SELF SABATAGE!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!

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faithfulheart
faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

Hi Ladie's,

So my husband and I went to a wedding last night. Weddings get me emotional, more so now I guess.

Then again since the ooph, I cry at the drop of a pin!!  So we are having a great time, I wore these high heels, really high, bad move, up all night with the calf pain. I know that can be a side effect from tamox too. OR,  COULD IT BE ALL THE CHAMPAGNE I HAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

They just kept filling up my glass, and it tasted so good!!!  So I woke up this morning and here's what went through my aching head!!!  You are a big self sabatager!!! You just gave yourself cancer again!!!

I really feel that way!!  I work so hard at eating healthy, keeping my weight down, and then I do these really dumb things, that give us cancer!!!!  I know I have talked about my glass of red wine I like to have with dinner, you guys are probebly thinking, Should we have an intervention!! LOL

It's not like that, it's just that I can't figure out a balance in my life yet. Everything I do, like going to a wedding and having to much champagne, or that piece of candy, or cake, it makes me feel so guilty!!!!!  Not excersising enough!!!  I feel like I am failing at keeping a reacurrance at bay!!  Even though I have changed my life in so many ways, I feel like every thing I do that is not good for me, is going to bring the cancer back!!! I know I sound like a total nut job! Thats not far from the truth!! Really!!  Is there anyone who gets what I am trying to say, or do I just sound crazy!!!!!  I feel like I am not the poster child for bc, thats for sure!!  I have done alot of positive changes, and I do try to take really good care of my self, but if I want to go to a party, or stay out late with my husband with friends, its like I am doing something wrong. I feel so tired the next day, because my body has been racked by chemo and so on................. I want to know where and how to find that balance, between the old me and the new don't get cancer back me!!!!!  I really hate being here, writing this, I should just be living. I have been just feeling so alone today, and guilty for overdoing it last night!!! I know this is the safe place.

Sorry for going on, I think some of us are better then others at this bc thing, I hate the poker face,

I got alot of the , Oh you look so good, How are you feeling comments last night!!!

I think I just relized I am having a pitty party!!!!!!!!

Feeling guilty all the time is sooo not healthy I know. It's hard, I wish I drank asparagus all day,

but I just don't!!!!!!

Thanks for listening,

Luv to all my cyber sister's!!!

Stephanie

Comments

  • pip57
    pip57 Member Posts: 12,401
    edited July 2011

    Don't be so hard on yourself!  A girl has to party sometimes!Wink

    I figure that if I eat and exercise properly most of the time, I can get away with a little partying from time to time...without the guilt! 

  • jdootoo
    jdootoo Member Posts: 253
    edited July 2011

    Stephanie, you are very funny, I love the line about drinking asparagus! Smile

    I feel this way, too, and I constantly go back and forth between wanting to seize the day and being uber healthy. I think the best thing to do is find a good balance. The other night I went out to dinner with DH and we ate healthy, Indian food... then I drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine... see, balance!

    One love, Jackie

  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited July 2011

    i think there is a point where you have to live your life and not worry so much about what you are doing.  you know, if the cancer comes back; maybe it is because it just does.  there are so many people who have done the right things....and it still returns.  i think you need to find a balance but still live your life. 

    i had a friend who was a marathoner...ate better then anyone i know...did all the supplements...but she still died from "unknown primary"  there is a point where you must live your life....enjoy each day...and go from there. 

    treatment takes care of the initial diagnosis.  from that point on; cancer kinda has its way with us.  we can do whatever we can do to try to beat it...but there is a point where no matter what we do....it can still find its way back. but not for all of us.  who knows who will relapse. it is a crap shoot.  i say; live your life; have some fun...but keep in mind you are a cancer survivor.

    keep on *

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2011

    Ahhhhh Faithfulheart, u just caught me having a glass of red wine (have not had one in over two years, swear to God) plus a bowl of chips.....:((( and i was thinking to myself what the hell are u doing (caps), dummy.



    You know what ? It,s Sunday eve and i refuse to feel guilty after reading your post and i,ll compensate with a good bowl of veggy soup that,s brewing right now. There !!!



    Big hugzz

  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited July 2011

    There are millions of non-drinkers who get breast cancer.  There are thousands of marathon runners who get breast cancer.  There are women who completely overhaul their lives -exercise, eat healthy, never drink - who get a recurrance.  There are woman who live sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream and a burning cigarette who will never get cancer again.

    It's a CRAPSHOOT!  You are minimizing your risks and doing a damn fine job of it.  But, you have a life to live and some wine at a wedding is a part of life.  You did not give yourself cancer again because you overindulged once.  Next time, go to a wedding, and plan to have two glasses.  Plan it out, when you'll have them.  A glass with dinner, a glass at the toast, or whatever.  You will have your little treat and participate in the wedding, and not feel deprived, and you won't overdo it.  Your body isn't going to start making cancer again because of that little indulgence.

    A daily lifestyle of booze and partying is different than a glass of wine now and then.  You didn't do your treatment to not enjoy some of lifes little pleasures, did you?  

    Just do a little better next wedding - you don't need five glasses, but you should enjoy one or two.   

  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited July 2011

    It can be a slow adjustment. I know that at 60, I can't do the things I used to do at 20. Even by 30, those things were getting difficult. Getting our lives changed up suddenly by bc is harder. We can't always make the changes as quickly as the bc came.



    I don't think we got bc because we had a few late nights or overindulged at a wedding (the last wedding I went to was over three years ago), or ate some chocolate. Or ate some red meat, or any of the other things people say are unhealthy. I firmly believe that most bc is caused by genetic predisposition, and yet only two genes have been found to support that. If we knew which genes to watch for and what the environmental switches were, we'd be halfway towards winning the battle.



    But as it is, we have to live in this world with a lot of unknowns. We do the best we can, making changes for the better that fit in with our lifestyles, slowly at first, but soon, you'll see you've made a lot of good decisions. Less meat, more vegetables and fruit (hey, wine is made from grapes!), a little more exercise. It all goes into the Good account. And sometimes, just to keep life interesting, we have to make a withdrawal.

  • mscal02
    mscal02 Member Posts: 522
    edited July 2011

    faithfulheart: Live your life to the fullest. Enjoy quality time with your husband. Live one day at a time and stop worrying about if cancer is going to return. If you want to have a pity party after feelig that you over indulged go right ahead. The good news is, you have a chance to start all over being good. I often beat myself up when I have too much cake or pie.I soon get over it when I have a large plate of steamed chard or collards.

  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited July 2011

    Thanks  girls!!!!  I just Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Diana, it is a crap shoot, you are sooooo right!!!  Coolbreeze, I know, if doc's can't figure out why some healthy people get it,  as opposed to an extremly unhealthy person, how can we ! Oh how I am not living up to my name, I feel like a women with little faith right now. I know we have to live, Luan

    I hope you really did enjoy your red wine, it's good for your heart!!!!! I think stress is our worst enemy,

    I think we all got this deck of cards, now lets deal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Thats my pep talk to myself!!!!

    By the way the champagne was really yummy and expensive, the good kind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Peace and love to you all

    Thanks

    steph

  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited July 2011

    Us of all people are due to let our hair down and drink a lil' too much sometimes, if we want.  As long as it's not an every night thing I don't think a wedding or some special event every now and then will hurt us.  I've been right where you are though, I enjoying drinking a little with friends and acting like the old me because it seems that's when bc is not on my mind but then the guilt comes.  All we can do is try our best most of the time so, when those special moments come we can enjoy them without guilt.  Don't be so hard on yourself sweetie.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2011

    You go girl, love you too !!!



    Ps, just make sure you go to at least two weddings a year LoL

  • elmcity69
    elmcity69 Member Posts: 998
    edited July 2011

    oh steph! don't be so hard on yourself. you let loose and had fun - wild fun. you know what? you've earned it.

    champagne is sooo addictive and tempting - those fizzy bubbles floating out of slender flutes...ahh.

    if it makes you feel better, i drank waaay too much champage at my sister in laws wedding years ago ..and was sleeping on a couch in the ladies' lounge by appetizer time. everyone thought i was pregnant, which i wasn't...just the world's worst headache.

    so enjoy the good memory of last night - and as the other gals have said, one night of overdoing it doesn't break the bank. it's the overall picture.

    rest easy, girlfriend!

    xo

  • annettek
    annettek Member Posts: 1,640
    edited July 2011

    Steph go for it@!!

     I need to let myself have some fun-in fact, I bought a pint of dark chocolate hagen daz and am going to eat it while I am watching the Next Food Network Star?> hahaha at least that is not as bad when I make a plate of nachos and would watch biggest loser...

    we do have to live, I mean isn't that the whole point? I have to start following that advice more:)

  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited July 2011

    Oh my gosh Stephanie,

    I can TOTALLY relate to what you are talking about!  I kick myself just about every day about not getting back in to some serious exercise routine, not eating the right things etc, etc, even though I HAVE made some changes in my r  I keep thinking "I need to do so and so or the cancer is going to come back!"  But who really knows if it's going to come back or not, and if we deprive ourselves of EVERYTHING pleasurable, what kind of life has it been??????  I have had a major sweet tooth lately and I know everything they say about sugar, but damn it come on already!!!  I guess we just need to try to find the balance that we feel comfortable with.

    You enjoy that champagne from time to time---you deserve it!

    (((Hugs)))

    Sharon

  • anumacha
    anumacha Member Posts: 83
    edited July 2011

    Ok Steph...I try to eat well have done organics since 1970, very little red meat, dont drink, drugs or smoke...yep I had my mastectomy last yr. I eat well, but there are days food doesnt appeal to me...n I dont think I am going to cause any damage with the occassional big mac n a coke...I have friends that smoke eat what ever they want and they are ok...like the one gal said it is a crapshoot. We have to indulge once in awhile. I hate the gym, spa or whatever club they would like to call it; so I am doing commercial cleaning. I do my work and go home, less money than before but I pay my bills and take care of my goofy animals. Just get lots of fluids in to wash out the champagne...I use to tend bar and if you eat a light meal and take tylenol or ibuprofen with the meal plus drink at least 16 oz of something nonalcoholic you do not feel so bad in the morning.

    Did I ever drink? Yes it it was scotch, ouzo, bourbon, or tequila...I managed several bars part time but I did not like feeling out of control plus I had to do the accts.

    We deserve to have some fun!

  • beacon800
    beacon800 Member Posts: 922
    edited July 2011

    Yes!!!! I know!  I feel the same very often!  I work so hard to do all the "right things" and feel very deprived and that sucks.  I have a glass of pinot noir here with me right now.  I can tell you, that unless I had my bilateral mx (Dec 09) I would feel like I am killing myself by drinking the wine.  Sometimes I think it's killing me anyway.  On the other hand sometimes what can you do -  you want to have fun like everyone else.  So go ahead!!

    There are too many cases of people who did everything right and they got a cancer anyhow.  There are no guarantees.  May as well enjoy life right here, right now.  I really relate to your post.

  • PennyG
    PennyG Member Posts: 31
    edited July 2011

    I love all of you gals! I just logged in to see what's happening tonight and saw your thread, Stephanie, and thought to myself, "she is soooo me!". I have to agree with everyone. We should do our best to be healthy and cautious more days than not, but we do need to let loose and indulge sometimes. Balance = less stress. I'm just trying to listen to my body and do what makes me feel the most vibrant. I love the occasional glass or two of good bubbly, but I prefer eating asparagus to drinking it! :-)

  • cookiegal
    cookiegal Member Posts: 3,296
    edited July 2011

    Here's the thing...we wish that doing all the right things would prevent a recurrence...it would make it less scary. So we get very attached to certain ideas.

    The evidence of a link alcohol and BC is a bit shaky. But even the studies that show a connection are talking about people who drink every day for years. A few drinks, even a few too many, a couple times a year will not cause a recurrence.

    We all are working at developing better habits, but I think your brain wanted one night of fun.

    It's allowed! 

  • LMichele
    LMichele Member Posts: 165
    edited July 2011

    Hi Stephanie and all you ladies, I may have to add this thread to favorites! I struggle all the time too... I like my chardonnay at night! I love veggies and cooking at home and whole grain foods and I love to workout... Run spin swim... I got rid of the worst habit nearly 8 months ago (light smoking)(quit pre diagnosis)... I think I have a pretty darn healthy life relatively speaking, I want to relax but.... I totally totally relate to your post!

  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited July 2011

    faithfulheart, there was a question from one of the BCO conferences, looking for ways to "cleanse" after a day of indulging. The expert's answer included this "Don't define or limit your today's or tomorrow's success by slip-ups that may have happened yesterday."

    In other words, don't beat yourself up! Smile

    More about lowering your risk, in this section of the Breastcancer.org site.

    Sounds like you had a great time at the wedding!

    Judith and the mods

  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited July 2011

    Stephanie, LOL...Most people I know are not perfect at staying on the straight and narrow. I cant drink alcohol because of the pain meds I'm on but if I could, I might have a few at a wedding etc. I believe "everything in moderation". I may drink 2 Pepsis today but I dont do that everyday. My hubby and I have date night every wednesday and eat out of course. I order what I want to eat whether its healthy or not just once a week. That satisfies my cravings, makes me feel like I cheated but it didnt really hurt me. LOL. I have drank coffee since I was about 17 and my oncs are fine with that. They serve coffee and tea in the chemo room and cookies even LOL. I do many good things for myself too but I am a human and my mom was a cook/ baker so I appreciate good food. I get plenty of fresh air, I walk as much as I comfortably can and stay busy for someone who is stage 4 and has physical limits. So take it easy on yourself as the others said and indulge once in awhile just for fun. Hugs and luvs, Mazy

  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited July 2011

    I just wanted to say thanks to all my girls, and especially to our Moderators.

    This site is a life savor for me, I was really feeling bad today!  Reading all the non judgement posts here, everyones understanding, I can't tell you how grateful I am for all of you!!!!  Yes we all deserve to  live a little from time to time, or alot!!!!!!  I just drank tons of water, and ate lots of veggie's, a good night sleep, alls well!!!! Beside's our next wedding is august 5th!!! I have to detox till then!!!!! Thank you for the lowering your risk site, I will check it out!!

    WHY DO I WANT CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW????????????????

    BLESSINGS , HAVE A GREAT WEEK SISTER'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i HAD A FUN WEEKEND, I JUST NEEDED TO BE TOLD THAT!!!!!

    xoxoxoxo

    Steph

  • TooManyCocktails
    TooManyCocktails Member Posts: 182
    edited July 2011

    You made me think of this song by Tim Mcgraw.

    Live Like You're Dying

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xSGLZd9Vg4

    Just let me get some energy!  Ain't no telling what I might do!

  • mammalou
    mammalou Member Posts: 823
    edited July 2011

    Great thread girls, but now I'm feeling really guilty about that BIG bowl of buttered popcorn I ate while watching The Next Food Network Star.  It is sooooo hard to be good all the time. It was organic butter though!

  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited July 2011

    Mammalou, the only thing you should feel bad about is not adding in some milk duds!!!!

    Toomanycocktails, love that name! so cute, and I love that song too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    We may have created a monster here, it feels so good to admit what a daily struggle it is!!!!

    Yet as diana50 would say, keep on, your a rock star diana!!!!

    Steph

  • StaceyLynn
    StaceyLynn Member Posts: 84
    edited July 2011

    I know what you're saying. I had 2 mini cake doughnuts and washed them down with sparkling juice. Yesterday I had hubby chase down the neighborhood ice cream truck. It was so good that we went to Baskin Robbins later that night. I keep thinking to myself, "What are you doing?" This happened weeks after eating pretty healthfully and organically. I even get angry that I can't eat like everybody else. Hubby asked if I were upset that I can't or shouldn't eat "bad." I don't want the processed, high fructose, pesticide foods. So what am I doing?



    Just hang in there Stephanie. We will figure this out.

  • MaxineO
    MaxineO Member Posts: 555
    edited July 2011

    This is the second post I have read worrying about alcohol and staying healthy! It must be something we are all thinking about all the time.

    I will simply reinforce: don't beat yourself up, try to do better next time, don't forget to enjoy life....like coolbreeze said, the bc is such a crapshoot!

    It is funny, we are "supposed to" clean up our eating and drinking habits at a time when we could really, really use a drink!

  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited July 2011

    OK , I just have to say sherri, I  will never wear hills that high again,  I think it's a little bit of a mid life crisis.  I'm not 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I Maxine, I love your name, it was my moms, moms name ,I say it that way because she passed on very young,  so I never really new her. She was sooooo beautiful though!  Anyway I love what you said, "we are supposed to clean up our eating and drinking habits, at a time we could use it the most!!!!! Such true words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I guess thats where that warrior kicks in .Ohhhh whatever ,I feel like ice cream!!

    Love you all!!!! 

    good to hear from you sherri ,I hope your having a great summer!!!

    Steph

  • DiDel
    DiDel Member Posts: 1,329
    edited July 2011

    Steph what a great post! I love all the responses and thanks to the Mods for the information. I think we all have days like that and its ok every now and again...just not all the time. My friends don't understand why i am not out and about like I used to ..aside from the feeling that I shouldn't be doing this...I feel like A$$ the next day...allllll day.

    I say good for you for letting loose a little and enjoying yourself!! Hmmmm makes me want some champagne!

    Take care

    Diane

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