How do you answer "did they catch it early?"

Anytime someone asks a question that seems intrusive, reply with "what do you mean?"

They may realize how rude their question was by just trying to explain it to you...

It took me a while. Hate the "sad face"  The questions are awful and catch you off guard.   Someone told me to treat your stage and lymphnodes like your weight.   LIE.......most people don't understand and are not educated enough like we are.   

For people I didn't know well or work colleagues, I smile and say, 'Umm, well I hope so'. That shuts 'em up. I mean, we really don't know do we!

If it's someone close to me, they get the facts.

if it's someone I know well but not close too (SIL's parents whom I've known since childhood and we care about each other but we are not close, e.g.), I don't say yes, but I say that I'm feeeling good and hopefully I'm done.

 annie

i say, well, kinda.  not in my brain, bones, liver or lungs.

most people don't understand the stages of breast cancer or the treatments.  i know i certainly did not prior to diagnosis.  i decided i didn't want to spend a lot of time trying to educate the general friends; but my closest friends i did.  people wannt to know if you are going to be ok; hense they ask that question.  i am with sherri; i hate talking about it people who really don't get it...or want to understand. 

I usually get "Well at least they caught it early"  I think they assume since I am so young that it couldnt possibly be advanced stage.  I usually just roll my eyes and say "Well?"  they usually apoligies right away. 

I hate this question.  But in the nearly 15 months since I was diagnosed, I've come to think that a lot of people blurt it out as a form of wishful thinking.  They ask it because they want it to be true and for you to say yes.  I've always answered truthfully, sometimes just "no."  I don't have anything pat after that - it's varied depending on the person.  It's gotten easier with time.  I think at first it made me angry because I was so angry in general.  Angry to be sick with two kids under age 4, to be diagnosed with stage III disease despite having been seing physicians and getting mammograms and all that.  

What bothers me even more than the question is when organizations focus on educating about how important early detection is.  Just makes me think to myself, "Well, they must think I'm screwed."

I absolutely hate that question.  I think it taps in to my rage that I had a 16 cm, slow growing tumor despite regular mammograms.  I think my prognosis is probably nobodies business since i don't have a crystal ball.  I hope they "got it all"   I hope i die at age 90 of old age.  When someone asks that question I just worry about my future. ( or lack of one)

Elizabeth

istreett I  remember when I was first diagnosed, I was so shocked and annoyed at the clueless, tactless and downright stupid comments I would get from well meaning people in my life. These were some of the pitiful comments:

"Oh don't worry about the surgery.  At least you'll be getting a set of "new girls"

"just keep Positive"  

"well, at least you got the "good kind of cancer"

"oh don't be so negative, of course you will not lose your hair, lots of people keep their hair"

Ugh! People can really say pretty insensitive things while you're going thru your own private devastation of the mind and heart over this diagnosis.

Barb

I guess I fall into the 'education' side of this. I'm a pretty open person and have told most of my co-workers and several other acquaintances. I've gotten the 'Did they catch it early?' question, and while I really can't say, at least I can say I had a gyn appointment the week before I found the lump and both he and I did what I'd think was a pretty decent check. So hopefully finding it a week later suggests it was about as early as possible.

I will however start considering quirky responses to the prognosis question. Keep 'em on their toes. 

Yep, they caught mine early....was 34 years old early enough, that's what I say.  What good is a mammo when you've never had one before because you're too young or have no family hx of BC....what about those of us who don't fit the BC profile.  Sorry had to rant a bit, I'm done now

On a lighter note, I have used BC to ward off annoying people...I took my daughter to her appt last week and there was this other mom there, you know the type that has to talk to everyone in the waiting room.  Well, first she asked, "how old is she", so we chat a bit and I go back to looking at my "O" magazine, then she says,"her shoes are a little big mom, hehehe"  I say, "yep, plenty of growing room" back to my mag, "is she potty trained"....blah, blah, blah, you get the picture & my short answers are clearly not working.  Finally she says, "you going to have any more",  I say, "nope, I'm done"..."well, you must have a boy, a daddy needs a son"  I say, "well I'm done so it aint going to happen" she says "but a boy just completes a family, you should really try for one"  I had had it with this chatty cathy and said, "well, since BC took my boobs, my ovaries & my sex drive I don't guess my husband will be getting a boy so he'll have to get over it, we got bigger fish to fry"  and she left me alone the rest of the time there.  Just thought I'd share with a group who understand.  Love ya'll!

I respond with "no not really", "mamograms don't always work", "my prognosis is good", "the odds are in my favor". I elaborate if I think the person is really sincere & would like to be educated. What bothers me more is "Did you get reconstruction?" especially since I make no effort to hide the fact that I didn't. My responses to that one could be considered rude. Fortunately I don't get ask that very often.

Asking someone questions about stage, when it was caught, prognosis, etc is sometimes an awkward way of showing concern. In other words, the person doesn't know how to ask how you are or express support and does it wrong.

But asking if someone had recon? The only possible response would be, "Why in the world would you ask such a personal question?"

Leah

Annie 62:  I LOVED your reply -- so good. 

Clariceak & any others??  I agree no one tells us that have dense breasts that mammo's are useless. And the times when I would point out a lump that the doctor and I could "feel", she would say it was just hormones and would go away by itself.  Give me an "f'" in break!!  What's bad is most of us actually trust their opinions. 

I have come to realize people have no clue what they are saying and how it makes us feel.  I know deep down they are trying to maybe understand out of concern for us or fear it might happen to them.  I don't get into stages since most people don't get it.  I do answer honestly... I am still here so all is well.  

Why do people assume you are cured once your hair grows back and you are done with chemo and all the surgeries.  I love when people say "it must be great to have that breast cancer thing behind you and you can move on with your life"  did I miss the memo that said it was never coming back and I am done with cancer?

Anyway this is a good thread and for the most part we need to take everything with a grain of salt.  Forgive them for they have no clue how bad they sound or invasive... we all got bigger things to get mad about.  But I do like the shock jock approach of the "NO".

Take care. 

people are either #1caring  or  #2 scared.  i prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt and choose #1.  really, most people are well meaning, they just don't know.  that being said, answer however you honestly want to. truth is ok.  for me, it depended on who was asking and when.  a shrug, sure, good enough, not really but i'll be fine, well a clean mammo and dr. visit and then i figured it out, 6 months of trying to get dx, whatever.  no right answers.

 by the way, my worst ? asked was, do you have health insurance?  by someone close enough for me to smack and disown!  (i didn't actullay do wither but geez).

 take care all,

hattie