When Silence Speaks Volumes....
When someone starts a thread, including myself, I would think the person has the ability, while reading comments, to decide what responses "speaks" to them. Likewise, I think we all have enough wits about ourselves to know which comments we wish to ignore. The funny thing is what comments might "speak" to one person might be shrill and deafening to another. When I come on this board I have no expectations about what kind of viewpoints or information I will find here. Nor will I disparage anyone with whom I disagree. For me, the Internet permits me to be as involved in the exchange as much or as little as I like. And. thankfully, when someone has an opinion I don't like, it is very easy for me to ignore the person's comments and in a few cases, that includes some people who begin threads as well. Finally, I want to come back to those folks who begin threads and say I will give many of them a lot of credit and believe they can ignore comments that don't resonate with them while also appreciating those that do. So what is it that I'm really talking about? We all don't have to go spinning like a top when someone says something that is shrill and deafing. I think ignoring them and saying nothing can sometimes be more powerful. When the sisters, or their loved ones, come here looking for advice, I maintain they're much smarter than you think. Think about that the next time you are thinking of saying something. Please. And for those folks who begin threads that are over the top, IMHO, it's okay to ignore them too. Imagine, if someone starts a thread that is so way over the top and nobody replies. Now that kind of silence speaks volumes!
Comments
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Wow! Well said!
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Chrissyb...
Thanks. -
Nothing hurts as much as sheer indiference.
Sheila.
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Sheila, haven't there been many times in your life when all you've had to do is give someone the evil eye and they knew EXACTLY how you felt? I think with the Internet and all of this texting and emailing...people are missing out on the greatest communication of all. Non verbal communication. So....perhaps we have to invent a way of conveying it on the Internet.....Perhaps that way includes ignoring comments. And when no one comments..I would not consider that sheer indifference. And remember, you have to give more credit to the folks that are reading...they are smarter than you think at critical analysis.
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Jbinok...I never expect other folks to quiet themselves. Instead, I just know when I need not communicate verbally. The thing that is so complicated here on the net is that many of us have to be more verbal because our non-verbal communication is getting lost in translation.
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Re: "… I want to come back to those folks who begin threads and say I will give many of them a lot of credit and believe they can ignore comments that don't resonate with them while also appreciating those that do. … We all don't have to go spinning like a top when someone says something that is shrill and deafing. I think ignoring them and saying nothing can sometimes be more powerful."
voraciousreader, you are correct (IMHO) in reminding us that sometimes saying nothing at all is better than jumping into an ongoing argument. Sometimes an insulting comment speaks for itself -- there is nothing we could add that would make it more obvious where the real problem lies.
OTOH, bullying occurs on these boards. Some members are well-known for their snarky, insulting comments -- it's like a trademark they're proud of. When someone posts a nasty remark in response to a post by a regular member, I don't worry so much. People who have been on these boards for awhile have (mostly) learned to weather the storms and ignore the tantrums. I say "mostly" because even a long-time member might take comfort from words of support when she's been attacked.
Everything changes (IMHO again) when the insults and attacks are directed against a new member, or against someone who is venturing into new, scary territory. Sure, we're all adults; so theoretically we all ought to be thick-skinned and resilent, no matter what. We should be able to summon the strength necessary to work through the fright and lull ourselves to sleep despite the night terrors. And, when someone drops out of nowhere and says something cold and heartless to us, we ought to be able to ignore it -- to decide whether it "speaks to us," or "resonates with us," as you put it.
Theoretically, that's true. Realistically, though, we are human, and there are times when some of us are fragile (contrary to what you and others have asserted here). So, I see nothing wrong with offering comfort to someone who finds herself in a tough spot. And, I find nothing wrong with stepping up to support and defend someone who has been insulted on these boards. If we ignore bullying -- if we say nothing when someone is being belittled or verbally attacked -- the bullies have won, and the "community" begins to resemble the world of Mad Max.
I really don't think it should have been necessary for me to say what I said in this post. I thought supporting one another was something that kind, well-socialized people did, without being asked.
otter
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JB, you're right -- perhaps I should have ignored voracious's OP and let the insensitivity stand on its own. I'm sure, in all the silence, it would have "resonated" with someone.
otter
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(((((((((((((Otter)))))))))))))
[my attempt virtual "non-verbal communication" and "letting silence speak volumes"]
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Another ((((((((Otter))))))))
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I see nothing wrong with comforting someone who is scared out of their wits......there is no place on this website, or in this world for bullying. Its cruel, unjust, especially when you don't know how fragile the person on the other end is.........I'm for peace at any price...............but it is true...............Silence is Golden.............and we can learn much from wise words, little from wise cracks, and less from wise guys...................have a good night
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Silence is golden at times. I agree that if someone is being cruel and nasty because there is a personality conflict or anything of that nature - the best thing to do is to ignore them after all they are doing this to gain attention and to start a fight. I feel confident that if someone started coming after me personally on this board that there are members here that would come to my defense and I could remain silent to diffuse the situation instead of responding back and creating more chaos. I will not hesitate to defend someone if I felt they were being treated in a cruel or taunting manner.
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jancie..............there was no stopping it....it got very cruel.........this person just got pleasure out of being nasty.....we did our best, hopefully she is gone now, but I doubt that.
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Duckyb1 - I get it - I was never one to shut my mouth but then on this really stupid thread - I ended having 2 posts deleted and what I said wasn't mean at all - it was factual but I guess the person didn't want to hear the truth and to this day still lives in the land of DeNile. Now, because of that one instance - I keep my mouth shut so that there is no reason for ANYONE to report ANY of my posts. Made me sick to my stomach when my posts were deleted - of course that was back when someone could get their gang together and have 4 other of their pals report posts and you were automatically suspended.
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jancie............Not sure what yours was about since I was diagnosed on Feb 15th, and have not been here for long, but from what I saw, (and I too speak my mind)......this person was literally cruel, well actually it is either 2 people, or 1 person, who has two names on here...........Won't get into that, but it was cruel, not just factual..........it didn't upset me, even though some of it was directed at me, but it sure pissed me off.........Either way this person was way out of line with her comments...........It is fine to say how you feel about about the way you personally have handled the cancer thing, but to ridicule someone who is struggling is unfair.............Just my opinon, but the truth is they had to be stopped........it was to the point of bullying.
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Did not want to bite, but here it is, and when I see someone in trouble (BCO is the last place for anyone to be attacked) I will jump right in:
"The Attention-SeekerMotivation: to be the centre of attention
Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism
Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very highResponsibility
The serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behaviour and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are responsible for their behaviour and thus liable for its consequences to other people. If the bully doesn't know what they are doing, they should be suspended from duty on the grounds of diminished responsibility and the provisions of the Mental Health Act should apply."
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Exactly, Luan!
And Ducky, Jancie and Otter -- all well said! I think the majority will stand up to bullying. There's absolutely nothing wrong with soothing someone else's feelings (as Ducky said so well).
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Oh, I shouldn't, but I'll bite too. Here's my assessment, based on my learnings from Psych 101 about 35 years ago:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:
- Are self-centered and boastful
- Seek constant attention and admiration
- Consider themselves better than others
- Exaggerate their talents and achievements
- Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
- Are easily hurt but might not show it
- Might take advantage of others to achieve their goals
Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:
- Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
- Belief that he or she is "special" and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
- Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
- Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
- Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation
- Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
Does any of that seem familiar?
While it doesn't specifically mention this on the websites I've read, I'd bet that those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder just can't keep silent.
And I will now retreat and try to maintain my silence.
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Beesie, you crack me up! Good post, though. I attended a conference last week on Personality disorders, and was fascinated by the Narcissistic Personality as well as the Borderline Personality. Both of which stir up an unusual amount of craziness and tension here.
I'm of two minds (split personality disorder??) about VR's original post. I agree that it's best to ignore rather than get heated, unless there's absolutely wrong info being given or someone is being outright bullied. Then we stand up for all of BCO.
Think twice before you let someone you don't know push your buttons on a web forum...
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(((Otter and Beesie)))
I love your sense of humour - we need more of that refined assessment-making around here. Thanks to both for the laughs!
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WoW! Beesie loved the ' NPD ' clip....I think you just diagnosed my husband as well as 75% of the male population. I was going to start a book 6 months ago titled " The day I woke up and discovered my husband was stupid ", but I can't write that book now that I know he actually may be afflicted! Thank you for the smile today!
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Beesie and otter...you crack me up!
duckyb...I have been here for almost 2 years and it was the first time anyone ever made me that mad...you have been here for 2 months - I would appreciate it very much if would cease and desist with the verbal abuse - I am growing quite tired of it smacking me in the face everytime I go to a thread like you think I don't know who you are talking about and so does everyone else.
These boards are a place of solice - a place to have an issue and hope someone has a solution that has been through it. A place to share a joyous moment - remission, regression, stable, NED, and NERD. A place to comfort those dealing with a loss, pray for those reaching the end and lending a hand up to someone who just found out they have breast cancer in whatever form.
It is a place to vent, rant, scream, kick and yell and not be afraid that someone is going to jump on you - just make sure you label it a rant so that no one takes it personally.
It is also a place to state an opinion - have debates - post new research - help each other through treatment - help come out the other side and hold one up who has it come back.
Someone once talked about perception - and it is quite true that words can be misread based on a person place in mind - and I think voraciousreader stated that very well. And otter and beesie - hats off to you once again, as always.
I reared up in defense of a newly diagnosed person that was treated horribly - and I end up being the bully that is hopefully gone from the boards...my life is not here but it is my support, encouragement and many, many, many very good cyber friends - of all stages - I learned very early on when this happened to me when I was scared and new and didn't know a thing about what was happening to me - and someone pretty much told me the same thing - I was ready to leave and never come back because I couldn't believe being just diagnosed at stage iv that I should stop wallowing in it and put my big girl panties on - otter, KK, ElaineD and a few others came to my rescue...now I have returned the favor.
I found I didn't need 'alligator skin' to survive the attacks that come with a 'personal opinion' but I learned to see things differently and try to find the positive - sorry, couldn't find a positive so I dug in my heels and spoke my mind - FULL OUT RANT - the generally accepted warning for a angry post. Oh, I got reported too. Oh well.
I thought it was contained on the thread where it started - and lfie went on but here it is again and on many other threads I participate in - those that know me will know that I will be the bigger person but this is just nonesense.
So, I will hike up my big girl diapers and learn how to use the ignore button or better - be silent.
LowRider
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Sending a huge hug to Lowrider, my fellow B-cup-er.
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Hugs to all who would stand up to those who can not speak for themselves. Ignore to all who would kick them while they are down or watch it happen and say nothing.
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LowRider, I do not mean to interject (before she has had a chance to respond), but unless my Tamox brain missed something, I do not believe Ducky is referring to you in her posts
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Low - I agree with Luan. I'm 99% sure it wasn't you.
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Lowrider
Hugs to you. I think Ducky was talking about someone else. Personnally I think your rant was eloquent and right on.
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Ah, that over-sensitivity again...maybe I should up the dosage on the Effexsor???
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Low - I agree with Rosemary. Your rant was quite eloquent and spot on!
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ALERT, another thread "psychological impact of breast cancer"
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That thread is very weird.
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