Death thoughts and triggers

NANNABABY,  I agree with BLAYZE, you should consider visiting a psych doctor and maybe getting some temporary medications.  I take tranquilizers for my panic disorder and it works.  And best of all, the doctor will be able to give you tips on handling those triggers of death.  A person can get pretty amped up about fears, and then next thing you know, it becomes your world, you fall into a deep dark hole and cannot get out to save your life.  Also, I think it's perfectly normal to go thru months of treatment and come out the other end pretty wiped out.  When a person is put thru the wringer, is it any wonder?  Therefore, good food, exercise, water, and especially rest is healing to the body, and makes it stronger, so when these triggers come up, you can better pass by them. 

My dog died the day before my surgery.  I held in my feelings until they took the drains out, because I had to put everything I had in standing up to the pain I felt (I injured myself in the hospital room, pulled on the drains and surgical site).  So, once the drains were out, here comes a flood of emotion for my dog.  I have cried almost every day, and pretty soon, I would just look at one of his toys or a photograph on the TV cabinet of him, and I fell apart.  At first, I thought it was good to let the tears go.  But gee whiz, it's been almost a month since he passed, and I was still crying.  So, I made up my mind I would NOT focus on stuff that set me off.  I instead immediately distracted myself before emotion got the best of me.  After a few times of stopping the emotion, I finally stopped crying.  I don't like that feeling of misery no more.  And I think weeks of dispair is enough.  But husband and I are still on the edge, we still tear up, so we haven't gotten to the stage where we can talk about all the good times with our dog, which is when healing happens.  And it will happen eventually.

Look, the statistics for your cancer aren't too bad, compared to some others, that's for sure.  Remind yourself of that every time you get a trigger.  Tell yourself, "I'm okay."  Set it aside for now.  It's time to let it go.  You know, the moment I knew I had cancer, I went thru all the grief and fear, I tracked down all possibilities and worked thru them.  But there was one I could not handle, and that was the death scenario.  So, what I did was, and this is similar to setting aside your feelings for now, is I asked the Good Shepherd to take that particular fear from me and keep it for a while.  And do you know that within seconds, I was over it.  Then slowly, over a long time, bits and pieces of death were given back to me, and i took it and found the good side of it and let it go.  Hang in, you've bought yourself a life, so it's time to be FREE.  GG

NANNABABY, I'm glad you have a doc!  I do too.  I also feel the worst at night, but I know it will be that way, so I just suffer thru, hoping there's something good on TV.  When I see my doc next week, I'm going to ask her if I should take another pill around noon, and see if that helps the evening thing.  Usually I take my Zoloft in the morning.

Wow, you went thru with your dog what I did.  I cannot believe the timing of some things.  Husband even referred to it that way, "He stuck around until your chemo was over."  My surgery followed chemo by three weeks. 

Well, hope you can get past this death trigger situation.  Things like that can really wreck your day.  GG 

Yes!  I finished my rads in July.  The last two weeks can't stop thinking about death and how I should plan for it.

Yes, I totally get it about the thoughts of death.  Found out yesterday a new friend suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly received a newborn baby for adoption after trying and trying to give birth to or adopt a kid.  I'm very happy for her, but as I was congratulating her there was this awful thought, "But hope you live long enough to raise this kid."  Nannababy,I was diagnosed around the same time you were, also stage III.  Treatment is done but it's really hard to get past the fear and live my life.  

NANNABABY, Oh, I got you straight away, your fears of death have nothing to do with suicide, rather it is a fear of dying and the unknown and what to do with that sort of thing.  Just from what you said in your last post, I think I can tell you a couple things that I went thru that are similar. 

A few years ago, when I got in my 50s, I got disabled and I began to think about all the stupid things I done in my life, and there were a lot of those to run thru.  What I did was any regrets I had, if the people were still around, I let them know I was sorry.  If they weren't around, I paid the favor back to anyone who needed it when the occasion arose.  And anything else, I at least settled it in my head by begging forgiveness and told myself that I done the best I could under the circumstances.  Then, just in case none of that was enough, I replaced sad thoughts with the good parts of my life.

As for your actual possible demise from cancer, I do know that with Hospice, they let you die at home, they give you some powerful drugs to kill the pain so you don't suffer, and they make sure you have normal human dignity by handling day-to-day baths, feeding, clothing, just like in a hospital.  Now, could be your mother didn't have the advantage of Hospice.  But you will, if you need it.

Actually, you know what I think might be possible?  I think losing your mom is all coming back to you now that your own life is threatened.  The association and similarity is clear.  Losing a parent at your age is traumatic.  In fact, my mother lost hers when she was in her early 20s, and do you know when I had to tell her I might die, she had nightmares and called out for her own mom.  It's all so helpless, the disease, suffering, death, and so it is very scary.  As my psych doc told me, anxious feelings like that "it's all fear," he said.  Conquering fear isn't easy, but we can at least side-step it, put it aside and go on and find things to do that make us happy.  No solution is perfect, but knowing a few things can tip the scale from sad to glad.

Of course, I still wallow in my fears, depression, confusion.  On my bad days, I'm inconsolable and no amount of reasoning will help, mainly because it's a FEELING.  Emotions have no north star, so we go in circles until we find ways to release it.  I try to exercise, I try to read and watch TV, I used to paint but haven't gone back to it yet but am about to, and in spring I'd like to garden again, and there are lots of things people do to occupy their time, and so too should you.

I'm SO glad you'll see your doc next week.  And we are now in Labor Day weekend, a time to rest and eat good food and talk to people we care about.  I hope everyone enjoys some time away from normal struggles and can smile at the simple things.  Always, GG