raining and pouring-need support

asmd · May 2011

Hate to complain, but... 4 days after my mx, and first day I felt semi-normal, I went w my 2 daughters to barn to sit in sun while they rode their horses. And my youngest had a terrible accident- horse spooked, trampled her in creek, broke four ribs. Luckily I was able to get to her within minutes-her sister saved her by pulling her out of creek. She punctured her lung, spent 4 nights in hospital w chest tube, w me at her side constantly, now home and will be ok. She is in lots of pain from broken ribs. College won't allow her to walk with other grads (not that she could take the risk of being jostled) since she had to take 4 incompletes during finals week. So she's all upset missing all the college graduation fun. I feel so selfish-but she's so needy, and I feel like I need some time for myself.

My cancer was dx during the wk my husband and i were supposed to be in Rome, celebrating my 5 yr anniversary from endometrial cancer. This past yr, I've had 3 surgeries- the mx, plus 2 on left ankle-with 3-4 months in casts and crutches, non-wt bearing. I worked so hard to get mobile again after ankle surgeries, and just when I was feeling well again, the cancer. Still waiting to find out if I'll need chemo. And the mx pain was nothing compared to the TE-I've got an oblong and very full breast. Had no idea how uncomfortable it would be.

Everyone keeps telling me how strong and resilient I am, and like the rest of you, what choice do we have? But, I feel like I'm losing my fighting spirit.I know it will come back. I'm just so tired of being strong. Sorry to vent, because I know it could be far worse.

Valgirl · May 2011

That's why we're here so you can vent. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

You will make it. As you said - things can always be worse.

Anjanita · May 2011

Sorry to hear you are on overload, asmd. Where's the fairness, anyway? Sometimes in pretty short supply.

From my perspective you certainly aren't alone. We have our hands full and when those dark times come, no matter how many times we've climbed the ladder back to equilibrium, it can seem like there's no energy left to do it one. more. time.

Hope you'll find the time to do something which will make your day brighter. In fact, I downright encourage it. Sending a smile. . .

Edited to add: Duh! You already did when you created a thread. Way to go!

dlb823 · May 2011

(((asmd))) Wow, it really sounds like you've been through the wringer. Just having bc gives most of us some pretty down days, so I can see why you might be feeling especially low.

First, I'm so glad your daughter is okay. It sounds like an accident that could have been so much worse, so you certainly do have a lot to be thankful for! It's tough that she won't be able to walk for graduation, but maybe she can do that in January (if her school has a midyear ceremony) or next June. It's disappointing, I know, but she'll live through it, and the outcome from that fall could have been so much worse.

As far as balancing her neediness with your own needs, I think you need to be careful not to let your needs get overridden by hers. As Mothers, we're so used to giving, giving, giving -- but there are times (and bc is certainly one of them!) when we need to acknowledge that we have needs, too, and asking your family to be more aware of this isn't unrealistic or selfish. You need to gently let them know what you're feeling and what you need, and don't feel guilty about it. Otherwise, you may become resentful and lash out at them, which happened to me.

Hang in there! Surely, sunnier days are ahead! In the mean time, maybe try to do something special for yourself today, whether that's a pedicure or calling up an old friend. Sometimes the little things can do wonders for our spirits. Deanna

mdg · May 2011

I just want to hug you tight right now....HUGS! You are going through A LOT so you have every right to vent and feel stressed out. I know what you mean about people saying "you are so strong"....well put it in these terms...if a ugly beast was chasing you, you'd run too! It's not like this is easy or fun...it pretty much sucks! You have been through way more than I have so I can't even imagine. I am sorry you have to endure this after all of the other things. I hope your daughter heals up quickly - and you too!

As far as the TE's. Are you doing any strecthing? My PS gave me stretches and I worked with a physical therapist. I am done filling now (at 510cc's) and have ZERO tightness in my chest from the TE's. I exercise 5 days a week and then stretch my arms/chest daily. That has made all the difference. They use to hurt so bad but I believe the stretching has made all the difference.

asmd · May 2011

thanks, girls. mdg-my ps told me nothing about stretching, but I've been doing some on my own- I have full range of motion. It's more hypersensitive skin, and last night the muscle spasms after too active a day. Sore but better today. See new ps tomorrow, so will ask him about stretching. I'm used to being really physical-wt lifting, riding, aerobics etc so I'm surprised at how irritating and limiting the TEs are. I just read op report and saw ps filled with 150 cc. I would have guessed more, given how big they look.

dsengplute · May 2011

Motherhood and Cancer and Family and Work and Finances and and and and it just goes on. Please let it go. Take a few deep breaths and refocus. Truth is we can only do what we feel is most important in this moment and the next. There will always be some sort of crisis in the life of someone we love but it's their crisis - not ours!

Somehow I believe all that worry fed my BC and I do not want to recreate this experience in my life so I'm becoming very good at letting go, at letting others deal with their own stuff, even at ignoring things that others can handle instead. What freedom. I'll keep practicing being peaceful and hope you join me.

raining and pouring-need support

Comments

Categories