April 2011 chemo

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited August 2011

    Rangrmom

    My fuzz was white at first and has now darkend a bit. It is about 1/4 inch long in most places.

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  • ginger_mea
    ginger_mea Member Posts: 264
    edited August 2011

    My husband and I went to dinner last night with some of our regular friends that we always spend time with.  We haven't been out with them much since my chemo started in April. I have to say, I just don't feel like my self any more.  One couple seems uncomfortable to me, not sure? and my husband and I are like differnt people now.  I don't know if it will get back to normal over time, or will it always be different.  Has anyone else experienced this.

    On a happy note, 2 of our grandchildren are spending the night, they haven't slept over since I started chemo, and they make me forget all this, and just make me so happy.  They are joy in my heart! Smile

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited August 2011

    Ginger,I know I will never be the same.

    Lucky you with those grand babies that has to be awesome!

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  • artiecat
    artiecat Member Posts: 257
    edited August 2011

    Having breast cancer changes everything...inside and out.  My perspective has changed markedly and I know my body will bear the scars.  I  have not heard from my supposedly best friend since April, but have forged stronger relationships with others that were unexpected.  I hope that I will use the lessons I am learning to create a new, stronger "after cancer" life.  Sigh.

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited August 2011

    I'm a pretty "up" person, but the thing I realized about myself is that I tend to anxiety rather than depression.  So, when I'm feeling it--I'm cleaning, running around, making lists, not sleeping.  It looks different to others, but I do get crazy.  Thankfully I have something to take when I can feel my heart race and feel like it's out of my control.  But I tend not to get down (although I have my days), more often I get more up than I want to.

    I've been so surprised by many good people through this...but yeah...there's one or two who have just flaked out on us in ways that I can't imagine I would ever do.  I don't think I'll be able to think of them the same way again.  I'm completely intolerant of other people's crap right now.  The complaints about stupid, stupid things makes me nuts!

    I guess I'm worried that I'll never be able to put this behind me.  I'll always fear dying young and leaving my boy.  I try to believe that I'm going to be alright and this will be in my past, but part of me clings to the fear that I may be better after the mastectomy, but somehow this will get me and cut short my life.  I still don't understand the statistics.  I know the HER2 thing sucks, but with Herceptin things are better.  I know stage 2 is early, and I know I'm reducing my risks of recurrence with the neo-adjuvant chemo, mastectomy, more chemo and maybe even radiation...then Herceptin and Tamoxifin.  But, sometimes I worry about how many years I have left.  5?  10?  20?  None of it's enough. 

    I look at my 5-year-old and try to picture him older and worry that I can't.  It's irrational, but I just want to be here for him and my husband. 

    Sorry to be such a downer.  I guess it's a slump we're all in and experiencing differently. 

    I'm reading "Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster,"  Funny, it's all about positive visualization!  LOL!  Here I am imagining my death!  LOL.  Well, I just started it.  Is anyone else reading this?

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2011

    That book was my ticket to a great surgery experience and fast healing. I think it's great.

    So here I am on vacation with my husband, and all I can do is cry. I'm a wreck. I wish I could just erase my entire personlity and all my thoughts and all these tears and unhappiness and become a smiling stepford wife. If there were an erase/delete button, I would push it.

    It's beautiful out today, perfect weather, perfect everything, but it's not helping one bit. Now we have to go visit old friends we haven't seen since my diagnosis, and I just want to stay in bed. My husband just came to the door to tell me everything's loaded in the car, time to go...

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited August 2011

    Hang in there, hon.  I'm sending you positive thoughts!

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  • pawprintgirl24
    pawprintgirl24 Member Posts: 173
    edited August 2011

    so so sorry profbee :( i so understand in ways... my daughter is 18 but she is such a baby. i couldn't imagine her life without me...my mom died when i was 17 and she was sick for a good bit of my childhood and that made me grow up alot faster without her. i am not ready to go...not that we really have a choice in the matter...when i met with the rads dr this week he told me i wasn't going to die from this...it could come back.!!!i wasn't even thinking about it like that until he said something so i am glad you brought this helpless feeling up.now i am thinking so much about the her2 thing and all that. some say worry causes cancer...well that is what i do best!! i have tried not to and was doing really good until i talked with the dr this week.now i am worring again!

    i actually got up this morning and worked out a little! :) i just want my life back which i will never be the same again either.and for those friends......ummmmm...it is back to my husband and daughter.my mother in law was great to begin with but now she is back to her normal not coming around but cooking steak dinners for my sister in law, yes i am a little bitter since she hasn't helped us not one bit! but anyway...my friends i went to the beach with in june, we haven't heard from them. my husband got transfered and we don't hang out with them anymore and we use to do something with them every week just about. i know i have to be the better person and not hold it agaisnt everyone. i think they are scared or don't know what to say or how to act and we have no choice.thanks for listening.and hang in there everyone!

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  • pawprintgirl24
    pawprintgirl24 Member Posts: 173
    edited August 2011

    merilee!!! i have so many questions for you about rads!!!i didn't even think to ask the other day! i have been thinking of questions for my onc visit i didn't ask any the other day! i know my insurance will cover some treatment that i only have to get 31 treatments instead of 30 something.some it...something or other. and i have a ct wed...he said he would probably do a trail run the following week then i guess rads the next day.all that being said when would they do all that marking??i was really ready to get out of there cause i was really tired and not thinking...please help!!!

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  • ginger_mea
    ginger_mea Member Posts: 264
    edited August 2011

    Merilee - yup the grandkids are awesome!

    Profobee - I too have had many people in my life do over and above with support, meals, cards and calls, but I have had close people back off, and although I felt resentful in the beginning I have let it go. I'm trying to understand maybe they just don't know what to do, but I too will always remember it, its a little painful.  I'm so sorry for your thoughts about your son etc. I do get like that too especially during steroids,, I think it plays into it. Not to make less of the thoughts and feelings they are definately ligit. My thoughts are with you.

    Windlass - the tears, you are not alone.  I feel as I get closer to Thurs. which is my last chemo, I am thrilled but I want to just cry and I don't know why. Relief, or leaving something that I felt was making me better, and what if I stop? will it get worse? not to mention the next mamo...  just all these emotions.

    I am like a differnt person, and when I read all the posts on here, it makes me cry too, I think because it feels good to have others to share the emotions with even though its on line, I know you all know and there is a sense of understanding and I can feel that my tears are justified!

    Hugs to you all bc sisters....

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  • BernieEllen
    BernieEllen Member Posts: 2,445
    edited August 2011

    Hi to everyone.  We did our Boobs n Balls cancer run to raise funds for our Solace care unit.  Donegal to Waterford over three days on the motorbikes.  Feel like i've been kicked by a mule but it was worth it.  Last chemo next week.  Hugs to all

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  • axtella
    axtella Member Posts: 88
    edited August 2011

    Rangermom ---

    My hair is growing in white as well and it seems alot mor ecurlier then it was!!! I am in my pool everyday and thought that might be making my hair white. I asked my rad onc why I had to do RADs if I did the chemo to catch any that might have gotten away. He told me the chemo was for my whole system and the RADS is my backup insurnace for just my effected breast. I will have 28 rads on my whole right breast and 5 boosters on just the spot where the tumor was.

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  • RangerMom
    RangerMom Member Posts: 604
    edited August 2011

    Thanks for the info all about hair regrowth! I posted a joke on the You Know You Have Cancer forum.  Mine was YKYHC when your chin hair grows faster than the hair on your head! There are some funny posts on there for a good laugh.  Anyway surgery is tomorrow for me - I'm a little anxious tonight, by myself. I will take 2 sleeping pills tonight! Surgery not till 2 pm tomorrow. I know a lot of you all have gone through it and that gives me strength. i will get through it too.  I'll be back on when I get out and give you all an update. Love to all,

    Linda 

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  • pawprintgirl24
    pawprintgirl24 Member Posts: 173
    edited August 2011

    thinking of you ranger mom!! hugs!!!

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  • ginger_mea
    ginger_mea Member Posts: 264
    edited August 2011

    In my thoughts and prayers for tomorrow RangerMom

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  • CarlaB76
    CarlaB76 Member Posts: 74
    edited August 2011

    RangerMom - All the best tomorrow.  Sending you peaceful surgery vibes and still, rested surgeon hands. 

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited August 2011

    Linda, it is all going to go perfect. From this point on it gets easier.

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  • KiwiMum
    KiwiMum Member Posts: 704
    edited August 2011

    Best wishes for tomorrow Rangermom.  I will be thinking of you and your speedy recovery!

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  • artiecat
    artiecat Member Posts: 257
    edited August 2011

    RangerMom - sending you all good thoughts!!!!

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  • jackifp
    jackifp Member Posts: 185
    edited August 2011

    Ranger mom - keeping eyes, toes, and fingers crossed for the best.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2011

    Sending love and prayers to you, RangerMom. We're all here backing you up!!

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited August 2011

    Ranger mom you go get this done and behind you, we will be waiting here for you when you are awake enough come on and tell us everything is cool. Sending positive thoughts to you and  your docs.

    BIG HUGS

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  • scc218
    scc218 Member Posts: 163
    edited August 2011

    Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs your way, RangerMom!  Thinking of you!

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited August 2011

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BkT6-CDIjw

    Something pretty for Ranger mom

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  • RangerMom
    RangerMom Member Posts: 604
    edited August 2011

    WOW - that youtube link was beautiful, the tears just started flowing. Everyone, take a moment and watch it. Thank you Merilee for sending it and reminding me of all I have to be grateful for today and everyday. Thank youall for your positive thoughts and prayers. I leave in about 2 hours, surgery is at 2 pm. YOu all are such a wonderful group of women who have helped me survive this and grow. I coldn't have done it without you. I'll be back soon with that nasty cancer out of my body.

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited August 2011

    Good luck, RangerMom!  I'm thinking of you today!  I'm looking forward to reading here that you're comfy and feeling well.  

    xoxoxo 

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  • CarlaB76
    CarlaB76 Member Posts: 74
    edited August 2011

    RangerMom...still thinking of you!  To get me through my surgery, I remember telling myself that my job was to lay still for a couple hours.  That was the only part I had any control over.  That's all I needed to do. It helped me get through it .  Hang tough...

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  • artiecat
    artiecat Member Posts: 257
    edited August 2011

    Merilee, thanks for sharing the video.  It is lovely - and a reminder we need!  Thank you.

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  • YaYa5
    YaYa5 Member Posts: 667
    edited August 2011
    thinking of you, rangermom.  i'll look forward to your update.  just know that lots of women all over the world are with you as you go through your surgery.
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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited August 2011

    I am lighting a candle at 2pm for Ranger mom, any one else want to?

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