Prostheses versus flat chested?

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scc218
scc218 Member Posts: 163
edited June 2014 in Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
I had bilateral mastectomy on 2/25/11 without reconstruction and no plans to do so.  At 57, I don't have a problem not having boobs -- the flat-chested look doesn't really bother me.  In fact, I thought one of the only good things to come out of this whole BC thing was that I would never have to wear a bra again!  Smile  However, last week, my husband informed me that I need to get some fake boobs.  It really threw me for a loop and upset me greatly.  But, he is part of this whole thing, too and has been so supportive and caring every step of the way, so I feel that I should value his opinion and wishes.  I told him I don't even want to think about it until I'm not with chemo and radiation, which he is fine with.  Has anybody else encountered the same thing?  Or has anybody else opted for no prostheses and just gone with the flat-chested look?  He said he's not worried about my hair falling out (even offered to shave his head, too) because he said my hair doesn't define me/isn't who I am.  I tried to use the same logic and say that my boobs aren't who I am either, so why do I need to wear fake ones?  Just curious to hear any other thoughts.  Thanks.
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  • hymil
    hymil Member Posts: 826
    edited April 2011

    It sounds like he's concerned about your public appearance; since if it was to do with what happens in private, he would be suggesting reconstruction? Or maybe i'm missing something here. He is certainly implying that your (apparent) figure does define you, and I can't see why, does he think it reflects on him somehow? Or maybe it's because over the years he has seen ladies' hair come and go, longer shorter permed straight and changing colour like the leaves, nobody usually (outside the cancer scenario) gets upset when six months growth goes on the floor....and maybe also conscious that he cannot keep his own hair forever! But even through all the life changes of womanhood, he's never seen your boobs change so dramatically....( and has hopefully limited experience of other ladies' boobs, unless he spends time cruising sites you don't want to know about!) Maybe his mother was well-endowed, and he just cannot imagine a woman without them? Uh, you could suggest he tries on some falsies, and sees how he likes living a lie when you are coping with going real as you are? He is being very illogical, prehaps it's part of his greiving for your loss?

    Hoping you can keep him talking to explain why it matters so much to him - and hope that by the time you are done through the other treatments, he has probably got used to the new look? He needs to think through all the pain and risks to you of additional surgery that's not medically necessary, it's your body that would be suffering, is that what he wants?. Wishing you luck. -- hymil: uni'boober one year out.

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  • nagem
    nagem Member Posts: 353
    edited April 2011

    I would revisit the topic when you've both had a little more experience of your boobfreeness. He may get used to it. You may begin feeling self-conscious. Fortunately you have nonpermanent options to experiment with. So you can both see how you feel with and without. I've revisited my choices many times over the past five years. Initially I was breast free all the way. Now I wear falsies to work only. I've also explored the range of products and developed some homemade devices that work pretty well.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2011

    I'm with JB on this one. I'm known to say "Why should I wear fake boobs to make YOU feel better!!!?" I LOVE being flat and also love the fact that I'll never wear a bra again!! I've been mother-of-the-bride AND mother-of-the-groom since my double mast and stood proudly with my kids. I was at a 5-star resort on holiday and walked around the pool as if I had the best two out there. I, too, actually feel sexier now than when I was lugging my 42Ds around. Everyone around me has breasts....I don't! Lovin' it!

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  • scc218
    scc218 Member Posts: 163
    edited April 2011

    Thank you all for your feedback.  Sure do appreciate it.  I agree with all of you.  I think we need more time.  I'm definitely not doing anything about it until after chemo and radiation, and that will be about 5-6 months from now.  Maybe by then he'll be okay with it.  If I AM okay with it, why shouldn't he be?  And Barbe -- I couldn't agree with you more -- why should I wear fake boobs to make YOU feel better?!  It's not going to make me feel any better.  In fact, it might make me a bit resentful.  Hymil -- I did suggest that he wear them!  He said to me, "What's the big deal?  You're used to wearing a bra anyway?"  I said, "If it's no big deal, why don't you try wearing them?!"  We'll get through this, and he is so "there" for me in every other respect, so I'm not really complaining.  Maybe he'll change his tune down the road.  If not, maybe I'll get some falsies just to wear when we go out to dinner or something if that makes him happy.  Time will tell.  Thanks for your thoughts and comments.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2011

    Suzy, I've been on the boards long enough to read of many women who buy expensive wigs and/or expensive foobs and then wear them once and put them in a drawer! And also long enough to read of women who get recon and regret it.

    Tell you DH that you'll wear foobs out if he will! ehehehehehehe

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  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 34,614
    edited April 2011

    Hi Suzy, I opted out of recon for reasons of health & convenience.  Have not regretted it.  I did give my DH an opportunity for input and he wasn't hung up about bumps in my blouse.  I'm living my live just as before although I did get rid of tops with bust darts.  Flat is one thing, empty is another.  Love Love Love not wearing a bra.  Best wishes for chemo & rads!  {{hugs}}

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2011

    JB, one of the reasons I have stayed on bco for so long is that I read of so many women who were terrified about a mast and/or feeling like they "had" to get recon or wear foobs. It bothered me and I continue to post about how truly freeing it is to not ever wear a bra again! I've seen a trend in the past couple of years where getting recon isn't necessarily the first thought. I came here to read about recon and the horror stories I read quickly helped me make up my mind! The scarring is worse by far than my flat chest and I never have a problem telling it like it is.

    I wish I had been able to read from someone like me before I had my surgery. It would have put my mind to rest, especially about the lack of pain. When I read post after post about women in pain with their TEs or the 'bands around their chests' with pain from lat flaps and other processes, it just validated my decision.

    So yep! I agree with you here! Kiss

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2011

    The other reason I'm on here so much is that I look VERY busy at work when people pass my office! ehehehehehehe (and the word games of course!!)

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  • sespebadger
    sespebadger Member Posts: 249
    edited April 2011

    Hi scc218,

    I had a BMX no recon last July, am 50 and have a husband. Hey you and I are almost like twins!

    Anyway, here's my two cents. I wear microbead forms about half the time, mostly when I am out and about. They are inexpensive and comfortable. I have yet to get more expensive protheses. Why are they so expensive? Anyway, I digress. I go flat at home and sometimes in public, if I am wearing layers.I find a little padding on top helps balance my hips and tummy!!

    I imagine your husband is having a hard time with the change. I noticed that it has just been about a month, so both of you are processing a lot right now. While I believe that you come first, I also know that having a loving, supportive partner is about the best thing one can have in life. So, you could consider wearing the light-weight, comfortable micro-bead forms ocassionally. I wear mine in sports bras from Target. Go flat as well. Soon, he will likely gett used to your flat look. In the meantime, during this period of change, he gets to see you looking like you looked before, and that is probably comforting to him. My husband initially said that when I wore the forms he believed I had breasts. Mind you, for reasons of comfort, I never wore them when being intimate with him and he was fine with that. And now, after about 8 months he is saying to me, "I like your flat look." I think time allowed him to find the new me attractive. So I am suggesting that you might give your husband time to adjust as well.

    Best wishes to you while going through all this! It will all get easier with time. .

     And Barbe1958: Get Back to Wok!!! hehehehehehe

         

    S
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  • sespebadger
    sespebadger Member Posts: 249
    edited April 2011
    That would be WORK, Barbe!.Unless you work in a Chinese restaurant.
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  • scc218
    scc218 Member Posts: 163
    edited April 2011

    Thank you, Sespebadger.  I sppreciate your thoughts.  Yes, I'm hoping time will help "heal the wounds."  Where do you get the microbead forms?  I went to one "shop" and she had very expensive forms -- like $300/boob -- totally against my principles to pay that kind of money for fake boobs.  It probably is the change my husband is having a hard time with.  He did say that he thought a "little something" would improve my appearance.  He said, "Nothing big, just a little something."  I'm sure I'll break down and get something to make him happy because, after all, I am so thankful that I have such a supportive, caring husband right now.  This would be a tough journey to take by myself.  I do have a big supportive family as well, but they all live hundreds/thousands of miles away. 

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  • LizR
    LizR Member Posts: 330
    edited April 2011

    Hi!  I just researched this for someone (I wore a prosthetic after a uni-mastectomy for 5 years and then had reconstruction in 2010).  They have great inexpensive mircrobead/fiberfill forms at the American Cancer Society "TLC" catalog / online. Here is the link:

    http://www.tlcdirect.org/depts/AmericanCancerSocietyFoamBreastForms.html?

    Here is the link to their sew-in pocket - to help hold the forms (great for exercise bras):

    http://www.tlcdirect.org/subcategory/AmericanCancerSocietySewInBraPockets.html?

    Check your insurance - they should cover prosthetics and bras (though you may be subject to a deductible/co-pay).  Good luck! Liz

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  • LindaLou53
    LindaLou53 Member Posts: 929
    edited April 2011

    Hi Suzy! Liz beat me to the punch posting about the TLC micro bead forms. Here is the direct link to the actual micro bead page. They are only $40 each and extremely comfortable.

    http://www.tlcdirect.org/products/product.aspx?sku=8139

    You should also check out the BreastFree.org website for TONS of very helpful information about where to find comfortable bras, swimsuits, prosthesis plus many pics and personal stories of women who chose to be breast free.

    I also bumped up an old post for you that you may find helpful. It is called The Flat Look vs Prosthesis. I have been breast free for over 5 years now and totally happy with my decision not to reconstruct. In the last year though I have taken to wearing the micro bead forms when I want to look especially nice or just when I feel my clothing needs a little filling out for better appearance. I still go totally flat the majority of the time.

    I think Sesebadger has made some very insightful comments to you and would agree that your husband most likely needs time to adjust to all the changes. You are so lucky to have a supportive and caring husband! I know you want him to be comfortable with your decision and occasionally wearing a prosthesis for those special outings is a little price to pay in a loving relationship. I bet your husband ultimately also wants you to be comfortable and happy. Give it a little more time for both of you to adjust and one day I suspect it will no longer be a topic of concern for either of you.
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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2011

    One thing I did do, was have my DH rub a cream into my wound every night. It helped keep the skin loose, helped with the itching as I healed and in retrospect, got him used to the sight of the wound way before I did.

    Also, your DH may be picking up signals from you. If you are hesitant or uncomfortable flat, he'd see and/or sense that. Give it a deep thought.....are you ready to wear a bra again?

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2011

    LindaLou!!!! I LOVE you!!! I don't meet you often on threads, but you were the one who made up my mind. With your pics of flat/not flat, it helped me see that there wasn't enough difference to really notice. Thanks again sweetie! Kiss

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  • LindaLou53
    LindaLou53 Member Posts: 929
    edited April 2011
    LOL!  Hi Barbe!  I'm still around....just not as active on the forums as I used to be.  Life is busy but good.  Glad my post was helpful to you....can't believe that was 4 years ago! Time keeps marching on which is just fine with me as long as I'm around to see it!  Smile
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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2011
    3 years ago, but who's counting! eheheheheheh You are on of the reasons I stick around here as your thread was so life altering for me that I hope I can help even one person the way you helped me! Kiss
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  • hymil
    hymil Member Posts: 826
    edited April 2011

    "Get back to wok", LOL sespe Laughing

    He did say that he thought a "little something" would improve my appearance.  He said, "Nothing big, just a little something."   New glasses maybe, or the old ones filled with some decent wine?.. it's always time for a little something! or maybe try another sort of something different, a new hair colour or style, Uh I'm sorry maybe not the hair if you're lining up for chemo that was insensitive of me and im apologising.. could you find a new look in some other non-chest way? Wishing you every success on this one.

    The microbead beanie boobs are really good, especially inside a pocketed bra. I've experimented with a range of options and they really are the most secure. Fibrefill is good, comfortable etc, but doesnt seem to bounce quite right but much cheaper than other falsies.

    Barbe, you and Breastfree-Erica have been a real encouragment here for me too, Thankyou! People don't seem to notice half as much as we expect, most of them go by vague impressions not details. I remember once years ago when I first had highlights put in my hair, (before i bowed out gracefully to silver) and my then partner knew i looked somehow different but couldn't put his finger on it, he hadn't a clue what i had actually had done!

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  • sespebadger
    sespebadger Member Posts: 249
    edited April 2011

    I am also a fan of LindaLou53! I really appreciated her photos of you wearing forms and not wearing forms.

    When I first started this cancer journey in December of 2009 I assumed I would have reconstruction, because all my docs talked about it. But then I started to read on this site and decided that recon took a lot more time and effort than they seemed to be indicating. I'm happy I found women here who were comfortable choosing another path. So far I'm comfortable with it.

    scc218, you've gotten good links for the microbead forms. Here's something else to think of. I ordered two sets, one the size of my breasts and one the size smaller. Turns out I prefer the smaller ones. I feel I have a more youthful silhouette with the smaller ones. And I'm thinking for summer, a set of even smaller ones would be nice. When I exercise and sweat, I wear the shapes that came in my mastectomy camisole. I stuff them with a little fiberfill.  

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  • cinnamonsmiles
    cinnamonsmiles Member Posts: 779
    edited April 2011

    I had a bilateral mastectomy with snb on 1/11/11. I didn't have any plans on getting prosthetics until my mother and my partner suggested I get some "just in case." My mother pointed out I may not always have insurance so I should get them while they are almost totally paid for. My partner suggested because he said maybe I would want to wear them someday. Unfortunately my recovery has been slow and painful. I have severe post pastectomy syndrome that I am being treated for. Even with the pain,lack of range of motion, numbness, burning etc, I am happy with my mastectomy. I,too, love going braless. At first I had a very hard time with not being totally flat, I do have small hump-like "breasts." As long as they are not noticeable it is getting better. And when I wear certain shirts at home, my partner gets the illusion of looking at fake cleavage. I am not going to even second guess at what your husband meant by that. That is for you, not me.

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  • sespebadger
    sespebadger Member Posts: 249
    edited April 2011

    mycinnamon,

    I'm sorry your recovery has been slow and painful. I hope you feel better very soon.

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  • beacon800
    beacon800 Member Posts: 922
    edited April 2011

    Wanted to chime in about the excellent micro bead foobs on TLC.  Love those and have them in 3 sizes.

    I can see where your husband is feeling like he wants to see some foobs on  you.  Sometimes, a flat chest might remind him about everything you two are going through.  I kinda felt that way a bit.  Meaning I just wanted to look like "everyone else", so I would perceive myself as "normal".  I got over those feelings, but it took some time.

    I go flat most all the time in the house and my husband doesn't mind it.  I have asked him several times if he minds it and I think he would be honest.  He did tell me that it took a bit of time to "get used to it", but that it is perfectly fine.

    I like using the foobs when I leave home as I feel good like that.  I can make things look better than they did before and I feel quite the sexy gal :) 

    Hope all continues well for you!

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  • scc218
    scc218 Member Posts: 163
    edited April 2011

    Thank you all so much for your helpful hints, advice, suggestions, comments.  Sorry I've been away from the board for awhile.  Trying to conquer SEs, dealing with company, work, etc.  Feeling really good today -- even went kayaking with my husband this morning.  I really do appreciate all your help with this delicate topic.  I am SO totally fine with being flat (I'm 7 1/2 weeks out from my mastectomy) and totally love not wearing a bra.  But I'm sure I'm going to break down and get some of those microbead foobs -- for those occasional times when we go out and my husband would like a little different look. 

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  • epgnyc
    epgnyc Member Posts: 101
    edited May 2011

    I've read all these posts with great interest.  I'm single so I can do as I please -- wear my breast forms or not as the mood takes me.  Could it be that your husband doesn't think your clothes fit well when you're flat?  I know that with some of my clothing, I really need to wear the breast prostheses for the clothes to look decent.  If that is the problem, you can always buy some new things that will fit fine with your new, flatter look.

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  • walker2222
    walker2222 Member Posts: 558
    edited May 2011

    I have been poking around getting info on prostesis/no prostesis since I am getting my last TE (left one) taken out, the other was taken out due to infection.  I had a heart to heart with my DH about if he could look at me without boobs.  Love him, he said of course.  He has seen what I have gone through with the infections and doesn't that to happen again.  The only thing I need to remember is when I take my right foob out after work not to leave it in the TV room.  I have a 15yr DS.

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