Having Trouble Coping

Couple things I might can pass along, one about you and your boyfriend, and one about your mom. 

I'm married, age 60, have breast cancer, been in annoying chemo for many months now.  So, somewhere along the way, I had to explain to husband, who is such a sweet man but very independent, that he might have to put up with me losing it sometimes and that I was going to put myself first in all things for a while, and that cancer is just so dangerous that nothing else is more important than my situation.  This way, when I would get upset and insufferable, he would check himself and let me rant.  Could be you can talk with your boyfriend and explain something similar, that disease in a family is stressful, and breast cancer doesn't just quit one day, that it can be a long process, and thus you ask him for his patience and understanding when life veers off course.  You can also give him permission if he wants it to spend a few days away from the home once in a while if things get too rough, you don't mind, as long as he comes back!  Smile. 

As for your mother, I can tell you that she will like to have a "special place" in the house, where she can sit for long periods and watch TV, take naps, perhaps eat some snacks and read.  So, if you'll give her that space, maybe you have a living and family room and can "give her" one of them, or fix her room so it has all the conveniences, so she won't feel like she's interfering too much, and plus it'll give you and your boyfriend some "free" areas in the house to move around in.  If things are tight in your home, a back patio can become where you tend to sit alone in the mornings, and your own bedroom at night can be where you settle to relax.  She'll need lots of pillows, a very soft throw, tissues, a handy table to stack up books and coffee and the TV remote.  Whenever you are in the kitchen, ask if she wants something and bring it to her, really sweet thing husband does for me.  But I imagine her husband will wait on her for that sort of thing.  Just holding her hand for a few minutes carries a lot of power to a sick person... husband does that for me and it means everything.

In addition, I agree wholeheartedly with the previous poster, about you and your boyfriend having some regular alone time.  You could set up "Friday night date night" type thing, where your mother knows she will have the home to herself, and you and your boyfriend can leave late afternoon, go for a walk in a park, eat out some dinner, go to a movie or concert, and then come home and say goodnight, and shut and lock your bedroom door with a big smile to him, and sleep in Saturday morning and watch TV and lounge with your boyfriend until lunchtime, perhaps.  And then remember to acknowledge him several times a week by asking him how he's doing with everything, what does he have planned that day, that he looks nice in that shirt, or just take his hand and walk right out the front door and go sit on the porch and just talk softly to each other about the weather and give him a kiss. 

Michelle...

I'm so amazed by your maturity, and the maturity of the other sons and daughters in their 20's that are in your same situation. It is an awful lot to handle for someone so young... your Mom must be so, so proud of you! Take one day at a time, and please remember to take good care of yourself. Let us know when your Mom starts treatment, and how the both of you are doing.

Sending love...

Rose.  

When I was diagnosed 5 years ago, my family did all my crying for me. I finally told them I have no intention of going anywhere so quit trying to bury me. Try to live your life as though someone has a chronic illness not the dreaded cancer. My husband has a chronic heart condition but we don't obsess that he could die any minute, we go on with our lives. See if there is any help available. Here we usually start with the social worker at the cancer centre. They usually know or can steer you in the right direction. Hugs and take care of yourself.

I took care of my Mom when I was 24 and finished college. I was in charge of her advance directives and will along with my sis.  My daughter is in her 20's too.  My cancer is not nearly as serious as my Mom's was.  The best thing she did for me was to spell out her medical wishes in advance, so that I would not have to make that decision.  I have done that for my daughter too.  My daugher and I had a little tiff the other day and reminded her that I'm still her Mom, I'm older and wiser and have been through more than she has, so don't feel that you have to do everything.  I think it helped us both.  You are still young, although very mature, and will get more strength as you get older. Maybe your bf can take time off with the guys once in a while? I think the best thing my Mom and I did for each other was tell each other how much we loved each other.  I have no regrets.  I must tell you that my BF was a little younger than me at the time (21) and not terribly helpful, but we eventually married and had my daughter.  Try to carve out separate times for each.  Does your Mom have friends that can visit, do puzzles, talk meet at certain times of the week? Friends from church? Can your siblings help?  Your Mom may be tired and not need company all the time. She may just like to know that someone is there.  I wish I could be more helpful.  People do go through different phases as they experience change and your BF may be in the denial stage.  Sometimes my sis, dtr and I get mad at each other.  We're all stressed. I try to remember that.  As far as keeping your mind off things, what did you like to do as a child?  Read? Horses? garden? knit?  What do you like to do now? I read 12 hours a day when I was first diagnosed,... oh, the trash I read.  Things will fall into place.  Know that your Mom is very proud of you and did a great job. Her doctor should be able to hook you up with a social worker or VNA that may help with housework, medicine house check ups or her personal needs if she needs it. She may not need it, and still feel very well.  My Mom just kept dating her boyfriend and accepting his chocolates and being the Queen Bee for a long time. Ask him about social support and get all you can get. Remember, her husband is there too.  I wish you the best. I wish I could help more.

thank you for the post