I HATE This Freakin Disease

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pupfoster1
pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

Sorry if I'm a downer today but I can't shake this image out of my mind.  A girl (lady now, we're 49) I went to HS with has been battling w/this s#%tty disease since 1997.  I found out yesterday she has taken a turn for the worse and they posted a link to a Caring Bridge page for her.  What a mistake that was to go there.  They had some pictures of her now and she looks so bad.  She was always such a beautiful person (which I know she still is on the inside) and it hurt so much to see what this crap has done to her.  When I was in early tx one of my friends asked me if I wanted a Caring Bridge page set up and I said NO because unfortunately no one I know that has ever had one has made it.  UGH.  She was Stage III at the beginning and it just shoves it all back in my face how things can turn bad so quickly.  I know Barb you just lost a friend to this too.  I did post a message to let her know I was thinking of her and praying for her and her family.  She knows about my dx, but apparently is not in any shape to respond personally.  

I just had to vent a bit to someone who actually "gets" it.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  OH, btw we had a 6.0 earthquake here in MD today!  I was in my office (work in a LARGE specialty store) and the whole store was shaking!!!!!  AND Hurricaine Irene is expected to hit the coast this Saturday.  Never a dull moment...........

Love you guys,

Sharon

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  • elmcity69
    elmcity69 Member Posts: 998
    edited August 2011

    hey shar, i've actually been thinking of you lots and was planning to FB you later!

    i'm so sorry about your friend. and about this shitty disease we had. and about all the f*#(ing fear! it stinks, no doubt about it.

    i don't know - i think we just do the best we can, take it day by day. i know it's a hallmark cliche (and God I hate all things Hallmark), but it is really the only way to do it.

    i will say - and i know this is practically the only place on earth i can say it-- i sometimes reflect on others' disasters and sorrows. not in a gloating way, or to rejoice - but sometimes, it just makes one feel a bit less lonely. it also gives perspective.

    anyway, sending you (((((((((hugs))))))))) and thoughts. prayers for your girlfriend too.

    xo

    janyce

    ps: we really need a mid-atlantic get together - gals from New England through to your neck of the woods. maybe in the spring? that would give us time to plan.

    yeah, we felt the quake here in CT too. i didn't, but hubby did at work - says he wondered why he suddenly felt "dizzy and tremulous" - and then noticed the chairs moving! jeez.

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited August 2011

    Sorry to hear about your friend Sharon.  I hope tomorrow is better for you, it does come in waves somedays doesn't it.  I've been walking around in denial lately myself and then it will hit me out of the blue.  I'm in coastal NC so I'm ready for Sat. too!  Hugs and prayers going your way.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2011

    Awww, Sharon, I so get how you are feeling.  This disease brings us so many days of fear.  Hearing about the loss of one's who have had this illness is frustrating. I honestly feel when I hear about these losses, it makes me feel like why am I agonizing over deciding to go off hormonals.  Did the hormonals keep this disease from progressing to the point they reached with it? I just have no anwers for that.

    image

    Barb

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2011

    Thanks my sistahs,

    Crap this sucks, but I know it's out of my hands.  I so appreciate your friendship and just the fact that I have a place that I can go when I feel like this.  Janyce, Jenn and Barb thanks for always having my back!


    Sharon

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  • SharonMH
    SharonMH Member Posts: 353
    edited August 2011

    Hi, So sorry to hear about your friend. 

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  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited August 2011

    Sharon, I haven't posted very much yet here so I feel like I don't know you all, but I am so sorry about your friend.  

    I have a friend I was out of touch with who had a recurrence this past spring after 10 years out. Mutual friends didn't want to tell me.  Sure it hit me hard, but it's not as if I don't live every day knowing I will never, ever, ever be able to have any expectation that won't happen to me.  I know they were trying to protect me, but from what??? - my friend's recurrence didn't put any new thoughts in my head.  It's actually been good to talk with her and hopefully be supportive.

    This disease absolutely sucks.  I almost feel like I don't want to talk to anybody who had a mammographically-identified tiny little tumour and a lumpectomy.  Then I feel really mean about that because I know if that had happened to me, it definitely would have been a huge deal for me. But damn it's hard hearing all the positive stuff from people who really don't know.  

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2011

    Thanks Sharon and Oufield,

    Outfield, I guess it's a "good" thing we haven't heard about the latest turn of events from our friends.  We couldn''t change the scenario could we?  But damn if it doesn't suck any how!  Sorry if I'm being too graphic---perhaps we need a CUSS, RANT, PISS OFF, whatever thread..... Don't know if the Moderators would have it...............

    Sharon

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  • Elizabeth1959
    Elizabeth1959 Member Posts: 346
    edited August 2011

    This disease completely messes with your head.  I think about the future and plan for the future but who knows if I have a future.  I also have a friend who is know stage IV with a Caring Bridge.  I didn't do one either.  I think I also felt like it might be tempting fate.  Sharon, I like the idea of a Rant thread.  I guess that's why I'm up in the middle of the night.  worry fear etc etc

    Elizabeth

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited August 2011

    I am so sorry Sharon.... So her disease came back after 13 years? So part of me is like if I get 13 years I will be thrilled and then the other part is like Is there any flippin hope? Its so hard... all we can do is stay as healthy and hopeful as long as possible and PRAY for more TX or a cure...Hang in there in Sharon!

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited August 2011

    maybe rereading the 5 year thread would help.Also, I belong to this BC group on facebook. And there is post after post from LONG term state 3 girls. I was pretty shocked to see them all!

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  • americanpinay
    americanpinay Member Posts: 338
    edited August 2011

    Sorry to hear about your friend. Hope you feel better soon. Take care.

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2011

    Thanks girls,

    Jen apparently she had several relapes during that period, so I would think if you are cancer free for 13 years the reccurrence rate is VERY low.

    Sharon

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  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited August 2011

    I wouldn't mind a cuss place.

    And does this bother anybody else?  I hate that to get to this forum I scroll by Stage I, then Stage II, and then you'd think Stage III would be next but no, it's the recurrence forums.  Then Stage III.  So every time I come to this forum, which hasn't been a whole lot yet, I get to scroll by "recurrence."  Is it more common to have a recurrence than to be Stage III?  I am 14 months out from my diagnosis, more than 8 months out from finishing active treatment, and this still absolutely dominates my life.  It's not like I think about it every day, it's that I think about it every hour.  And I am getting on with my life and doing things, but DAMN.

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2011

    OMG Outfield,

    I've been thinking about that same freakin issue with the stage III forum too!!!!!!!  I am going to shoot the moderators and email NOW!  Maybe I'm sensitive, but I've accidentally clicked on that link and it freaks me out----call me paranoid, but...........

    Sharon

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  • grneyd5600
    grneyd5600 Member Posts: 420
    edited August 2011

    Sharon

    I just found this thread and had to post.  I have been having these weird emotions lately.  Two friends were recently dx - one had BMX yesterday other one goes under knife on Monday.  I have never felt "cancer free" since I finished my treatment and these two friends just made me sink lower into the pit.  Does anyone really survive it?  I am like Outfield - it dominates my life!  I can't shake it and some days I just want to run from the room!!!!!  Thank you for posting this link because I really needed to vent!  Yell

    BTW, I am originally from MD.  Still have family (kids) on the Eastern Shore of MD.  Praying Hurricane Irene goes somewhere out to sea!!!!

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2011

    Hi Jackie,

    I get it, but it does get better over time.  It's like a roller coaster though.  Sometimes I'm at the top, the next I'm at the bottom!  Where are your kids on the Eastern Shore?  We go to Ocean City a couple times a year, fish on the Bay and go to the ES for crabs at Harris Crab House and outlet shopping in Queenstown.  I heard they were closing the eastbound side of the Bridge later today.  

    Outfield, I just pm'd you.  The moderators have changed the forum index already!  HURRAY!

    Sharon

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  • grneyd5600
    grneyd5600 Member Posts: 420
    edited August 2011

    Sharon,

    Kids are just outside Salisbury.  They have a mandatory evacuation of OC MD by noon today. 

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  • laura347
    laura347 Member Posts: 99
    edited August 2011

    I hate it too Sharon, hang in...LOVES

    Laura

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  • elmcity69
    elmcity69 Member Posts: 998
    edited August 2011

    Just chiming in to say I am SO happy you gals advocated for the forum list switch! I, too, always shuddered when I accidentally clicked on the recurrence thread. thank you, ladies.

    On another rant, it's bad enough our Stage 3 section intones, "You are not alone". The first time I read that, I thought, alone? i know i'm not alone...oh, I must really be in the shit. Hmm. Great way to remind us of the negative.

    I am very anxious these days. Lost my darling onc, meeting the new one next week. I have a good feeling about him, but it just isn't the same right now. That and the 2 year anniversary mark, which feels like the world's most important competition. Pile on top these weird inner ear things - hard to explain, not dizziness, almost "waves" when I move my head around a lot (about 3 weeks)- and there's a Mt. Everest of anxiety.

    And at the risk of being snarky: no one bother telling me to tell my onc, because I won't. My fall is way too busy with my daughter applying to high school - so I'm just gonna sit on it and see where it goes. Yeah, I'm likely being a bad patient - and I just don't give a shit whether I am or not.

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  • bak94
    bak94 Member Posts: 1,846
    edited August 2011

    Oh Elmcity I get it about not telling my doc things. Sometimes I will have something going on and my husband comes in and tells him! Sometimes I get away with not telling and then it goes away, so I hope yours just goes away. Do you have allergies? I know allergies can make me feel funny sometimes. Here's to your symptoms going away soon!

    Sharon, I hope today is a better day for you! Good job to you gals that got the forum moved, much better position!

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  • kar123
    kar123 Member Posts: 273
    edited August 2011

    I just noticed that they switched the forum list!  Not a huge deal, but made my day!  Everybody stay safe!

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  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited August 2011

    I'm so glad I wasn't a freaky weirdo to be bothered by those things like the forum list.  ElmCity, that little "You are not alone" has bugged me too!  My reaction to it was pretty similar to yours, since breast cancer in general is so common.  I just try to ignore it now.  I'm not sure which is worse, reading that little tagline and thinking I must "really be in the shit" or all the people who tell me I'll be fine, that breast breast cancer is so treatable these days, blah blah blah.  Yes, of course, I've done every bit of conventional treatment offered to me, and quite a few unconventional things, but nobody who actually knows anything is going to tell me for sure that I'll be fine.

    I tell my onc most things.  I'd say I tend toward the hypochondriacal, but I don't think that's the right label when it's not unreasonable to be worried about my cancer coming back.  I hate aches and pains now, hate them.  I've played so much sports in my life and beat up my body a lot - I've already got a lot of accumulated joint pain and I know I'll have more just from the sports - but it never made me so fearful before.  But I am also tired of scans and tests.  I was just diagnosed with a torn meniscus and a fracture in my knee from yet another sports injury, doesn't appear to be cancer-related, and I felt almost kind of guilty about getting the MRI.   

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