Can anyone relate?

Options
Paljo
Paljo Member Posts: 15
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I finished chemo and radiation treatments in June. Just recently went back to work and trying to get my life back to normal but there are so many unknowns. I like this site but everytime I start reading the different forums my stomach starts doing flip flops and I start feeling anxious. Maybe I am just avoiding reality but as soon as I log in here my heart rate speeds up....I swear, lol.

I s this a normal reaction? I find myself looking at everyone's DX date, their stage and how long they,ve been around after diagnosis. I guess avoiding this forum is my way of saying that everything is ok.

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2011

    Palijo,

    One step at a time. It is normal!!!!

    It is soooo much to deal with. I look at dx and how long people are still with us.

    What is bothering you the most right now and lets work on that.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • suebak
    suebak Member Posts: 199
    edited October 2011

    Palijo-You are not alone.  I am obsessed with breast cancer.  I am on this site several times a day. I find myself looking around to see how many people were stage 1 and moved on to IV, and just how long before that happened. I can not get passed this, hoping eventually I will. I don't want to have to stay away from here.  When I was diagnosed, I don't know what I would have done without the woman on this site.  I would like to be one of those woman that will be here for the next victim of this horrible desease. Still working on me right now, but hoping I will some day be helping someone else.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • debbie6122
    debbie6122 Member Posts: 5,161
    edited October 2011

    Palijo- Sorry you are having such a hard time, Ma11 and Suebak gave you good advice, just wanted to let you know we are all here for you. I dont know what i would of done without this forum when i was first diagnosed, these ladies really helped me get through all the anxiety i was going through, I believe the support and advice I got here was the only reason i got through it. I learned more here than i did from my Onco- I have made great friends, no one understands what we go through but the ladies who have gone through it themselves.

    Sending lots of hugs and love

    Debbie

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • elmcity69
    elmcity69 Member Posts: 998
    edited October 2011

    Paljo,

    I completely understand, and know the feeling - I'm sure many women here do.

    Maybe you need to give yourself the permission to stay away from BCO when you need that. I mean, you aren't avoiding reality just because you avoid this site. You have LIVED the reality of breast cancer. You are living, each day, the "new normal" (ack what a cliched phrase but it seems to fit).

    I've learned to do what many others also seem to - I take breaks from it. Some weeks, I don't even log on, and others, I"m checking in every other day to see how my sisters are doing. I can safely say no matter what, however, that I get more depressed and anxious, the more time I spend here. I definitely take BCO in small doses. Obviously, there are various reactions and dynamics to being on the forum - I'm just citing my experience.

    There's no right or wrong way to live, post-cancer. The hard part is, it can be work just to figure out with what exactly one is at peace- but I know you'll find it.

    (((hugs))))

    xo

    Janyce

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited October 2011

    One thing about BC (or any C for that matter I would believe) is that is a truly personal journey.  This place is not for everyone at everytime.  What you described is totally normal---not denial.  There are times when I find it too hard to be here too, and I just take a break.

    Do what is right for YOU!

    (((Hugs)))

    Sharon

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Paljo
    Paljo Member Posts: 15
    edited October 2011

    Thanks, everyone.....its nice to know that I'm not alone with those feelings. And, frankly, this is not a group that I would really like to belong to....I'd much rather be conversing in a forum of lottery winners than breast cancer survivors...LOL. But, this is the hand that fate dealt me....and slowly, I am learning to cope. I don't like my situation but I am coming to terms with it and each day is getting a little easier. One thing I haven't  done is gotten angry and I know that is coming.....but I will deal with that, too. Thanks for being here and I DO gain encouragement from your experiences.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited October 2011

    I can relate. My DH and I were just talking about this the other day.  He said, he thinks I need to take a break from BCO because sometimes when I get off I'm a little down.  It's when I read that someone has mets now or something similar.  But I told him if I take a break then I'd miss helping someone else or I'd miss getting some much needed info. or I'd miss the inspiration.  And it's the one place I can go that they understand.  He just smiled.  I understand what he's saying.  I'm trying to go back to my normal but coming here is keeping me in the BC world.  I'm not ready to give it up yet though :)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • sanbar8771
    sanbar8771 Member Posts: 281
    edited October 2011

    I do the exact same thing. I am completely obcessed with this board.  All I want to see is everyone staying cancer free but I do often get anxiety. My onc told me to stay off this board but I just can't pull myself away.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • SharonMH
    SharonMH Member Posts: 353
    edited October 2011

    Hi, I also am on this site several times a day. I feel that you all get it. It is nice to have all of your support. Yes I am getting on with life but I feel I still need to come. SharonH

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • MaxineO
    MaxineO Member Posts: 555
    edited October 2011

    Totally the same. I am obsessed with watching everyone's stats and trying to figure out my chance of recurrence. Isn't that terrible?

    In fact, after getting really down last week, my DH told me I should take a break from the boards...I am on right now against my own rules Embarassed!

    I'm glad I am, though, because it's good to know I am not the only one. Like you said, let's all win the lottery so we can meet in another forum!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • bak94
    bak94 Member Posts: 1,846
    edited October 2011

    When I don't feel good I am on the boards alot. Looking for support and good stories, but also we see what so many women are going through, good and bad. I want to help, but not sure I have anything to offer. I do need to limit my time here, and go do somthing else, but it is hard! My thing is looking for triple negative later stage survivors! It is so hard when one of our cyber friends recurs or dies, but it is the reality of this beast. Also helps me to remember to live in the moment, lthough I don't always do a good job of that! The info we get here is so valuable regarding treatment and help for side effects, questions we can bring up to our doctors. It is comforting to know that others are going through some of the same emotions, and that helps me get though the day, knowing they are doing this, so can I!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2011

    The way you are feeling, Paljo, is exactly how so many of us have felt during this process.  This diagnosis is not an easy one.  When I was first diagnosed and it sunk in a few weeks later after the numbness,  I was so depressed and hopeless,  then after surgeries, chemo and Rads and regular onc visits, although I felt a little more in control because I knew my treatment plan, I began to feel a lot of anger welling up inside over the fact I had BC.  So many things bothered me.  First I was upset that I had found the cancerous lump myself, even though I had been cleared by annual mammograms.  I was angered also by well meaning friends and family making insensitive comments that I, as a BC patient, felt was insulting to my situation,  I was angered over the fact that I was so tired of hearing the phrase "be positive" as if that would change my diagnosis,  and I was fearful of the cancer coming back to my bones or liver, or brain, or lungs.  There are so many feelings and questions we process emotionally, and these forums have proved to be a comfort for me and extemely educational.  I'm so sorry you are here but since you are, welcome, and we are all here for one another.

    image

    Barb

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2011

    I'm glad I'm not married with a DH, (aka a..), telling me to stay off this board. I get both good and sad out of it. When I have a problem there is always advise and encouragement here. Yes we don't always do well, sorry our fate has been dealt to us and all we can do is deal with it the best we can. For me that means being part of the board, both helping and receiving help.

    In the begining I did go through some phases of staying off the boards. I was mostly doing research on my own and didn't like it when one passed on. That is normal.

    Don't fight the anger part. It is part of it. Plan what to do when it comes. Go for a walk, punching bag, crying or whatever you think will work for you. I go into the angry phase a lot. It doesn't last as long anymore, but it comes and goes and I can be a plain Bi... in that phase.

    Hey, because of new research I have lived longer then my cousins. I am BCRA- and my cancer first showed up as a lump in my armpit I found when shaving.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited October 2011

    I can so, so relate to the anxiety looking at this board.

    I have never entered the data from my tumour.  Upsets me to think about it.  I don't like the way those numbers are tagged onto us.   I also have never calculated my exact chance of recurrence.  Not as if it could be exact anyway, it'll happen or it won't.  I'm trying to everything I can, wish I could do more.  I would learn to walk on my hands if my oncologist said it would help.

    I obsess about these boards too.  I have so few people in my life that understand, everybody I know except one person who has had breast cancer had earlier stage disease.  I have had a terrible problem with anxiety, but I'm finding I get less and less anxious looking on the boards.  I'm getting more and more able to talk about my cancer.  Wish I didn't have it to talk about, but I also feel like I don't want all my well-intentioned friends/family just walking around with all sorts of incorrect assumptions.  It's helpful to be able to gently let them know stuff, which I could not do when I was too anxious to speak about it.

    I agree with so many of the posts above.  What's normal in this situation actually kind of sucks, I guess.  But I do think it gets better. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2011

    Outfield,  I really do get what you mean about coming to these boards.  I come here because I feel that there is no one other than DH who really get what this whole experience is like. A family member was here the other night, who wanted to know why is hormonal therapy so important and how long do you have to be on it and I was able to explain to her that those drug are given to keep the cancer cells at bay.

    image

    Barb

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited October 2011

    OMG I so relate to this thread.  Although of course NONE of us wish a worse dx than the one we have we can't help but pick apart everyone else's and perhaps (at least for me) hopefully see someone with a worse dx doing REALLY WELL!   And it DOES happen!   That's what I live for.  To see those posts when someone like me is 5, 10 or more years out.  Gives us all hope.

    Sharon

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • rachelvk
    rachelvk Member Posts: 1,411
    edited October 2011

    I did have some of my harder moments after seeing some of the threads here - one by a woman depressed in hospice, a few by women discovering they had mets. It can be scary, and I've learned not to click on some posts. Still, I've felt that the more 'reality' I let sink in, the better prepared I'll be if I ever need to face it. Hopefully, I never will have to. And it does allow me to see the stories that offer some hope.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2011

    I think what makes the board better for me is the public just thinks that this is a disease that you do not die from. Look at all the survivors. I am able to talk about what concerns me and get advise from others that are in the same situation. The cancer society set me up with a cancer patient to talk with that was supposed to be same stage as me to help talk me through treatment. She was a stage 2. At that same time they were telling me possible bone marrow transplant after chemo. This site is much better.

    I do like this thread also.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Elizabeth1959
    Elizabeth1959 Member Posts: 346
    edited October 2011

    I also relate to the comments on this thread. The only person I tell everything to is my husband. I tell bits and prices to my friends. I often have my guard up with my friends because I have be prepared for well meaning but unhelpful remarks.

    I'm also in a breast cance support group. Last month, I told the group how scared I am about my future. They respond by telling me of course I'm scared I had the largest tumor they ever heard of and I'm at great risk for mets. Many although not all of them are early stage. As a matter of fact, the official policy of the support group associated with Yme is to group stage III with stage IV. This is quite hurtful since my deepest desire is to die of old age and not from breast CA.

    Elizabeth
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Joviangeldeb
    Joviangeldeb Member Posts: 213
    edited October 2011

    It is very normal.  I went through the same experience right after I finished chemotherapy.  It does get better through time. At first I dwelled on the subject 24/7, always fearful it was coming back, or that the chemo didn't kill all the cancer cells. Any new pain or symptom, I freaked out and called my doctor asap without following the 2 week rule of new pain or symptoms.  Gradually through the 3 years now since chemo, I don't dwell on it like I used to.  I'm aware to the fact that if I have any new symptom come up, I watch and wait two weeks. If it continues, I call my doctor and they set up a scan or xray.  Don't get me wrong, I do think about the possibility of mets from time to time, but I don't dwell on it like I did before.

    Take care,

    deb

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories