I am feeling so ugly...

When the going gets tough , the tough gets going

You poor baby. That does sound really tough. I too had the tightness across the chest and it drove me nuts. It unfortunately lasts quite a while, still with me on and off 4 months out. I noticed that it seems to ease if I take ibuprofen, so I think it is related to inflammation and mild swelling. Maybe ask your doc.

How is your general health? I mean white and red blood cells, sugar levels, weight, that sort of thing. Are you able to go for a walk or do some other form of light exercise?

Really wish I could drop by with a big bunch of flowers and a nice dinner for you. 

Bak, have you seen a physical therapist? Mine has really helped me, both with the swelling but also with general well-being. My PT appointment is the one bright spot in all the medical stuff. 

I really hope you can get up the energy to clear the treadmill. Many days I am tired and out of sorts and don't feel like even getting dressed. But when I do get moving, I always find that it helps. It won't solve all your problems, but with so much going on try to take every little bit that can move you forward. I have found that exercise, especially walking, helps with the swelling. It makes sense, since it would get the circulation going.

Hope you start feeling better soon. 

You've been through a lot in three months! But I can give you a spot of good news: the tightness does ease up. When the healing scar loses its scab, you can do self-massage with a scar-reducing lotion. While I found it does not really fade the scar to nothing, it did help soften the edges . (Maybe it was the just the massage?) And you can also then do more stretching exercises that help reduce the underlying tightness.

You might also ask to be referred to a lymphadema specialist. Sometimes, the early signs of lymphadema is just a tight feeling. And there's truncal lymphadema around the chest area to be concerend about.Even if they don't diagnose it as lymphadema, you will probably get some lessons on the best exercises to do to help stretch the underlying muscles and releave that tight feeling.

But, I'm not sure all of it will go away. It's been 3-1/2 years since my BMX and two years since my DIEP recon. I still have a touch of tightness (yes, it does kind of feel like I'm wearing a bra), but it has lessened over the years to the point that I hardly notice it except when I'm feeling bloated overall.

Scary and sorry to hear about the c-diff and staph infections.  I know they are hard to treat these days. If you are off the meds for the infections, you might look into building up your immune system in general with extra vitamins and minerals.

It is alot to get through Bak94....we had our mastectomies the same time, and the tightness is still pretty intense for me. And what we now look like IS alot to wrap our thinking around. Most days I push forward, but every few days, I just need to have a bit of a "pity party" where I recognize and respect how 'different" I am now.

I really am not seen anymore with my scars, I wear silk camis pretty much round the clock, my choice, I can't deal with the scars yet. I will. just not today.

have you have general blood work checked? I have a freind who was very low on iron which prompted her getting infection after infection...and not healing.

You need to stop thinking in terms of feeling "pretty or ugly" because right now we are in a time of healing, neither here nor there...but we will get to where we need to be.

Bak94 - I understand how you are feeling. I remember when I was going through my treatment I told my friend/neighbor that I would think of that time as my "year of ugly" (might make a good title for a book?). No hair, no eyelashes, scarred and burned chest. I felt anything  but attractive. But my husband never wavered. He loved me through it all.

Now I have hair, eyelashes and a new foob (did DIEP in 2009, Dr Beshlian at Virginia Mason) that I am very happy with. Things do get better eventually.

Just wanted to say also that I did meet you back in Sept. in the treatment room at Swedish and I did not see an ugly person with scars. I saw someone with a very sweet and open pretty face and a nice smile. Just wanted you to know how I saw you.

Good luck. Cyndi

hopefully things will quickly heal up and resolve for you and you'll be all spiffed up by Springtime.... or summer.

I'm gonna lose my hair again and need to take my own advice to heart.  ick.  wounds are kind of hard to deal with.  I see wounds on others and just about cry.  but they do heal.

Bak94



I didn't want to make you cry :-(. I just wanted you to know how you look to others!



I am very jealous of yor tumor markers. The day I saw I got the results of my latest blood work and my CA 27 29 came back at 40.5!!!!!!!! Freaks me out just a bit. My onc never called me about them so I am playing the "bury my head in the sand" game and just waiting for my next appt in March to see if they have gone down.



Do you have goats? For some reason I just love goats! Where do you keep them?



Take care. Cyndi

Bak, I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit better once in a while.  You are definitely not alone.  I also had infected seromas - BMX in October, so I am 4 months out also, still have pain and tightness, worse where the infections were.  Also have some kind of painful nerve thing going on from the ALND.  I saw my PCP on Friday, cried, complained of pain and fatigue.  She pointed out that I should be more aggressive about managing the pain and that might help the energy and mood.  I think she was right.  It just seems that taking pills to make us "feel better" is something that we tend to resist, maybe because that seems to indicate a failure on our part to just move on, don't be a wimp, etc.  But I also teach a course in pain management for pharmacy students, and I was not practicing what I preach, so have started taking pain pills regularly rather than waiting for the pain to become unbearable, and I have to say that after 3 days, my attitude is better and my energy is even a little better. 

Scars are another issue.  I have horrendous scars on my chest from previous surgery, and my right breast was the only part of my body that DIDN'T have scars or deformity.  It took a while before I could look, but DH was there all the way, helping with drains, dressings, etc.  My PT did myofascial release and scar massage, and about a month ago I was able to look at myself, touch the scars, do the massage with vitamin E lotion  to try to keep the scars from adhering to the chest wall tissues - that has been helpful with the tightness.

My heart just ached for you when I read your post.  Been there, still not done with it yet.  But let's hang on for a day at a time.  Please keep us posted on your progress - you know anyone here will help support you in any way we can. 

And  your DH sounds so much like mine, and several others here.  They just don't see the scars - they see the woman they love. The guys may not show it, but we know they are scared, too, and that they would do anything to have us healthy and whole.  I am finding small ways to show my appreciation, trying to find special moments to share each day. (and just to keep him on his toes, I asked him if we could buy a new house - found my dream home down the road - probably totally craziness!!!)

Fran, nice to see you here.... I have seen you on other threads and always appreciate how kind you are and how willing you are to share your knowledge and experience.  My youngest sister was a burn unit nurse and there are certainly patients who have a lot more scarring and pain than we have, but we also have that uncertainty and fear that our cancer will come back. But we can try to enjoy each day or moment that we have, appreciating those without pain when they come.

Apple, Cynthia, bk55, crystalphm, and all - sorry I got long-winded here.  May we all find ways to adjust to our new bodies, and to enjoy moments of grace that come so often if we just look for them.