They say the damnedest things...

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MT1
MT1 Member Posts: 371
edited June 2014 in Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy

A good friend who has seen me through all of my treatments and listened to all of my grypes said the damnedest thing today. She listened as I sorted my thoughts on taking chemo, as I processed my thoughts on needing a mastectomy, not wanting construction (I ended up getting a bilat without reconstruction), not likeing any of my options. She listened as I talked about my fears related to radiation. She talked too. We talked. She was a great support. 

When we first got to the house she asked if I would consider wearing prosthetic breasts. I am not interested, I think they would just take up space in my drawer and cost alot of money, so I said so. I don't really see this as offensive, I think of it as something a friend would ask.

So I showed her a garment I have been working on. I went into my room and privately put on a snazzy glittery tank, and came out to the livingroom where the top was, so I could put it on. My scars were covered, this was/is an outfit I would wear to a dress up event. 

She looked at me and said, "Your body doesn't look mutilated, you just look flat chested." 

Then she realized what she said and said, "I didn't mean to use the word mutilated like that." 

I figured I would verbalize it here and get it out of my head. 

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  • crystalphm
    crystalphm Member Posts: 1,138
    edited December 2011

    I think it is good that you posted. I sometimes think about posting, or even journaling as "downloading it from my brain" so I don't have to carry it alone anymore.

    I had a friend go off when she heard about my double mastectomy and she said "How dare these doctors feel they have the right to forever mutilate you?" Same word. It haunts me.

    But like what is being said in another thread, it is not hurtful, it is only "thought-less".  When I consider all I didn't know even 2 years about breast cancer, I probably said unthinking things too. So I forgive and now, forget.

    We are a little chopped up, certainly not mutilated, and we polish up well in sparkley tank tops :-)

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  • MT1
    MT1 Member Posts: 371
    edited December 2011

    Thank you, crystalphm. I am sorry this word was used on you too, but glad that I am not the only one. It is thought-less. 

    Is there another thread that I should read? 

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited December 2011

    Melly, I am thinking your friend used the word "mutiliated" because that was the image she had in her head when she found out you'd had bilateral mastectomies.

    Society puts so darn much emphasis on boobs.  They're supposed to be attractive, provocative, or at least perky (whatever); and we're supposed to let them bulge out over our blouses or let just a hint of them show through.  I am thinking almost any rational person would imagine a mastectomy to be a horrific surgery, leaving an equally horrific scar.  Heck... the surgeon amputated a breast!   Any "normal" woman would want to hide that "defect" by wearing a prosthesis, or better yet, have reconstruction... wouldn't she?  (I am typing this as I sit here in a motel room next to Mr. otter, wearing a knit shirt over my bra-less chest, with my left [mast/SNB] side completely flat.)

    So, when your friend discovered you didn't look "mutilated" -- you just looked "flat-chested", she might have been relieved and perhaps more comfortable with the idea of your double-mast without recon or prostheses.  Some of her reaction could have been due to your self-confidence.  You are dealing with this comfortably... you weren't acting like a victim.

    OTOH, people do say really odd things sometimes.

    otter

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  • Erica3681
    Erica3681 Member Posts: 1,916
    edited December 2011

    I wrote a blog on this subject, called "Dirty Words," referring to the words "mutilated" and "disfigured," and got many comments, some of which you might find more interesting than the blog itself: http://breastfree.blogspot.com/2009/11/dirty-words.html

    Barbara

    BreastFree Blog

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited December 2011

    you have a good friend. It really is good to verbalize your feelings tho. I just run a sarcastic snarky conversation in my head and am glad it rarely gets out.

    i sure deliver my host of bloopers tho.

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  • Lunakin
    Lunakin Member Posts: 120
    edited December 2011

    "Slash, burn, and poison."  The treatments for breast cancer, as we say with our own particular humor.

    When I got back home after my uni mx, and started to do the first dressing change, and looked at myself, it was weird. Not mutilated in the accurate definition of that word, but definitely asymmetrical and different. My husband and I both agreed we felt the same emotion as when looking at our much-beloved little cat who had one eye removed due to an iris melanoma. At first you notice what's missing; then you just see the entity, the being. 

    Tho I must admit that when I see grapefruit-half augmented breasts I do think "mutilated" in my mind!

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  • cinnamonsmiles
    cinnamonsmiles Member Posts: 779
    edited December 2011

    Well, I give your friend some credit for at least realizing she said the wrong thing. I read so many stories of friends, relatives, coworkers, etc. that say horrible things and don't think twice about or realize they said something insensitive.

    I don't have that many in my little circle of life. I did have one sister-in-law, that at first kept pushing the you can always get reconstruction.. I got a bit annoyed but eventually she stopped. My mom did that a bit too, but as she has seen in in a year of severe post mastectomy pain, she has backed off.

    Did you say anything back to her? How did you feel?

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited December 2011

    I'm sorry this happened.  Someone said "amputated" to me about my BMX, and I got woozy thinking about it that way.  ugh.  But I also think that your friend's comment probably came from fear...she hadn't seen you yet.  In her mind, she had probably imagined much worse.  She was probably scared.  (My mom's comments were....oh, it doesn't look so bad...oh, I had imagined I don't know what!)  Again, it sucks, and I'm sorry for you.

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  • MT1
    MT1 Member Posts: 371
    edited December 2011

    I took a day or two and then emailed my friend. I made the email as matter of fact as I could and as emotionally simple as I could. I told her that it hurt me, that I know she spoke without thought. That I wanted to say something just to clear the air and that I didn't want to hold on to hurt or anger. We emailed back and forth and we are fine now.

    Life gets serious sometimes. 

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited December 2011

    Good for you, Melly.  So glad it all worked out and you were brave enough not to let it go until you talked about it.   

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  • SheChirple
    SheChirple Member Posts: 954
    edited December 2011

    It sounds to me that, like many people, she "expected" to see mutilation and was suprised to see much less.  I take that as a good thing. 

    To myself, when I first saw my post surgical breast at the first bandage change, I 'felt' mutilated, but was pleasantly surprised to find less.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2011

    Glad it worked out, Melly. Good friends can admit to unintentionally saying insensitive things, esp when it comes to BC. It is an experience they haven't had, and they know it's one they can't even imagine physically or emotionally.



    As long as we're recapping weird stuff, I'll let go of mine here. My husband and I are close with another couple. I knew the guy before I started dating my husband. He comes across as kind of curmudgeonly, but he really is a thoughtful man. When I returned home from the hospital after my mastectomy, he was the first person to visit! It meant a lot to me. Anyway, when my implant recon didn't work out and I told them I was going to deconstruct and have my implants removed, the guy and his wife were standing near me, and he asked something like would I have holes in my chest. He and his wife kind of laughed, as I guess they just couldn't imagine what it would be like. I squashed the laughing immediately and said it wasn't funny at all and that there wouldn't be holes, rather the muscle and skin would still be there. My husband was present, and when I asked him later if he had heard what they said and the laughing, he said he had. He said I handled it well and that he hadn't wanted to get anywhere near that conversation! He said they were wrong to say that and laugh, but we both acknowledged they truly didn't understand anything about reconstruction, implants, or deconstruction. People that love us don't have the immediate education on all things BC, treatments, surgeries and recon that we do, but they try to support us. They can't help but stick their foot in their mouths every now and then. Oh, and when I flew to Charleston, SC to deconstruct, the wife drove us to the airport, she gave us points to stay four days free in a hotel after my surgery, and they both came to the airport to pick us up when we returned.

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  • MT1
    MT1 Member Posts: 371
    edited December 2011

    Yeah. We have to have as much compassion with our friends and loved ones as we hope they are able to give us. I think that creating a simple and direct means of communication is essential. Things get out of hand when we don't speak our minds and tell people what works and doesn't work for us. I would not have liked the holes 'joke' either but it also sounds like they are good friends who can accept a coreection when it is needed.

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