March 2011 Rads

GirlFriday

I agree with the "attitude" adjustment!  I never heard my own clock ticking before this diagnosis.  I have to admit, I really don't like the sound of it.  Not that I'm anywhere near death's doorstep, it's just odd to face a challenge that could mean a possible end to my life.  To actually get an idea of how I could die.  It was definitely an eye opener for me.  Although I feel like I have more moments in life, where I am truly in the moment, the rest of the time I feel monstrously unsettled.  When I look back any fear I've ever had of failure, is so laughable compared to the fear that I might not even be able to try something and fail at it. And yet I'm somewhat flummoxed as to what to do with the rest of my life.  I've been unemployed for a year now...I've had some part time work through my self employment as a bookkeeper, but the idea of going back to an office and working in cubicleland makes me lightheaded.  I was actually offered a job, after 6 months of hard work in searching for a good job, on the same day I received my BC dx.  And since the dx, I've really only been "half assed" (as my US Marine Corp father would put it)  looking for another one.  I've always worked in high pressure office/finance/accounting settings, and now I can't even begin to wrap my brain around the energy it would take to go back to this environment.  I'm at about 80% of my energy level before BC became a large part of my life, but I honestly can't find a reason to put out any energy to do what I used to do.  So I've keep trying to use the diagnosis as a stepping stone to something more, something better.  So here I am, new attitude, new fears, new outlook, all poised to take a step, and I have no idea where to land!  There's a part of me that giggles at this static stimied imobilized pose I've been practicing. 

My birthday's on the 16th! I will be 38.   I know I should be looking forward to celebrating the end of one hell of a year, but frankly, I just want it to pass by quietly.  I don't want the scene of my "accomplishments" set by people who are not initiated.  As it often is with people who have not experienced BC, they blow the accomplishment into a magnitude that even I can't fathom (insert picture of MIL here)  It would feel more comforting to have a virtual birthday here than a party at home. I feel like any extravagance should be paid to the future that remains to be seen, rather than the past that feels forever looming.  I just traveled all over the eastern part of the US...11 states/9 days.  Saw my entire family, which is never a restful experience.  My mother, with whom I've never had a very strong relationship, had a manic episode,(first ever) and is now in a day program specialized in treating bi-polar disorder after menopause.  Now I've always thought my mother was crazy, and the last several years I've been asking for my sisters to get involved, but this formal diagnosis brings it all masterfully home.  So now I have to view my cancer crazy with the taint of a possible genetic influence of bi-polar disorder.  I don't want or need to celebrate my birthday with a bang.  I feel the need to walk softly because the other shoe may drop at any time!  On the other hand, a one way ticket to Hawaii seems mighty tempting!

Okay, this feels mighty good to get it all out! Thanks for the space to rant!

thegood5

GirlFriday....Marine dad, same here..."half assed" was used often in my house...along with a crazy mother.  She had 2 nervous breakdowns before I was even born, and then one after.  Probably one for each of my sister's and I...haha.  She is also an alcoholic and you can just tell by the tone of her voice if she is drunk or not.  My sister's and I always joke that we turned out fairly normal considering,  and that with all her drinking, how come I'M the one with the shitty liver?!?  Anyway, just want to let you know you are not the only one with skeletons in your closet and yes, this is such a great place to spend time with friends.  xo

GirlFriday

Speaking of crazy, I know we spoke of this before in terms of me dating Mike, but Mrs Livingston was one crazy woman.  I think I was actually scared of her at certain moments.  And it always seemed, that I ended up in the room alone with her!  I wish I had that kind of impact on my DIL who is a raving lunatic and should have the crap scared out of her! HA!  I think I did turn out fairly normal considering the ups and downs of my mother, and her recent cataclysmic mania.  My sisters turned out okay too, although I notice as we age there are broader chasms to breach in terms of really connecting with them.  I think the stress of our childhood made us fiercely independent. 

I think your liver has been severely stressed in the last year.  I think it will bounce back!  I would toast to it, but as alcohol won't help, I'll have a bit o chocolate soy milk!

thegood5

GF~you drink your soy milk, I'm having a pina colada tonight to celebrate rads being over! 

I never knew Mrs. Livingston....maybe there was some kind of weird crazy club the moms in my neighborhood went to while we were all at school....there were a lot of 'em!  As for my sister's and I, they are 6 & 8 yrs. older than me and are my very best friends.  I guess we had to stick together because relying on my parents didn't really do us any good! 

GirlFriday

thegood5:  A pina colada sounds much better!  My man is at camp, and it's just me and the dog, I guess it wouldn't be drinking alone since the dog is with me, right?  BTW I love your profile pic, I just wish it was full size so I could see your kidlings! 

I'm having blood drawn on Monday for genetics testing for PTen mutation.  I have no idea if it will be relevant, because I already have BC, and I don't meet any clinical guidelines for Cowden's Syndrome except for BC under 40, but WTH.  If my blood and tumors can go to helping figure anything out, I'm willing to donate them!

thegood5

hope this works GF...this was almost 3 yrs. ago.  They are now 13, 11 and 6.  Chloe, Sydney and Ella

GirlFriday

thegood5:  That is an awesome picture!  Great names too...Ella was always at the top of my names list, and I think I've named a Barbie Chloe or Sydney at least once in my childhood!  How's life with a teenager?  My experience as a step mom to teenagers is, the moment you look at them and think "Wow, they are so grown up, " they will regress into the behavior of the terrible twos!  Luckily my step kids have grown past that...and one is now a parent...and soon to have another one!  I missed having kids, but grandkids are a lot of fun!  You must have so much fun...their ages are well spaced!

GrandmaBubba

I've been reading but not writing. I've been very depressed and didn't want to bring anyone down. Yesterday I got some answers (hopefully) about my fatigue and depression. I have Vitamin D deficiency. Normal is 30 - 100 and mine is 7. It was such a relief because you know we all go immediately to the internet and research. Vitamin D deficiency causes fatigue and depression. It can cause kidney issues and all kinds of other things. I thought I was going to have to feel this way forever, because my psych and I were trying to balance the anti-depressant verses the Tamoxifen effectiveness. I don't know why he never thought to test for this unless he assumed all the other doctors had already covered that. I love my RO. She's the one that thought to test it even thought she didn't think it would be aproblem because she could see my tan lines and thought I got enough sun that it wouldn't be a problem. Just wanted to share in case anyone else is having the same problems.

gingerstx

Thegood5:  Beautiful family! 

GirlFriday:  Your age and talk of Barbies made me think of my daughter.   Hang in there!  God gave you some lemons and you've been doing a good job making that lemonade!   Don't let BC rule your life any more than it already has!    It sounds like your past has given you strengths you don't even realize you possess. 

GrandmaBubba:  So glad they were able to discover the root of your problem so it could be treated!  I'd read that we have to be watchful of our D3 levels and I've been taking extra units, just in case, but thought I'd have to wait for my July blood test to find out if I was doing ok.  It's good to know the signs of a deficiency.  Thanks for sharing that.  

libraylil

Grandma bubba before ny mo had me start arimidex he had my vit d level checked. It was low so I am taking a supplement. Maybe this is a SE of our chemo. Libraylil

cmbear

Thegood5--OMG what a great picture!! What a beautiful bunch of girls--they definitely get that from their mom!! Being a great mom and turning around a crappy childhood like you have is a great accomplishment. You should be proud! 

GirlFriday--you say it so much better than I could! I work retail and the last year has been just a struggle to go to work and "perform." Strength, health, attitude--just not there. Selling books just doesn't seem important in the whole scheme of what's important in my life. Or what I want to accomplish or what I want to contribute to the world. This Bc has made me reevaluate my life and my priorities--still very much a work in progress. Just started counseling hoping that will take me to a better place. I totally understand growing up in a dysfunctional family and how it changes your outlook on life. Some people overcome it, some follow the same path. I don't want to go down the same road as my father, but at 49, I look in the mirror and see my father's reflection. But I have learned in the last year, that life is too short and rarely goes the way you plan, so what I can control, I need to be better at controlling. 

Tonia--My GP, which I started seeing the month of my DX last year, tested my at the onset for Vit D. She is a firm believer that is inexplicably linked to cancer and your overall health. I was horribly low last June, and it has been a battle to keep it in control. I just saw her again on Thursday, and she upped me to 2000mg cause I am still running low.  Have you had your thyroid checked? Mine went into hypo mode two months into chemo. It seems to be very common with BC patients. Between VD and thryoid, chemo, rads are bodies are just one big excuse for being depressed and fatigued. Also had to have my synthroid boosted on Thursday, so my TSH is still out of whack. On the good news, my liver levels returned to normal. They were out of whack all year during chemo and rads. Finally, part of me is returning to normal!! I haven't drank hardly in the last year--mind you I do enjoy a glass of wine, or two or three!! That might explain my liver levels improving!!! 

gingerstx

Interestng comment heard on NPR this morning on my way to church, "We are our biology."   It gave me much food for thought.  Sorry, I didn't catch the name of the speaker.....

msjag

Girl Friday, you were right, weather in Sacco Maine, was wonderful!!!  Great beach day today...had a wonderful girls away weekend!!  Wish I could have continued it throughout the week!!!

I had my Vitiamin D level checked by my med oncologist during chemo treatments, I was within normal range, but on the low side, so I take a supplement.  ALot of reasearch showing vitimin D deficiency causing lots of health issues.  I belive I read that as we get older we absorb less from the sun, and suncreens can prevent people at younger ages from getting any sun...ya can't win!

Hope everyone is doing well!~

Angelice

hi ladies gorgeous photo thegood5

i also have a vitamin D and calcium i was low in both ..

sandymess

thegood5, your girls are beautiful and so are you. Love that photo!

I read a wonderful book called It's Not About The Hair by Debra Jarvis. I can't tell you how much this book helped me put things in perspective. I was really struggling with the worry and anxiety of having cancer and the possibility of it returning. Now I am focusing on the present and trying to appreciate each day...living in the moment and paying attention to my breathing. The breathing also helps me get to sleep way better at night. I just try to think of nothing else but breathing in, and breathing out. It might sound silly, but it really helps. Thought I'd pass it on. Maybe it could help someone else.

marjie

Thanks Sandymess....might be just what I need these days!  I feel like I have a lot of stress and anxiety lately even though I try not to!

thegood5

I often find myself not breathing....think this will come in handy for those very stressful moments.  Got a TON of stress relieved yesterday...found out after my PET yesterday that all cancer is totally gone...ALL cancer, including the tumor on my liver...yippee!! 

thanks for the compliment Sandymess!

marjie

thegood5 - THAT IS FANTASTIC!!!!  dammit there is just no emoticon happy enough!!!!

pumela115

Thegood5- WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!! GREAT NEWS!!!!!   SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!

gingerstx

The Good5:  Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious!  Couldn't be happier for you! 

marjie

Ok...finally TA DA!!!  Here it is....so much nicer than the rads tattoos lol.  It says "In the midway of this mortal life, I found me in a gloomy wood, Gone from the path direct"

GirlFriday

thegood5:  That is wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Time for a celebratory drink! 

Marjie: That is some tat!  Much better than the blue dots! I love the script, the artist did an excellent job!

Just so you gals, know, and I hope it doesn't offend anyone, but on Wednesday nights when I go to meditation, I put you all in the healing circle.  It's just quick mental flick, of your faces or your profile avatar...it helps me to put things in perspective, before I go down into meditation.  So Wednesday nights, if you feel a little tingle, that's from me!  My meditation group told me that I am different since my diagnosis, that I am more grounded.  Ha! I thought that was funny...but I guess it's just a reflection of the attitude adjustment we have all gone through. 

cmblastic:  I see my maternal grandmother's face when I look in the mirror.  She was not a kind woman, and probably was bi-polar as well.  When the image of her is too much, I notice the parts of my face that are similar to my paternal grandmother...one of the kindest women I have ever known.  I think it's important to recognize the other side of our genetics when we are faced with the misery the "bad" side.  And then it's also important to realize...we are NOT those people.  We may have behaviors that are similar because it's what we learned, but we can choose to do things differently.  Every day, every moment. We have the choice to be more (or less).  I'm slightly jealous you are working around books!  I'm sure the retail side of it is a bummer, but you are surrounded by magic in many ways.  The words of the dead and the living, their wisdom, their creativity, surround you.  Maybe you could volunteer in a local cancer society, and work with their libraries!  In summary, and as you probably already know...You can't judge a book by it's cover!  No matter how you may appear in the mirror, you are so much more than the sum of those features!

thegood5

GirlFriday~Thanks for thinking of me during your meditation...maybe you are part of the reason I had such a great PET!!  Blessed to know you!

I do truely feel blessed to have all of you in my life.  We share a bond that no one else can truely understand.  I love you all and am very thankful to have met you!  xoxo

thegood5

marjie~that is absolutly beautiful and I am so happy for you! 

sandymess

GirlFriday, thanks so much for putting me in the healing circle. I'm feeling the love and it is good.

marjie, LOVE the tattoo. Very meaningful. If I wasn't such a wimp, I'd get one too.

thegood5, I am so happy to hear about your PET scan. It's absolutely wonderful!! And you're right...it's great that we have found each other.

cmblastic and GirlFriday, I too see my paternal grandmother when I look in the mirror. I don't know if she had any mental health issues...probably...but I'll just put it bluntly, she was a mean, selfish bitch. I'm nothing like her. I strive to be kind, thoughtful and self-aware. Not that I don't slip sometimes, for sure, I do. But I know I'm not a bit like her. I, too, try to see the parts of my features that look like my mother and maternal grandmother. They weren't perfect but they are/were kind. Don't let it get you down. Concentrate on being the best YOU can be and forget about them!

thrmine

Ok Gals,

Sorry for being absent.  I was ENJOYING my new found free time post rads.  

Anyone out there, and sorry if I missed a million of these posts, tight, like really tight muscles in the  area of the rads?   My right shoulder and underarm and scar and whole quadrant get so very tight under the skin.   Partly from surgery, partly from rads.   I am getting PT and it does help, but what a bother.

Hope everyone is enjoying the start of summer?

Alice

msjag

Marjie,  your tattoo is amazing, and yes much better than rads tatts!!

GirlFriday, your inspirational writing always makes me smile.  THanks for thinking of all of us during meditation.  I still say, and I'm sure everyone will agree, that you need to write a book. You truely have a gift of lifting spirits with your posts.  (Feel lucky to have gone to OOB last weekend, my son and his girlfriend are up there this weekend...oh the rain!!!)

6 weeks out of rads (never thought I would be saying that!!) and I'm still feeling pretty well, still working f/t. still get the achy joints on and off, and achy leg/foot on the rad side.  Hopefully this will all go away as time passes. 

Hope everyone is doing well. 

Panmars

thrmine, I finished rads in Feb, after a lumpectomy, and I'm still pretty stiff. I try to stretch everyday, and that helps some. I pulled a muscle there a few weeks ago, and a rather large axillary cord formed that ran down to my elbow. It really freaked me out, but then it went away. I guess I need to start up my PT exercises again.

sandymess

Yikes, Panmars, that sounds really scary! Was it painful?

I am also stiff and sore after rads and surgery. I've been going to zumba and it is really sore the next day. I find that if I stretch my arm straight up in the air several times a day, it helps a lot. Learned that from PT. 

marjie

I have just started noticing some tightness on my rads side....especially when I am stretching or reaching. This is fairly new so I'm definitely going to make a point to keep everything moviing and flexible.