How Long Does It Take...?

.....to get used to a BMX flat chest? And oh, can I also please have some cheese with my whine?

I feel like I'm condemned to wearing only black T-shirts and dark colored tops for what's left of the rest of my life...  :::::sigh:::::

I'm 3 weeks out from a BMX with no recon. Honestly, I was never REALLY able to decide if I even WANTED to reconstruct. OK, well, I DID want to, sort of, or, should I say, I liked the idea of having breasts better than not having breasts. I had been encouraged seeing in pictures how nice some recons looked and I got far enough with "research" as to figure out which kind I'd want, if only I could make up my mind to have it: either immediate pedicle TRAM or immediate lat flap depending on how discussions went with my oncologist and a plastic surgeon. But just as much as I wanted my Cs back, I had trouble deciding because I just as emphatically did NOT want additional surgery, protracted recovery/disabled downtime, and the complication possibilities which quite frankly scared the hell out of me. 

Delayed reconstruction didn't and still doesn't appeal to me at all because I know I would never be able to physically recover from the BMX and then go under the knife again for complicated procedures and additional pain for something non-medical.  I mean hell, if I'm already on the operating table for a medically necessary BMX, then yeah, rebuild me while I'm already there, and if all goes well I'll just take a bit longer to recover than from BMX no recon.

Call me a sissy and you'd be right, but I'm all into that "avoid all unnecessary pain" thing, KWIM?  So I decided to let the doctors help me decide -- I'd ask them questions based on a combination of my reconstruction research, my medical status/how knowing that, they could estimate how my body would react, and maybe their advice would sway me into a firm decision one way or the other. I had an appointment with my oncologist, and then one with a plastic surgeon. The oncologist was first. She had never suggested reconstruction to me, though now that I was mentioning it, she was willing to discuss it. However, she said immediate reconstruction of any kind would be a terrible idea for me medically, and even delayed if it would ever interest me still only got a yellow light: "We'll see, depends how you do with this surgery and maybe radiation." Can't say I was really surprised though, I do have IBC with skin involvement. I even had to have skin mets removed while having my BMX.

Soooo.....the cancer decided it for me: No reconstruction.  Well like I said, I had also considered the idea of no recon too because I'm such a sissy about pain. No recon =  faster recovery, less surgery, less pain and lack of recon-related complications, and additionally, I can't exactly say I hate the idea of not having to wear bras or have mammos ever again. I really am mostly a "wash and wear" type; I only occasionally and minimally fuss with appearance issues; I don't wear makeup (I can't be bothered), can't wear jewelry anymore since the only ones I like besides rings have tiny clasps I can't manipulate and my pierced earlobes closed up, and the only things I do with my hair are wash, condition, air dry and comb/brush. Even when it was long: I wore it long and loose. Well all I NEEDED to 'feel like a woman' was my long hair and (medium sized) breasts. Now I have neither, but that's another matter. Back to the chest thing specifically: Sometimes I do like to wear clothes that aren't sexless T-shirts and jeans, at least during the summer. 

Well you know, I do  I realize how given both my medical reality and preference for wash-and-wear easy grooming low maintenance with only minimal concerns about clothes: flat is really CONVENIENT. The problem is, though, I don't think it looks good on me at ALL! Actually, I think it looks TERRIBLE -- totally unfeminine! I feel like if I wear black or dark colored T-shirts my chest is sufficiently "hidden," not as obvious, so if I stick with black and dark, I can manage to go out and about doing my normal business and only occasionally feeling self conscious about having no breasts. But my lighter colored pretty summer stuff, which I used to love to wear, IMO looks horrible on my new flat chested body. There's no bust darts on any of my clothes (I didn't like bust darts even when I HAD a bust), but even so, my pretty summer clothes just plain old don't look right on me anymore. With each outfit I try on (I've been through half of it so far), I  look empty and deficient in the chest region, and/or, depending on the outfit, I feel like I look like a man in a woman's clothing. 

Even worse, by the time March-April hit I'd finally lost all the weight I'd set out to lose so I was expecting to look GREAT in my summer clothes which I didn't wear at all last summer because I was too fat! Also, being slim now (5'5, 120 pounds --  this time last year I was one week into the diet I started because I weighed 155! :-O), I supposedly should be able to "carry" flat chested not only way better than I would have if I still had the ginormous Midsection from Hell, but when I started trying those clothes on, I actually pulled them out of the closet thinking maybe the flat chest might not be so bad, that it might even accentuate my new slimness (which I LOVE), giving me a "sleek and slinky" type of way to feel sexy....but as it happened, I looked awful in all the ones I've tried on so far, for FOR NO OTHER REASON than the flat chest.  :-{

And I'm kind of stuck with it now too -- prostheses would be a real pain in the butt for me (yeah just watch me try to get breast pads or forms into a bra pocket when I have only the barest rudimentary amount of motor coordination in my left hand), plus, I've already gone out and about doing regular activities (albeit only in black or dark colored tops since they hide my chest) so by now, I'd feel just as stupid going out with a stuffed bra as I feel embarrassed by how my flat chest looks, and now my Pack Rat actually said to me on the phone last night when I told him "I'll probably have to give all my "nice" clothes to Goodwill because they look bad on me, they don't work at ALL with a totally flat chest, "Sure you could stuff a bra if you want, it's up to you, but you're fine the way you are and I really hope you can just get used to your body the way it is now, for real." 

So then....can anyone tell me: how long does it actually TAKE to get used to a flat chest?  Will I EVER be able to like my body this way?  And also, what gives here -- my man obviously loves me anyway and he made it quite obvious that he still finds me sexually attractive by "restarting the fire" -- so what in the hell is wrong with me here that I feel embarrassed by the very same body my Pack Rat is apparently still happy to keep jumping my bones?!

....or should I be saving this tirade for my psychotherapist...?

:-{     :::::sigh:::::