Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

I've just recently joined BCO and am so grateful to have found this post. I was dx in August and had the biopsy, lumpectomy, and BMX all in less than a month. My in-laws and one SIL have never said a word about it - no hospital visits, no cards, no texts, no phone calls, absolutely nothing. I thought they would say something when we saw them at Christmas, especially since I was bald, but nothing. They have no idea about my prognosis or treatment. We've always been there when they've needed us and I'm very hurt (as is my husband) that they have chosen not to be there for us. How do you get past that? How do you handle it when the worst ones are family and you have to pretend like everything is fine when you see them?



On the other hand, my sister calls all the time and comes to visit when she can (she lives in another state) but every time I talk to her, she's crying and I feel like it's my job to make her feel better. It's so tiring and I'm tired of acting like everything is fine when it's not.



Sorry for being so long winded. Thank you for letting me vent.....it is nice to know that I'm not alone in any of this.

Julielynn, So sorry-why your DH's family and SIL hasn't been supportive----Talk it over with your husband. Think of the two of you writing a letter to all three(addressed in the same letter). Encompass all the hurt both of you have felt. Site,also, past experiences where you helped the family. Then put the letter aside for several weeks. Read it again. If you still feel the same way send it. The problems with words once put on paper, once sent can never be retrieved. That's why --

1. If you and Dh do it together , it will be very cathartic.

2. If you wait a couple of weeks before sending, it will allow a cooling off period, plus you can edit.

3. If you decide to send it, be prepared that it may alter your life with them for ever. This coincides with number 2.  You may decide this is something that is so important, to both of you, that you are willing to accept the consequences of future alteration of all contact. Or together you decide not to send the letter. Or you decide that it be saved for a future time.

4. There is a possibility that your family will be remorseful. That is a severe risk b/c you can't predict a future reaction. They may not get anything that you say. They may get everything that you say.---Completely unpredictable. But you will have had your say.

I did this with the friend of 31 years-----In particular pointed out that Dh was dying-------no response. Until a request about x number of months ago for a befriending  by her on Fb. She left us at the height of trouble as I said before(previous post). He passed and it was about 10 months after his passing that I got the FB thing. Blocked it.--------I have no regret , she made a choice, I explained, our needed, even though she was the one that walked away. When she wanted back in. No trouble on my part-gone, nada, history.------as Dh said at one point *uck her. He didn't know that I had told her he was dying. I'm sure he would have been more vociferous than he was, if he knew that detail. Dh didn't know at the time his death was inevitable, I believe he sensed it, but had not given into it. Actually, didn't give in to it till his last words "sheila I'm not going to make it."------------Does she have problems now that she needs help with------don't care.

 The first part of my vent , gives you a plan. The second part of the vent, was just that a vent of how the first part of the plan can work. That's why what ever your choice is consider that the outcome could be permanent. So, it does take patience to consider your plan and a cool versus hot reaction.

Never regret your choice once made, if it is made cooly, overtime, to give you time to consider.

(((((((((((h)))))))))'s sheila

Kate------That just sucks-------but I have a huge amount of relatives that either didn't acknowledge either mine or my Dh's ( now deceased) problems. Or others that wanted us to go a complete non medical route. Go figuire.  Some I've wiped off the map, others not responding to. This is a good thread for you Kate -----you are always so supportive and give good advice.

My friends have reacted exactly as I predicted each would.

My BFF, who lives 2500 miles away was ready to jump on a plane to come be with me during my mastectomy and recovery no matter how long it took.  She immediately made arrangements at work, with her family, etc...and was truly ready to get on that plane.  Bless her heart.

One sister literally fainted to the kitchen floor when I told her of my diagnosis and sat with me daily during my surgery recovery for 5 weeks!! Not that I needed mothering, but she was there just to keep me company.

The other sister just called to ask if I was okay, that if I needed anything to call, but that if she didn't hear from me she would assume all was well.  This is her.  Frankly I was surprised to get that one call. If I do call, she WILL be there, that is for sure.  She is just not the kind to reach out to me.

My brothers, well, one calls weekly to check on me. That is normal.  He cares, but doesn't "do" much.  The other told me right off the bat, I beleive you will be okay, and I'm not going to dote over you, unless you need me too.  I expect you to tell me what you need, and if you are having a bad day, that's okay, too.  But, I'm going to treat you normal, because you are.  I know you can handle this.  But, he left the door open, which is him.

I am amazed by the support from aquaintenances.  Mere aquaintences who sent flowers and/or cards while I was home, one who brought me food every Wednesday night for a few weeks while recoverying from surgery.  A neighbor who mowed my grass (my teenage son usually does this, so idon't know where THAT came from, but nice).  I have not had anyone run the other way.

I think this is because I had already pretty much weeded out the unnecessaries in my life a few years ago.

I feel blessed.  Some people may have run and I just have not noticed.

JulieLynn- All of my in laws are out of state so it's pretty easy to ignore them.  My DH still speaks to them, and will occasionally fly out to see his mom sometimes taking our DS, but he understands why I am done with them.  (There are a lot more issues than just ignoring my BC/MX.)  As far as Facebook somoeone told me you can check whether someone is a "close friend" or an "acquaintance" and then have your posts just show up on your friend list.  You can also chose not to subscribe to anyone's posts.  That way you don't have to defriend them but you won't see their posts and they can't see yours.  

Friends...I have found that those I felt were the closest to before BC have nearly abandoned me and others like childhood friends who live away and acquaintances have stepped up in a big way.  I wonder now if I somehow mistook the connections and closeness.  I am still numb about my best friend with whom I shared everything (a gay man, BTW) having made no effort at communication other than one text and one email since my diagnosis on 8/29/2011.  He says he's busy and is praying for me, so everything should be okay.  I used to hear from him several times a week in some way and see him every other week.  I will not be accepting him back into my life when this is over.  It has been good to have the support via FB of the lifelong friends who I have had little contact with over the years.  I've welcomed the acquaintances, neighbors and people new to my life because of BC, but I wonder if they'll go away at some point.  It helped me to read the sticky posting here where one survivor talks about losing some close friends as unfortunately a normal part of this journey. 

My sister has become closer to me and trying to be very supportive, but is having health issues of her own.  She is nearly incapacitated with migraines.  She is supposed to be coming for my surgery on Feb. 6.  As she is a doctor, she provides more than just the emotional support.  I also know that my husband will be waiting alone if she does not make it, and I am concerned about that.  There's also the chance that she will come but be too incapacitated to go with us to the hospital.  That happened when she came to be supportive during my chemo.

My stepmother seems to have only recently awakened to the fact that I have cancer.  Before my father's death in March, she always acted like she was another parent, but things like deaths seem to cause problems in families and this was no exception.  Things are getting a little better after the holidays, but I tend to hear from her only in texts and emails.  If my mother were living, she would have been here to help me just as soon as her car could make it up the road.  

When this is all over, I definitely am taking a long hard look at relationships.  Right now, I'm just trying to forgive everyone, feel love for the people in my life and move on, but I don't want to welcome the toxic people back in when they become less busy.  

I had a soul searching session with myself after my bff "couldn't take my cancer."

I realized she had been being honest with me -she really can't take it- however, I really have been going through having cancer treatments.

So, though it remains a hurt for me and a deep loss of my bff when I needed and wanted her most, she had her own needs, which excluded me having mine,

and it remains an impasse... 

All I needed was her to talk to. I didn't need her to come here, do things, etc., just a weekly phone conversation to be able to share it with my bff.

It never felt "right" for me either, when I was back in dating land and had boyfriends who only liked the "up" side of my range. I am a full range kind of being.

I married someone able to go the full range with me.  I need that in my closest friends. I think that part of *really* loving someone (friend or spouse or child or parent)  is you have to muster the courage to love them full range and that means you don't look away when the tough stuff happens either.

I am saddened and humbled both by those who just can't take their loved one's tough times as well as moved deeply and also humbled by those I didn't expect to be so strong for me as well.

Character seems to reveal itself when it counts.

 

truebff- Both of your posts were really well said.  I especially liked what you said about someone loving you "full range" and "half there friendships".  

Sas - So well said!  I am so grateful to have found all of you - It's been so helpful to know that I'm not the only one dealing with these issues.  Hugs to all of you!!

JUlie and Truf Thank you for your words, but please , this and other threads are places to write your words . I write long missives because it is an outlet for anger, love, advice, whatever. You each have it within you to do the same . Let it flow. It's so important. We have so much in us that hast to be told. So, many don't believe that they can't guide or be a resource. We are here together, whatever you find is a resource that helped you , you can guide another one too.

 I came as a regretful rookie. Took me awhile to learn the flow. I had no guide or teacher. I blundered in and stuck my foot right away in my mouth. It's better not to do that. LOL-----I offended everyone on the site , thinking I was protecting someone. DUH

It is so helpful to the heart to keep talking, let it be you, you have words to say, you have words to scream.Words bind us and can drive us appart. But here on BCO we are bound. We care. We talk. My words are lenghty b/c they are and that is my need. You can too. It's important to empty our beings of this hateful thing. But it is also important to try to bring solace to another who suffers the same. ---------If you do not believe that you have words to bring comfort to another BC friend watch the active topics. In that, you will find a woman seeking help on the first day of dx, that is scared. You can become a guide if you choose too.     Bless you Namaste sheila

Galsal what is your need?

Carmelle- I love your last line- "Pay attention to those who are wonderful and remember them."  For me, it was my DH, Mom and sister and I tell them over and over how much it meant that they were there for me every step of the way.  I think a lot of people just assume we have others in our life who will step up not realizing it's them we're counting on, too.

I guess I wanted to be able to talk with her.  Just having a little pitty party on that.  We've been close for almost 10 years and then to barely talk with me.  She was the biggest one saying, "oh, i've had those biopsies...it will be nothing".  Thought just now...she might feel guilty at not being serious enough about that.

We'll see.  Thanks for asking schatzi.

A few seconds ago sas-schatzi wrote:

 TO ALL          OK went to Moffit today- There are 17 NIH cancer centers in the USA---Moffitt is one-----After contact with all their people------I was undecided-----then I remembered my proactive stance the last time with going for the elective BMX  which saved my life-------I then went------duh----what are you waiting for-----out it comes. ------------Now have to work on scheduling.
At one point I said to the doc "I'm tired of cancer, I'm tired of talking about cancer, I'm tired of waking up in the morning worrying about cancer," Then I think the clincher was he said if I was 30 they would remove it , but at my age(61) they would wait till it was larger. I'm thinking bad words at this point In my mind . Then he starts talking about it negatively impacting someone's life. I say" Doc If I were to ask you on a date right now and then have to say -------well , I have this brain tumor that's being watch for cancer---what would you do" Clicked my fingers as the hand waved backwards and went PHFTT with my lips. He is a serious doc -------He leaned back and laughed.

He is also, the first doc that when asked this question which is important to my type of  brain tumor."Can you tell me that b/c it doesn't have a mass effect or edema that it's not producing estrogen and is not malignant-----His response was "No" Only doc that would commit to that statement. Give him great credit and respect for that.

I  said "I can't move on with my life till we know this is negative." One way or the other I have to tell the truth should I meet someone. Until a pathology report is in I can't do that."---------

Then on the way home, I got near a weepy spell , just  then I realized I was going to Ocala and not home--------took and extra hour , but gave me time to think and resolve. Bean is going to be history. I will add to that Bean will be history before I am.

Now I am amazed that I did not end up in a trauma unit b/c the expressway traffic is crazy. It's like Miami-------Everyone exceeds the speed limits by 20 to 40 miles per limit.Weaving in and out.

 Chrissy will so get this b/c we went to Miami together-----------totally nuts

 I'm going to C&P this to several threads. For all that have prayed thank you, for all that cared about what I was going to do with Bean, thank you, my resolve is strong without reservation, Sometimes a wrong turn can turn out right. L&H's Namaste sheila

This thread is important to keep going because we have all lost friends that we thought were stalwarts in our lives.=============then they --went to no where, they did what ever--------many years of connectedness> dissolved. Anger, grief, disbelief that they could leave us. If the thread doesn't continue then what it means is w/m have found different threads to express what this means to them. That's okay with me. I'll bump it this time. if people don't find it a place that they want to be------then the thread shall die------------not a problem----------many threads on BCO die ----------a thread survives b/c those on that thread find a need that is satisfied. Talking about the loss of a friend is debilitating--------makes us sad------------here we can vent our anger at them. there our other threads to do the same......... Whatever your choice----let it be