Husband just diagnosed

HansieDZ
HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
edited June 2014 in Male Breast Cancer

Hi all.

I am here because my husband was just diagnosed with breast cancer. We are awaiting second opionions re: treatment options. NOONE in our family/friends has been told yet and the trouble I am having is that my husband is strictly against telling people what KIND of cancer he has. He is "ashamed" because he has a "woman's disease". I'm having a hard time reconciling his embarassment with telling the truth. He wants to tell people he has a "tumor in his chest". I think he should just say right up front what he has,but will respect his wishes.

I guess the point of my post is how did other men announce they had Breast Cancer?

How did others avoid the stigma associated with a so-called "woman's disease"?

We will have a very good support network once the news is released (we are waiting on other test results and second opinions before we do so) but he is "ashamed" and embarrassed and I'm having a hard time trying to deal with not only a potentially life threatening diagnosis,but "lying" to family and friends.

Bless all of us in this journey.

:)Jennifer

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Comments

  • 37antiques
    37antiques Member Posts: 643
    edited May 2011

    Hi Jennifer,

    I think all of us don't like to say we have breast cancer, even if we are women, so I understand your husband's feelings.  This is a rough journey, and if he feels it is best to call it a tumor in his chest, that may make things easier for him for now.  You may find that he will become more forthcoming as he adjusts to it, there is so much information and decisions to be made just now, and it seems as though you don't quite have complete information yet.  I think the most important thing is to let the immediate family know, ones who may be touched by the same dx in future, your children, his brothers and sisters, but otherwise I would think it is fine to let friends and neighbors just respect his privacy at this time.  Plenty of us here have had people look at us funny when we tell them we have cancer, not even being specific.  Unfortunately, some people still think it's contagious!

    ((Hugs))

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2011

    I know that you are looking for feedback from men but I wanted to say that I was also uncomfortable with my husband telling people about my BC and generally he respected my wishes.  Many of my neighbors found out because they saw me gardening (without hair) and inquired.  It will get easier for him over time.

    My husband argued that he needed support, too.  In the end, he generally respected my wishes until I got comfortable with it. 

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  • shells43
    shells43 Member Posts: 1,022
    edited May 2011

    Hi Jennifer,

    I'm so sorry you are both having to face this diagnosis. I know only a small fraction of breast cancers occur in men, and I don't have any experience with which to help you. Hopefully someone will come along who can answer your questions. Just know there is a large community of support here for both of you. I think we are all reluctant to share our diagnosis, some more than others. Maybe as time goes on he will feel more open and even become an advocate for men in the same situation.

    Blessings

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  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited May 2011

    Hi Jennifer...

    My Dad was a pretty masculine guy, and he intially said "tumor in his chest" as well. I think he was more puzzled than embarrassed by the "male breast cancer," but eventually he "came out" with his buddies, and they all puzzled over it together. I think it's very difficult for most men to come to terms with this diagnosis, so give your husband some time. I agree with 37antiques re. alerting your children when they are of age (if you have any)... I am living proof that a father may pass along breast cancer genes too. I wish you much good luck as you battle this. Please let us know how things progress.

    All the best,

    Rose.

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  • bookgirl
    bookgirl Member Posts: 128
    edited May 2011

    Not sure if this helps but my good friends father was diagnosed with BC while in Navy, he passed many years later for something else entirely. There is also a news anchorman here in San Diego, Bill Griffith (I think is his name) Who shared his story and treatments on line and on the local news, it makes me feel good to see him years later still giving the news. Also there is a website that lists famous names with BC both men and women. It is a most personal choice and I'm hoping for the best for you both.

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  • dawn31337
    dawn31337 Member Posts: 307
    edited May 2011

    I feel for you and your husband.  I would just say he has cancer, period.  In my limited experience, no one really asks what kind; cancer is scary enough to most people.  Some women wear pink scarves, hats, shirts, etc.  That's what gives it away.  

    BC runs in my family even though I'm BRCA1 and 2 negative.  There is no doubt in my mind I have a BRCA 3, 4, or 5 gene.  They just haven't figured it out yet.  

    As for the 'women's disease,' yeah the vast, vast majority of BC patients are women.  We have larger breasts, right?  Men are so fragile. I am triple negative and that could be considered an African American disease, and I am caucasian.  Who cares what general type of people get the disease.  Maybe it's all the pink ribbons, which BTW I find offensive.  I had cancer and I beat it.  I whole heartedly hope your husband does too.  Does he think he's less than a man because of the type of cancer he has?  I hope not, and if so, I hope he gets over that soon. Half of the recovery is attitude.  

    Look up Peter Criss, the drummer from Kiss.  I know he had breast cancer, and has publicized his story.  Because of my strong family history, I have implored both my son and my daughter to do self exams.  Every woman in my (small) family have had BC.  My son is the only male in his or my generation.

    Best of luck to you and especially to your husband.   

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Thank you ladies who have already responded to my initial post.

    Yes,we have 4 sons and 2 daughters so now I am fearful for my children.Results from genetic testing are not known to us yet,so we will deal with that when it is known.

     My husband is 45 so this is quite unexpected. As I go through my daily activities,I know people are talking but all I can hear is my brain screaming, "MY HUSBAND HAS CANCER!!!!" I know the world can't stop because of this; all I want is for it to slow down for just a second.Once we can confide in family and friends,it will ease some of the burden.I feel the need to talk about this with people and we can't yet!

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Oh I just have to mention something else:

    my husband's mammogram films were in a pink envelope with actual diagrams of breasts on them!

    We carried those throughout a hospital (many different facilities) and most of the time I carried them due to his embarrassment,but honestly, *I* would have been embarrassed too! 

    WHY can't they just put the films in a plain manilla envelope??????

    I went out and bought a manilla envelope to put his films in: no danged need for  the whole world to know WHY you are in a cancer center!

    To those reading and responding to my posts: bless you and your loved ones fighting this battle with and for you. May we all be strengthened by the community here.

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  • dawn31337
    dawn31337 Member Posts: 307
    edited May 2011

    Once he has a treatment plan it all becomes more manageable.  The first part is the hardest.  I would think the best part for him, is men are commonly bald, and men don't have big boobs, which aren't generally as much sensual organs like women's are.  Not trying to minimize his loss, but it may be easier for him to deal with than it would be for a woman.  For me, the outward physical aspects were the hardest to deal with.

    It is quite unexpected for all of us. Newsflash, right?  :)

    They certainly could have been more sensitive with his medical records.  I'm sure that made him feel worse. 

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Thank you all for each and every one's replies and experiences.

    For sure that we all come here through a common diagnosis but each with personal backgrounds and I value each one's life story.

    I'm still trying to process what this means to my husband and our family. I am praying for a "good'" way to tell our children. Then the rest of the family and then our friends. There's really no easy way,is there?

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  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited May 2011

    Ugh. The pink envelope would make me cringe too. I was 45 when I was diagnosed last year. I was completely healthy otherwise, never been sick, so I understand the shock. It's true, once you get a treatment plan you will feel stronger. You're being very sweet and thoughtful of your husband's feelings, and I know you need support too! Hang in there and post here as much as you like... these people are wonderful and they really do understand. Who knows, a man may even post too!Smile

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    I think I have made new friends tonight,but in a way I would never have anticipated.

    To those who have replied and shared their stories: bless you on your journey to health. May you find fulfillment and joy in each moment and meaning to each day.

    Thanks to all who have given me advice and encouragement.  I appreciate the words of comfort.

    :) Jennifer

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  • ithaca
    ithaca Member Posts: 25
    edited May 2011

    Hi Jennifer -

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 40 and remember wondering what I should say to people, Not only did I have cancer, I had a woman's cancer. It all seemed quite surreal.

    You're so good to respect your husband's wishes in terms of what to say - when things so out of control, he wants to control whatever he can. 

    But I think it's likely that he will come to terms with it and become open about what it really is. Everyone has a different timetable for this.

    These are some of the columns I've written about my experiences that might be helpful:

    http://www.crcfl.net/content/category/personal-reflections.html 

    And your husband should feel free to contact me at bob@crcfl.net if I can help in any way,

    Bob

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  • lbrewer
    lbrewer Member Posts: 766
    edited May 2011
    Please check out http://www.tftptf.com/   ( the few, the proud the forgotten)Camp LeJuene dumped toxic chemicals into the base water supply from 1950-1980.  Anyone lving there, conceived there, born/raised there during that time was exposed.  the gov has acknowledged it  and there is currently a national registry of cancer victims tied to the case.   The eb site sponsors are trying to raise awareness and make sure all men/families exposed know of their risks and options.
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  • Larry44
    Larry44 Member Posts: 53
    edited May 2011
    Dear Hansie,

    I think it is a real disservice to men that breast cancer has been labeled as a woman's disease. The fact is that men have breasts, although not completely developed, and can get breast cancer.

    I told my relatives and friends that I had breast cancer after I was diagnosed. I could see no reason to hide the diagnosis and I'm secure enough as a man that it did not bother me to tell people. I started by telling my closest friends the day I received the diagnosis and then gradually told others over time. Everyone I told was very accepting and did not question it.

    Your husband would be doing a service to other men to tell people that he has breast cancer. Relatively few people know that men can get breast cancer and so most men are slow to seek treatment when they find a mass in their breast. I'm sure that many men would be alive today had they sought treatment promptly. However, I can understand if he can't bring himself to talk about the specifics right now. Getting a diagnosis of breast cancer was a life altering experience for me and it took me many months to come to terms with the diagnosis.

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Updating now:

    We have our second opinion appt. on Friday at the IU Med Center (Cancer Center) since the oncologist wants to start chemo first,then surgery,then radiation and he said now would be the time to seek out a second opinion. We still haven't told anyone (IRL) about this and some of the kids are starting to ask questions. Frankly,it is extremely difficult for me to NOT talk to my best friends or Hubby's family (whom I am close with) but we have to tell our children first and our oldest will be home from college on Saturday. I just choke up and start crying every time I think of what my precious man has to go through yet.

    I have been trying to navigate my way through this whole forum and reading everything I can. There are many good sub-forums that I have been reading but they aren't exactly fitting my needs so I will probably drive you all crazy by posting here on the Male Breast Cancer board! It doesn't really matter if noone responds,as it really helps me to "talk" about what we're experiencing right now since I can't talk to anyone. It helps to just type everything out,even if I never hit the "post" button. I am sick at the thought of telling our kids and families and praying for strength to do that.

    If anyone wants to p.m. me with tips,advice,suggestions,prayers,I'd appreciate it. Trying to deal with this with what little we know is very hard. The good thing is that his boss knows and is extremely supportive so that is comforting to both of us.

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  • J9W
    J9W Member Posts: 395
    edited May 2011

    ((((((Hugs))))) to you and your whole family. Once you have answers and a game plan, it does get just a tad easier - the waiting is so hard!

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Thank you J9W-

    I believe you are right in feeling more "in control" (as much as possible with Cancer is in your life) will give us more strength. Knowledge is power but from what I have read,they really can't say what stage your cancer is in until after surgery and with the MO (I guess is the proper abbreviation) saying to do chemo first,not knowing what his prognosis is compounding the fear and anxiety. I did ask the MO what stage he would call it and he said, "Two,but 3 if other areas are involved" which we wouldn't know until AFTER chemo and then surgery? That is my understanding. 

    I have never had to deal with cancer on such an intimate basis so I'm trying to learn as much as possible in a short time. Not even knowing what kind of cancer he has is maddening.

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  • EricV
    EricV Member Posts: 64
    edited May 2011

    Jennifer,

    I am a 35 yr old MALE, and I just found out as well that I have Stage IV breast cancer.  I am waiting on my genetic test to start my treatment.

    I have been lurking for a bit to get information, but I decided to join, just to reply to you, and your husband.

    I found that while most of my male friends came up with some really good jokes, but most of them were as scared as me and wanted to know more.  Now I find that all of the guys who gave me a hard time, are my strongest supporters next to my wife.

    I know it may be hard for him, but even letting one other guy know was a great stress relief for me. If he wants help,you can message me, and we can talk since im in the new boat too.

     Good Luck!

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  • Larry44
    Larry44 Member Posts: 53
    edited May 2011

    Dear Hansie,

    Getting through the treatments was difficult for me but doable.  Obviously doable because I made it through and have had no evidence of BC since I was treated, 7 years ago.   Most people are treated and then go on with their lives.   I know the first thought I had when I was told that I had breast cancer was "I could die from this".  COULD was the important word, breast cancer is not necessarily a death sentence.   There are other types of cancer with very low survival rates, the survival rate of breast cancer patients is very high.   The treatment plan for many breast cancer patients is to have chemo first, that is not unusal.

    It takes a lot of energy to keep a secret, your kids already know something is wrong.  I think the sooner you tell them, the better.  I know for me that there was important information obtained by pathology analysis of my breast tissue which was removed during surgery.  The breast cancer journey is one of continuing revelation.   So it may be a while before everything is known about your husband's case.   If he has chemo first, then they need to evaluate the success of the chemo as it goes along.   So if you wait until everything is known to tell your children and close friends, you may well be waiting several months.   It is impossible to hide that something is wrong when one is undergoing chemo.

    Your husband did nothing wrong to get breast cancer.  Keep that in mind.  This situation is not like he did anything bad which needs to be hidden.

    One of the local TV stations here is having a drive for breast cancer today.  I watched the first few minutes of the campaign, men having breast cancer was not mentioned.  I'm going to write to the station.

     

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Oh Eric-

    Sorry that I had to meet you here,on this forum,but thank you for responding to my post. I feel so alone,not to mention how my husband feels! As great as this site is,it IS mostly dedicated to women's breast cancer and finding appropriate forums is not that common. I hope and pray you stick around and post when you feel like it.

    I am happy to hear you have a good support system-I don't care what crisis a person faces: it helps to have support! If your wife wants to talk to me,I 'd be happy to.I came to this forum looking for others in my unfortunate situation. I hope you find comfort in talking to men like Bob and Larry who are Survivors and anyone else! Get strength from whomever you can and bless you in your journey to health!

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  • deborye
    deborye Member Posts: 7,002
    edited May 2011

    Hi Larry!

    Good to see you posting.

    We are mammals, all mammals have breasts whether male of female.

    Richard Roundtree had BC.

    Peter Criss drummer for KISS those are the ones that come to the top of my head.

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Larry-

    Thanks for your story of survival!

    It's so encouraging to hear from men like you and Bob who have so much to share!

    Best of luck in your continuing journey :)

    We are only waiting until ALL of our children are home (the oldest is in college and will be home Saturday. We want to tell them in person.) to let them know as we feel they should be the first ones. Then we will share with others. I'm not sure of the timetable with that,though. As a woman,it is harder for me to not be able to get comfort from friends and family by sharing what we are going through,but it is his wishes I must respect first here.

    Not knowing exactly what to say is hard too.

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  • deborye
    deborye Member Posts: 7,002
    edited May 2011

    HansieDZ~do you have a pathology report or know the type-stage-grade and homonal status of the tumor?

    Not only the community boards but this this website is very informative.  I learned a lot and educated myself from this website.  The community boards and the chat room have been my therapy. 

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Deb-

    The only path report I have is on his biopsies. I have tried to find out the meaning of all the medical terms but have not been very successful.

    I figured it was cancer: he not only a had big lump,but inverted nipple and dimpling as well :( .

    I can't know anything else until surgery (from what I understand) and the intial MO said to do chemo first and then surgery so I want to know WHEN we can stage this and know about the hormonal factors????  The path report on his biopsies said that the genetic testing and other results would be known later.

    We are seeing a doctor in Indianapolis on Friday so we should know more then. I can deal better with the Known,whatever it is (even the worst).

    Like everyone,I want my loved one cured YESTERDAY and not wait around for consults/test/results but I know it doesn't happen that way. I won't be the one going through chemo/surgery/radiation: I just want him CURED and NOW. It kind of is mind-boggling how the docs can say, "well,there's no need to rush into treatment; he's had this for 6 months already" or whatever time period. And my mind is saying "DESTROY this evil thing that could take my husband's life!" So yeah,I am wanting immediate action.  I just want to start this so we can get on the other side of it that much sooner.

     Thanks for listening everyone and replying or even just saying a silent prayer when you read my posts.  Bless us all!

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  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited May 2011

    I'm so happy that some guys are posting! I wish this forum had been around when my Dad was diagnosed... it would have helped him feel like he was not so alone.

    Jennifer...

    When you break the news to your kids, I would just be very honest and straightforward. "Cancer" is always a scary word, and I expect they'll be freaked out. But if you're cool and collected, and let them know that this is a family fight and you intend to WIN, I think they will rise to the occasion. They will take their cue from you and your husband. And you'll gather more information on Friday, so I expect you'll feel a bit more secure when you deliver the news. I know you'll feel such relief when everyone is informed and prepared for what's ahead. Feel free to pm me anytime you like... I can't give you a spouse's perspective on cancer, but I can give you a daughter's. I was my Dad's caregiver for 5 years. Oh yeah, and a patient's perspective too! Oh boy, I'm beginning to sound a bit too much like a cancer professional Frown UGH. I send you my best wishes!

    Eric...  

    So very sorry to read your news. But I will tell you that I was diagnosed at Stage IV in Jan. 2010, and after the year from hell, I'm officially in remission and doing very well. So hang in there, there's a lot of hope. Thank you for telling your story too. All of you men are inspirations to others. Cancer in itself is so isolating... I know that there are other men reading your words and you have given them encouragement.

    All the best to everyone,

    Rose.

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  • ithaca
    ithaca Member Posts: 25
    edited May 2011

    Hi Jennifer (and others) -

    On our Male Breast Cancer facebook page, we have a collection of news articles about guys with breast cancer. So many of us wrestle with how open we should be. I'm happy that it's becoming much more common to be open and to share with others. Here's the link (It's open to everyone!):

     http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=213636679710&ref=ts

     Bob

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    An update from our trip to the IU Medical Center (Simon Cancer Center) in Indianapolis.

    First of all,we both LOVED the Dr.! We felt an immediate connection/rapport/trust with her and her sensitivity and knowledge was the best we've experienced so far.

    We got some more results:  he is ER+ PR+ HER2borderline

    Because of unclear biopsy path reports,this Dr. (MO) was unclear as to the grade and also the borderline diagnosis on the HER2 and whether or not it is actually IDC. So we are having them review that and having a radiologist review his mammography and US charts.

    From what she knows, she classified his cancer as Stage II,mostly likely IDC. Until she gets the other tests/results back,that was as much as she could say.

    Once we get the results of the HER2,we will get started on chemo first as basically 3 doctors (even the surgeon) advised us to. Then surgery,then possibly radiation (depending on the HER2) but definitely hormones.

    I think we both feel much more optimistic after meeting with this Doctor. We have decided who,when and how we are going to tell family and friends which will be in the coming days. 

    Praying for everyone here!

    Jennifer

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  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited May 2011

    Hi Jennifer...

    I'm glad to hear that you like the doctor. This is so important! A good oncologist should put you at ease and make you feel confident that you can tackle this. From the tone of your post it seems like she did just that! So glad that you are on track... I send you and your husband my very best wishes... 

    Rose.   

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  • HansieDZ
    HansieDZ Member Posts: 115
    edited May 2011

    Thank you Rose :)

    It helps so much having this site to turn to for information and the people here to listen,advise,encourage and inspire.

    Blessings!

    Jennifer

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