What is wrong with me????

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shockedat39
shockedat39 Member Posts: 252
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I'm hiding in my cubicle at work in tears.  Once again, a neighborhood friend confided in me last week that she had to go for a biopsy.  Once again, her results are benign.  I am so happy for her but it just makes me feel so alone.  I swear this is number 10 since my diagnosis.  It's horrible for me to react like this, I know it is.  I just can't help it.  Why am I the only one?  (of the folks I know in "real life" that is ;))

I should be (and I am) thankful.  I'm nearly three years out, everything is going well.  The outcome could have been so much worse.

This is ridiculous.  I can count the number of times on one hand that I've cried over this.

Gah!  Freakin' cancer... 

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  • bcisnofun
    bcisnofun Member Posts: 488
    edited August 2011

    hi shockedat39 - I know exactly how you feel.  So many people I know get the b9 result and while I'm always happy for them, it makes me a little lonely and/or especially unlucky.  I do know 4 people at work who also have BC (large academic medical institution), so I'm not completely alone and as sick as it is, that helps me.  I have people to ask questions to, commiserate with, etc.  I am a very open person about my cancer, and people have come out of the woodwork who I know directly or indirectly outside of work who had cancer many years ago and are fine.  I started making a list of them and how many years out they are.  Those people aren't on these boards, so it reminds me that there's lots of longevity out there. 

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  • Paula1231
    Paula1231 Member Posts: 456
    edited August 2011

    Tears sometimes are the best medicine.  I understand how you feel.  We all have a bit of Post Traumatic Stress because of what we have lived thru.  You have been through hell and come back.  Its normal to cry for yourself, the person you once were, and the pain you have endured to get to where you are now.  Sending you a big {{{{{{{ hug }}}}}}}} to help you get through this rough patch. 

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  • Kay_G
    Kay_G Member Posts: 3,345
    edited August 2011

    I know how you feel too.  I don't know anyone in my "real" life that has had b/c.  I don't wish it on them, but it does really make me feel alone and ask Why me?  But as we can both see from these boards, we're not alone. 

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  • zumbagirl
    zumbagirl Member Posts: 308
    edited August 2011

    shockedat39,

    There is nothing wrong with you. I have cried many times, and thought to myself, how unfair it is, that all around my neighbour hood, and some of my relatives, smoke drink, eat unhealthy, and don't exercise, don't get sick, and I work out at least 5 times a week, eat healthy, and I get breast cancer. I don't wish it on anyone for sure, but it just sucks, when you feel alone, and the one that cancer has targeted. I have had one friend, since I started this journey, find a lump and hers came back B9, and I am happy for her, but I know how you feel. Hang in there, you are not alone. I am glad you are on here. We all need each other in this tough journey. Smile

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited August 2011

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way....been there done that.  Nothing is wrong with you, what you're feeling is normal.  I'm BRCA+ and I'm the only one in my entire family to have cancer....how messed up is that!  I'm happy none of my family has had to deal with this crap but how in the world did I get the gene and what did I do different to make it come out, I've asked myself that so many times.  I wish it all made sense and we had answers.  Hugs going your way.

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2011

    Nothing is wrong with you!  I have felt that way too.  Like why me and not someone else?  Unfortunately as time goes by someone else DOES get that dx and then my heart breaks for them.  Don't beat yourself up, this is totally normal!

    Sharon

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  • MrsMot
    MrsMot Member Posts: 90
    edited August 2011

    I am on a down day with my chemo and just vegging watching TV and wondering why everyone gets a normal life but me....I have no hair..I'm 3 days constipated (from chemo)...and feeling just plain lousy.  You are not alone in your feelings Shockedat39!  I have the same exact thoughts. Why us?  Why did we get this? I just pray for an answer one day...which will mean a cure. 

    Be kind to yourself...you deserve it.  Sending Hugs!!!

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  • snicklefritz
    snicklefritz Member Posts: 66
    edited August 2011

    I have done the "why me?" thing so much more than I can admit to.  But something happened during my treatment that got me really thinking.  I saw a woman my age with her ten or eleven year-old son.  They boy was bald and obviously going thru chemo.  Her eyes met mine and I saw the pure fear in her face.  That was when I thought that my having cancer was lousy and not fair but nothing compared to what that woman was going through.  I would not change places with her for a zillion dollars.  

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  • bak94
    bak94 Member Posts: 1,846
    edited August 2011

    I get jealous of healthy people, but then I see someone worse off than me and it certainly does not make me feel better, I feel worse. (My doc tells me I am healthy except for my cancer?!) All the emotions are so confusing. The first time I was diagnosed with breast cancer some women with a better diagnoses got mets and some died, I felt kinda guilty that I was doing ok and felt so bad for them and their families. I felt like I needed to do something spectacular with my life, to do something very important. Have I since then? Nope, just doing my best to be a kind person, to treat people how I like to be treated, but I certainly have not done anything great at all:(

    Snickle-so sad about that young boy....

    MrsMot-I hate not having hair!

    Jenny, I wish I came from a family that no one had cancer! My mom, my dad, my nephew, and 2 aunts have died of cancer. Plus my best friend died of leukemia, now her dad has leukemia, they are like my second family. It is awful to watch ones you love go through this. I was not shocked that I tested positive for brca 1. Your family and you must be shocked that you are brca positive. Sorry to be such a downer, sometimes I just can't believe how many people that I have been closest to died of this stupid disease.

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited August 2011

    @ bak94.... Yes, I was completely shocked and caught blind-sided by my dx.  BC is something I never even worried about because no one had ever had it & I was 34.  Not that my family is healthy, they all had diabetes and cadiovascular disease and my dad had a freakish stroke at 38 with no explanation as to why.  So, I always assumed that I was going to get diabetes or something else....BC was not at all in the picture. 

    I used the children with cancer thing alot to get me through rough days.  I felt the same way also, like I should be doing something more meaningful with my life....feeding the homeless or something.  I didn't as much ask "why me" but "why not me".  I do feel there was a higher purpose for me getting BC, I've not found it yet but I'm still searching.

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  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited August 2011

    shockedat 39,

    I don't think anything's the matter with "you," other  than of course having to live with the knowledge and experience of this disease.  At 44, this was an awful shock for me too, even though I'm a littel older.  I didn't have any relatives who had ever had breast cancer, NONE.  The two people I knew best were both young and both died very quickly after their diagoses.  That's been a horrible burden on me.  Going to my surgeon and thinking, "This is the same woman who tried to help Sue."   Knowing my oncologist was on-call nights when Sue had problems, was dying.  And then there are this endless stream of people I didn't know as well who had early-stage disease and are doing fine.  Or have had a biopsy and call it a "lumpectomy."  Or a support group leader who told us she'd hada  biopsy so she knew some of what we were going through.  Really?  I didn't go back to that group.  There are very few people with this disease that don't either scare the bejeezes out of me, or make me plain old heartbreakingly jealous.  And that's pathetic, to be jealous of someone who decided to have a BMX becasue of widespread DCIS, but I can't help it, I am.  

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  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited August 2011

    You feel like we all feel, you just had the guts to admit it!!!!! Here's the thing though, everyone has something. This something may not come in the form of a disease, However this world is broken. If we knew what was going on in other's live's we may think we got the better deal, thats a long shot, but you know what I mean. So yes, I am jealous that my sister's talk about where there kids are going to go to college, there kids are very young. I am jealous when i see old people walking arm and arm. I am 43 with 2 small kids to raise, I have no way to stop these feelings, i just feel them, and then they pass. I think about so many people who take life so for granted, I think thats the hardest thing to handle. It's not there fault, they don't really understand what a gift life is. We do, we get it!!  We know that everyday we get up is a gift, a bonus! When we are 90 years old life will still be a gift, thats our secret and the one small gift that we do get out of this mess.

    Hopefully, we will all figure out our purpose in why me!!  I would like to make a difference, but we can do that everyday, in the small ways, we don't have to change the world because we got bc. Just listening to other's, living by example is huge and can make a big difference in the world!!! Someone once told me I had been chosen, now that was a hard pill to swallow, she had also had bc. She had found her purpose and understood  it,  and she had felt chosen. Then this 70 yr old women told me that God only chooses the really strong one's!!!!!!!!!!!

    He must know we are alot stronger then we ever thought!!!!!

    These are normal feelings, but in someways, I feel more sorry for people then jealous at times, I feel like I know things that they don't, special things that you could never put a price on.Like the ones we love, we hold them just a little tighter then everyone else!!!!!

    God Bless all my sister's......................

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  • Elizabeth1959
    Elizabeth1959 Member Posts: 346
    edited August 2011

    I also feel jealous of people who have DCIS or have have a small tumor without lymph node involvement.  I think what I'm most jealous of is their lack of fear.   They anticipate a long future.   And why not, their statistics are much better than my own.  How many people have a 16cm tumor?  Not many.  I hate this disease. I want to live into my 80s and die of something else.  It pretty much seems unreal.  At this point, I feel pretty good.  If I could have a crystal ball and know everything would be ok I would want to know.  If the BC is coming back next year, year 5 or year 15, I don't want to know

    Elizabeth

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  • jbagley
    jbagley Member Posts: 102
    edited August 2011

    Elizabeth1959,

    my path report showed 10 tumors spanning 11 cm. I didn't even know it. I had been feeling loisy for over a year and my doctor couldn't figure it out, until I found a pea sized lump under,my left arm. 'Sentinel node' I m now hairless and recovering from tx #3.

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  • LittleFlower
    LittleFlower Member Posts: 405
    edited August 2011

    jbagley,

    just wanted to post that you look great in your photo.  glad tx 3 is behind you.  your almost done the first round!  (((Hugs)))

    LittleFlower

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  • Elizabeth1959
    Elizabeth1959 Member Posts: 346
    edited August 2011

    Jbagley



    I was diagnosed in June 2010. Are you finishing AC number 3? If so, I know your glad you only have 1 more. I hope your SE are kept to a minimum. It does get better.

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