March 2011 Rads

I agree with the "attitude" adjustment!  I never heard my own clock ticking before this diagnosis.  I have to admit, I really don't like the sound of it.  Not that I'm anywhere near death's doorstep, it's just odd to face a challenge that could mean a possible end to my life.  To actually get an idea of how I could die.  It was definitely an eye opener for me.  Although I feel like I have more moments in life, where I am truly in the moment, the rest of the time I feel monstrously unsettled.  When I look back any fear I've ever had of failure, is so laughable compared to the fear that I might not even be able to try something and fail at it. And yet I'm somewhat flummoxed as to what to do with the rest of my life.  I've been unemployed for a year now...I've had some part time work through my self employment as a bookkeeper, but the idea of going back to an office and working in cubicleland makes me lightheaded.  I was actually offered a job, after 6 months of hard work in searching for a good job, on the same day I received my BC dx.  And since the dx, I've really only been "half assed" (as my US Marine Corp father would put it)  looking for another one.  I've always worked in high pressure office/finance/accounting settings, and now I can't even begin to wrap my brain around the energy it would take to go back to this environment.  I'm at about 80% of my energy level before BC became a large part of my life, but I honestly can't find a reason to put out any energy to do what I used to do.  So I've keep trying to use the diagnosis as a stepping stone to something more, something better.  So here I am, new attitude, new fears, new outlook, all poised to take a step, and I have no idea where to land!  There's a part of me that giggles at this static stimied imobilized pose I've been practicing. 

My birthday's on the 16th! I will be 38.   I know I should be looking forward to celebrating the end of one hell of a year, but frankly, I just want it to pass by quietly.  I don't want the scene of my "accomplishments" set by people who are not initiated.  As it often is with people who have not experienced BC, they blow the accomplishment into a magnitude that even I can't fathom (insert picture of MIL here)  It would feel more comforting to have a virtual birthday here than a party at home. I feel like any extravagance should be paid to the future that remains to be seen, rather than the past that feels forever looming.  I just traveled all over the eastern part of the US...11 states/9 days.  Saw my entire family, which is never a restful experience.  My mother, with whom I've never had a very strong relationship, had a manic episode,(first ever) and is now in a day program specialized in treating bi-polar disorder after menopause.  Now I've always thought my mother was crazy, and the last several years I've been asking for my sisters to get involved, but this formal diagnosis brings it all masterfully home.  So now I have to view my cancer crazy with the taint of a possible genetic influence of bi-polar disorder.  I don't want or need to celebrate my birthday with a bang.  I feel the need to walk softly because the other shoe may drop at any time!  On the other hand, a one way ticket to Hawaii seems mighty tempting!

Okay, this feels mighty good to get it all out! Thanks for the space to rant!

Speaking of crazy, I know we spoke of this before in terms of me dating Mike, but Mrs Livingston was one crazy woman.  I think I was actually scared of her at certain moments.  And it always seemed, that I ended up in the room alone with her!  I wish I had that kind of impact on my DIL who is a raving lunatic and should have the crap scared out of her! HA!  I think I did turn out fairly normal considering the ups and downs of my mother, and her recent cataclysmic mania.  My sisters turned out okay too, although I notice as we age there are broader chasms to breach in terms of really connecting with them.  I think the stress of our childhood made us fiercely independent. 

I think your liver has been severely stressed in the last year.  I think it will bounce back!  I would toast to it, but as alcohol won't help, I'll have a bit o chocolate soy milk!

thegood5:  A pina colada sounds much better!  My man is at camp, and it's just me and the dog, I guess it wouldn't be drinking alone since the dog is with me, right?  BTW I love your profile pic, I just wish it was full size so I could see your kidlings! 

I'm having blood drawn on Monday for genetics testing for PTen mutation.  I have no idea if it will be relevant, because I already have BC, and I don't meet any clinical guidelines for Cowden's Syndrome except for BC under 40, but WTH.  If my blood and tumors can go to helping figure anything out, I'm willing to donate them!

thegood5:  That is an awesome picture!  Great names too...Ella was always at the top of my names list, and I think I've named a Barbie Chloe or Sydney at least once in my childhood!  How's life with a teenager?  My experience as a step mom to teenagers is, the moment you look at them and think "Wow, they are so grown up, " they will regress into the behavior of the terrible twos!  Luckily my step kids have grown past that...and one is now a parent...and soon to have another one!  I missed having kids, but grandkids are a lot of fun!  You must have so much fun...their ages are well spaced!

Thegood5:  Beautiful family! 

GirlFriday:  Your age and talk of Barbies made me think of my daughter.   Hang in there!  God gave you some lemons and you've been doing a good job making that lemonade!   Don't let BC rule your life any more than it already has!    It sounds like your past has given you strengths you don't even realize you possess. 

GrandmaBubba:  So glad they were able to discover the root of your problem so it could be treated!  I'd read that we have to be watchful of our D3 levels and I've been taking extra units, just in case, but thought I'd have to wait for my July blood test to find out if I was doing ok.  It's good to know the signs of a deficiency.  Thanks for sharing that.  

Thegood5--OMG what a great picture!! What a beautiful bunch of girls--they definitely get that from their mom!! Being a great mom and turning around a crappy childhood like you have is a great accomplishment. You should be proud! 

GirlFriday--you say it so much better than I could! I work retail and the last year has been just a struggle to go to work and "perform." Strength, health, attitude--just not there. Selling books just doesn't seem important in the whole scheme of what's important in my life. Or what I want to accomplish or what I want to contribute to the world. This Bc has made me reevaluate my life and my priorities--still very much a work in progress. Just started counseling hoping that will take me to a better place. I totally understand growing up in a dysfunctional family and how it changes your outlook on life. Some people overcome it, some follow the same path. I don't want to go down the same road as my father, but at 49, I look in the mirror and see my father's reflection. But I have learned in the last year, that life is too short and rarely goes the way you plan, so what I can control, I need to be better at controlling. 

Tonia--My GP, which I started seeing the month of my DX last year, tested my at the onset for Vit D. She is a firm believer that is inexplicably linked to cancer and your overall health. I was horribly low last June, and it has been a battle to keep it in control. I just saw her again on Thursday, and she upped me to 2000mg cause I am still running low.  Have you had your thyroid checked? Mine went into hypo mode two months into chemo. It seems to be very common with BC patients. Between VD and thryoid, chemo, rads are bodies are just one big excuse for being depressed and fatigued. Also had to have my synthroid boosted on Thursday, so my TSH is still out of whack. On the good news, my liver levels returned to normal. They were out of whack all year during chemo and rads. Finally, part of me is returning to normal!! I haven't drank hardly in the last year--mind you I do enjoy a glass of wine, or two or three!! That might explain my liver levels improving!!! 

Girl Friday, you were right, weather in Sacco Maine, was wonderful!!!  Great beach day today...had a wonderful girls away weekend!!  Wish I could have continued it throughout the week!!!

I had my Vitiamin D level checked by my med oncologist during chemo treatments, I was within normal range, but on the low side, so I take a supplement.  ALot of reasearch showing vitimin D deficiency causing lots of health issues.  I belive I read that as we get older we absorb less from the sun, and suncreens can prevent people at younger ages from getting any sun...ya can't win!

Hope everyone is doing well!~

thegood5, your girls are beautiful and so are you. Love that photo!

I read a wonderful book called It's Not About The Hair by Debra Jarvis. I can't tell you how much this book helped me put things in perspective. I was really struggling with the worry and anxiety of having cancer and the possibility of it returning. Now I am focusing on the present and trying to appreciate each day...living in the moment and paying attention to my breathing. The breathing also helps me get to sleep way better at night. I just try to think of nothing else but breathing in, and breathing out. It might sound silly, but it really helps. Thought I'd pass it on. Maybe it could help someone else.

I often find myself not breathing....think this will come in handy for those very stressful moments.  Got a TON of stress relieved yesterday...found out after my PET yesterday that all cancer is totally gone...ALL cancer, including the tumor on my liver...yippee!! 

thanks for the compliment Sandymess!

Thegood5- WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!! GREAT NEWS!!!!!   SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!

GirlFriday~Thanks for thinking of me during your meditation...maybe you are part of the reason I had such a great PET!!  Blessed to know you!

I do truely feel blessed to have all of you in my life.  We share a bond that no one else can truely understand.  I love you all and am very thankful to have met you!  xoxo

GirlFriday, thanks so much for putting me in the healing circle. I'm feeling the love and it is good.

marjie, LOVE the tattoo. Very meaningful. If I wasn't such a wimp, I'd get one too.

thegood5, I am so happy to hear about your PET scan. It's absolutely wonderful!! And you're right...it's great that we have found each other.

cmblastic and GirlFriday, I too see my paternal grandmother when I look in the mirror. I don't know if she had any mental health issues...probably...but I'll just put it bluntly, she was a mean, selfish bitch. I'm nothing like her. I strive to be kind, thoughtful and self-aware. Not that I don't slip sometimes, for sure, I do. But I know I'm not a bit like her. I, too, try to see the parts of my features that look like my mother and maternal grandmother. They weren't perfect but they are/were kind. Don't let it get you down. Concentrate on being the best YOU can be and forget about them!

Marjie,  your tattoo is amazing, and yes much better than rads tatts!!

GirlFriday, your inspirational writing always makes me smile.  THanks for thinking of all of us during meditation.  I still say, and I'm sure everyone will agree, that you need to write a book. You truely have a gift of lifting spirits with your posts.  (Feel lucky to have gone to OOB last weekend, my son and his girlfriend are up there this weekend...oh the rain!!!)

6 weeks out of rads (never thought I would be saying that!!) and I'm still feeling pretty well, still working f/t. still get the achy joints on and off, and achy leg/foot on the rad side.  Hopefully this will all go away as time passes. 

Hope everyone is doing well. 

Yikes, Panmars, that sounds really scary! Was it painful?

I am also stiff and sore after rads and surgery. I've been going to zumba and it is really sore the next day. I find that if I stretch my arm straight up in the air several times a day, it helps a lot. Learned that from PT.