How long does it take to find acceptance?

My heart goes out to you!   It has not been long enough...it takes a long time to get in a better place.  You have to take it one step at a time.....I am a little over a year ahead of you and life is feeling more normal now.  I recently even started lexapro - the meds help with the panic and anxiety.   Give yourself time and then talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.  If meds are an option, you may want to consider it.  Many of us are medicated.

Hugs!!!  Hang in there.....

The first few months are the most difficult because you are going through the unkown..the tests..and finally the dx, then the surgery, then the treatment options.

 It is all hard to process, but the best way to approach it is to understand that it is what it is.  You cannot change what has happened...all you can do is control how you respond going forward.  Try and maintain a positive approach...be your own advocate and do research on your treatment options.  This will empower you and make you feel more in control when you go for your doctor visits.  When a doctor suggests this or that treatment, you will feel comfortable because you will know and understand the reasons why they are making the suggestion.  You will also be able to have input on what you think your treatment options should be.

This site will be very helpful and you will receive a lot of comfort and support from others who are facing the same challenges.  Prayers to you and wishing you the best possible outcome!

Sending you positive healing energy! 

Sorry you are going through this. Many of us have ups and downs for the rest of our lives .... it doesn't ever go away entirely but hopefully in time and with good health, it becomes easier. Lots of support here for you on these boards

Christina, acceptance comes, and sometimes goes as well! 

I have been on this journey for 2 years.  Initially I woke up every morning thinking it was all just a bad dream.  When reality set in as I became fully awake, I would cry my eyes out.  It has only been in the past week that I have begun to let go of much of my anger.  It has been this past week when I have acknowledged to myself that I have a chronic disease.  Denial has been very strong in me since the beginning, and taking ANY medication seems to admit that I am "sick" and I absolutely do not want to view myself as "sick" or a "victim" or anything other than a very strong and intelligent woman.  I lost that early on, but resorted to using a military approach to get through treatment (Mission: Survive to Enjoy Life), knew there was a lot of hard work ahead, knew there would be "casualties" - didn't expect them to be so difficult, but that DID get me through the first year. 

I pretty much lost my enthusiasm for anything with the recurrence just 6 months after I finished chemo, and I hadn't even fully recovered from all the SEs from the chemo and had to face it all over again.  It has been a real struggle of getting my mind in the right place to get back to being the strong woman again.  On the surface, at work, people tell me how great I look and how great it is that all this is behind me and how they are so impressed with how I have done with this overall.  They never see me cry, they never hear me talk about the pain and depression and FEAR that goes with this.  So it is easy to deny anything is wrong or abnormal while I am at work.  When I get home, it's a different story because I don't have to have the brave face on.

So here I am today.  Still alive.  Still with some fear, but that is getting better.  Still having pain and fatigue, but that, too, is getting better.  I am learning to pace myself to do things I need or want to do, take pain meds and antianxiety meds if I need to because that is part of the treatment plan. Do I accept that I have/had cancer?  Not really.  Do I accept that I have a chronic disease that needs to be treated, just like diabetes or hypertension?  I am getting there - have been taking that little tamoxifen daily and adjusting to those SEs.  I have been doing a lot of minfulness-based practices training and learning to "just be" and acknowledge and accept that there are moments of fear, panic, sadness, grief, depression.  But I am also learning to LOOK for and LISTEN for the beauty that is out there - birds at the bird feeder, having lunch with a friend, meeting with a Bible study group (something I would NEVER have taken the time for before!), just listening to the quiet morning broken only by distant sounds of schoolbus or train.

Hanging out here with strong women who have gone before me has been a Godsend.  They are the most supportive and loving group  you will ever meet.  Come here as often as you need to, to cry, to vent over some inconsiderate or insensitive comment someone makes, to voice your fears, get advice, learn about side effects of treatment and how to minimize them (and get some empathy as well as sympathy).  Remember that many of us who were highly successful in careers because we are strong and intelligent have been brought to our kness and made to feel so powerless, and yet we have survived.  Not everyone who goes through this and finishes treatment writes a book on "gee, I had breast cancer, lots of surgery, chemo, etc, held down a full-time job, took care of the kids/job/volunteer work, etc., and now I feel just great and am training for or running a marathon, AND YOU CAN, TOO!"  Not everyone is able to just accept this and get on with life immediately.  But most of us have been able to move that direction, and you will eventually do so as well.

I do apologize for writing so much, but it seems that my neuropathy is better these days and I type lots because I CAN!! 

Gentle hugs to you, Christine, and to all the others here who have offered support. 

May you be filled with lovingkindness, may you be free of fear, may you be at peace.

christina- we got our diagnosis confirmed almost same time my day was jan.18th.  My head still feels like it is spinning like there has been no time to process anything.I seem to be going through all the mixed feelings like you. Mine is being quickly as i have already had a double mastectomy surgery and all nodes on one side out i guess all that wiped out my denial feeling. I will do chemo next. I like to think of the going so fast part as a good thing-like the faster they treat me maybe the faster i will be okay again.

When i was first told i had a tumor over 9 cm in size i thought i was going to drop dead the next day from the cancer but found this site and have found many woman with the same as me still alive and kicking. I think between pulling some strength from the wonderful people on this site and time passing you will be stronger and more accepting.

Please feel free to message me anytime as we are both cancer newbies i will probly be able to relate

I hope you do feel better when you do your chemo

christine:

IMO, there is no timeframe for anything, not "must," just "is." One thing you have the right to allow yourself is to not set standards or strictures about when you "should" feel what. There is no right or wong. Your mixture of feelings are what can absolutely be expected. This is YOUR time. Take it, go at your pace. The one thing I thank BC for is giving me permission to say that I have every right to put my wishes, feelings and timing first. You will feel what you feel when you feel it - and that's ok!

Best of luck.