Showing the scars

Dear Seagan,

What you are feeling is perfectly normal, if not exactly rational.  I read two books last week that someone had given me after my bilat in 2006, no recon.  (Yes, 5 years later!) One of them deals in depth with her inability to show herself to a man.  My husband saw my chest the same time I did, though neither of us expected it.  I thought there would be a big gauze bandage over my new wounds, so when the surgeon came in and looked, I glanced down that first day.  Wow!  There were the scars, as he had glued them together, and there was nothing but the bloody glue and a bunch of iodine on my chest!  I remember thinking, "If I had known, I wouldn't have looked, but I'm glad I saw them, and I don't have to dread it!"  So my husband saw my scars at various times, but I have found that I still try to have something on when he is around.  My scars are not awful, though they are a lot wider than I had expected.  I think the glue doesn't work as well as the steri-strips.  But finally they are fading.  I take a long time to fade from red to pink, and eventually they will be more skin-colored.  Anyhow, I think it is hard for us to feel comfortable showing what we are not happy with.  I'd recommend that you let your DH see them in a non-sexual encounter, and then when you get more comfortable (obviously that can take years for some of us), you might want to move on to more exposure.  I imagine your husband loves you for who you are and not what is on your chest, and trusting him to continue to love you and want you will give you both peace of mind.  That's just my 2 cents worth.  Scary is normal!

Dawn 

Hi Seagan,

I agree with what both boobsinabox and celtic-spirit said. I had BMX no recon last July. I had my husband help with drains from day one, so he saw. I needed the moral support. I was worried he would find me unattractive. He assures me he still finds me attractive. If I were you I would let him see, as boobsinabox suggested, at some non-sexual time to begin with. I would just start getting dressed in front of him. After surgery I had rads, and eventually I felt well enough to get back to having a little fun in my life, if you get my drift. I was nervous at first, but got over that pretty quick. I wear some kind of pretty camisole whenever we are intimate. I just find it prettier than my chest. The scars do heal, but slowly, in my opinion. If you wait until it looks all better, you might be waiting a while.  We enjoy our intimate life just as we used to. Healing and feeling good about yourself takes time. Give yourself time to heal, but think about letting your husband be part of that healing. Best wishes to you.  

I have the opposite issue.  My boyfriend is afraid to look at my scars.  He doesn't want to see them because he's afraid he might be grossed out or disgusted and he doesn't want to feel that way and he doesn't want to hurt me.  So for the past month since surgery, he's avoided me, we've not spent the night together, not even to just sleep together which is something we used to do all the time on weekends.

At least he was able to tell me today, I felt better once I knew what was really going on.  I'm not sure what to do to make him more comfortable but I worry that the longer we wait the worse it will be. 

seagan, So glad to hear that you had a good experience with your husband. I remember thinking a lot about how I looked and mourning the loss of my breasts during the first months after surgery. I remember wondering if I had done the right thing. I really am over that now, I think because my energy is finally back (I had chemo before the surgery and rads after) and it's been nine months. I definitely think I did the right thing. When I stretch at night I feel my breasts and am hopeful I can catch any recurrance. I hope you have clear results from your bone and CT scans.