So...I Am Back and.....

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Pure
Pure Member Posts: 1,796
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

not sure what to think. I am happy to have 2 breasts. BUT HOLY SCAR... I guess I wasnt  thinking about that. I can't even look at myself. I almost feel I looked better with one normal boob and flat on the other side. I only got a small fill so I am hoping as they get bigger I will be happier!?!?  My entire life I have had double D breasts so this is REALLY strange to be so small.. Emotionally I am struggling...I came home to find out my friend, my mentor, who had bc while  pregnant has stopped tx...It's only been 4  months since her stage 4 diagnosis but it's went to her spinal cord fluid. The family sent out a message that she has decided to stop the fight.  Somedays I just feel like what's it all for?  How can I be happy for moving on when she is now going to die.

So the pain meds, my distored body, my dying friend, its all feels a bit too much...again I have to pick myself up and fight..and fight... I am getting tired of fighting...:)

Thank you for all your support, your well wishes, etc...It really meant a lot to me;)! I hope I didn't bring you down. The good news is they didn't see anything. HE said my breast tissue was clean... And today I feel pretty good. Couple days I will probably be pretty much back to 100%.

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  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited August 2011

    Jen...get this book........The Book of Awakening by mark nepo. 

    glad you are feeling better...give yourself a little time.

    hugs

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  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited August 2011

    jen, i am sorry about your friend. it's very sad. however, every bc road is different. you have gone thru alot, and time will help.

    the scars will fade too.

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited August 2011

    (((((((((((((((((((((Jenn)))))))))))))))))))....glad that you are home.....cuddle up with those adorable kids of yours...that whould put a smile on your face.....I'm sorry to hear about your friend....as lkc said, the physical scars fade....and know that you will look more like your "old" self in time....be gentle to yourself and give yourself time to heal....

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  • tlundy
    tlundy Member Posts: 142
    edited August 2011

    Jen - so sorry about your friend.  You certainly have had a lot to deal with in a short period of time, and my heart goes out to her and to you as her friend.

    Regarding the expanders, I was a full C before my BMX (saline implants) and it was a shocker with the tissue expanders to be so much smaller.  As you continue your fills you will feel much better.  It's just another one of those things where we have to excercise patience and take one day at a time - yeah, I know, easier said than done.  As you work with your PS he/she will likely let you decide the pace for the fills based on how you feel, and as this process moves along it will help to get you feeling more like your old self.  I'm so glad everything turned out well with your surgery.  Sending you hugs and prayers!

    Tara    

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited August 2011

    any kind of surgery can cause some depression, add scaring, the total change upon waking and your friend's news - it would be unusual for you not to be in shock.



    It will get better, every day a little bit...you will feel better, the drains will come out, you will get back to normal day to day activities and so on.



    Ill be thinking of you - text or call anytime

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  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited August 2011

    Jen,

    the scars will fade, mine did. I have a friend in a very similar situation. It sucks, I know, but remmeber, we do all have different journeys on this bc road, some never here from this beast again! while others like our friends lives have been taken down another path. These are questions I am saving for God, because honestly he would only know why!!!!  Don't forget your pain meds can also bring you down, you will be doing great, give yourself a break, and time to heal.

    Your dear friend will be in my prayers!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hugs

    steph

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  • Claire_in_Seattle
    Claire_in_Seattle Member Posts: 4,570
    edited August 2011

    O Jen......

    What a double whammy!!!  I am struggling with something similar with a close friend of mine and praying he will be OK.  They still don't know for sure what is wrong.  A week ago, I was fearing the worst.

    The other is difficult for different reasons.  First the trauma of surgery.  I am sure too that you were imagining a perfect set of breasts....instantly.  However, you awoke to scars and relatively small ones.  I have not been through this experience, but I can only imagine.

    Hang in there.  Wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.  Remember the wonderful time everyone had in Maui.  That is where you need to take yourself. - Claire

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  • americanpinay
    americanpinay Member Posts: 338
    edited August 2011

    Hang in there Jen!

    Diana50...I just started reading the Book of Awakening and already finding it very helpful.

    Take care ladies! 

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  • geewhiz
    geewhiz Member Posts: 1,439
    edited August 2011

    I am going to download that book too!!



    Jen, the scars do fade...and I had my scar lines opened several times...most recently in January and my lines are faint. One day I got matte makeup that doesn't smudge and put it on. No scars!!



    You are on the road to recovery. It's a journey, not a destination :)

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  • kimber3006
    kimber3006 Member Posts: 586
    edited August 2011

    I'm so sorry about your friend.  Hope you are feeling better about everything already.  (((hugs)))

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  • Elizabeth1959
    Elizabeth1959 Member Posts: 346
    edited August 2011

    Jen

    My mentor who was so kind and helpful to me while going through treatment last year now has liver mets.  I am sad for her and  worried about my own future.  I think having breast cancer causes tremendous emotional pain/trauma and demands a great deal of courage from us.  I hope you continue to heal well and are happier with your new breasts as the process continues.  Please let us know how you are doing.

    Elizabeth

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  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited August 2011

    Jen, I'm sure it's good to be home with the family, but the death of your friend is a terrible thing to deal with on top of your recovery. I hope you can find a quiet time to focus on yourself and the healing that you need both physically and emotionally.

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2011

    Hi Jen,

    I've been off the board for a few days and just saw your post.  I am so sorry about your friend and that you are having a tough time.  You have one full plate that's for sure.

    As some of the other ladies mentioned, the scars will get better with time.  Right now everything is fresh and more than likely swollen from the surgery.  Remember this is a process and you may need revisions to "tweak" things.  I had one back in June and can't get over the improvement!  

    I was a DD before my dx and it is weird being smaller, but my PS was able to get me about a small D so it's really not too bad.  Actually it's the first time in my adult life I can go without a bra!  Try to look at that as a positive!  

    Keep talking with us, we'll be here for you!

    (((Hugs)))

    Sharon

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited August 2011

    I'm so sorry to hear about your friend & my heart goes out to her and her family, that's not necessarily the path you'll take though and we have to fight until there's no fight left in us.  We all have a breaking point, a point where we can't go on, she is there....you are NED and not, so celebrate while you can. 

    As for the scars...I felt the same way after my BMX, I got in the shower and cried.  I looked like Edward Scissorhands got a hold of me.  I'm sure it's the initial shock of it all for you and with time you'll feel better....it's the new Jen and it will take time to get to know her.  I'm so happy things went well for you, stay in the fight sweetie, hugs.

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  • Jaimieh
    Jaimieh Member Posts: 2,373
    edited August 2011

    Hang in there sweetie!!  I promise the scars get better I have about 3 ft of scars and I forget about them at times.  Take it easy and let yourself heal both mentally and physically.  ((hugs))

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited August 2011

    Thinking of you Jenn.  Such tough news to get at any time but especially now.  Yes, the scars do fade.  I used Bio oil on mine.  I think it has helped.  You have come so far and have so much to look forward to.  I think the anesthetic and pain killers don't help at all either.  I hope you feel more upbeat very soon.

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  • pip57
    pip57 Member Posts: 12,401
    edited August 2011

    Jenn, I lost a dear friend last year.  She was my inspiration.  I know how hard it is but, as everyone kept telling me, her story is not yours.  There are so many who do well.  We just don't hear as many of those stories over time.

    I can't offer any words about the surgery.  I am a 'flat' girl and didn't have to face any of those issues.  

    Take care of yourself. 

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  • livinglarge
    livinglarge Member Posts: 161
    edited August 2011

    The scars do fade and I know it is somewhat of a shock when you first see yourself after the BMX.  However I will tell you that as you go for fill ups they start looking better and better.  And you can go without a bra even if they are Ds.  I do not recommend running without a bra.

    Unfortunately we tend to hear all the horror stories and passings as BC is a horrible disease.  It is always so sad and does make you wonder why we fight so hard when we lose someone to BC. For some reason no one talks about all the millions of women that have beat BC and are well past the 5 year mark.     

    Every BC situation is different.  Look to the millions that are doing great (once again just wish people will tell those stories too).

    HUGS 

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