A Friend Issue

I agree with jancie. 

I think, though, playing devil's advocate, from the other person's perspective, that sometimes its just really hard to do the right thing.  The day after my excision, I told people at work about my awful wire insertion experience, and they said things like, "Gee, we aren't going to go through this again?  We just went through this with my neighbor."  She had no idea what my wire insertion was like.  I wanted someone who cared.   I didn't feel like she cared. I told them the subject was off-limits.  I wanted contact, but I wanted not just any contact - I wanted *sincere* sympathy.

I ended up only confiding in people who I felt were sincere. 

As jancie says, the choice is yours, but do you want to use energy to maintain contact?

It is true that some people just don't know how to handle their own emotions when someone they know is diagnosed. I think it is a form of "detachment". Its sad - and I can't imagine the guilt they may be feeling or that they will feel if their friend or family member ends up losing their battle to bresat cancer. I am the youngest of 11 children - have 5 sisters and 4 brothers ( one brother recently died). All of them live in close proximity but in reality, there are 2 sisters who I really feel I can count on and who have helped me more than I could ever imagine. And several of my other siblings do have the time, they just chose not to show me their love & support.I have also had issues with friends who either treat me like I have a contagious disease or caused really unneccesary, high school type drama at a time when I certainly didn't need it. Surround yourself with those who make you feel good because a strong will & positive thoughts are half the battle. It really doesn't matter how many people we have to see us through, even one person who is there for you without fail is enough. If she continues to act like this, you need to do what is best for you & not concern yourself with negative bahevior like that. When the chips are down, you find out who you can really count on.Good luck to you

Unfortunatly many of us have gone through the same thing. It usually comes from people you think will always be there for you and the shock of them "checking out" is so hard to get over because you thought they were someone you could count on. I am sorry this happened to you too.

Let me relate a friend issue, and I will try to give you all the short version.  I have had this friend for over 50 years.  Upon being diagnosed I called my friend within that month and tearfully told her what had happened.  She was very nurturing and asked me a gazillion questions, all of which were not only hard for me to talk about but mostly I did not know the answers, however I did answer with the information I had at that point.  We spoke quite often and as I became more aware of what breast cancer really was I could answer more questions and with much less crying.  She was very caring.  Fast forward to a year later when she told me in a phone call that she had had a lumpectomy months before but did not want to talk about it and refused to let me ask her any questions.  Not a single question.  She did tell me she was on tamoxifen and then stated that she found it hard to believe that I had side effects from the tamoxifen as she didn't have any and, she stated, furthermore she had lots of friends on tamoxifen and none of them had side effects.  Huh???  Did she think I was making it up?  And what is up with asking me grueling questions and telling me I can't ask her any about her cancer?  So much for 50 years of friendship; it all came to an end with that phone call.  Am I too judgemental????

This is my story.  I broke the news to all my friends a few days after I had surgery, when I had recovered enough to write a semi-detailed mass email.  That was I didn't have to repeat the same details over and over, plus I could tell them I was doing o.k. from the surgery.  Every one of them either emailed back or phoned except my oldest friend of 40 years.  She is like a sister, except we live in different states.  I thought she might not check the email that often, then I thought maybe she had gone on vacation.  I sent out another email when I knew I would be doing my radiation.

I went through all my weeks of radiation feeling disappointed in her because she never did call even once.  I finally emailed and told her that I would have liked to have heard from her during my treatment and that it really disappointed me that she did not seem to care or be interested in how I was.  Well, long story short, when she finally called me, she was crying and asking if I was going to die from it?  (Not if I can help it!)  Then she said that over that summer she had a co-worker get breast cancer (advanced) and her neighbor had died from ovarian cancer.   She had been having a too much cancer freak-out.  I told her she still should have told me that in an email or call a lot sooner, but I forgave her because I love her like a sister and will have her as a friend for life.

One year later, this friend got Dx with B/C bigger and more advanced than mine (not mets, tho') and had to do the chemo part.  I called her often (aboutt once a week) and when, months later, she finished her rads, she told me she could not have gotten thru' everything without me being there for her.  Now, I think she will probably be able to pay it forward.  She definitely knows first hand how good it feels to have support.

People have different reactions and I totally understand your disappointment in your friend.  However, if she has been great on most other counts, I would not let this be a deal breaker over that long of a friendship.  People don't always do or say the right thing regarding B/C.  People make mistakes.  You can still point out that you expected more from her.