No reconstruction- Happy w/your decision?

hi i just found this site it seems like a great resource. I had a bilateral mastectomy in 2003 with expanders and silicone implants. i never really liked the look of the implants and they are so hard that I cant even hug my hubby . Recently I found out that the implants are "bleeding" silicone. I have decided to have both removed in June and no replacements. I was wondering how I can prepare myself for this major change. I had a really rough time adjusting after my mastectomy and i had expanders in then!!! Many family members (except hubby and my adult kids) are trying to convince me to have my implants replaced but i dont want to have any more surgeries. What can I do in the meantime to help myself prepare. I am a swimmer and i worry how am i going to swim and what will i wear while swimming and how to change in the dressing room without lots fuss. I am also interested in what you think i might buy ahead of time to be ready for being flat. I didnt think i was vain before all this but realize that i do care about how i look -I am grateful to be alive and have hair again. now if i can just accept whats to come i will be calmer! thanks in advance.

Shippy,

Check out Wardrobe pics for boobless days on this board, and also BreastFree.org (like above under Barbara/Erica's signature).  The pictures speak for themselves, and Barbara has created a site with more info in one pace for people facing these issues (Rianne also).  You'll be amazed at all the stories and info there!  And best of luck.  It takes quite a while for some of us to figure out how to cope with all this.  I had a bilat in 2006, and I still waver between my tiny (size 2) microbead forms and just going flat, but BreastFree.org has been a lifeline for many of us.

Dawn 

I am going to have a rb mastectomy soon and have been debating over the implant issue for weeks now.  After reading this thread, I am sure that I will NOT have the implant.  Thank you, all of you, for your honesty about this.  I have been seeking some sort of guidance with the decision and have found it here.  You are a Godsend to me.  I am who I am with or without my rb.  I am now reasonably sure that I will find a suitable prosthesis to match my lb 36C for those times that I want to look symmetrical to the outside world.  Inside my home, everyday, my loving husband will continue to love me, onesided and all. 

Shippy, I hope everything goes or has gone well for you with the removal of your implants. I can relate to your concern about your appearance. For me, the recon was like a safety net, and having my implants removed felt like I was revisiting the mastectomy. My surgeon warned me I might go through an emotional period and to let myself have that time to mourn. It's normal to want to look as good as possible and to worry about the unknown.



Boobsinabox, I am now six weeks post deconstruction surgery and getting used to my new look. With my lymphedema, it's doubtful I'll be able to wear a bra, since I couldn't with my implants. The side bands pressed on the wrong areas under my arm or around back, even the highest cut ones. Maybe without the implants I'll have more options - they made me wider than I had been prior to BC and even clothing no longer fit me well. Now my body feels more like it did pre-BC and clothes fit me better being flat than with implants! That makes me really happy. I've decided that if by some chance I am able to wear a bra, I'm going to go with a small prosthetic, just something to fill out any concave areas and smooth out the lumps. So, my plan is to go form-free the majority of the time, with the option to wear the same clothes with a prosthetic. I still have five more months to go to see how the stretched muscle and skin will shrink and retract. I have already noticed small changes.



So, I've started shopping for clothes and trying on a variety of things, even stuff I'd never consider before. I've had some success and I'm feeling pretty good. The other day I finally went through all the dresses and tops in my closet and tried everything on. I ended up being able to keep about four dresses, two of which I had purchased for a wedding I attended not long after my BM. All the dresses with darts looked awful, just as you said. I have a collection of dresses, some of which are vintage and have been with me for quite a while. Fortunately, my favorite vintage dress miraculously still looks great - hadn't been able to wear with implants, so a nice bonus - but everything else has to go. I had a mini-meltdown at the point when I recognized this, as these things are associated with great memories and my sense of body image pre BC. So, I just had that moment and then pulled myself together and promised myself I would find new clothes that I will feel good wearing now.


It's definitely a time of adjustment, but I think I'm handling things well and feeling positive the majority of the time. Being released from the intense pain that I lived with for over two years is such a relief, it's hard to be too upset or focused on the appearance of my chest. It has brought me full circle to the time after my BM when I was grateful to be cancer free and healthy, and that is a good place to be.

Barbara, you are so right, and I'm not writing off the forms/compression bras. Just keeping myself from being too hopeful so I'm not disappointed! Binney's and the other gals' reviews of compression garments have been a lifesaver. I am hoping that without the implants as part of the equation - as I said, they really messed with the fit of things - that I may be able to find a compression or regular bra that works.



Thanks also for mentioning the forms, as I have been wondering which ones will be the most comfortable. I've already been scoping out your reviews of forms and bras, and they are terrific. I also appreciate the work you've done to create such an informative website.



Tina

thanks to all who have been so generous with their time and advice. I am going to have both my implants removed in june and have been waivering in my decision. I know i dont want to have more surgery and i am kinda looking forward to being able to lie on my stomach easily again and not able to make my implants jump whenever i move my muscles. On the other hand i like having bumps so i am trying to face the reality of all this. i think i really didnt face this 7 years ago when i had the mastectomy the implants kept me from dealing with the reality of losing both breasts. Now i am grateful for being alive but am scared i wont be able to love my body again. The pictures look bad to me for the most part and i sometimes try to imagine what i will look like flat. i think about should i get nipples? I ordered two tlc microbead forms to be ready. cant think of anything else to get before hand , can you?also wondering: how long after surgery can you wear them? is the recovery easier than the exchange surgery.how long after the removal will i be able to exercise? feel normal? anything i can do to prepare physically or mentally would be greatly appreciated. I think of the saying often that its not what they take away from you that counts its what you do with whats left that does. thanks again....

This is an encouraging thread to visit, since I'm planning on having my implants removed in the not too distant future. And I hope there will be no more surgeries after that.

i was wondering if this has happened to any of you. I ordered the tlc microbeads forms and they came yesterday ( i ordered a 4 and they are way tooo small even though i weigh 115lbs) but when i took them out of the package and put them next to my chest i burst into tears. i dont like my implants but i dont want to be flat either. i guess i am scared about how bad i might look and how will i adjust to putting in a prosthetic and how do i sew them in etc. my surgery is in 16 days and i really need to get a grip. any suggestions. how long did it take you to come to terms with this all. how long did it take you to recover from the surgery, i.e swim, exercise... i am hoping to do another triathalon this summer do you think that;s crazy? thanks

Shippy 

I know some people are very happy with the microbeads, but I did not like them at all.  I used them for a short time after surgery, then got silicone prostheses as soon as I could.  I had a single mastectomy several years ago so was already used to using a prosthesis, but then had to get another mastectomy last year.  I can't speak for how you will adjust to the prostheses, but aside from it being a little bit of a hassle and adding a few more minutes to my dressing time, the "real" ones (silicone) don't bother me at all.  They look much more real than the microbeads, and once dressed no one would know the difference that they are not "real".  The microbead was not the same - they kept shifting around and looking uneven.  There is a short time after surgery that you may not be able to wear silicone prostheses and the microbeads are an okay stand in, but you do not have to use them forever.  And I actually preffered the "pouffy" type prosthetic (some kind of a fiberfill) over the microbead during the transition time.

Shippy, when I got my micro-bead forms I laughed at how small they looked but after I tried them in the right bra it was amazing to me how much such a little bit can do.  Since you've already got the micro-bead forms if you decide to try them again before you can wear silicone forms I have a suggestion.  I didn't like the micro-bead forms in the first bra I tried them in, but then I tried them in a bra with a formed cup and they worked out very well for me.  They didn't flatten out and they were light and cool.  I also found that they seemed larger this way.  If they don't quite fill the bra cup you can fluff up a little lambs wool and tuck it behind the forms if you're using a pocketed bra.  I also wear a lot of fitted T-shirts and they looked fine too.

 I go flat most days but if I want to wear forms I reach for the micro-bead ones, I can't remember the last time I wore my silicone forms.  You indeed may prefer silicone, I just wanted to tell you want I found to work to possibly help you get through until you can get others.

wow thanks to all of you who took the time to write your thougths and advice. I greatly appreciate it cause i feel like its hard for someone not in our position to understand what we are feeling.

Do you have any advice about how to prepare psychologically for becoming flat. I remember how depressed i felt after my bilateral mastectomy even though i had immediate expanders put in. i am excited about being able to lie on my stomach without hard lumps but scared to imagine what i will look like. i have looked at pic on line but still cant imagine being flat. i try to visualize it but seem obsessed with the fear of hating how i will look. i know i will get adjusted because now when i see a woman in the lockerroom with nipples i think wow they look strange (i never had nipples done) so i guess the human mind can get adjusted to many things. I still wonder how to prepare myself for the emotional turmoil i will go through. I did exercise too soon after my last implant put in and the drains had to stay in longer so i dont want to overdo it this time. sometimes i feel fixated at the breast stage and find myself looking at the size of other woman's breasts, ( i am happily married to a wonderful hubby so its not a sexual thing just a jealousy or comparision thing)

did you have less pain when they removed the implant than when you had them put in? i hate being homebound as i am used to being so active. i am a teacher and athletic to boot so not moving is hard for me. i do love to read and crochet so i can do that and hang out with my kids as well.

I am mostly just scared that i will regret this decision but i really dont want to go through major cosmetic surgery just to have breasts ( diep and flap etc seems too invasive to me). If anyone can advice how to mentally prepare i would greatly appreciate it. sorry for bugging you all about it. ps my surgery is in less than 2 weeks.

shippy, I think you are preparing mentally very well just by the questions you are asking! You will be surprised how much better you'll feel, too. I suppose they're going to tighten up and remove skin that isn't needed now, right? If they leave it, you'll have to have yet another surgery to remove it. Make sure your docs are on board with you. I'm 2 1/2 years out and am still doing great with my double mast decision. I NEVER have to wear a bra again!!!! Woo hoo!!!!!! I look slimmer, my neck arthritis is better, clothes fit cleaner...all sorts of benefits.

I know what you mean about looking at other women. This is my third spring/summer season of seeing all the cleavage coming out. I feel a litle bit envious until I remember the grooves of my bra digging into my body after lugging around my 42Ds all day long! I have been finding that large breasted women actually look sloppy in clothes sometimes...and in tight sweaters - well! when I see that, my brain just goes MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Hi Bobbie Jo,

I just want to say how much I appreciate knowing that BreastFree.org helped you in making your decision not to have reconstruction. It's just wonderful to hear that you're at ease with your choice and that you're feeling good about how you look. 

I think one reason I continue to enjoy maintaining the website is that I draw strength from women like you. I agree that we're all different and that non-reconstruction isn't what's best for everyone, but I'm proud to be part of the community of women who have chosen to live breast-free.

Barbara

Shippy, you actually have already begun the process of adjusting to becoming flat even though you haven't had surgery. For me, once I decided I needed to deconstruct, I felt quite sad for two weeks. I mourned the failure of my reconstruction, the time lost by the experience and the pain it had caused me. I was fearful of the unknown, what I would look like and how would I handle it. It is very unsettling. My advice during this time is to allow yourself to feel however you do, and at the same time try to continue the positive things you are doing, such as research about forms, bras, etc. There is a great thread here about dressing without forms, and I found that very reassuring.



In my mind, there are two dimensions to this adjustment of deconstruction, just as in a mastectomy. The first is how you feel about how you look naked, and the second is how you feel about how you look dressed. The naked part also involves intimacy issues and can take a little while to adjust, but the dressing part can provide a tremendous boost in your mood. Since you walk around clothed most of the time and that affects how you feel about yourself and how you perceive others see you, I think dealing with this part is an important one. At least it was for me. Now that I am close to pulling together a new wardrobe that supports my new body (includes some old stuff), I am feeling much better. With all the things I could no longer wear removed from my closet, psychologically I feel much better when I wake and decide what to wear for the day. It's fun to get dressed and put together an outfit again.



The PS who removed my implants and couldn't make me as neat and tidy as I had wanted because of my lymphedema issues, gently warned me I would go through a mourning process post surgery and to allow myself the time to grieve and just feel how I felt. She said it was normal. I would have to agree this is very much how I felt post surgery - not at first because I was so happy to be pain free, but once the reality of how I looked really hit me and I learned why I had been in so much pain (implant poking through muscle, muscle severely damaged and not totally repairable, extent of capsular contracture, and how the recon had permanently changed my musculature and ribcage). I still have some loose skin and muscle - PS wanted to be careful about incisions near my LE area, which was very wise - and I have concave areas in my ribcage from the expanders.




As far as how it felt phyically post surgery to have the implants removed, it was much easier than the mastectomy with expanders placed, and it was also easier than my exchange surgery. I felt the best I had prior to any surgery, and that was with the post surgery pain. I could breathe more fully, my muscle over my chest felt normal again, and my implant pain was completely gone. I have continued to feel better and better as the weeks go by. Week six I noticed an improvement in some of the loose muscle and skin and even more lung expansion. It was the turning point for me, and at eight weeks post op I feel so incredibly well. For me, this overrides any disappointment about my appearance. I am trying to be patient and realistic at the same time, but I am hoping that over the next four months things will continue to improve. Everyone - even strangers - have noted how happy I look. You bet I am! Such a relief to be free of pain and worry. Just as it takes some time to adjust to seeing yourself minus your breasts and then with your implants, it takes some time to adjust to seeing yourself with nothing. It's not an overnight process, but it does happen.

Tina,
Thank you so much for sharing.  It's a real encouragment.