How angry did you get when you heard "the news"?

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited July 2011

    I wasn't angry either...I didn't think it was a cyst because I had never had a cyst before...I was mostly very, very sad..I thought I would die the next day....I was glad to find out that wasn't going to happen but it still saddens me that my life will be shortened.

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  • minxie
    minxie Member Posts: 484
    edited July 2011

    I was shocked and horrified at first. The anger came later, when I realized what TN really meant, how little there was out there to treat it, and the realization that I may not get to see my kids grow up, and have grandchildren.

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  • epgnyc
    epgnyc Member Posts: 101
    edited July 2011

    I'm in treatment for TNBC for the 2nd time.  The first time I was diagnosed, 9 years ago I was in shock for the first several weeks, but then my attitude wasn't "Why me?" but "Why not me?"  The second time diagnosed, this past Feb., I was much more calm.  I was upset of course and had a double mastectomy and am now doing chemo.  This time has been much harder on me physically but less so emotionally.  For some reason I've never been angry.  Sad, in shock, afraid, but never angry.  I'm glad because I like to save all my energy for fighter this devious disease!

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  • mommarch
    mommarch Member Posts: 584
    edited July 2011

    I was not angry, after I found the lump and had the mammo, I knew deep inside that it was going to be breast cancer.  My husband kept up the good hope.  I am a realist.  Even thought my prognosis is very good, I still feel not so sure.  Doing Chemo now, its going ok, still have 6 rounds to go.

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  • sydneymouse
    sydneymouse Member Posts: 1
    edited August 2011

    When I got the news about the biopsy results I was actually calm and was sad but not angry. From the time of the biopsy until I got the results I'd done a lot of reading and was prepared to ask questions. The initial pathology report said the tumor was ER-/PR- and the HER2 was indeterminate. The surgeon told me we would have a more difinitive answer once the tumor was removed. I was already in shock because my son had just been convicted of a horrible crime that he did not commit (wife's friend making vengeful accusation, son asked her to leave the house because he caught her doing drugs, no sign of struggle, no HUMAN DNA, no scratches/bruises/injuries, she said vs he said, and the jury believed her). The day of his sentencing we drove from the court to the surgeon's office to discuss the results of the biopsy and course of treatment. I had a PEM scan the following day and needed surgical clearance from my pulmonologist before I had surgery. It was 18 days from the time I had the PEM scan until I had surgery and during that time a second tumor decided to show up. I was initially diagnosed with IDC and then they threw in the DCIS diagnosis, too. The pathology reports on both tumors were TN. I'm 1/2 way through my chemo, Cytoxan and Taxotere, and will have 38 radiation treatments. I know this will all pay off in the long run and I can deal with the side effects because I know that it is temporary. Like I said, I was sad but not angry. I've turned to humor and blogging on Caring Bridge and it has really helped.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited August 2011

    I just got a copy of the book "The Anatomy of Hope ~ How People Prevail in the Face of Illness".  It is a book that TifJ mentioned in one of these posts.  I have read several pages so far and am finding it fascinating and it's really speaking to my soul and spirit.  Thanks, TifJ! 

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  • NotSoBusty
    NotSoBusty Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2011

    I just trying the best I can to digest it. I'm not hopeless just very sad and sacred. I'm starting to feel the fighter in me though as I keep hearing "kick it's ass" coming out of my mouth.

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  • yellowdoglady
    yellowdoglady Member Posts: 349
    edited August 2011

    Well, most of you took it better than I did.  I was beyond furious.  I'd worked since age 12, been self supporting since age 17 and had worked myself through school and grad school and paid all that off.  Then when I got too old (35), my husband dumped me for his student.  Then I looked after my Dad during his Stage IV discovery of cancer.  And through all of that, I worked about 65 hours a week.  Then I got sick myself, and everyone scattered.  I guess I was only good to take care of other people.  No one ever thought they should take care of me.  I worked through 18 weeks of chemo and 7 weeks of radiation, and took a few days off here and there.

    Yes, I was angry.

    But the good news is that I had a wonderful person who looked after me in the bad times and we'll celebrate our first wedding anniversary next month. 

       

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  • mccrimmon324
    mccrimmon324 Member Posts: 1,076
    edited August 2011

    Congratulations on your first anniversary yellowdoglady. 

    It's amazing how quickly you find out who your real friends and family are when something like this happens. 

    I can't say I was angry first, completely terrified is a better description.  As time has passed, I'm still terrified but am doing better and I am mad that this is happening to me.

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  • curecx2011
    curecx2011 Member Posts: 37
    edited August 2011

    Hello to all,

     I was VERY angry,scared and felt hopeless when I was diagnosed. I was 34 TN,  2 boys 12 and 10. After I embraced the fact, that this indeed was the cards that life had dealt me. I took it fought it endured 6 rounds of chemo a bilateral mastectomy and depression from it all. But I AM HERE and made it. My kids gave me fight I thought I never had in me. I also have a very loving husband, who picks me up on my down days. I am a year out and just staying hopeful..One day I KNOW they will find a cure for this terrible disease. 

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  • yellowdoglady
    yellowdoglady Member Posts: 349
    edited August 2011

    curecx2911,

    Good for you!  You should feel angry, I think.  This thing takes us on a detour for the better part of a year if we are lucky.  Don't feel bad if it takes another year to regather all your strength.  That you have family support is wonderful.  You can do this.    

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  • yellowdoglady
    yellowdoglady Member Posts: 349
    edited August 2011

    mccrimmon324,

    Thanks!  I married my sweetie of 8 years a year ago on the beach at Magens Bay on St. Thomas.  It was gorgeous. 

    We had to put our plans off for years so he could take care of his child who was dropped off for two weeks that turned into 3 1/2 years, and then I got sick.  Then the sweetie's unemployed ex decided the perfect time to move the child out would be while I was in cancer surgery.  That wasn't an accident.  My sweetie said he had two rules about moving his child out of his house.  1)  Her mother could not enter his house, and  2)  He wanted to be there when the child moved out.  The ex and the kid decided to steemroll him and scheduled it while I was in surgery so he had to choose whether to be with me or to keep the bitch he divorced out of his house.  The bitch won.  And years later we can't even have dinner with the child without hearing about what her mother wants from us next.  Now we just laugh.  The child has been an adult for years.  The ex has been remarried a few years longer.  The answer is always no, but the question is at the table every time we go to dinner.  Even the night before our wedding.  "Mom wants stuff out of your house, Dad."  I think the answer was that "Your Mom doesn't own anything in my house, so just leave her at home."

    Vultures are the worst thing ever.   

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  • christina1961
    christina1961 Member Posts: 736
    edited August 2011

    Titan,

     You should have a good prognosis with Stage 1- it doesn't mean your life will be shortened!  We all have that risk but not that certainty by any means.

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  • DDG1
    DDG1 Member Posts: 6
    edited August 2011

    I am amazed looking back at the array of emotions that washed over me in a relatively short amount of time.  Yes, anger was one of them.  I got the wonderful news AT WORK, over the phone, from the pathologist.  I'm a teacher and luckily the students were gone for the day and I was in a meeting with close colleagues.  I was not shocked at the diagnosis as I had an intuition about it and had seen the mammogram and ultrasound image.   Even to my untrained eye it looked simply nasty and foreign.  A numbness washed over me during the phone call.  Then I got really mad when I asked, "Well what do I do now?"  The pathologist said, "Well, I guess you try to find a good surgeon."  Gee, thanks for the help buddy.  After getting off the phone, I was overcome with a primal wailing and also became extremely angry and agitated saying over and over, "I don't want to do this, I don't want to deal with this, I've got other things I want to do."  I paced around the room in a frenzied crying and yelling.  I remember a colleague who had gone through BC saying, "Just let it out.  It's okay...just let it out."  Oh, those 5 ladies I work with sure had their hands and hearts full dealing with me.  They did a great job and quickly got my husband on the phone.  He came to get me and took me in his arms without saying a single word.  All the anger temporarily washed away and I knew I could fight.  It really is weird looking back on this 1 year anniversary since my surgery...the emotions come and go in cycles.  Sadness, anger, resolve, optimism, despair, hope, contentment...they all roll through me...but mostly I'm happy to be alive and feeling better than I did one year ago.

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  • yellowdoglady
    yellowdoglady Member Posts: 349
    edited August 2011

    Thanks for sharing, DDG1.

    Back then, I remember some people wanting to prepare me for death, but I wasn't going there.  Others thought that if I kept working, well, chemo was no big deal, right?

    The best part was coming out on the other side and knowing I had a good chance of living happily ever after.  That's what we do it all for, right?  And we get a full spectrum of emotions to ride along with that.  I'll do the happy dance when i am sure I can live long enough to see ten years from now.  That is not guaranteed, but I'd sure like it.

    My husband was insanely good too.  He said I was beautiful with or without hair.  Sat with me for hours while I had a needle in my arm.  Cleaned the house and fussed around because he could not make me well all by himself, and that drove him halfway crazy.  He's a keeper.   

      

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  • mccrimmon324
    mccrimmon324 Member Posts: 1,076
    edited August 2011

    Its amazing to me how the people you expect to be helpful and supportive scatter and the people you least expect are the ones to pull you thru! 

    I have a friend down here in Florida, I've heard from her exactly 1 time since I was diagnosed back in April.  We even had plans which she completely ignored and I haven't heard from her since.  Now this is a woman I've lent money too time and time again, did as much as I could for her when she got her knee replaced, she still owes me money which I know and knew at the time I lent it to her I would never see again but WOW!!! I have to say I'm really angry with her!!  Can't wait until she remembers I exist, don't know if I'm going to say anything to her or just let her hear my dialtone. 

    As far as the people who step up and pull you thru, I have to give that one to my hubby.  Not that I would ever question his love for me EVER but I will say this whole damn mess has made us remember that we need to say and show our love to each other more often, he's done more around the house, cooking, cleaning, repairing, whatever in the past few months then in 10 years of marriage.  He always reminds me that he loves me and not my hair.  He knows that the chemo is messing with my taste buds and everything is disgusting so he searches online for recipes that I might like.  He spends hours looking for things to buy me or help me with the side effects.  In fact the night of my lumpectomy he actually spoon fed me my soup, he's so goofy but he's my big goof ball and I love him more and more everyday now.  He's definitetly a keeper to me. 

    I know that was a bit off topic but I don't give him enough praise. 

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited August 2011

    what a sweet sweet husband you have, mccrimmon.

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  • SAMayoFL
    SAMayoFL Member Posts: 958
    edited August 2011

    My anger didn't come until quite a while after my diagnosis.  I got really, really pissed off when they cut off my boob and then sent me a bill for it.  It has honestly taken me a long time to work through the anger about what cancer has cost and that it will probably take me three years to pay off all the doctors and hospitals I owe.

    Hoepfully, we will all work through our anger and other negative thoughts and find our peace with this disgnosis.  I know it has not been easy for me.

    Susan

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  • HollyHopes
    HollyHopes Member Posts: 497
    edited August 2011

    no - i never felt angry or 'why me'?  i accepted that i was the "one in eight" woman who got this stupid disease and just focused on getting the most aggressive treatment.

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  • Maria_Malta
    Maria_Malta Member Posts: 961
    edited August 2011

    I would say numbness rather than anger...and a very weird sense of inevitability when I felt the lump and somehow I was sure it was bc, so when I was told the result of the biopsy I was expecting it. I have never actually broke down and cried uncontrollably, just a few weepy sessions with my husband, and that's that..weird, as it isn't that I'm not frightened, but I turn my mind away from the really scary thoughts as I know I can't handle them.  Sometimes I feel there is just too much information out there so I just focus on the here and now, one step at a time, following the schedule and luckily I still work part-time, and have 2 kids at home and so I have lots of distractions.  It might be burying my head in the sand, but this is how I cope.

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  • yellowdoglady
    yellowdoglady Member Posts: 349
    edited August 2011

    mccrimmom324

    I had a family member telling me I would die and not right away so I should not complain.  That same person begged herself along on my trip of a lifetime.  What I planned to do when I ended treatment.  Then she complained for two weeks that I didn't fetch and carry and show her a good enough time.  That was bad enough.  Then she told everyone I asked her along and didn't pay enough attention to her.  I wasn't even well enough to go on that trip, much less host her.

    I never offered to take this person along.  She begged.  And we had the thing planned for November, but she decided October would be better for her.  We adjusted our plans, and spent two weeks hearing how I wasn't well enough to go, and should have been left at home.  While she told my fiance that that t-shirt was just a little bit too snug, and that one fit just right.  One night, I had to take a minute and lie down.  I was up and out an hour later, and met my sweetie in the casino, and then I noticed her ten feet away, watching him.  He hadn't even seen her, but there she was, stalking him.            

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  • mccrimmon324
    mccrimmon324 Member Posts: 1,076
    edited August 2011

    yellowdoglady, I actually remember you posting something about your family member and her ruining your trip on another thread, that is unbelievable!  And super creepy stalking your man like that.  And she's family!  I'm so sorry that happened to you.  I hope you and hubby were able to have a do over vacation now that your over your treatments ( I'm assuming you are?)  and your feeling back to normal?

    Actually, hubby and I went on our once in a lifetime vacation to Paris and London, actaully had friends from Philly meet us in Paris, it was amazing.  AMAZING.  A week later I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  All I can say is I'm so glad I didn't have my mammo scheduled beforehand  or we would not have gone.  Now everyone wants to go back to Paris to Celebrate the end of my treatments, what hubby doesn't get is I would really like to have hair, feel good, I'd even like a breast reduction on my left side so I'm not lopsided. 

    Again, sorry for going off topic.

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  • yellowdoglady
    yellowdoglady Member Posts: 349
    edited August 2011

    mccrimmon324,

    Take a vacation, my dear! 

    I've come to grips with the idea that someone you think of as family may not value you much.  Why I had that piece of drama aboard on my Victory Lap, I will wonder forever.  I thought I was being kind and doing a favor by allowing another aboard, but it was with the proviso that she should bring a friend along so as not to be lonely.  I was clear.  We are not going for the night life, but for R & R.  She refused to bring anyone and came anyway and spent two weeks complaining and yelling at me and crying because she was lonely.  After five days, my sweetie told me to stop crying every night and let her fend for herself.  This was supposed to be my Trip of a Lifetime, and I deserved to have a good time.  So I just ignored the barbs and bit my tongue and let her act out and was so happy to get home.  I'll never forget some of that.  Like "You aren't well enough to come on this trip!"  "Don't worry, cancer won't kill you for a very long time."  "Why won't you let me put false eyelashes on you?  You'd look pretty!"  "No, we aren't family.  My cousin was married to your Dad for a while."  That just sent me.  They didn't divorce.  He died.  After 16 years of marriage to my stepmom.  I didn't say that.  I bit my tongue and walked away and bent my head and cried.  It was fourteen days of having to wake her up every morning ("I didn't bring a travel clock and I don't trust the "servants" to give me a wake up call.')  And I had to tell her what time it was all day ("I didn't bring a watch, so you need to tell me what time it is.")  And I had to take her photos for her because she didn't bring a camera.  What made her think a cancer patient should be her personal servant?

    So what was to be a glorious time for me became a misery.  Then this person came home and told everyone I was not nice enough to her.  I think I learned my lesson.  She made sure I never spoke to most anyone in her realm again, including my dear stepmom.  People who do things like that should burn inside their conscience, if they have one.

    My Sweetie and I married on the beach at Magens Bay, St. Thomas, USVI, last October with his daughter standing as maid of honor.  It was just beautiful.  The water was warm and lapping around our feet and we had a steel pan musician playing, and everyone had a pair of chinese knockoff RayBans for the photos.  And the daughter and her friend had a fabulous time and never whined or complained or hollered about anything at all.  They snorkeled and rode horses in the surf and explored ancient forts and held baby alligators in the Everglades and generally had a whole lot of fun.  They cried, but only because they had to go home.

          

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