February 2011 chemo pals

Fuzzylemon That's a tough question re: doing the right thing. I work as a social worker in mental health and I believe that medications can be very helpful but they all have their SEs (as we know). I'm not sure what you've been taking but if you need the extra help right now and you are not tolerating that particular medication well, maybe it's time to talk to your doctor about a change to a different med, lower dose, etc to find a happy medium.

I'm personally very stubborn and hate medication but if there is anything I've learned in all these years as a professional it's that sometimes you need it to get through the tough times and you don't always have to take them forever. I work with a very tough population right now-combat veterans- and I end up in this conversation every day. The young vets in particular are very resistant to medication and yet could really benefit from it many times to get through the adjustment period when their emotional upheaval (PTSD, Depression, sleep disturbance, etc.) is at its worst. Many of them suffer without medication and still end up doing well over time-they just suffer. I respect their decision either way. I have often thought that we have some things in common. We are adjusting to a lot of emotional (and physical) upheaval and I believe many of us go through grief, PTSD, Depression, etc. and maybe sometimes medication can help us to regain some balance and ease the suffering. I can certainly see the pros and cons of both decisions. Sorry, didn't mean to ramble like that...Hope you feel better:)  

Citalopram (sp) I have been on since June.  That's the one I want off of.  I just hooked up with a medication management doctor.  He wants me on a different anti depressant because of tamoxifen.  I just want off of the anti depressants.  I filled the script for the new one, but I haven't started it...I just want to see what I'm like when I'm not on them - I mean, how do I know that I really need them...it's a wicked thing...I took them because I knew I needed help...now I'd like to be less medicated and more purposeful...I hope that makes sense. 

Interesting about the Vets...I would like to lobby at Congress and make it so employers have to be certified with a program that helps them understand what a patient - or vet - may be experiencing when they return to work...especially when diagnosed with a long term illness...that needs to be a law - simple as that.

Special - so, do I keep the ovaries?  I'm just so clueless on how this works...in my head I keep thinking, "Reduce cancer risk...yes...afterall, who knows how long I'd actually live anyway." I hope that doesn't sound morbid - its just the way my head works...I'm all torn up because this whole deal was kinda a shocker and I'm pretty certain I don't want to do chemo again ... oh decisions decisions...

If I haven't told eveyone today ... thank you...

Fuzzy - remind me how old you are?

I'm 40 ... a very very young 40 naturally (wink wink)

Ya know, I am going to have the other breast removed as well ... I should probably mention that to the doctor when I go in for the counseling appointment.

Oh boy ... I'm 4.5 days into this withdrawl business.  I know if I took one of those pills I'd feel great.  But, how much longer can I feel this crappy? 

Thanks to those who mentioned my doggie passing, I'm getting more used to it.  We'll get another pup after first of the year.

FUZZY, 

I've had to get off a variety of pills over the years, and the SSRI was the most difficult, it takes about two wretched weeks to get over the worst of the fearsome "withdrawals" of those particular drugs.  Which it always bugs me that they hand that stuff out like candy to unsuspecting people who have NO idea just how hard it is to suffer the end of it.  Four days is very, very good without the medicine.  If you can just hang in another week or so, you'll be good, albeit tired. 

In the meantime, you know the saying, "Don't sign any contracts whilst on this drug," well, this is true of going off the SSRIs.  Your mind will not be in good order, your nerves are shot, you will think of all sorts of rather unsettling thoughts, you will go mad, and you will need to be chained in the basement... hahaha.  No, really, it is like a nightmare, you live moment to moment, the boogy man will NOT leave you until you've done your time.  I have a well-worn copy of a book by Iyanla, a spiritual teacher, I put ten years of wear on that book in two weeks, I slept upon it, clung to it, and that was when I went off Lexapro, a cousin to your Citalopram. 

As for whether you should start chopping off all your female parts, STOP IT, FUZZY!  Now, lookie here, isn't it enough that you've already had to slay one dragon to get well?  Must thee theenks of hunting around for more trouble?  Look, they'll be checking you constantly for recurrence and mets and all that stuff that only docs need to worry with, so no way you will be taken unawares.  Besides, you are cured for the moment, so let that sink in good, and focus instead on some future plans, go outside and walk off some of that destructive energy, and get in the shower and soak thy head.

I think of you all the time, too, girl, and I remember your avatar one time with your dark hair on a pillow, so lovely are you.  You WILL become that person again, certainly have hair back by spring I do believe, as that is the time I have selected for finally being truly free.  Cancer stole my spring and summer last year, and I will not let it steal it again.  I want NO PART of docs, medicines, or anything else.  I just wants to be.  Now, come September, I get a scan, I see all my docs every six months in Sept and March, and if they see something THEN, why, I'll do whatever they plan for me.  But until then, I'm giving myself a dang break.  You should do so likewise. 

But it's okay to feel all over the place right now, you are in the middle of going from sick person to well person, you are also getting off a very powerful drug so you are feeling doubly "out there," and all this is a lot for ANYONE to deal with, especially one who, like all us chemo sisters here, has been thru the mill.  Just go with the flow, don't do anything drastic, just get off the fool medicine, and then climb your way out of the darkest of dark holes you could ever be in.  I've been down in that place and it is NO fun.  But I came thru, and so too will you.  And the relief is substantial when one day you realize it's over.

FUZZY, just know that I care, "I see your light come shining thru," and that all we chemo sisters care about you, for we have been where you are, we know that road, and we are DONE with it.  And feel free to come back here as many times as you need to, to get our help to pull through.  We all have lots of good ideas for dealing with this thing.  I mean, I keep coming back and making all MY lengthy homeroom announcements, becuz I needs to, and I will until I feel more regular.  Hang in, and we expect progress reports, whenever you want to give them.  And I promise not to preach at you next time. 

Hearts and hugs, Gail

I just read it again....Its a rough week...

Thanks oodles...its guna get better. I had to go back to the chemo drugs! The ones that keep you from tossing your cookies!

Man it was c-c-c-cold here today!!!! Did anyone get snow?

Her sister got ahold of her posts and sent her a 3 page email of crap about it..so she wants to leave the boards. She hasn't posted in a while so...we camp and begin the rescue at first dawns light!!!

GG...very hard losing pups...I have a great dog now(golden ret.), but I still miss my germ shep mix I lost 6 years ago... He was my best friend and first child.

Fuzzy, good luck w the meds, my question is why r you getting off them? It sounds like you may feel that you still need them. Are they talking about removing your ovaries so you can take arimidex instead of tamoxifen? That was the plan for me, but my body worked them out faster due to the mets...strange coincidence...

I had a dr appt yesterday, wound is healing nicely I guess so no further intervention needed at this time. I don't go to onc until the 14th tho...wish it was sooner so I could know what I have to look forward to...I don't want to lose my hair again...didn't really mind the baldness but now that it has finally come back and looks somewhat normal...well you know...

It has been 1 year today since that fateful day when I had my second mammogram and ultra sound and the technician came in and told me I had breast cancer... In the last year I have had bilateral mastectomy, chemo, a stay in the hospital for 2 weeks for blood clots, 2 weeks in rehab, rads, and now because of the blood clots I can't walk properly. Working with a therapist and dynasplint trying to loosen up my tendons so that my foot and ankle will work... I also ended up with curling toes because of blood loss during the blood clots.. My husband works with my toes and feet everyday and my toes are feet are better looking than they were a few months ago... Anyway it has been a long year...



Cindy

Cindy ... I'm coming on my one year cancerversary too.  Dec 17th is the day that changed my life.  It has definitely been a long year!  I pray for everyone for hope and healing!

Thanks Specialk... I read everyday and post once in awhile...



Cindy

jenn - so sorry things progressed for you.  I will continue to pray for you!

JENN, sweet sweet Jenn, I think it's about time for a look at the sleeping puppy video again!

http://www.americablog.com/2010/10/cutest-sleeping-puppy-ever.html

Dear one, you have received such shocking news, how hard this must be for you to bear.  But child, you do not know how your life story will end, no one knows, so while we cancer sisters take things a tad more seriously about endings, we must have courage and try to make our lives about beginnings.  While it is true stage 4 ovarian cannot be cured, nevertheless it is also true there are percentages of women who survive long, long beautiful years.  That is the attitude you have to take, despite the bleak possibilities.  It's like John Mayer sang, "I've got dreams, I've got dreams to remember..." 

As for seeking another opinion, feel free to do so, and I personally would want to.  COULD an error have been made?  I suppose, depending on the evidence.  Me, when I wound up with three cancers in my breast, so unbelievable but pretty much par for the course for me, I SAW the mammogram and had no problem going with my cancer center doc's opinion.  But could be you don't know for sure like I did, so I see no harm in making sure.

Hmmmmm.  I am glad you will stop working.  Whether you live ten months or ten years, enough is enough.  Doing pleasant things now will do more to make you feel better and even live longer than anything else. Oh, gosh, I would want to go to the Bahamas and lay in the pink sands and wade in the turquoise waters and feel balmy temperatures warm up my soul, release my soul.  You are easily the most beautiful woman on this forum, never seen such eyes, so if your hair is long enough, splurge for some extensions maybe, get those eyes made up by a pro, buy the most beautiful blouses and best jeans and best shoes you can find, and go about your life being the most beautiful woman you are. 

But hon, when you get tired, when you cry, or as Simon and Garfunkle sang, "When evening falls so hard...," well then, pull the curtains, put on your pajamas, turn on a wonderous movie, and take a long afternoon matinee nap.  Like the little puppy in the video, we all feel pain that only sleep consoles.  I love you with all my heart, Jenn, my chemo sister, so sophisticated and yet so sweet, I cannot say how much I hurt for you, and yet I know you will eventually get on with it, you've always shown such amazing strength, and you will smile and turn your life into what you want it to be now, to hell with all the other.  For you have been set free to do whatever you choose.  And I will always imagine you as standing where you love being, the breeze in your hair, those great eyes filled with the understanding that only comes from knowing life from end to end and still willing to go thru it all over again.  Love to you always, dear one, Gail
.......

Jenn - you have dealt with all you've been handed with amazing dignity and grace.  Allow yourself that time to cry.  You have permission!  Just don't keep crying - nothing good can come from that.  But give yourself the same allowances you would give anyone else in your shoes.