March 2011 Rads

Thank you GirlFriday for putting all in perspective. You have a glorious way with words and somehow know how to say the right thing. And thank you for putting us in your meditation circle.

Marjie, the tat is remarkable!! You are so much braver than me! And it is truly beautiful! 

 Thegood5--I am so happy for you--isn't a great feeling to kick BC in the butt??  Way to go girl!!

Alice--don't be such a stranger!! My arm is stiff too, underarm,chest. To me its like the muscle has no memory--no matter how much I stretch it or exercise it one day, the next day its like starting all over again with the stiffness. Go figure. Panmars, I would have totally freaked if I had a cord like that, how long did it take for you to work it out?

Yesterday was my cancer-versary of my BC DX. Late last night I walked out into the surf and stood there and just cried. I wanted the water to just wash last year away and release me from all the stress, mental and physical I've been thru since last June. Every wave  that hit me seemed to take just a little more of the pain away.  My DH stood at the edge of the surf, and when I came in, he didn't quite get what I was up to, but he did  hug me and let me cry myself out. Needless to say, quite cathartic. 

Hope all of you have a wonderful week, don't let the summer heat melt you away!! 

Hey Claire,

Ditto on the muscles with no memory.  I do think it is a rads thing.   I had a bmx and on the non radiated side I do not have this stiffness.   Stretching does seem to help...seems like the whole area is going to be prone to problems.   I have funny creases in my underarm when my arm is down at my side, this arm goes to sleep easily.   Too bad the rest of me won't tonight. 

I had my one year dx anniversary the first week in May.   I am so glad you got to have a good cry.  So glad your dh was there for you too.   As it turns out for me,  we had one child confirmed that week and another have her First Communion and it was Mother's Day weekend.  I hosted a big party for the girls.  The happy distractions were really most welcome.  

I am not sure if it is good or not, but I am just forging ahead with life.   I'll blame it on my kiddos.   I am not comfortable becoming a pink ribbon spokesperson.   For now, the freedom from sooo many appointments is the thing I am basking in.  

Nice to be back on the thread here.  Nice to catch up with you here. 

God Bless,

Alice

Mine too! It's sore like I worked out too hard.  And seems to be fatigued too.  Also, my nipple is still like leather! It peeled, and then healed, but it's just not the same. 

cmblasitc: I'm so glad you had that time in the waves. There is something so therapeutic with the surf!  How wonderful that your husband didn't try to "fix" it for you.  His support and recognition of your need for space is a true gift.  I think that's probably one of the greatest challenges for our "others".

I'm on Tamoxifen.  It hasn't been bad so far.  I get warm flashes at night, but nothing too drastic.  I get them sometimes during the day too.  I've been on it for a month now. 

msjag:  Celebrate for sure!  I could use a beach day myself. I sat out in the sun today, just left the house a mess...I haven't done that in a long, long time.  I'm going to try to be outside doing nothing for 15 minutes everyday.  Although I enjoy my gardening, I don't think it counts for true relaxing. 

I would so trade all you ladies for the heat down here!!  My BMX//rads site doesn't do well in the heat--sometimes I just want to rip my shirt off and go topless!! OOhh that would be a fright!!

GrandmaBubba--so glad you are beginning to uncloud! I'm still trying to get the motivation to get up off my butt. Losing the chemo weight is a great motivation tho!!

why can't I post pictures?

Patti-- I would be sore too if I was doing that much yard work!! My yard looks pretty sad, but it's just too crazy hot to do much of anything outside. Do something this week to mark your cancerversary. You have survived!!! TX behind you!! Congrats!!!

I think my get up and go, has got up and gone somewhere outside of my reach.  I'm really struggling with energy and motivation.  I move every day, but I only do about 25% of what used to do.  I'm not sleeping well, up a minimum of 3 times a night with these warm flashes from Tamoxifen.  My brain feels numb or dull...like it just won't wake up.  I'm more than a little frustrated.  So, I took your advice Marjie, I have my to do list in the moring, and then after 1 I do what ever the hell I feel like doing.  Right now I'm getting a tan and crocheting whenever the sun cooperates.  I've got a niece and a new bonus gradson on the way...both due in July.  I'm still looking for work, but honestly, I can barely finish two loads of laundry efficiently how the hell am I going to manage an offfice again?  Thank goddess for my book keeping part time work.  Most of it's in trade, so at least I can keep my car up and running because Blubaru is getting older, and she's tired like me.  I have been successful at writing my lists AND remembering to take them with me.  If I have to go out and run errands I sit and mentally prepare, go through the route several times in my head with my list in front of me, because if I don't I will only do one or two things on the list, and just drive back home.  I think I have dealt with the shock and fear of my BC dx very well, but now my strong resolve seems to be crumbling.  I just read that Tamoxifen can make you emotional, so I'm going to try to ride this out like I would PMS, and just hope that it fades.  I feel awkward and chubby, and physically weak, and I've been athletic all of my life.  I've tried to walk the dog, and he walks about .25 mile and then locks up...won't go forward will only go back home.  At first I laughed, and kept trying to get him moving home, and then turn quickly and head out the drive.  But he just locked up again...narrowed his eyes, but his ears down, and refused to look at me.  So I walked him back to the house and sat down and cried.  Probably for the best.  He's 115lbs and my rads pec is just sore and crunchy. It doesn't do well with lifting or pulling anymore.  Which is somewhat amusing because I found my BC because I was sick of how lame my bench presses were, so I upped the weights aggressively trying to bench 100lbs.  If I hadn't been determined to be stronger, I would have never have rubbed my pecs, and I would never have found the lump.  I guess everything has a funny way of working out.  That's my rant for the week.  I'm going to go work on laundry and locate my most recent lists, and try to avoid eating the brownies I made last night for the kids.

I'm for the brownie. If there is one thing that I have done is treat myself to feeling good. How ever that feel good occurs (except if it is criminal!)

 MY MD told me this will go on for 6 months. So my mind set is...I can do anything for 6 months. So I'm challenging it. I'm going to come out of this better than I went it.

Reading lots of Wayne Dyer right now. It helps.

Patti

GirlFriday, you are doing the best you can right now. We are here for you, as you were for all of us during radiation.  It hurts my heart to hear you in such pain, physically and mentally.  You are an inspiration to all of us, and sometimes even inspirations need a break, and time to heal.  You will know when you are ready to tacle the outside job market.  Give yourself a break.   It has really helped me to keep working full time, but I have such high energy all the time that my fatigue helps me to sleep!  Everyone is different.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  I plan on going back to maine in a couple of weeks, saco or OOB area, if it works for you, maybe we can meet for an afternoon. Please take care of your self as you have helped to take care of all of us with your wonderful writings, and great lists of helpful radiation items, procedures.   ((((((((GirlFriday)))))))))))) many hugs for you.