MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish

I am so happy that the chemo is done.  Im doing the HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Thanks girls for the support!   Its on to tamoxo for up to 5 years.!!!!!!!!!

Yay Paula66!

Okay, the Torah is in this pic and I'm not making pro or con of that, I just thought it was a really cool picture of women dancing.  Paula, this is for you hon   I am just finishing my 5 yrs of tamoxifen (actually 3.5 of that and 1.5 of aromasin, but still) and I wish you the speed that those years had for me. Not to fly by without noticing though, cause my last 5 yrs have actually been filled with more living than I had in the 40 yrs prior, no lie.

In my mind I didn't do anything courageous in this battle against BC-there is a quote from churchill that I have loved my entire adult life-it got me through some tough times and it has helped through this-sometimes your best is not good enough, you have to do what is necessary. I mean what choice did I have when diagnosed? I do not think I was heroic, my choices were based on what I perceived as necessary. I was so scared, I still am some days (today- really bad). It is like when people praise me for taking care of my son. There is no choice really, not in my mind.

I want praise for things that I do not have to do that are extraordinary. If that makes sense. Otherwise I feel a bit of a fraud, like I am taking credit for simply doing what is necessary. There are few who would say in the face of BC DX-no thanks, I don't think I will do anything. Some do, but not many.

Yet, conversely, there are women I have *met* on this board that I think are truly heroic in their battle. Who exemplify the quote of which I am so fond of. They rise to each friggin bastardly challenge that is thrown at them with a grace and strength I have not often witnessed. And then they turn around and offer their help and love to others along the way, all the while walking along a path nobody should ever have to trod. Whoa, that is simply amazing to me.

I am not sure where I heard this or read it but it was something like this- I do not only want to survive, I want to thrive. I have been all torn up today and it has been brewing for a few weeks. I think it happened when maybe a day or two of feeling down just settled in and then it is like the door swung wide open and all the sadness and fears flowed in. Everything seemed to stick, from losing another one of us way too soon to hyper awareness of self-mortalilty...all got piled in a logjam with no way out. I keep restarting the engine so to speak but then it would sputter and stall out. I got mad, since in all the decades of my life I have always been able to shake it off and march on. But I got in here good this time. Perhaps I needed to and admit to myself how scared and uncertain I have felt since last November. Its like I kept waiting for this magical moment where that undercurrent would go away, yet the paddling to keep my head above water actually exhausted me as I tried to appear like I was floating along with a smile on my face.

So, when I read the question over survivor, it clicked something in me. I have survived thus far and it was the thriving I was missing. The living part. I have been so busy surviving and trying to somehow minimize it all as a show of weakness I guess. Ha. Instead it was a shock to the system (great movie by the way with that title). I find myself trying to make elaborate explanations to others and myself why I feel or act a certain way...and i am beginning to realize there are no real explanations-it just is. I think the thriving part is going to be the challenge, if I insist on truly applying my credo from old winston. I'll have to accept that I was dx with BC and that is fact of who I am now. To seek out a balance where it is just that, like the color of my eyes. Cautious and vigilant (and allowing there will be times when I have to be hypervigilant for changes that could signal problems). Then dust off my now flabby ass and get back in the saddle again, giddyap and ride. 

sheesh....i did it again,freeform annette brain. thank you all for being who you are and being so patient...

I'm going to print & save your freeform brain essay annettek-Thank you! 

chrissy - Very well said.

Thanks for sharing what was in your hearts ladies. I say "had" knowing full well that I am actually in remission, but the general public seems to know only have or had. I freely say I had BC to others as for myself I would like to do my part to educate and open dialog so that others become more aware. I remember when everyone whispered the word "cancer".  That is just my personality as I am a nurse and an educator and a very chatty chick I hope everyone finds peace and a little sunshine this weekend.

Hugs and Love,

Linda

Annette your freeform annette brain was lovely and thanks for sharing what was in your heart and mind.  I am sure we can all admit to ourselves we have thought the same along this jouney.  Wishing you all the best.

Elimar I couldn't agree more,  the ones  (friends or family or acquaintances) who want to ask questions but don't want to upset you start off by asking 'How are you?" with this sad moon faced look hoping that you will open the door to let them ask what they really want.  Most times I do for it is very healing for me to talk about it, so I usually get more out of it than they do. But I really wish we could all take the attitudes of kids. 

 I have to share a story about the boys in my son's 5th grade class (he goes to an all boys academy).  They sent me a lovely bundle of homemade get well cards shortly after my BMX.  I have read those cards so many times when I was down or just needed to smile.  They all knew what type of surgery I was having for we have been very honest with our sons.  I wanted to thank them in a way they would like, so two Fridays ago I brought a pizza lunch to school for his class (including soda and icecream, I am sure the teacher was thrilled with me by the middle of the afternoon).  I was bracing myself for this was the first time I was back at the school and I didn't know what type of questions/stares I would get from teachers and moms.  My shock came not from them but the kids.  Very openingly without hesitation, the questions came, how did you find the lump, how do they cut off your boobs (lots of laughter when the boy used the word), are you going to die.  While some of the questions were hard, I talked from my heart and answered as best I could.  They then went on with what they were doing and didn't give it another thought. 

Faulkh- children are so honest and true- it is a thing of beauty to behold- they do not know what is politically correct thank god! Cut right to the chase.

Elimar & Jo-i find myself talking so much to those who have neglected their exams and just females in general. The more we learn about this insiduous disease and all the little warning markers are body;s gave off in retrospect (vit d levels, early menses, elevated iron,HRT for some, birth control pills, etc) I am afraid I have become a bit of a NAG hahahaha...a dear friend of 57 - a bright intelligent woman is refusing to go in for an exam- a well woman exam-she is beyond scared and said "There is no way I would have the same early stage as you, you were so much healthier than me when you found out and the odds won't have it and I can't bear it" So, instead of pushing I am trying to nudge gently. She is one of many. Fear stops many. As for those along the way who have had BC-it is a split. Some I love to talk with and others, well, I cannot for whatever reasons (Mainly for being so disagreeable over my choice of a BMX for early stage) I would never presume to tell someone that they were wrong wrong wrong for what surgical option they chose, despite what I might think. Always careful to couch in terms of what was right for me. But for some, they cannot help themselves and it is a turnoff. As are those who will not talk about anything else. One I felt for and listened to a lot, for I thought perhaps she had nobody else to talk to...recommended BC.org to her...but then I realized it had become her identity and being here would only make one of many....she wanted (wants) to be the poster child for BC and is always hitting everyone up in office for cash (unrelentingly) along with a cubicle drenched in pink. Became angry when after thanking her I put away a big pink sign thingy she put on my desk....said I needed to make people aware. I said they are, or those I chose to be aware are. Different strokes for different folks.

Thanks everybody for your encouragment & support, I been having a blue day.But you Middles are so Awesome! Love ya all!

 Hope everyone is doing well! Thinking of all of you & Prayers to all of you going thru test & doc appt. Hope you all having a great weekend {{{hugs}}} Gina

P.S. My left  Mastectomy is this Tues May 17th &  I  have decide to wear the brightness Lipstick I can find! LOL!!  I just loved the book & Movie "Why I wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy"

Gina- so glad your day got a bit better from the "middies"- here is hoping all goes well and your lipstick shines brightly through...

I voted earlier today and was # 206 - just checked again and it is now at 220...... I think that we CAN vote daily, but contest closes on May 16th - so not much time left!

((Gina)) - wishing you all the best for your surgery next week.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers!  Love the lipstick idea!

*edited for typo

The inside a a shell??????