How do you answer "did they catch it early?"

D4Hope

My daughters Girl Scout leader told everyone that I had the kind of cancer that doesn't spread LOL. She assumed that I had DCIS like she did. I was nice and told her that no mine was invasive and that hers could have been if it wasn't caught in the duct. She looked shocked and told me hers wasn't really cancer just pre cancer. I shut my mouth because I know DCIS  is cancer.

attypatty

I think your friends are really asking, "Are you going to be ok?" People still react as though cancer is a death sentence and it's not! Maybe it would help to respond to this question as an opportunity to educate friends and family, to let them know that, yes, you will be fine eventually and to give some basic information about your course of treatment will be. I think it's hard for people to know how to respond, especially people who care about you. They aren't trying to be rude, tho it seems that way. Just turn it around and respond with, "I know you're asking because you are concerned, and I will be ok after my treatment."

lwarstler

I agree, I think they mostly want to know if you are going to be ok. I answer, "well, not as early as I would like, but early enough that we still feel confident that it will be treated successfully." It sems to satisfy people without feeling lke I am minimizing it.

Rockym

I'm a smart-aleck sometimes so depending on who is asking I will either discuss modern technology and how grateful I am that mine was caught early or when someone says to me, "Did they catch it early?", I may just say.... "I'm not dead am I?"

LtotheK

This is classic cancer ignorance.  In fact, the technology is not honed enough to "catch it early", and tiny tumors can travel like wildfire.

That aside, I feel like I've learned a lot about fears, and people on this journey.  My take on this is, whenever someone directs the question (a classic in my case, "I trust you are doing well."), they already anticipate an answer.  In fact, this is not really an invitation to discussion.  I wish I answered just a pat "yes" to many more.  Because the fact is, if you engage, you may not like the answer.

One comment I often made was, "Actually, cancer doesn't work that way."  That usually put the kibbash on conversation from people who weren't genuinely interested in the answer.  Those who were pushed me a little further, and sometimes, I changed their view of things.  Which is healthy, because very sadly, they may be next.

LtotheK

By the way, not to be devil's advocate, but I suffered a lot of hoo ha from folks who had had DCIS or knew someone with it and equated it with my IDC.  My concern is that DCIS and IDC are often lumped (pun intended) into the same outcomes.  DCIS does not spread to the axillary lymph system, and this is all the difference.

http://dcis.info/treatment-options.html

1Athena1

I say "yes, but I could still die."

DocBabs

My stock answer is "I certainly hope so!"There's really no reason that I can think of to say anything more unless I want to.

buttercupwithab

I like the "well I hope so" answer best.  This was the most common question I got at diagnosis and it upset me at first.  The "well I hope so" lets you roll with it a little more - be ready to change the subject right away, though.

Personally, I don't think people should ask questions when they are not ready to deal with the answer.  I mean, what if you had burst into tears or gave her a descriptive dissertation on your disease.  I guess, what surprised me most was asking a question that they were better off not knowing the answer to.

oaktownmom

Thank you weesa, it is defiitely encouraging to hear from someone who is doing so well so many years out! And thanks to everyone for lots of good suggestions for how to answer this question. Some of them made me laugh out loud, and goodness knows I can use a good laugh these days.



At the heart of this for me is a wish that my cancer had been caught earlier. So much of this for me is coming to terms with my diagnosis, rather than caring too much when people ask intrusive questions. I honestly don't think it would have occured to me in my life before bc that asking someone about how early it was caught could be such a painful question for someone still struggling with a new reality. Questions about prognosis and reconstruction and life insurance on the other hand - clearly inappropriate!!!

weesa

So much hilarity and wisdom here! This thread embodies everything I love about our stage 3 forum--there's always so much insight, so much wisdom, mixed up with a wry sense of humor. I think we stage 3'ers are uniquely sensitive to that infamous question, "Did they get it early?" because they didn't get it early, but we still might be okay. We all ask ourselves, "Will I become a stage 4?" and this question, as Istreett puts it so well, taps into our coming to terms with our diagnoses. We are on the cusp of being okay, and on the cusp of being stage 4. Which way will we flop?

Fielding this kind of question (and also the great question, "Did they get it all") is still a struggle for me.

Stick with us, Istreett, you have only just begun, and there is much you can learn from us and us from you.

jennyboog

Stage 3er's are a special breed, it's tough....we ride the fence of not so good but could be worse....we're right there in the middle. 

faithfulheart

When I am asked this question, Did they catch it early, which I find such a wierd question.

I just answer no they did not BUT , THEY CAUGHT IT!!!!!!  So don't forget your mammogram this year,  it could save your life!!!  They just look at me really wierd like what just happen. Cause you just know they have been putting that mammo off and now there panicing!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Thats mean I know, and I don't do it all the time, just with insensitive people. Have fun with it. Sometimes I just say, God is so good, and I'm doing great, so what does it matter if it was early or late, I'M HERE!!

Have a great weekend, you are all awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

S

SpunkyGirl

I think the people who ask this question are 1.  very uninformed and 2. TERRIFIED.  I love Orlandpark's answer:  treat your stage and your number of lymph nodes like your weight.  LOVE THAT!

thefuzzylemon

Oh this is a great thread!!

As everyone seems to be getting much of the same ... I decided, as of last weekend, I have got to start teaching these people some manners!!

They will ask, "How are you doing?  Did they get it?  How did you get it?"  All pretty standard...but then the REAL reason they asked comes out ... "I had an aunt/mom/sister/3rd cousin/neighbor/in law/so and so from way back ... whoever they can tell me about who is no longer with us!!!  On to the graphic and horrible stories that I and my co-survivors listen to because we have manners ... well, we did ... until last weekend.

I am not exaggerating when I say, a women I had never met had to tell me about "warming up her MIL's fingers with a blow dryer so she could paint them for the funeral." 

Enough is enough ...

BCThriver

I never answer yes or no to that question. I usually counter with an enthusiastic "I hope so...I feel great and hey, I'm still vertical!!"  If I'm in a less flippant mood I'll say "My onocologist said it was an intermediate stage but still curable. It was never seen on mammogram and I never felt a lump- so much for early detection!  About 20% of breast cancers are missed by mammograms!" A bit defensive maybe, but they asked! 

goldiebelle

Hi ladies

  I guess I am a little different.  I get that question a lot.  People usually are not trying to be mean or rude.  I just say I hope so and let it go.  I am sure that somewhere i have said something thinking i was being political correct and was not.  Try not to be so hard on them.

goldiebelle

Hi ladies

  I guess I am a little different.  I get that question a lot.  People usually are not trying to be mean or rude.  I just say I hope so and let it go.  I am sure that somewhere i have said something thinking i was being political correct and was not.  Try not to be so hard on them.

lamuso

I used to get that question a lot when I was first diagnoised.  And I do believe what they are asking is if it is treatable or not.  Most people don't mean to be insensitive but if they haven't been where we are what they believe to be an innocent comment can make us angry or depressed for the rest of the day.   I had one guy tell me his sister was diagoised, was told she was would be fine, and was dead a year later.  I mean really?  I was newly diagnoised at the time and his comment crushed me.  He wasn't a friend of mine....just someone who slightly knew me and had heard of my diagnosis and felt the need to share.  Thank goodness most people aren't as insensitive.

elmcity69

I always just said, "well, cancer is waaaaay more  complicated than that!, blah blah blah" and would wave my hand. that usually shuts people up.

i have little tolerance for folks who are careless or intrusive with their questions. the part i hated most (well, other than cancer) was the way my life was suddenly public forum. every damned Tom, Dick, and Harry felt the need to ask personal questions about my medical file. I have to admit, I got pretty good at shutting people down when I felt like it.

thank God for our inner circles, be they composed of family, friends, BCO.org, etc.

208sandy

I've never been asked "did they catch it early" BUT a good number of my relatives and friends have pretty much stopped communicating with me regularly - I think they think I am either dead or well on my way - when I call them they always sound surprised and say "you sound sooooo good" - I should I'm doing fine.