Struggling

Struggling is exactly it, on one level or another.  I am 5 years out and sometimes I think I left cancer in the dust and sometimes I just feel so completely damaged.  Hate it.

We have a young survivors group and had a speaker from a health club this week.  He is a very nice man, telling us how we need to have our wellness wheel balanced: spiritual, financial, family, friends, purpose in life, spouse/significant other/sexuality, nutrition and exercise.  How you need to work on all these areas to be well.  I know he was trying to get us motivated to make the right choices (eating and exercising) but all I could think about was my almost perfectly balanced wheel I was riding around on before cancer threw a big fat monkey wrench into my life.  How every single one of those spokes he was talking about can be shattered in an instant.   Not that my family, friends and spouse did not help or support me, but that I knew every single one of them was shattered too.  How that now I need to rebuild my wheel (do it quick, or else.....!!! and by the way stress causes cancer so relax) with a gigantic black cloud over my head. So I kind of lost it in the meeting explaining to him that it was not that simple.  I think I scared him off, but that is the reality my survivorship and its occasional fragility.

What I do know: it helps to think everyday that my future is now.  I do the best that I can and try to enjoy every day and not let the bitterness of my cancer diagnosis take too much away.  Sometimes you just have a bad day, or a worse day, but I would rather have an occasional bad day than a nagging feeling every day.

And today I am baking a cake for my daughter's 8th birthday (she was 2 when I was diagnosed) so today is a very good day.

Wishing many good days for you all!

I want to be Shirley when I grow up too! Pure - I've been following you since you first appeared here. I know the fear, I think most of us do. Just this morning, the strangest thought appeared in my head:  God sets the buffet, we choose the food. (Figures my thought would be food-related ). I have dark thoughts and dark days. I have a soon-to-be five year old and I've watched my girl sleep and begged for the same thing Steph up there begs for. The thing is it's out of our control. We do the best we can. We hope and pray for the best possible. Then, hopefully, and maybe only on our best days, we choose the yummy morsels of life and keep moving. We're here today. That's all any of us has. I hear you. You're not alone.

Just another reminder Pure ( I know I have told you this before) Many Many Stage 3 errs are thriving.

My Stepmom - Hits year 18 this year

Her Sister - 26 years this year

Their Good Friend 11 years

As I have posted here before they all got together last year to celebrate my aunts 25 years and they are all doing fine. The one thing they all have in common chemo, exercise, spirituality.

Only one of them had Hormone suppression meds and they were all er positive.

It happens a lot but we get focused on the bad stories cuz they are so darn scary.But just wanted to remind you again that there are a whole lot of long term stage 3 survivors. 

And to add to all of this there is our new "normal".  I've been working a job that requires me to get up at 5:30 for 25 years (well next month it will be 25...).  Now I sometimes have nights where I struggle to get to sleep.  Every two weeks I'll have a night where I wake up and feel like a zombie if I don't stay in bed and get more sleep.  I've learned that if I ignore the sleep need I get depressed and start down the negative road.  So I've told my boss that I just have this occasional need to get extra sleep and I'm in bed until 9:00 am.  Ten to eleven hours of sleep time instead of the 7 I used to do.  If doing this keeps me positive then I'm willing to take the consequences at work. 

Whatever it takes to live life and enjoy it!

So sorry about your friend Pure.  Lots of wisdom on this thread, it seems we're all trying to find the answers but there is no right answer, you can do everything "right" or eat at McDonalds every day, it happens to some and not all no matter what you do, who you are, how old you are, or what your stage is.  I don't even know my stage, but I do know I am still me, I take care of my kids and prepare them for their future, I try to ease my husband's pain and discomfort, I love hard and am grateful for everything and will never become complacent about anything. I come here, because this is where I have found my strength, and people who understand me and what my fears are, so my life at home is easier because my husband doesn't have to face his fears...I'm inspired by the women on the stage IV boards, I welcome in the new ones who "only" have DCIS because their fear is just as great as anyones and it touches me.  I'm not worried about making albums or tape recordings for the things I might miss in the future, I worry about living today thoroughly and not leaving any bad memories.  We all make friends here, some don't make it and we cry, and some will outlive everyone's expectations, but there will always be a friend who understands completely for each of us no matter how long we're here.  We're all tied together by that fine pink thread, turns out it's tougher than steel.

Hi Ladies.

Just an oldster chiming in.

Anniversaries are hard especially in the early days.  Hearing of recurrences slaps us down too. It is all normal to have ups and downs.

Alot of us do " beat it" When  I would go to the " dark side' I took comfort that at a stage III they literally throw everything at  you for Tx . I 

( this is not necesarily true with lower stages)

As time passes you will feel more  in control of your life and less frightened. Keep in mind that more then ever we are living long lives.

I, too, am really struggling right now.  I start rads in a week and sometimes I get so blue.  I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who also had bc two years ago....she was between stage 1 and 11 they told her so she is confident that she will never get it again.  She was telling me about someone's mother who had stage 3 and died and started saying, 'of course she died she was stage 3'.  I feel so freaked out when people talk like that to me (I haven't talked to anyone about what my stage is) and of course, I have come to the discussion boards right now as I love hearing the survivor stories of stage 3ers.  I wish I could be more calm but I hope I can live the rest of my life without this hanging over my head.

I have battled cancer three times starting at age 15 with lymphoma and then breast cancer twice in 2001 and now, but this time not invasive ductal going through recon now. I try and stay positive because I am still here and don't want to leave behind my kids youngest being 6. I don't think there is any way not to worry but we also have to live.