why am I so irritable and short fused with my family?

Please take it easy on yourself--your reaction is so normal.  you have been through so many traumatic experiences!  Of course you might find yourself angry and irritable, and we often take that out on those we love and trust the most.  Take time for yourself-- breath--and we are here to listen!! xo

robin - cancer sucks- if you can make it work- find a good competent therapist. Have  a neutral party listen. Medication may assist but therapy can be very helpful- we go through so much.....

Goodluck

chocolate

I was diagnosed soon before christmas 2010, and have been in complete survival mode since. I have cried like a baby, being in shock and all. A week ago I had this first huge fit of rage and am from time to time, horrible with both DH and daughter. They understand, they talk to me, and I usually feel awful after my rage has calmed down, I'd never want it to become the 'normal' me. I cry, throw things around, cry again...I guess it's part of the process...My DH lets me know when I'm pushing it too far, even if it hurts sometimes I know he's right. Just because I have cancer I can't take it out on them. Easier said than done though! I'm almost done with chemo, maybe it's the shock wearing off or the knowing that soon I'll be rolled into the OR. 

I know my DH has always been reluctant bedroom wise when I've been angry (who gets turned on by an angry bee? ;-) ) but on my good days it's wonderful. It helps very much with coping.

I hate that it takes one stupid thing, especially when I'm tired, to get me sooo angry. Wish I could put the energy I use being sulky on something else! But it is hard...I think if you're not comfortable with yourself it makes everything a hundred times harder, the self awareness and stuff..When I put make up on, sometimes my wig and some nice fitting clothes I feel like I can 'take' so much more, it's like a shield. 

If you haven't given it a go, it's easier in the long run to sit down and talk openly about how you feel. Explain that it isn't 'you' being angry and irritated. Explain why you are angry  (I'm not so sure myself, it's like I'm angry with EVERYTHING, the world in general! ), tell them that you love them. You cannot do their loving for them, if you see what I mean. And, listen to your husband and kids, even if what they have to say is sometimes unfair, it is their point of view, and they don't have cancer (thank God). We all have our own reactions, and I'm certain your husband loves you and doesn't want to lose you! I agree with Chocolate that therapy is great, it gives you the possibilty to analyze your feelings and reactions so as to better manage them, and know 'where they are coming from'. Try it - maybe you'll like it! 

Bon courage! 

Hey nmoss, 

I think we're definitely on the same wave here. If you don't have peace of mind, it gets really hard. I believe yoga and acupuncture only have positive effects, but it requires the calm you're talking about. This last week, I have felt strangely calm, before the storm I guess as I had my second taxotere today. Still feeling 'normal' and can focus on other things than my pain, which is otherwise so consuming. Only this morning when one of the oncs I saw before treatment made me feel bad, cause I have menopausal symptoms, I felt my nerves starting to twitch, (only the thought of not being able to have babies afterwards bring tears to my eyes instantly), but I managed to lead my thoughts on the right path if you see what I mean.

For example; I was diagnosed late december, and did my last flight in January. One morning my phone rings and woke me up (I live in France and was in Montréal so you can imagine the wake up with the jetlag and time differences and all) and it was the doctors secretary about appointments etc. I was sooo pissed off and Skyped with my husband, but I had this 'survival mode' thing going on, so I took my bathing suit, went to the pool and swam for like two hours, then I had a steam bath with herbs and a wonderful healthy breakfast with a collegue afterwards, followed by massive shopping and numerous 'cancer presents', (but that's another story :-)). I completely managed to turn myself around. I've continued with that, have a shower with nice soaps (organic please ;-) ), massaging aching joints with like arnica massage oil. It's so soothing and good for your skin. I don't know the herceptin and its SE's, but I imagine it is as delightful as the other treatments...I also invested in a crosstrainer; only 20 minutes a day does wonders mentally. My acupuncturer made me herbal teas which are supposed to help my liver cope with all the toxins, avoid belly troubles, and calm me; they are exquisite aswell. 

I've noticed that peptalks work for me, especially my mother's, with me falling ill we've renewed contact after a very tumultous past and it feels absolutely wonderful. This weekend I spent a lot of time outside in the sun, my husband and I we're kidfree the whole Saturday, and it was such a bliss. We only did the 'basic' stuff, eating nice food, taking a walk in the sun, shopping organic veggies and fruits, having niiiice quality time together, good laughs in front of the tv and it goes on and on. I told him that it was these kinds of weekends that make life worth living. He answered that we could have those weekends always, and it made me feel so calm and happy. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else in the world, not even flying.

I don't see what's happening to me cancerwise like a blessing, more of a wake up call. I have always been interested in alternative treatment- not to feed your body the wrong things, emotionally and physically, yoga, acupuncture and ayurveda have always tempted me. I have just been too busy with my job (flight attendant) and too much superficial stuff, but now that has all changed. I believe stress and negative emotions contribute to many ilnnesses, cancer aswell. 

I know what you mean about husbands not doing the stuff 'correctly', and it is so hard to accept when agonizing on your couch. Maybe sit down and talk to him, tell him you appreciate his help- think about it, what would piss you off more, that he helped but didn't put the plates or the laundry at the right place, or that he would be an d***head and fled into his work?  You can ask him to massage your aching body if he's good at that...:-)

Dreams are important too, I picture about my hair growing out just a tiny bit so I can ditch my wig and 'go commando' as someone said on a thread. So exciting! I can recommend the tvshow 'the Big C' with Laura Linney, the first episodes got me down, but afterwards I laughed my ass off and took a step back. A raspberry red nailpolish can make me smile, a good meal shared with daughter and husband...the little things...

Don't quit chemo! One of the oncs at the clinic managed to talk me into not lowering the dose, as I'm hesitating about the hormono-therapy, 'Suck it up' she said, 'you will be happy you did'. But everything is always easier when the sun is shining and you feel good. 

I do hope you're feeling better nmoss!