Husband feels inconvenienced by my cancer treatments

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  • Jen42
    Jen42 Member Posts: 246
    edited July 2011

    Ducky -- that is a crazy story ! Every part of it !  WOW !!

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  • sallybode
    sallybode Member Posts: 2
    edited July 2011
    Stress brings out nobility in people who have that inside of themselves. But to others, the "nobility" is brings out is Lording it over others. So when I talk of "nobility" to him, he sees himself as being great.That is not my definition.  People who are helped by therapy are those who know that they have caused the ones they love a lot of pain. But if you even get one to go to counseling who is sure you are the one to blame, this "salesman" of what a terrible wife you are, plays out. I've been there done that. I told the counsellor, "if you think this man is so great, then you go live with him". I think the best thing for you, is to gather a loving and willing support group around you and yes, it will bother you about your husband, you can't help that. Focus on the good because you can't make someone grow a human heart who doesn't have it in him.It isn't just men who are this way, when my mother was dying of cancer, my sister stayed away as she is also a good time Charlie. Mothers do not have the luxury of turning all of their responsibilities on others. So I cared for my mom and dad and she, who never had children, enjoyed her life. Life is a journey of laughter and tears and if you love, you will experience both. Those who do not care for their sick families are shallow. Eventually they will be alone, profoundly so.Don't let him define your days. Ignore him.  
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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited July 2011

    well said Sal

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  • duckyb1
    duckyb1 Member Posts: 13,369
    edited July 2011

    Jen.................it was crazy ...............I even laugh at it today..............imagine that was back in 1956 just months after we were married..........That was probably the last time I was waited on too..................haha...................He was a wonderful guy..............miss him so much.............gone too soon...............

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  • mommarch
    mommarch Member Posts: 584
    edited July 2011

    Peach,  I had mamosite rads from April 19th thru April 25th.  Contact the American Cancer Society and see if there is a Hope Lodge where you are going to have your treatment or some other inity which will put you up free of charge.  I have to trave 172 miles for my treatments and we are able to stay at the Hope House in Midland, TX   You will not feel up to driving yourself, as you will be fatigued from the rad.  It is a great to have the radiation treatment.  Wishing you the best.

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  • Cherylmarie
    Cherylmarie Member Posts: 27
    edited July 2011

    My husband was very similar to yours.  The only time he was with me for anything was when I had the sterotactic biopsy.  Other than that, I took myself to any appointment I had, including 7 weeks of daily radiation and a consultation with an oncologist.   We have been married for 37 years and I can honestly say I don't know him at all.  The only thing I can think of is either the love just isn't there or he was convinced that it wasn't cancer.....  the classic reaction from just about anyone who hasn't gone through it themselves.  I've found most people believe DCIS isn't really cancer.  

    I wish you well and be strong....for people like you and me , all we can do is take it one day at a time.  It's amaizing what we are capable of doing , isn't it?

    This has taken it's toll on me....I think about it every day and part of me wants to believe everything will work out fine...but only the good lord knows what it is in store for me.  

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  • SarahMeadow
    SarahMeadow Member Posts: 8
    edited July 2011

    peachy-pie, I feel for you. What a selfish ****! On the other hand, he obviously cannot handle what is going on with you. How much do you want to keep your marriage? Could you tolerate getting most of your emotional support from your friends and family and not the one who is supposed to be your lifelong friend and companion? In that case, you might be able to get to a more comfortable situation for yourself and for your husband. Then when he wonders "who is going to take care of things at home while I am away" you can calmly explain to him whatever arrangements you have made and what it is he will have to do without or do himself. Not that you do not have the right to be feel angry, hurt, dismayed, and betrayed. In my case, I decided from the beginning that I did not want to have my husband at my chemo sessions (he would have driven me and stayed with me). I honestly felt that I would prefer to zone out by reading a book, which is what I did. I tried not to lean on him too hard throughout my treatment. Now, after six surgeries, awful and ongoing treatment side effects, and numerous recurrence scares, I am glad that I took that approach. My husband is ready to have whatever kind of fun I can manage and my identify is not "sick wife." I've grown my hair back, I've lost weight, I feel attractive and he affirms that. Nobody's perfect. Some men are just emotionally incompetent. Some of those men are pretty good at fixing the car (or making sure it gets fixed), taking out the trash, being faithful, bringing home a paycheck. Take a good look at your man and decide whether you can give him a pass.

    Best wishes,

    Sarah

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