Having a bad night...

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pejkug3
pejkug3 Member Posts: 902
edited June 2014 in Stage I Breast Cancer
I suppose we all have them.  Nights where we can't help but think, "What if..?"  Nights where we wonder if the doctor's are right and our odds are good.  I guess we all know that the truth is they don't know.  They cannot predict anything with 100% accuracy.

I'm feeling stressed  out.  Maybe it's because I'm nearing the end of my year of Herceptin.  Maybe it's because I've been eating crap for the past week.  Maybe it's because I met someone with my same "haircut" today and I recognized the unspoken fear in her eyes that was masked by a brave smile.  I know that look.

I'm 35 - soon to be 36.  I want to be OLD!  I want to dance (poorly) at my kid's weddings.  I want grandchildren.  We all do.

Emotional, feeling lonely and needed to vent.
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  • SpecialK
    SpecialK Member Posts: 16,486
    edited November 2011

    Oh, my pejkug, don't fret.  I am sorry you are feeling lonely, we all have those moments - sometimes in a room full of people.  It is completely normal to feel at odds coming to the end of active treatment.  We start asking - who is watching us - what do we do if x, y or z happens?  What does this weird ache or pain mean?  It is all scary, right?  That is why we come here - because we all know this is one of the only places where all of us understand.  Hugs to you tonight :)

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited November 2011

    Hi Pejkug, vent all you like ............. we all need to do that on occasion just like we have all had the very same thoughts run through our heads when nearing the end of treatment.  The only advice I can give at this juncture is to make the most of every day and enjoy your life to the fullest with your children.  It is a well known fact that just because we have BC does not mean that we will die any sooner than we would have if we'd been 100% healthy.  I don't have an expiry date .....do you?

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy 

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited November 2011

    We all have days like that.  It is part of this whole BC crap.  I am sorry you are having a bad day.  I finally broke down and asked my internist for some meds.  I started lexapro this week.  I hope it will help me just get through some of the anxiety that comes with a BC diagnosis. 

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  • pejkug3
    pejkug3 Member Posts: 902
    edited November 2011
    Thank you, ladies.

    I've been feeling panicky and tearful all evening.  I'm not even sure what set me off.  Dang emotional rollercoaster!

    I know you guys can understand better than anyone else.  I think talking to that other women today set me off.  She's amazing and I think we'll become friends.  I saw her at my DH's softball game this spring.  I sat behind her and noticed that she was wearing a ball cap to cover her hairloss while I sat there in my wig doing the same.  I remember silently praying for healthy for both her and me.

    Then I saw her walk into the room a few weeks ago.  I decided to introduce myself today and reveal that we share the same haircut.  She was confused for a moment and then she realized my "hair" isn't my hair at all! 

    And thinking about her going through the same year of surgery, chemo and all the rest just made me sad.  I hate this.  I hate that she understands that it's not "all better now".  I hate that she understands the high risk of recurrence in these first few years. 

    This sucks. 
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  • jessicav
    jessicav Member Posts: 161
    edited November 2011

    pejkug3-

     It's you come here and share. I feel the same way often and it's comforting to know others feel the same. Thanks for sharing cause they the rest of us can feel not so alone with this.

    Jessica 

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  • Joanne58
    Joanne58 Member Posts: 1,117
    edited November 2011

    It's good you posted this, pejkug3.  I have a similar dx to yours, coming to the end of herceptin in a couple of months, and feel the same anxiety at times.  Other women w/ BC like the one you met and the ladies on this board are the only ones who truly understand our fears. My family keeps asking me if I'm in "remission"--what my status is.  It's hard to know what to tell them. We just want to be able to say we're cancer-free after tx with great confidence, but that's kind of tough to do.

    I have the same fretful moments as you've described, and they catch me off guard.  Despite these moments, though, I'll bet your positive days (and nights) outnumber the not so good ones.  Here's to more of the good days and nights ahead that we've all learned to really appreciate and cherish :)

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  • Beetlebum
    Beetlebum Member Posts: 73
    edited November 2011

    It's 2:30am here and I feel the same way.  That's why I'm not sleeping.  It sucks that when I wake up in the middle of the night I think of the "C" word.  I get my 6 month mamo this month and I'm dreading it!  That sucks!  It sucks because I can eat a whole carton of ice cream and then feel like crap when I gain some weight.  I'm sick of going to cancermath and checking over and over what my odds are without Arimidex, should I start taking it or take my chances.  What if I'm that 1% that would benefit from the AI.  You are all right, it's good to have a place to come where we all know what the other one is feeling.  Good night all.

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  • mags20487
    mags20487 Member Posts: 1,591
    edited November 2011

    I too have been having the same feelings this week.  Why did it have to get to my lymph nodes???  I wish I had found it sooner!!  I am only half way thru treatment and keep hoping that it is really working.  My DIL said to my husband that she" really does not understand why my mom is so upset--I am cancer free"... He looked at her and said there is no way for us to know that just yet.  Not for many years if ever.  I began to think though that everyone...even those not battling cancer could be gone tomorrow from an accident or illness they did not see coming.  That makes me realize that I cannot let this consume me any more than necessary.  I still have moments of sadness, grief over what I have lost, and uncertainty of the future.  It is just a normal part of this BC crap I guess.  We all understand completely how aweful this whole experience is.  One day at a time is all we can do.

    Maggie

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