Husband feels inconvenienced by my cancer treatments
Comments
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I'm so sorry peachy-pie. I hope your friends and family can give you some extra support and love to make up for what your husband can't seem to give you right now. I hope he is just feeling stress and his unfortunate unsupportive reaction is temporary. Hugs to you.
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Sorry you are experiencing this - so dissapointing and hurtful. Does he understand that the C in DCIS is for carcinoma? Wish I could help other than to send you a hug.
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Peachy-Pie, I am sending extra special thoughts your way. I also hope this is your husband's way of showing his own stress and fear. You and/or he may need to get support from your pastor/priest/etc., or professional counseling. Men deal with this in different ways, and he may be frightened about what the future might look like without you, or this may just be an exacerbation of any marital problems that already exist. Only you and he can answer that. Regardless, you will find lots of support here from some very wonderful, caring, and STRONG women who have been there!
Linda
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How hurtful - when you need him most. It may be his way of dealing with the stress - denial and anger. Gather around you all the positive support from your family and friends. Take care of yourself right now. Don't hesitate to ask for their help. I expect they will jump at the chance to help you in anyway they can. You'll also find a lot of love and support here. My best to you.
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Wow, what a selfish reaction from your husband. I am so sorry. I, too, hope this is just a bad reaction to scary news...not a good way of dealing with it, and I hope he snaps out of it. I am glad you do have family and friends around.
My husband has been mainly supportive but there were a few times he would get grumpy because after my surgery he had to do "everything" around the house. Or he couldn't do "fun things with the guys" on the weekend cuz I needed him at home to help me. Boy would I let him have it -- I am an emotional person anyway -- but you should have seen me, Hurricane Jen, with tears and anger and some choice words along the lines of, "oh, so sorry to screw up your day because I have CANCER and I'm recovering from a double masectomy !" That shamed him into shaping up, believe me !
Overall he is a good guy, but still he's a GUY. Know what I mean? They are not usually natural caretakers like women are...and they can have selfish streaks...and sometimes they just plain do not know what to do...how to act...
Good luck with your husband and I'm sending hugs, too...
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Peachy-Pie while I don't condone your husbands behavior it can take a while before they realize how serious this shit is. You need to sit with him when you are not mad and he is relaxed and discuss how you feel. Many times us women don't communicate to our guys properly. We just expect them to be clairvoyant.
He just might be scared too and that's why his behavior is strange.
You need to let him know you are scared. Let him know you are concerned about how all the shit at home is going to get done. Let him know that if you don't do this you won't be around to ever do the shit at home! This is only a temporary situation. Even if it takes a year. 1 year to gain many (to do the shit at home
) is a sacrifice that must be made by everyone. Finally let him know you would absolutely be there if he, knock on wood, should ever get testicular cancer. (Something about men and having their scrotum or penis threatened gets their attention
) He will come around.
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I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I can't even imagine. I wish I had the right words to comfort you. Where are you located? Maybe some of us can help if we are nearby.......hugs!
I agree that men deal with this differently than us...men are such strange beasts. They are hard to figure out. Many of us have threatened to start the official "My Husband is an A-Hole" thread more than once during all of this....we all understand. I hope he comes to his senses. From the beginning I gave my DH a book I checked out from the breast center that was intended for spouses of a woman going through BC. He read it. I never did....I was just glad he did. I guess I didn't want to read it and know what the book suggested in case he didn't do it, I may be disappointed. I have been lucky as he has been very supportive. Maybe your DH would read a book on this?? Just an idea....
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Excellent idea, Maria! My hubby watched some documentaries and actually read some of the threads on here. It really helped him see it all from another perspective (and realize that I was not alone in my feelings, reactions, worries, fears).
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"My Husband is an A-Hole" thread -- Maria, that is hilarious ! I am laughing hysterically over here!
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Peachy-Pie, I to had issues with my Husband in the beginning... I truly thought I wanted to just die.... I was so sad all the time. Things have gotten better but know we are going through all the financial issues that follow cancer... Call the American cancer society they give free rides to your Dr. appointments no matter what kind of appointment it is. Call the toll free number 1-800-227-2345, I called them daily and someone would just talk to me counsel me etc... They are wonderful. I will pray for you and I am sending you big hugs...
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Peachie-pie, I am so glad you do have a team of people who are close to you and supportive and now you have all of us to be your cyber-sisters. Although I know you wish and have cause to expect that form of support from your husband, for whatever reason he is now an obstacle to your getting well, treatments, appts., etc all get in the way of normal life, these are not normal times you are going through. It is a life-altering event you must confront and he is being totally non-supportive even obstructionist, adding more stress to the situation. I think your statement that you can't stand to look at him is entirely normal given the situation. He is acting like a child who is not getting his needs met. With this disease you often find out who your true friends are and those that seem to drop off the face of the earth, unfortunately he is in the second category. Choose to lean on those you know are there for you and to make full use of this board, there are many threads for you to choose from to find those people who will help carry you on this journey, as evidenced by the number of replies you have already received. Take care of you, Karen
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I am so sorry Peachy-pie that along with everything else, you have to deal with hubby's issues as well. My BS gave me books to read, but also books for my DH to read. I think that helped him understand. He read that book cover to cover. I have read some wonderful comments that other husband's have written on this site...I think your husband could benefit! Worse case scenario, line up friends and family to help around the house, and you go stay at a ***** star hotel....and get pampered and treated as you should....take a girlfriend with you! I hope this all gets worked out, ASAP!!! Hugs, Suzanne
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There are some husbands who are very supportive and comforting and wonderful care-givers....I have even heard some women complaining that their husbands are overly protective, BUT they I feel are in the minority. My husband is not a bad guy, but he is totally oblivious as to what I am going through and part of this is my own fault in that I have always been very independant and like doing things for myself. It has only been lately that I am finding myself unable to do many things that I always did and even when he sees me struggling with something, he just sits there. I am still managing to work, but I am taking more and more days off and foutunately have a sub who is almost always available, but when I do work I can come dragging in and he will want to know what we are going to do for dinner! Granted I do love cooking and most evenings when he would suggest going out, I would say why not just eat at home, but now that I am feeling tired with this chemo, the last thing I want to do is rush in the door and start fixing dinner. I am happy with a box of popscicles these days so he can just fend for himself. When I would sometimes come home and start talking about treatment, like maybe how I had someone who was really good with veins or maybe my port was acting up, he will make this sheesh like sound sort of like sucking saliva thorough his teeth (know that sound I am trying to describe?) and go I hate hearing about things like that. Well, welcome to my world, buddy. I live with it every day. I have a good friend who just finished her reconstruction and she was telling me this AM how her husband was all bent out of shape because she had not taken care of a babysitter for something he wanted to do and she said they are going camping this weekend and he was asking her what kind of food she was going to fix and she just told him they were taking whatever was in the fridge. She is trying to make a little extra money cleaning for people and he was upset that she was expecting him to watch their son so on that issue she told him, Fine, I won't even try to do it anymore, I was just trying to bring a little extra in to help with the bills. That shut him up. And now he is throwing it up to her that they are stuck with their ins since she has the cancer on her record. Like that is something she asked for?!!? And then this other friend I know from treatment, she has really been through the mill.....constant chemo for the past two years, has lymphedema in both arms, has eyes that tear constantly, shuffles due to neuropathy and very seldom have I ever heard this woman complain and she was so upset the other day when her husband says to her, Is there ever going to be a day when you aren't going to some sort of doctor? What is with these men? If they found out the had cancer I am sure they would not be dealing with it nearly as well....they always say that is why women have the babies. I apologize to any of you men who may be reading this who are dealing with cancer and also the ones who really do fall under the category of DH....me I never use that D in describing mine....and if I do, you can bet it doesn't stand for darling. As someone else posted some men just don't know how to deal with things like this and he may actually be scared at the thought of losing you so he acting rough and tough.
Since you are rather new to this and still going through treatment, I would address this right now. Tell him you find his attitude hurtful and that cancer is not something you asked for, but you are trying to deal with it the best you can and if he looks at it as an inconvenience to him,maybe he just better stop and think about how much of an inconvenience it is to YOU. And while you are at it, tell him he can stock up on frozen meals and learn how to load the dishwasher or whatever and you go ahead and stay where you planned on staying if it makes the radiation treatments easier. Do you have a friend of anyone else who could pick you up after surgery?.... if so ask someone. Often people are eager to help, but don't want to intrude so don't make the offer. I am really sorry he is being so insensitive and even though most of us are far away, know that we at least understand where you are coming from and are here to support you in any way we can.
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I am so sorry you are having to deal with a cancer diagnosis and then not have your husband by your side supporting you through your treatments. Just wondering if maybe deep down inside he is afraid of losing you and that is why he's treating this like it's really no big deal? I agree with Lago that you both need to talk about how this is going to turn your lives upside down for the next year but it is something that has to be done for you to live. Wishing you the best.
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Peachy, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this on top of everything else. I am one of the lucky ones, I have a DH. I've been there for him through a quad bypass and over the last ten years the placement of 14 stents and his hospitalizations. He is now returning the favor. Having said that, he was an only child and selfish, insensitive behavior isn't completely unknown to him. Luckily for me it balances out for the most part. When I call my husband on a selfish behavior, he really doesn't get it. There is a look of confusion on his face before the defensiveness appears.
All in all I am satisified that I chose pretty good in the husband department, but yes I wish fewer of our men were not so weak and selfish when it comes to the "in sickness or in health" part of the deal.
A pox on the selfish bastards who don't get it.
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Marybe you crack me up… but we really need to teach you how to use the "enter" key
Peachy-Pie I have no idea if your husband is one of the good ones, one of the ones that has a few issues or one of the bad ones. I think once you have that discussion with him you will figure that out for sure.
I do have one of the great ones but I too at the beginning saw that he didn't fully understand how serious this was. I'm not sure I even understood how serious this was prior to surgery. My husband thought surgery, chemo, reconstruction (single procedure) then done, never have to worry about this again, cured. It was a slight shock and disappointment when I explained the entire journey to him and those "stats".
I really hope he snaps out of it.
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Maybe it has hit him, how serious the situation is, and he's reacting out of fear. What would he do if you were not around for longer than 5 days? Perhaps he is thinking that he would not be able to cope without you, if the worst would happen. At least, I'm hoping that this is the case, and he's not always a jerk. Does he really expect you to commute 4 hours a day, deal with treatment, and come home, cook, clean, laundry, etc.??? (Can you go on strike?)
At any rate, check yourself into the nicest hotel that you can afford for your radiation treatments, and pamper yourself big time! Room serverice, movies, a little vacation for yourself. You deserve it!
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Wow, I just have to add to this thread. My DH is one of the truly good ones, but lately he has been grumpy and slow to get moving. I think my illness is taking a toll on him. He is constantly doing for others, but blames himself that he is not doing enough. Also, I think possibly he is having some flashbacks to when his first wife had life-threatening illnesses that did finally take her life; and for all his caring behaviors, he couldn't save that one. Poor baby.
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Hang in there sister! You deserve to be taken care of . Wouldn't you do it for him without a blink? I am sure the answer is yes. Tell him how you feel! Sending kindness! xo
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Lago I know how to use it, but DH is wearing off on me and I am becoming lazy....I come home like this
and immediately change to this 
after walking in to dishes in the sink or dog poop on the floor (his dog, not mine). But see, PeachyPie, it does sound as if there are a lot of supportive husbands out there so maybe all you need to do is sit down with yours and tell him how you are feeling. But I would still stay in a motel when you go for the treatments....and order room service while you are at it.
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Well Chickadee I think I am one of the lucky ones, not to suffer from a DH like this. It's threads like this that make me just so glad to be single. These guys who can't cope without their mommy for five days, they truly are functioning as non-adult A-holes, should not be let to leave home. As for dipping out when you need them most... I'm fuming for you: Why is behaviour like this in any way acceptable?
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Hi peachy... sorry you are in this situaiton.. but I was wondering if this is your usual relationship with him when it comes to taking care of you? If it is you really can't expect him (well you can it's just not a real good posibility I'm afraid) to react any better than he usually does. If this is NOT his usual response or reaction then I might be tempted to think he is really scared (not an excuse just a reponse) and perhaps you especially but perhaps you and he togetter should add a therapist to your list of doctors and if he won't go you really should. You need someone to support you while you are going through this extreme situation and that is a therapists job - to hear your conerns and help you sort through your own feelings so you know your next step AND have a better chance of coming out of this in better shape emotionally. Either way, good luck and take care of yourself - if you've never done that before it's time to put your needs on top and pile of "whose going to keep care of things at home" Best, Deirdre
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Peachy,
I am so glad you have family and friends to help you out. Just push on ahead with what you need to do! Take very good care of yourself, you matter. Your husband may be afraid of what is happening. I had almost no family help, except from my brother, who took me to a few surgeries. He then told me to "just get over the cancer" and he did not mean it in a nice way. I, like you, am lucky to have some close friends who understand and care. You will make it through this no matter how your husband or anyone else feels about your cancer.
Agada
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oh I am sorry to hear that your husband is reacting that way. Mine reacted simliarly...after we looked at pics of reconstructed breasts at the PS he got angry at me and said it didn't matter what type of implants I got because he would never touch them again! WTH? I was hurt and confused but later it came out...he was so scared...he is so worried about me and surgery...maybe this is your husband reacting and not his true feelings?
Someone asked if this is his usual reaction or not and that is a very good point to differentiate. Please find a local support group--do you have a Gilda's Club nearby? We have been members for years since my husband's diagnosis of leukemia 10 years ago and they are really supportive. Or maybe the social worker at your treatment center will have some ideas.
No matter what you are not alone.
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I dumped my husband of 25 years, in the middle of my chemo, I was not going to put up with his attitude, it was similar, he drop me off at the hospital the day of the surgery, because he was an executive he had to attend a meeting that day.
My surgeon had to call him.
I felt that the stress was going to affect my survival. Now years after, I am glad I did, my children feel the same. I love being single, I can do what I want, no more corporate wife duties, I pamper myself.
The best decision I made, before my diagnosis he was very attentive, loving and caring.
But when I rocked his perfect world, he was cold.
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Thank you all for your words of support and advice. I had my surgery July 5th, and my DH was there for me the entire time, even held my hand while I was coming out of the anesthesia. After reading a lot of your responses, I really do now think that he was very worried about me, and also worried what he is going to do if something happened to me. He lost his grandmother to breast cancer, and he was very very close to her. So I am sure this plays a big part in his behavior, as he is not one to talk or show emotion. My surgery was now 4 days ago, and i've been home relaxing. He calls to check on me to make sure I am Ok. My 2 sons go to my parents house so I can get some rest. I am the one who usually does everything around here. So I guess the thought of having to pick up the slack while I am down was kind of tough too. But I did tell him, I didn't chose to have cancer, it chose me. and I told him I am sorry if he is angry at me for getting it, but there was nothing I could do about it and we're all going to have to learn to deal with it. Since then he's been pretty good abut things. I am now waiting for my pathology reports to come back and hoping that they are good. The doctor told my DH that he had to take out a little more tissue then expected and also took out 2 suspicious lymph nodes. So maybe him hearing that from the doctor made him realize I have cancer and not just the flu. My follow up visit is on the 14th. On that day the doctor is planning on putting in a mammosite catheter for my radiation treatments. That will depend on what the path report says. If I am still able to have that type of radiation, then he'll go ahead with it, and i'll start radiation on the 18th and be done on the 22nd & the catheter will be removed. I will have to travel to Camden NJ which is about 1.5 hrs away from my home. The treatments will be twice a day for 5 days and then I will be done. I might just stay at a hotel so it is closer for me. My husband is worried about that too, and wants me to drive back and forth. But I have to do what's best for me, so I told him we'd play it by ear. I am still very swollen and sore, but I hope this passes soon. Thank you all for being here to talk too, it is so nice to know that you're not alone. Thank you! Peachy-pie
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peachy-pie -- so glad to hear you got thru your surgery OK and that your husband stepped up to the challenge and is being more supportive ! You definitely did not need that extra stress ! Good luck with the pathology results...keep us posted !
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I'm sure what I am about to say will get a lot of negative comments..........you all know me by now.
I lost my husband 20 years ago, so I went thrugh this without a spouse to comfort me.............honestly I'm not sure how he would have handled it...................I'm thinking not well..........he was use to being doted on, and having things done for him..............don't misunderstand, when he got Pancreatic cancer, my world near ended.............I was by his side for 2 years and 9 months through it all.............He was a good patient, but I can say with all honestly.....................I'm not sure how he would have handled me being the one with the cancer..............My children, and grandchildren were by my side the whole time...............not all of them, some came and went, while others stayed with me throughout, and still are there for me...............I miss my husband dearly.................but would he have been the "good soldier" during my bout with BC................................guess I'll never know................
I juist can't go along with the idea that its ok for husbands to get "shitty" when you need them the most...............and you ladies are right...............would we be there for them, take it from someone who knows first hand.............YES, 100%..............I was.........................
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Ducky -- Oh, what difficult things for you to go thru...your husband's illness and subsequent death from pancreatic cancer...and then your own BC without spousal support. And, who knows how he would have acted, but probably would have given SOME kind of support in some way. But I think bottom line is women are just way better caregivers than men. We think of all the big and little things that make a difference when someone is hurting...men are sometimes kind of clueless. Which makes me think of a family story. My Mom was a newlywed, had just gotten her wisdom teeth out, had complications, was horribly sick from painkillers. My Dad wanders into the bedroom to check on her, eating Fritos. He leans over to say something to her, she gets one whiff of FRITO BREATH, and vomits everywhere. His intentions were good, but....it took her decades to be able to stand the smell of Fritos...
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Jen 42......................I am 76................my husband was 57 when he died.......this is a funny story about being a newlywed.......My husband was stationed in Yakima, W'ashington, and we went there for our honeymoon since he had to be back at Camp 2 weeks after the wedding.............after about 2 months I missed a period, and of course was pregnant.....I began to spot, so of course we thought it was a "miss", so he began waiting on me hand and foot.......................not being a cook, he decided he could open a can of soup which was what he did................I was sitting on the sofa, so instead of making me go into the kitchen he brought the soup into me.......................while pulling the coffee table closer to me so I could eat the soup from there............he leaned over, tilted the soup dish,...............spilled the scalding hot soup on me, and had to rush me to the ER, to be treated for a scalding burn................the story has a funny ending.....................while he ;was ;pampering me we found out the blood was coming from ;him, not me, and the Dr. said it was from ok, are you ready for this.
Killing his Prostate from too much sex.....................................he strained it...................
well at least I got babied for a little while................hahaha
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