3 Years finished but still not "over it"

I am only a year into this but I can relate...only because I see myself becoming quieter and quieter and craving that. Maybe we need to look at this as a traumatic event that just keeps looping over and over. Who wouldn't be changed? 

Wondering if you are on Tamoxifen or other anti hormonal since you were ER+?   If so, that could surely be a contributing reason as to why you haven't climbed out yet. It does sound as though you could use some help moving on. Have you considered therapy? Antidepressants?

Had you posted this a year ago, I would have identified strongly. My initial surgery (bmx) was 3 yrs ago next week- my last for a 2nd implant exchange a year ago this month. I still have to decide whether I want another surgery or the 3D tattoo nips I am leaning toward. But during the last year, I became aware of the fact that bc lost it's #1 place in my mind and I have seemingly entered my "new normal" of living life changed, but without that heavy darkness. I feel like it did take a really long time but when it happened, I hardly knew it. It's only on reflecting back did this become clear.

The process could be taking you a little longer. But if that cloud doesn't lift in the near future, I would consider getting some kind of help. Sometimes, that's just the nudge you need to see things from a different perspective.

Wishing you much luck and a future where the word "happy" can exist.

Ellenxo

I don't think we are ever going to be over it.  Hearing the words you have cancer is enough to change everyone's life forever.  Being over it, to me, is something that will never happen.  Even though cancer is not in the forefront of my mind everyday, it is still there.  I will be 3 years out in January and I know women who are 10+ years out and still feel the same way. 

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone professionally.  I did and I'm not ashamed of it either.  It  really did help as I had a lot of issues with anxiety and trying to figure out how do I live the rest of my life after hearing the word cancer. 

It takes time, and you will get over the hump when your mind is ready too.  It is a healing process and all of us heal in a different way.  Will you ever get over it?  No, but you will learn to live your "new normal" life and once you get there, it is a really good life to live.

(((Hugs)))

Julie, it sounds like you are suffering from post-traumatic stress.  Which, can happen after breast-cancer, especially since you admitted you didn't deal with it at the time.  When  you know, in the back of your mind, a disease can come back and strike you, it can be hard to deal with emotionally, so please make sure you get help with somebody who specializes in PTSD.  

Good luck to you.  You don't have to be JULIE HOWELL!  You just have to be you.  

I am almost 4 years out.  I still have memory problems. I am tired all the time.  I just can't do the things I did before.  So you are not alone in how you feel.  I had reconstruction, bilateral DIEP, just 2 1/2 months ago.  Had some minor complications, but it wears on you.  I just want to be done.  I know my life will never be the same.  It has been hard, I am still angry at times but I am starting to put it in the past.  It had been a long hard fought journey & I am still fighting. Hang in there my friend. NJ

Julie,

  Just keep posting on here.  Unless you've "been there", no one really understands the forever fears and anxieties.  I got a clean mammogram report today--I posted it on here cause my friends and family feel that I should be " over" the worrying now after almost 5 yrs.  We here will always listen.  

Hugs!

Sandi

Julie, I wanted to add a couple of thoughts, maybe even a slightly different take on your situation. First, after what you (and all of us) have been through, it may not be possible to revert to being the same woman you were before, which is not necessarily a bad thing.  You've experienced first-hand a side of life (serious illness, pain, fear) you may not have had an intimate knowledge of prior to bc, and that changes us.  Maybe what you need to strive for is a new Julie that isn't necessarily the spontaneous party planner, but maybe a Julie with other wonderful strengths that feel more appropriate to who you are today.

I also went through a period last holiday season when I turned down several invitations that really made my DH question what was wrong with me.  But I trusted my gut instinct, and each time I would try to figure out if my negativity (like not answering the phone or not wanting to go to lunch with a friend) was coming from my head or my heart.  If it was my head, then I knew it was just kind of a fear thing after being in bc patient mode for so long, and in those cases, I made myself say "yes" to invitations and go places when I really didn't want to.  And I usually had a good time. But if the negativity really felt like it was coming from my heart, then I turned down the invitation and stopped trying to justify it to myself or my DH, because I realized, I've changed.  I'm not the same woman I was pre-bc, and in some cases the people I spent time with pre-bc no longer made me feel good or happy -- and I felt stronger, more true to myself, when I followed my heart.

Perhaps if you try that little test -- ask yourself where your negativity is coming from -- you will have a better idea if you're holding back for fear reasons that you should try to make an effort to overcome, or if maybe you've changed and need to stop wanting to go back to the person you were and the activities you did, when, in fact, deep down inside, you're truly much stronger for what you've been through and maybe would be more comfortable with a slightly different role now.

Just some thoughts...   (((Hugs)))   Deanna

Oh, Julie ~ please go and ENJOY it!  Diane von Furstenburg was one of my earliest career woman role models/heros!  I've always admired her great sense of style, and I'm thrilled for you getting to meet her!  I hope you can relax and enjoy the evening!     Deanna

I don't know if you ever feel "over it." One thing I l feel is that you can't understand the impact of  BC until you have personally gone through it. I have friends that think they know what this has been like, but until you have gone through this, it's all  theory.  It's not their fault, When I would hear of someone that had BC I thought I knew how it must feel. The one positive is being able to encourage or listen to someone that has been diagnosed because I "have been there." Though everyone's bc and treatment is different, at least I can share what I know from going through mine and pass on some hope.

As time has gone on, I feel better about it in some ways, but my life will never be the same. .And you're right...nobody gets that.  I also think much of how we feel about our BC journey depends on how well the rest of our life is going. There have been other losses such as the stress of finding work and needing income, changes within my church and many relationship changes within my family. It all plays a part.  

It will be 3 years for me in March.  I think CoolBreeze is right about the PTSD. You just don't have time to deal with everything in the middle of treatment. I know for me there are things that will never be "normal" again (aside from the 25" scar across my chest)...or at least what use to be normal. But there are some changes that, while they are painful, I know are a good thing. This experience has clarified my life. Shed light on what was real and worth keeping and what wasn't. I've lost several people who I really thought were my friends, but what they really were, were people I was holding up, supporting, etc. and when I couldn't do that for them anymore they were gone. I have a new appreciation for what real friendship looks like...what's healthy and what isn't...I also know that I'm not as willing to put up with much crap any more. I'm not sure that's completely good (because all relationships have some crap to deal with).

I've had a hard time coping for the last year...a hard time finding purpose......I've been feeling very "Ho-hum" about life and I don't like it....so I decided that counseling was a good idea. It has been very helpful for me. I am hoping that along with that clarity I can find some motivation and maybe some new pathways as well.

Julie. DVF at a private cocktail reception. Only 25 people..what a terrific opportunity. Enjoy and defintely post a pic. 

Cheers 

Love the peanut butter story, Beth!  So true! 

You know, the control issue you raise made me remember something a very wise friend shared with me as I was struggling with getting back into life.  She suggested that perhaps illness and accidents come into our lives to teach us something we need to know.  I know that may sound "out there" to some; it did to me, at first.  But it's actually been a very thought-provoking idea to me.  Obviously, something has been out of balance in our lives, whether it's stress or hormones or nutrition or genes, to allow bc to come into our lives.  And it makes me wonder if the stress of being overly controlling or overly perfectionistic might even play a role for some of us in getting bc, so that letting go of control or perfectionism is something we can learn from the experience, to be more in balance and healthier.

I don't know... just a thought...    Deanna