feeling old before my time, and sad about it

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minxie
minxie Member Posts: 484
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

This morning I heard this horrendous clattering coming from the staircase and thought someone had fallen. I rushed over to see what happened, and it was my husband, who was fine. He said he just ran down the stairs really fast so he made a lot of noise. Which got me thinking - when was the last time I tore down the stairs? A year at least. My joints hurt too much, I take things sooo slow now, I'm terrified of falling and breaking a bone. I remind myself of my 68 year old mother and I'm only 45.

I used to be the mom on the jungle gym with the kids, the mom who skateboarded with them, roughhoused with them. I can't anymore. And it's all happened within the past year. Two years out from chemo.

The skin on the back of my hands looks scaly and dry all the time. My knee clicks with every step I take. I've gained 15 pounds even though I've cut back on what I eat, and exercise. I've never been gorgeous, but am - or was - reasonably attractive.  Now my face is sagging and I'm getting jowls. I haven't seen a guy give me one of those sidelong glances in ages.

I know it could be so much worse, yes I know there are people much younger than me who have lost their life to this disease and I am grateful to still be here.  But these treatments and the way they've stripped me of estrogen have aged me at least 10 years and yes, it does depress me. Even though I'm TN, onc says absolutely no estrogen - they're not quite sure of the connection but it may be there. OK, I'm not vain enough to risk my life by taking it - but is there anything else I can do to feel 45 again?

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited October 2011

    You are not alone!! I'm sure that this will be become a popular thread. Everyone wants to feel attractive, and at our "best" -- it is not vain, it is human. Wink

    Your Mods 

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  • TifJ
    TifJ Member Posts: 1,568
    edited October 2011

    I'm with you Minxie! I am 46 and feel like I'm 80. Everything pops and cracks and my energy level is so low. My face is more broken out now than it ever was as a teenager, yet I'm flaky and dry as well as oily. I could stand to lose 15lbs as well. I don't feel attractive at all anymore. I could go on and on, but you understand! Anyone have any suggestions?!

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  • TAPPY
    TAPPY Member Posts: 283
    edited October 2011

    I did not get recon....but I tell you this.

    I am saving my $ because when I done with treatment I plan on getting a facelift !  That will be "my boob job"  and my teeth whitened.  I feel like this whole treatment and after effects will strip me down to nothing......

    But I know the feeling....I am just praying my hair comes back normal...I know it is vain, but I love my hair

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  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 2,095
    edited October 2011

    Hello, friends--I am 41, I was diagnosed at 39.  I am waiting to hear from my oncologist about my menopausal status, but I'm pretty sure it's menopausal--I haven't had a period in over a year since chemo.  I also have osteoporosis in the spine thanks to chemo and genetic combo.  My arm skin is starting to look like a crepy old person.  My face skin is super-dry.  I can't lose weight as easily. My hair is dull. I have to pencil in my eyebrows (darn it, they were good!!).  I don't think on it much, and frankly, I'm the one that notices these things for now. 

    Here are some things I do.

    I got a good undereye cream with caffeine.  I definitely show my age in the bags under my eyes.  I also try to keep the salt down, and drink a lot of water--a work in progress.  I hate drinking water.

    Vitamin D and fish oil definitely have improved my overall energy, and I'm actually less achy in areas than I was before diagnosis.  I definitely have chronic back pain due to Tamox, I just work with it.

    I bought myself a Clarisonic.  I really like it, my skin is brighter.  It's nothing super overwhelming, but it has been a nice subtle improvement.

    I don't skip the gym anymore, and I'm weight training.  It's super-subtle, but I am noticing a difference.  I haven't lost weight, but my rear is definitely reshaped, my arms better.

    I can't afford plastic surgery, but I have done laser treatments for broken blood vessels.  They have a lot of laser treatments for skin lifting at a fraction of the cost of plastic surgery.

    Teeth--I haven't had mine professionally whitened, but that takes a ton of years off the face.

    And...finally...having more days when I realize that truthfully, the 40s is when we stop getting props for being babes, no matter how good we look.  I have a friend who has had work done.  She looks great, but she still gets called ma'am.  Just the way it is.

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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited October 2011

    minxie ~ I could have written your post myself a few months ago.  Unfortunately, part of it just happens naturally in our late 40's, which was pre-bc for me.  I remember around that time suddenly feeling "invisible" to men -- except ones who I thought looked old enough to be my father!  But, you're right, bc tx definitely takes what's left away kind of quickly.  But I think there are lots of things we can do about it.

    The best thing I've done post-tx is to get my hair color professionally done again.  For awhile, I was just so happy to have hair, coloring it myself seemed adequate and a cost savings.  But getting a really good cut & color again made a HUGE difference in how I feel about myself.  I've also cleaned out my closet and started looking at fashion magazines again.  And I'm doing monthly facials (started b'cuz I had a special offer) and eyebrow shaping/waxing -- things I didn't do pre-bc.  

    Have you or has anyone been watching Dancing With The Stars?  J.R. Martinez is such a role model for not letting physical losses or defects get in the way of living!   He's really quite remarkable!  He's an absolute inspiration to me!

    Anyway, please don't waste any more precious time dwelling on what isn't quite the same or what you don't have.  Focus on things you can do to improve how you look and feel.  I think some self pampering will make you feel 1000 times happier!     (((Hugs)))   Deanna  

    edited my last sentence to be more of what I meant when I wrote it... 

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited October 2011

    Ladies, I bought a book titled 'How not to look old. Fast and effortless ways to look 10 years younger,10 pounds lighter, 10 times better'. It has tips for hair, makeup, jewellery, shoes, spectacles, clothes, teeth, cosmetic procedures, underwear, nails. Author is Charla Krupp; published by Springboard Press; 224 pages. I highly recommend it.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited October 2011

    Racy, I read that book several years ago and remember getting some helpful tips.

    minxie, I agree with those who mention the mid-40s being a time when many of us re-assess our looks, our lives, our outlook on life.  I'm now 53, but I remember experiencing the mid-40s blahs, even without a bc dx at the time.  

    Something that's helped me is to be with women who have inner strength and beauty.  They may be my age or older and they're not concerned about getting that 'male' attention.  I work in an elementary school as an aide.  So many of the teachers are role models to me.  They're educated, happy with their jobs, have good relationships with each other.  They have husbands, homes, children, grandchildren, and they shop, swap recipes and travel.  I have days where my job isn't the most fun thing in the world and yet I still try to reflect on the people I work with, and how they've been a positive influence on me.

    I also want to say that there are some younger gals who have helped renew my faith in humanity.  I work with one 20-something girl who has to be the easiest person I've ever worked with.  

    Turn off the TV and other media outlets that hype up some kind of false female perfection that you think you need to live up to.  Cut yourself some slack and be easy on yourself.  Take this time to reflect on what brings you happiness, joy.  It may be reading fabulous books, driving on country roads, watching an excellent drama or comedy on TV, great movies, cute pets, relaxing in a hot bubble bath.  Incorporate those in your life as often as you can.

    I want to add that sometimes I get irritated and jealous of my husband's higher energy level.  So I try to find humor in it and realize my approach to life is a touch quieter and more thoughtful, and that's okay, too. 

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  • rosie06ct
    rosie06ct Member Posts: 220
    edited October 2011

    I too am feeling the same.......... at 54 I was (until my june stage 4  diag.) the grammie who always wrestled on the floor with my 7 year old grandson and was always very active. I have always been a littleover weith butover the last 8 years am up paround 275 and canno lose weight and also find the motivation to exercise as I am so sore and tired all the time (work as a custodian 40 per work )....               any words of wisdom on the eating and exercising from you ladies would so be appreciated

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  • Elizabeth1889
    Elizabeth1889 Member Posts: 1,036
    edited October 2011

    Divine Mrs. M, You are beautiful inside and out.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited October 2011

    minxie, I realize it isn't what you want to hear, but it's true that many of the changes you're describing are things that happen anyway to women in their mid- to late-40's.  I know that between age 45 and 55, my skin became dry, my hair became less strong and manageable, my knees began to creak, my neck got stiff and achy, my face started looking more and more like my mom's face, sex became less fun (for anatomical and emotional reasons), ... and I started wondering if this was what "old age" was going to be like.

    I joined a gym, tried to cook healthier meals, was more deliberate with makeup and clothes, forced myself to be more gregarious and sociable... in other words, tried to re-gain some of the "youth" I felt I'd lost.

    Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

    Yes, there's no question that a breast cancer diagnosis can turn our lives upside-down... especially our self-image as a woman.  We lose a breast or two; we beat our bodies up with chemotherapy; we take pills that wring every last picomole of estrogen out of our systems.  It's no wonder the treatment (not to mention the diagnosis!) can make us look and feel old.  The changes are especially brutal in women who were your age at diagnosis.  My aging took about 10 years; yours took about 10 months, I suppose.

    I guess what I'm saying is that IMHO, it really doesn't matter whether this sad, tired, old feeling we have is due to BC diagnosis and treatment, or to being the age we've attained.  In either case, we need to do something about it.  Take the advice of others here who've figured it out, and live young.

    otter

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited October 2011

    Good posts, TheDivineMrsM and otter :-) .

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited November 2011

    minxie, I totally understand. I look in the mirror and dont always like what I see. I have used Oil of Olay since I was 20 (am 52 now) and always clean my face with Noxzema. I always had pretty skin, sliky shiny hair and a good figure....untilll...breast cancer. My hair dulled, my skin just looked old and I had the stamina of a sloth. I was always active and worked on average 65 hrs a week. Then I became disabled and it was a huge life change. I felt I wasnt contributing to my family's income as I should etc. Disability just isnt near what I was earning especially if you include the benefits lost. As time has passed, my skin and hair came out of the slump but I still have weight issues since I take Aromasin. I do beleive Aromasin aged me 10 yrs as well. We're not as young as we used to be and we have endured cancer treatments and all that changes us during the experience. Give yourself a facial ,go soak in nice bubble bath and relax. Sometimes stress makes me feel ancient and its not good for cancer. I do as much as my body will allow and if I do my best than I simply cannot expect anything more.  Remember you have gone thru alot. I found things to do that helped me feel useful and that I enjoyed. I taught myself to crochet and really enjoy that since I cant do alot of physical stuff anymore. Find things that make you feel good. If you start feeeling better on the inside..it will show on the outside. Hugs and luvs, Mazy

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  • bedo
    bedo Member Posts: 1,866
    edited November 2011

    The hair thinning thing on AIs yuck.  I use biotin and rogaine and am going to ask my MO about Propecia.  Skin, eh, I've always hated the sun so it is not too bad but I use tretinoin and it really helps with glow.  Being a good weight is good.  I am 5/6 and 145 lbs, lost some with the stress, but my friend says I have to choose between my face and my butt.  Maybe I'll choose where to slap her!  Lightly.  I also have no money and no job so really economize by wearing rags at home and then have some really nice things to wear out. My left 'girl' is not a good sight right now but will get better. Now, Medicaid says they only "pull" teeth instead of fixing them!  I lost it, I told them, my boob is 1.000 colors, my eyesocket still black and blue from surgery, my hair is thinning and you're not pulling my tooth!  I have my hair highlighted every six weeks and then do the root touch up thing at home for another 3-4 weeks.  I find that it is a really good Idea to get my friends drunk and then I look really good.  What is the difference between a dog and a fox?  Three drinks!  Only kidding.  Limiting alcohol really helps and hey I don't want to be Ms Geriatric America anyway so maybe I was too vain before anyway.  PS I have a friend who sees a plastic surgeon and says there is a remedy for everything and looking at her, I believe her. Now I've got to lift some tiny weights  I want Obama Arms.  I've been thinking about the teeth whitening thing. Thanks.  But my energy is no where. And I have a mind like a rusty trap

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  • Miles2Go
    Miles2Go Member Posts: 120
    edited November 2011

    Thanks, Racy,

    I'm checking out your book!

    At age 72, just getting off HRT after 40 years (educated, ya-but didn't realize the risk of aging & long-term HRT and CA)...until a new internist, a university physician in a senior clinic, questioned it a week before my most recent breast x-ray in September.  He was sooooo right to ask the question.  No matter, I look great with strong bones.  I'm opting for surgery only (11/18/2011); however, I know my age is going to catch up with me very soon off the HRT.

    Thanks for the book tip!  Colorado Morning Glory

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited November 2011

    It really is a great book. I had a facial on Friday, bought some salon cosmetics and am getting my radiation tattoos removed on 15th. Then hair extensions I hope!

    I am 49. The beautician who did my facial said my skin looks early to mid 40s but by my demeanor she judged me to be late 40s. I will have to work on that lol.

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited November 2011

    rosie06ct, have you seen a dietician to help with weight loss? Your cancer centre should be able to refer you.



    minxie, there are some great suggestions in this thread and not all of them are difficult or expensive. LtotheK's mention of the fish oil (for skin and joints) and vitamin D (for bones) should definitely help you.

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  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited November 2011

    Ohhhhh myyyyy.....what a thread! And what timing, too! :-O I'll probably bust into tears while I tell this (because I do when I so much as THINK about it) but a few days ago I totaled my car (nobody hurt, no one else involved, just me, my car and a guard rail). Well when the EMTs came and I was removed from the car and put in an ambulance, I overheard an EMT radio the hospital to let them know about an incoming car wreck patient (me) and he said "Woman in her sixties, rollover with entrapment...." I didn't hear the rest -- woman in her SIXTIES? this guy is saying? I am FIFTY! And I only JUST turned FIFTY THIS PAST JUNE! HUH?????? I screamed "I'm 50!" -- not that I was especially proud of that either, I mean, but well, OK, you know...?

    I was diagnosed (Stage IV IBC out of the gate) when I was 47, and so now I look like a woman in her 60s?! So now I'm starting to dread going out with my Pack Rat too. He's 46 and now I look at him and look at me and I'm afraid it looks like I'm his frickin mother and I'm embarrassed he has to be seen with me. See, we went out to eat after my transfusion Friday, and....well anyway. You all seem to get it. It's almost like I want to break up with him now not because I don't love him, but to free him to go find a nice young (35-45) pretty and intelligent woman so he won't be stuck with me anymore. And also so I don't have to pretend to be alive when he's around anymore either. If not for the fact that I unfortunately DO love him and the thought of the sight of him with another woman makes me feel like I got punched in the stomach, I probably WOULD suggest we split for this reason (especially while he still has more good memories of me REALLY being alive, interesting and still physically attractive "enough"; he was 37 and I was 41 when we met/got involved).

    :::::sigh::::: 

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  • DiDel
    DiDel Member Posts: 1,329
    edited November 2011

    Minxie I swear I had to double check that I did not write your post!! I felt exactly the same way after chemo. I just turned 45 was diagnosed at 43. I am not in menopause but between chemo and so many surgeries I didnt get my period for about 7 months. My joints were aching so bad like you I couldnt move very fast and every step hurt. My skin was a mess and I definitely felt like I looked older than I was when I used to feel so young. A friend of mine is an acupuncturist so I started seeing her for the joint pain and what a difference it made!! I did 5 sessions and felt a million times better by treatment 3 and completely back to normal by treatment 4. I go to her every couple of months for a "maintenance" session. As for the skin...BOTOX...i considered it a post surgeries...post chemo present to myself. It was really the catalyst to getting back to my old self...as much as we can post BC. Once my hair was back to hair I could style and highlights and the fatigue of chemo and surgeries left me....I really feel like myself. I have always been a healthy eater and work out regularly...getting my face and hair in order really really made me feel like myself again. I wouldnt push botox on anyone but I was amazed at the results. I had botox used during my mx and TE exchange so I knew I wouldnt have any adverse reaction to it. My PS who I adore gave me a huge discount on it as he knew it would give me the boost I so needed to move forward.

    I hope you find a solution to help you move forward as well...hang in there!!

    Diane

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  • TwoHobbies
    TwoHobbies Member Posts: 2,118
    edited November 2011

    I'm sure there are many of us who can relate.  I have been feeling pretty old, worn out, and unsexy myself.  I'm six months post-op and hadn't cut my hair in months and it was long and straggly.  I hadn't bought bras or new clothes in a long time and my pants are baggy and ill-fitting.  So I finally decided no more cheap mom, spend everything on the kids and save money.  I'm going to treat myself.  In the last ten days I have :

    1. Bought expensive eye shadow, liner and lip gloss. 

    2. Bought new bras with the matching panties, and not Hanes six pack and $20 bras, but yes $40 and $50 bras.  And they aren't all beige and pale pink either like before.  They are black, and hot pink and flowery.   

    3.  Cut my hair although I'm still debating on the professional color.  Not sure I have the energy or money yet to keep that up.   

    4.  Made an appointment to whiten my teeth.   

    This has really helped lift my spirits and I'm starting to feel pretty again. 

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  • thankful4life
    thankful4life Member Posts: 101
    edited November 2011

    I have always been told that I look way younger than my age. Well, I was diagnosed at age 48; I am now 50, and in the last 2 years I feel I have aged 15 to 20 years. But right now, due to side effects from the AI, I dont have the energy to do anything about it. :(

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  • Lou10
    Lou10 Member Posts: 332
    edited November 2011

    I can relate to so many comments ... the pain, fatigue, weight gain, skin issues, etc., etc., and I'm sure things won't improve when I start tamoxifen tomorrow!

    I can't afford to do things that will cost much money, as I've been living on a line of credit since shortly after my diagnosis. Fortunately I'm not bad at putting on makeup and have found a foundation that is good for my skin. I'm also making an effort to wear more colourful clothes and accessories (going to the thrift stores these days).

    Demeanour does makes a big difference, doesn't it? I've taken pictures of myself on my computer looking sad or pissed off or apathetic and I look much older than when I'm smiling. Being a goofball helps too. Laughing

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  • ToriGirl
    ToriGirl Member Posts: 1,188
    edited November 2011

    I see a little bit of myself in every one of your posts....I'm sad about it and need to do something about it, but geez....I'm not just not motivated....I need to get off my A$$ and just do something just for me and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks...

    God bless!

    Tori 

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited November 2011

    The way I see it...I'm alive right now and I wouldnt be had I not had some great medical care. So whatever I am doing, saying or feeling...was meant to be. Its super tuff accepting that I'm disabled. My mind thinks that I will clean my house top to bottom but my body says stop after 15 minutes. My house was never show room perfect but I was always a highly organized person. I'm still that person on the inside so when things start to get messy, I kind of go in a panic. Thank God for a patient husband who doesnt walk out the door when I go into one of my panic stricken moments and go around waving my arms and raving about how messy it is LOL. My hubby helped all weekend (actually did most of it) so I could keep it up better myself. Most people who come here think I have a clean house...but to me it isnt what it should be. In my mind, I am still oragnized, thrifty, quick thinking, smart and a hard worker. The fact is although I know how to be that person...I'm simply not that way anymore. I have accepted it because I know its not my fault. I do as much as I can and try to be grateful for that. Where most people age gradually and slowly adapt to these changes, we are kind of tossed in all at once. I had to accept it one thing at a time. HUgs and luvs, Mazy

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited November 2011

    Minxie, I feel as you do, and am your age.   You are not alone.   Just be good to yourself - you can make yourself feel better with some simple things that take very little money (I don't know your financial situation - if you can afford professional salons and massages, I say go for it) - home facials, new makeup (drugstore or high-end), home manicure/pedicures, haircolor, buy some excercise DVD's off all kinds - I have yoga, ballet, pilates, Tai Chi...I think you will find these little things help tremendously.

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