How long does it take to find acceptance?

christina0001

I had my diagnosis confirmed on January 16th so perhaps it has not been long enough for me. But I alternate between depression (when at home), denial (when at work - it's wonderful), and a combination of shock, denial, and panic when I see the doctor, have a test, etc. A part of me just wants to forget the whole thing and just move on with life, and not get any treatment. Fortunately my brain is functioning enough to say NO, you MUST get treatment! So I am doing what I have to do.

How long does it take to find acceptance? So many women dealing with breast cancer seem so strong, so confident...I want to feel that way too.

mdg

My heart goes out to you!   It has not been long enough...it takes a long time to get in a better place.  You have to take it one step at a time.....I am a little over a year ahead of you and life is feeling more normal now.  I recently even started lexapro - the meds help with the panic and anxiety.   Give yourself time and then talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.  If meds are an option, you may want to consider it.  Many of us are medicated.

Hugs!!!  Hang in there.....

JFV

MO MO I am so sorry.  You are going through such a hard time.  Everything you are feeling is absolutley normal.  I am close to two years since diagnosis and I am still trying to accept what happened to me.  Anxiety and fear are a big part of the process.  I can't give you a timeline of when things  will get better.  Everyone deals with the process differently.  Be very kind with yourself and don't think you need to behave or feel any special way.  Sending you hugs and love !

Kaara

The first few months are the most difficult because you are going through the unkown..the tests..and finally the dx, then the surgery, then the treatment options.

 It is all hard to process, but the best way to approach it is to understand that it is what it is.  You cannot change what has happened...all you can do is control how you respond going forward.  Try and maintain a positive approach...be your own advocate and do research on your treatment options.  This will empower you and make you feel more in control when you go for your doctor visits.  When a doctor suggests this or that treatment, you will feel comfortable because you will know and understand the reasons why they are making the suggestion.  You will also be able to have input on what you think your treatment options should be.

This site will be very helpful and you will receive a lot of comfort and support from others who are facing the same challenges.  Prayers to you and wishing you the best possible outcome!

Sending you positive healing energy! 

ali68

Hi Hun I'm not sure what stage you are is it because you are still having tests. I know you have had tum bug which couldn't have been nice, hope you are better. How do we cope, well me I cried for a week then said no more. I know mine is quite bad because I have uptill now 8 lymph nodes cancerous. The first thing I did was give up the wine because it would make me feel worse down in the dumps.Second was think of this as an illness not cancer so I think I just need to get over this illness. Take every day as it comes never looking too forward. Carry on as things were before and do things you like and with people you want to be with.

hrf

Sorry you are going through this. Many of us have ups and downs for the rest of our lives .... it doesn't ever go away entirely but hopefully in time and with good health, it becomes easier. Lots of support here for you on these boards

ali68

I forgot, do lots of shopping, eating out, meeting friends, more shopping and treating yourself everyday with something small or very big.

Linda-n3

Christina, acceptance comes, and sometimes goes as well! 

I have been on this journey for 2 years.  Initially I woke up every morning thinking it was all just a bad dream.  When reality set in as I became fully awake, I would cry my eyes out.  It has only been in the past week that I have begun to let go of much of my anger.  It has been this past week when I have acknowledged to myself that I have a chronic disease.  Denial has been very strong in me since the beginning, and taking ANY medication seems to admit that I am "sick" and I absolutely do not want to view myself as "sick" or a "victim" or anything other than a very strong and intelligent woman.  I lost that early on, but resorted to using a military approach to get through treatment (Mission: Survive to Enjoy Life), knew there was a lot of hard work ahead, knew there would be "casualties" - didn't expect them to be so difficult, but that DID get me through the first year. 

I pretty much lost my enthusiasm for anything with the recurrence just 6 months after I finished chemo, and I hadn't even fully recovered from all the SEs from the chemo and had to face it all over again.  It has been a real struggle of getting my mind in the right place to get back to being the strong woman again.  On the surface, at work, people tell me how great I look and how great it is that all this is behind me and how they are so impressed with how I have done with this overall.  They never see me cry, they never hear me talk about the pain and depression and FEAR that goes with this.  So it is easy to deny anything is wrong or abnormal while I am at work.  When I get home, it's a different story because I don't have to have the brave face on.

So here I am today.  Still alive.  Still with some fear, but that is getting better.  Still having pain and fatigue, but that, too, is getting better.  I am learning to pace myself to do things I need or want to do, take pain meds and antianxiety meds if I need to because that is part of the treatment plan. Do I accept that I have/had cancer?  Not really.  Do I accept that I have a chronic disease that needs to be treated, just like diabetes or hypertension?  I am getting there - have been taking that little tamoxifen daily and adjusting to those SEs.  I have been doing a lot of minfulness-based practices training and learning to "just be" and acknowledge and accept that there are moments of fear, panic, sadness, grief, depression.  But I am also learning to LOOK for and LISTEN for the beauty that is out there - birds at the bird feeder, having lunch with a friend, meeting with a Bible study group (something I would NEVER have taken the time for before!), just listening to the quiet morning broken only by distant sounds of schoolbus or train.

Hanging out here with strong women who have gone before me has been a Godsend.  They are the most supportive and loving group  you will ever meet.  Come here as often as you need to, to cry, to vent over some inconsiderate or insensitive comment someone makes, to voice your fears, get advice, learn about side effects of treatment and how to minimize them (and get some empathy as well as sympathy).  Remember that many of us who were highly successful in careers because we are strong and intelligent have been brought to our kness and made to feel so powerless, and yet we have survived.  Not everyone who goes through this and finishes treatment writes a book on "gee, I had breast cancer, lots of surgery, chemo, etc, held down a full-time job, took care of the kids/job/volunteer work, etc., and now I feel just great and am training for or running a marathon, AND YOU CAN, TOO!"  Not everyone is able to just accept this and get on with life immediately.  But most of us have been able to move that direction, and you will eventually do so as well.

I do apologize for writing so much, but it seems that my neuropathy is better these days and I type lots because I CAN!! 

Gentle hugs to you, Christine, and to all the others here who have offered support. 

May you be filled with lovingkindness, may you be free of fear, may you be at peace.

christina0001

Linda I thank you for your long post (and everyone else too) - I can related to a lot of what you said. I hate mornings because when I remember what has happened, it's like a slap in the face and forget about falling back to sleep.

I'm hoping after my first round of chemo, maybe that will reduce some of the anxiety. I'm wondering if the anticipation of starting is worse than actually doing it.

I'm normally a happy, bubbly person and I can't stand being in this deep, dark funk. I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown sometimes. Just hoping that if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing, keep going...somehow I will see that light at the end of the tunnel that everyone assures me is there.

beth1965

christina- we got our diagnosis confirmed almost same time my day was jan.18th.  My head still feels like it is spinning like there has been no time to process anything.I seem to be going through all the mixed feelings like you. Mine is being quickly as i have already had a double mastectomy surgery and all nodes on one side out i guess all that wiped out my denial feeling. I will do chemo next. I like to think of the going so fast part as a good thing-like the faster they treat me maybe the faster i will be okay again.

When i was first told i had a tumor over 9 cm in size i thought i was going to drop dead the next day from the cancer but found this site and have found many woman with the same as me still alive and kicking. I think between pulling some strength from the wonderful people on this site and time passing you will be stronger and more accepting.

Please feel free to message me anytime as we are both cancer newbies i will probly be able to relate

I hope you do feel better when you do your chemo

CoolBreeze

Part of the way you will react to this news has to do with your normal personality.  How long does it normally take you to accept hard things?  Are you able to look at the positive side or is your natural tendancy to look at the negative?  What does strong  mean to you?  How proactive are you with learning things?

I accepted my diagnosis immediately (in treatment 3 years now)  as I'm not the type to live in denial. That's probably due to the fact I had alcoholic parents and wasn't used to everything being pretty, and probably because I saw them fool themselves about what they were doing, so never did it myself.  I had exactly one terrible day during my early diagnosis; I still remember looking at people and hating them because they were going to get to live to be old and I wasn't.  But, it went away after one day and then I just got to the business of learning about my disease.

Later, I was diagnosed Stage IV but I haven't had another experience with being angry with healthy people.  I have my moments in the middle of the night where I get fearful and mourn what I am going to lose, but I live my day-to-day live in a normal way and normal things are so sweet!  Even when my teenage son grumbles at me, I just love it.

For me, the key is researching my disease and taking charge of what I can.  I had to do chemo, but I researched the best way to make it easy.  I had to do surgery but I did what I could to recover quickly.  I blogged my entire experience, and while you may not want to do a public blog, you can write it down, I think it helps.

I think a lot of attitude is making up your mind to handle it a certain way.  People have a lot more choice that today's society gives us credit for.   You can never get rid of thoughts of cancer but you can make sure you don't sit around and mope.  I find that I always feel better when I get out and do normal things.

Nobody here is stronger than you are.  You are a strong, strong woman and you can take charge of what is "take-chargable" and you will down the road be giving advice and encouraging other newbies.  You will do everything that we have had to.  

Just set your mindset to "I can get through this" and you will.  If you cry all the time and live in fear - that is only going to hurt you, it won't make cancer go away.

Now, I know there are people who suffer from chemical depression and they can't change their mindset but this note is directed to a normal person who has suffered a serious setback, like most of us.  You can choose to act strong, and soon you will feel strong. 

I hope this makes sense. 

1Athena1

christine:

IMO, there is no timeframe for anything, not "must," just "is." One thing you have the right to allow yourself is to not set standards or strictures about when you "should" feel what. There is no right or wong. Your mixture of feelings are what can absolutely be expected. This is YOUR time. Take it, go at your pace. The one thing I thank BC for is giving me permission to say that I have every right to put my wishes, feelings and timing first. You will feel what you feel when you feel it - and that's ok!

Best of luck.