March 2011 Rads

In dealing with all this I just keep remembering that it will take a year to be done all the treatments, then it will be six months to "recover" from everything. We need to give ourselves a break and not judge ourselves but what WAS, we just need to stay in the moment and know that we got through it.

This place has reminded me that I'm not insane. That I'm not alone in what I'm experiencing.

BIG HUGS to you GirlFriday.

Patti

{{{{{{{GirlFriday}}}}}}}} You are doing great. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone is right, you've earned the right to have some down time, if that's what you need. AND go ahead and have a brownie!! You've been a wonderful support here for all of us. Now it's our turn. If you ever want to get together, I would be more than happy to meet halfway somewhere in our lovely state. You'll get through this. It just takes time.

As far as your dog is concerned...I used to have one like that. He hated the leash with a passion. I'd have to kind of pretend to walk with him off leash and then sneak it on. If he was aware of me tugging, that was it. He froze and would. not. move. The two I have now are the opposite. When I get the leashes out, they become almost hysterical with excitement! That's what I love about dogs. They are full of joy, and so easily pleased.  

I'm waiting for my son (here visiting from Hawaii) to get ready to take the dogs for a walk with me. I'm not ready to have my poor LE arm tugged and yanked! We're having a house full of company this week--about 23 people! 

Love the concept of "Pay it forward" and it does feel good.  Sounded like you were describing the gal I talked with yesterday, msjag.  Hope she finds that kind of support at Moffitt because she's going to be really alone otherwise.  Volunteering at a cancer center, as one who'd been there done that, is a great idea!  I bet you'll benefit from it as much as those whose lives you touch.

GirlFriday-- you have very easily said what I struggle to put into words.  I fell apart tonight talking to my DH about my chemo brain that has now become Tamox brain. Sometimes I truly wonder if I have early onset of dementia. My memory loss is astounding, to the point where it truly frightens me. This Friday will be my 3 months for me on Tamox. I only hope it gets better. . .

As for support, these boards are a part of my life in a way that I can't describe. I have been searching locally for a support group--my hospital has one that meets once a month--just doesn't seem adequate. I check these boards quite regularly--mostly to know that I am not alone. And I'll be ok. Even if I don't feel like it today.. .

Anyways, thanks for saying so elegantly what I wish I had been able to say myself. I could not have gotten thru this last year without my cyber sisters. 

Msjag--my sister, who is TN, just celebrated her 3rd cancerversary. She is my inspiration!! We joke about our hair regrowth--hers used to be thick, wavy and curly. Mine flat and straight. Now she has real thin straight and I have a thick head of curly hair. I have no idea what to do with this curly mop!! Plus its come in totally grey--I have colored it for so long I had no idea what my original color was!!

And I agree, I would be in that line to buy GirlFriday's first book!! 

I'm with you on the curly hair. I'm even thinking the unthinkable. I want to cut it almost shaved. I did look younger without hair. I get to start fills again next week. I've really noticed drastic improvements in how I feel and my moods since starting Vit D3. Still have trouble going to sleep without something. All in all going pretty good. And I still get to work in my pj's and this week the kids are camp. Life is good!

I love the hair stories!  My mom was a beautician and she had a shop in our house.  Hair has been such a dominant part of my life, and it wasn't until the last 5 years that I started cutting and coloring mine. Two months ago I cut 10 inches off and colored it more brown, and I've been a blonde most of my life. I used to just let it grow and have the sun highlight it.  For many years it was down to my butt.  My hair is changing too...and not for the better.  I fear it's thinning and losing it's lustere, thank you tamoxifen.  I'm taking Biotin, and my nails are growing quickly and strong, I hope my hair bounces back.  I'm actually considering a pixie cut now though.  With the warm flashes and not being able to pull my hair into a pony tail, I'm going a bit crazy.  I never thought about how much hair defines our self image.  I think it's exciting that all of you have hair growing back differently than your "standard"...It's a positive change after the devastation of chemo.  Almost a testament to your trial.  Beauty beyond the pain.  There's been many moments when I've considered shaving my head in solidarity, but then I thought that might be insulting.  I didn't want to give a physical impression that my treatments were anything more than what they were.  I saw a woman I haven't seen for 2 years last weekend...she's extended family through marriage, and she wouldn't ask me about my cancer (although she did ask my beau).  She kept hinting at it, and I just didn't give any details, and finally she said..."Well, you look good, though"  It was abrupt and out of context of the convo, and I just smiled and chased after my bonus grandson.  I realize that people's ideas of who I am as a woman with cancer, and their expectation of how I'm doing are much different than my reality.  Although my vanity and my perspective has taken huge hits, I am fine.  My treatments are over, and the statisticians say I have this five year tunnel to work my way through before I work through the rest of my life.  I have to consider myself blessed that even though my cancer is 95+% Estrogen positive, I have a little pill to take to prevent a recurrence.  I have a ritual for taking the pill every morning.  It's become a integral part of my day.  So I've come to the conclusion that I won't cut my hair in solidarity, but one day I just might shave my head because that blessed white pill has pushed me to the brink beyond my vanity. 

OOh I had a pixie cut when I was in Kindergarten. I never understood why my mom cut my hair so short  when I was little.Guess it was easier for her!  If I could just get my post chemo hair to lay flat, I would call mine a pixie too!!

Oh I certainly have the pixie beach look too, with Tidal waves!! Girls in the office couldn't help talking about how curly my hair gets in the humidity!!!  We could have all surfed on my pixie  today!!!

Cmblastic, I too had a pixie when I was 5, was so mad at my mother for cutting my long hair!

I guess human nature is to comment on my hair, it is so different, but sometimes I actually go for most of the day not thinking about cancer,...until someone says "I cant believe how curly your hair is growing back".... Guess I will just be grateful that it's growing back.

We are all a bunch of pixies aren't we? Sandy i love your pixie look!!

Thank you, Claire. I love yours, too. It looks more like a hairstyle than mine does. But I'm not complaining. It's hair!

Thursday I'm going for my yearly mammo. And I have to say, I am very nervous. I mean, look what happened with last years'.   I'm trying not to think about it too much, but I am going to be a basket case until I get the results next week!!

wow marjie, I hope you can make it thru the day tomorrow with all the excitement you have going on!   

I just got my letter in the mail today that it's time to see my BS in Sept and get my mammo...wow, it will be a year in mid-Sep...how time flies when you are having fun.....ugh.

Went and had my first MUGA yesterday...% is down from 62 in Feb with an echo to 57% this time.  Need to keep those muscles strong!    Herceptin last week and feeling it in my legs this time....very achy.  I am now seeing the Lymphodema therapist 2x's a week now for a "rub down"...that's what it feels like!  Apparently my nerves in my chest took quite the beating during rads and under my arm from the SNB and rads....getting a little tired of my left hand falling asleep all the time, but amazingly i don't have any signs of Lymphodema.  Hope it stays that way!  Starting a yoga class at the Y tomorrow...looking forward to have some quiet time to myself.  Hope you are all doing well...I'm very thankful for you all!