April 2011 chemo

Okay, so I kind of dropped off the map from here for a few days because I've basically been fried. Then yesterday I had a terrifying experience.

You gals all know I did Taxotere #1 last Wednesday. Well, it blasted my brain somehow. I was depressed, angry, and wacked out for several days, then yesterday I started realizing there were gaps in my memory over this past week. There were things I did that I had NO recollection whatsoever of doing. Nothing weird of out of character, but just normal things, like make phone calls and schedule appts. But I couldn't remember having done them, despite the fact that my handwriting was on the calendar.

I made an appt with the doc who replaced my breast surgeon, for example, which I swore I never made. But when I looked at the calendar, I had written the doctor's name down for next Wednesday. As far as I am concerned, I have never seen this man's name before in my life. I vaguely remember calling my BS's office, but I all I remember is them telling me that she had retired, and that I didn't need to come in for a mammogram for a year. My husband was there, and says that actually happened, but that I went on to make a followup appt normally for next week with the new doctor, right in front of him. (WTH?)

Then yesterday it got really bad. I started having moments of memory blackout where I had no clue what I was doing or why. "Why am I driving this car? Where are we going?" Husband: "We are going to the supermarket, which is one mile straight ahead." Me, 30 seconds later, "Wait, where are we going again?" Like five times in two miles.

Then last night as he and I were discussing this, I suddenly had the terrifying realization that I had NO IDEA what I had done that day. Talk about scary. It was like falling off a mental cliff. I was eventually able to reconstruct my memories of the day, but it took major effort. I was freaked out and crying. Then I prayed, and gave this situation over to God, which helped A LOT.

I talked to the docs today and we are trying to figure out what's going on. Part of it may have been sleep deprivation, at least I hope so, since I didn't get much sleep the night before. Today was much better, which could be the result of sleep, is definitely the result of prayer, and may be related to not trying to do as much today, but I am not sure I want to continue with Taxotere if this is a sign of things to come.

Has anyone else experienced this degree of impairment from any of your chemo? I know "chemo brain" is a real phenomenon, and that MRIs show that women have less gray matter in their brains after chemo. But not remembering your own recent experiences? That is terrifyingly over the top.

Windlass, so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I had some chemo brain after each chemo.  Felt like i was in a fog, clumsy and forgetfull.  It did pass, hope you are ok

lots of love 

Thinking of you, Windlass.  So sorry to hear about the tough times.  I do hope it gets better soon for you.

Hugs to everybody.....

Hey, Merilee - do you know we are only about 2 hours away from each other. We should meet in the middle sometime, like Sandusky or something. 

Thanks YaYa! I'll carry your good wishes with me tomorrow when I walk in those doors.  

Sarahsweety - sorry I missed your surgery. How are you doing? Listen to your doc and take those pain meds and get lots and lots of sleep. I really helped me.

ARticat - What's the news? Why do they think they need to do more surgery? You are a very strong warrior woman and you didn't do anything wrong. You will have all of us uplifting you throughout whatever you have to endure and you will get through it.  

Calling ARTICAT, come back, we love you.

Don't leave us, we are help.

Okay - here I am...went on strike for a few days.  Actually had red meat and wine last week just to show who's in charge?!?!?!?!?!  Neither one tasted good and the red meat upset my system!  Ah well, seemed like a good feel good idea at the time!

 The latest is that I will have surgery again - path report showed bad nodes and bad cells in breast.  Then radiation then probably more chemo.  Onc assured me that I have already had the worst cocktail so this time wont be so bad.  Easy for her to say, right!?!?!?!!

The docs had been telling me how well I was responding to the chemo - which they didnt expect - and I guess I had it in my mind that I was going to be done!   So, I am feeling very disappointed and irritated.

I am a clinical social worker - therapist - it is so much easier helping others deal with their stuff!!!!

Heard a quote the other day - this is my version of it - life's tragedies offer an opportunity to gain wisdom!  Boy am I getting wise!!!!  I hope!!!

Thanks for the TLC Merilee!!!!!

PS - Sudz - if you are ever in Essex visit Phoenix Books - owned by my ex!

I did respond well - tumor shrank so much they did a lumpectomy.   Just didnt quite finish the bad stuff off.  Thanks for the love!  (Glad I came back to you wonderful sisters!)

I hear you Profbee.  I have chemo this afternoon and then my last Taxol is in a week.  I am so over it today.  I've woken with a cold, I feel tired, grumpy and not keen at all to go to the hospital this afternoon.

Add to that my weight gain, numb fingers, rash etc, the list goes on.  Sorry to come on here and moan but it's funny how you can soldier on through 6 months of chemo and get to the last week and feel so totally over it!  I am blocking out thinking about radiotherapy. It will need a deep breath to just get on with it.

Thanks Profbee. I'm so ready to feel great.



Good luck for Wednesday. What a pain to have to go back into chemo mode. I hope your little boy is coping and has enjoyed having his mum feeling great recently. It's so tough on the children. My oldest daughter asked me if I was nearly finished last night. She will be so happy when mum starts to feel better. Do you have to have rads after AC?

Articat - thanks for the update. You are so entitled to be upset and let it all hang out with us. How soon is the surgery planned? Is it one breast and with nodes? I had cancer in both breasts, one had spread, the other was still in situ so both came off and nodes. I'm hoping and praying that this will keep the cancer from returning. I have a spot on a lung that they are watching so I can imagine somewhat how it might feel to hear, "we didn't get all the cancer."  I pray the next rounds of chemo will not be as tough to tolerate for you. Please let us know your schedule so we can keep you uplifted though it. Come talk to us when you are feeling down and afraid, we're your warrior sisters.

hi everyone!been away for awhile.i have been reading some to keep up!i hope everyone is doing well! yes kiwimom you will feel like your old self very soon!i feel like my old self most of the time. the rads are a pain in the butt to go every day but so far so good.

the guy got on to me today because i get up when they are done.just ready to get out of there!!!he said to wait, they might not be done then they would have to line me up again!i wanted to tell him that if he had to spend all of his lunch break every day laying in this uncomfortable postion and waiting for him to come back in this room to get up he would be moving too!!i have to tell myself that i only have 15 more times to lay there if i counted correctly!!just ticked me off ...but it could be my hormones...or lack of them!!!

rangermom i hope your first day back was good i know i can't waitfor 6 so i can take my shoes off and relax!!

profbee!!!yes you can do this 4 times!!!we will count them down together!!

we are warrior women!!!

Sarah - you are for sure a warrior!  Sounds like you are doing well, YAY!!

I am now about seven weeks out from the last chemo and no hair yet!!!!  

I look like Don Rickles!  Wish I did look like my father!!!!!  Jealous of the baby owl look!

Hi to all, haven't been around in a while. Miss talking to you guys. Sorry for those going through bad times and not doing so well. I have not been doing so well. Have a nose bleed out of the blue and some teeth bleeding. Happens about two times a week. Had it checked but they didn't find anything wrong today with the blood test, they think it might be the weather changing. I don't think that's it, never ever happened before.

Been really tired. Hair has not stated growing back. 7 to 8 weeks since the last chemo and urine seems thicker and still having diarrhea problems. Also can't understand why the breast that was operated on seems so much bigger than the one that wasn't.

Keep fighting all you guys, we are warriors.