Anyone else single, no x, no kids, no sibs, no support

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CynthiainChicago
CynthiainChicago Member Posts: 27
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

Wondering if anyone else out there is alone. It is very hard not to have anyone there every night, or even once a week!  In twenty weeks of chemo there were only 4 times someone went with me. Forget even getting a ride home. The last 6 weeks I drove myself back and forth to chemo. Local acquaintances and church soccer mom's way too busy to help more than one time, if that.

Unfortunately, I never found the man of my dreams, so I never had children to live for or to lower my breast cancer risk. (I would have loved to have kids.) I have no sibblings, and a couple of the few cousins I have cut off all contact after diagnosis. (Way too busy with work and kids. I'm being ridiculous suggesting I might die.) One of the cousins who is a nurse who told the family I would get chemo and be fine. She denied that my diagnosis is Stage III ( 8+nodes). Only one of my seven cousins (sounds like counting positive nodes) visited me in 14 months of treatment.

A semi-retired doctor I dated said it was too stressful to visit me because I live in another city (couldn't I keep flying up to see him? - which I did through week 10 because there sure wasn't anyone else to play with.) Aside from the one cousin who did stay with me overnight several times due to a "risk of cardiac events" from my treatment regime, I have one heroic British friend who gave up two weeks of her vacation and baby sat me at my treatment low.

So, is there anyone else out there who reads stuff that says "your care giver" and thinks, ahh..that would be me. 

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited March 2011

    Cynthia,

    I am so sorry that you are going this alone.  Although I'm married with two wonderful boys, I was my own caregiver throughout my treatments and recovery.  When I was diagnosed, my husband had been a 3 year brain cancer survivor, and he found out his was back the same week I was diagnosed, so I was taking care of the kids, him and myself.  I do have great friends and a church family, but still on a daily basis it was all me.  It was really tough to deal with the reality of both of us facing cancer with two kids to take care of.  I remember a couple of times having to take my kids to treatments with me because something happened with their daycare situation and I had no choice. 

    I do know that there are a lot of loving and kind people out there willing to help you, and you have to figure out the best places to find them.  Can you join a local gym?  Many have low singles rates.  Are you interested in cooking or dancing?  What do you like to do that brings you peace and happiness?

    I hope that you find that outlet for you that helps you to bring more people into your life.  Cancer can indeed be a tough thing to go alone, but I have found great support and friends right here, and have met a few in person!

    Hugs

    Bobbie

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2011

     Cynthia,  I'm so sorry you are doing this without the support you need.  Chemo is horrible to go thru and it's a time when you need someone there for you to understand what you are going thru. I haven't been on the board for a few weeks but came back tonight and saw your post.  Just want you to know the stage III girls here will be here for you.  Give in to your feelings and don't let anyone tell you to be positive. That's the line we all get from everyone that learns we have stage III BC.  Being positive only makes them feel better about telling you that.  There will be days you feel positive and days you just won't.  So on those days you feel really down and no one is there to talk to, just remind yourself you will get thru this, and when you feel strong enough take nice long walks where you enjoy being.  For me it's by the ocean.

    image

    Barb

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  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited March 2011

    I am so sorry you feel so alone, this journey is hard enough even with support!

    I  believe we are never totally alone though, I do believe God carrie's us when we feel so weary and lonely we think we can't take another day. I clung to Him every day, and please remmember

    your sister's are here for you always!

     Maybe there's a support group you could look into, it's not for everyone, but there are some great ones out there.

    God Bless

     Stephanie

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  • writerchick
    writerchick Member Posts: 19
    edited March 2011

    Cynthia, I'm possibly one of the rare people who do understand where you are coming from. We only children are just made from different stuff, you know. I live far from any family member, never married, no children. I have always found it difficult to ask anyone for help, so for me, driving myself to my own surgery, to nearly two months of daily radiation, and to all the doctors and treatments and meetings and tests was my normal. I think what hurt the most was being ignored by my oldest friend. I was very grateful for friends who did show they cared, and this whole experience brought to my attention just what the word friend meant. I wish you the best, and as one only child to another, I'm sure you'll weather this.

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  • kathleen1966
    kathleen1966 Member Posts: 793
    edited March 2011

    I am sorry that you are feeling soo alone.  It is hard enough having to go through this without having to add feeling this way to our stress and worries.  Is there a Gilda's club near you? I think you may find it very supporting to be with others who may be feeling what you are feeling.  And they have numerous wellness types of activities that will connect you further to others in treatment.  Such as Yoga, meditation, knitting, art, etc.....They have support groups.  I see people all the time talking to each other in the lounge. What city do you live in or near?  I could help you locate services if you'd like. Send me a private message.  I also signed up on a web site called lotsahelpinghands.com then send e-mails out to people/friends/neighbors that I knew (or didn't really know but had their e-mail address).  Though I didn't need to coordinate rides, I got numerous meals, play dates and just general support from a huge amount of people. Some I barely knew. When I asked for help, they came in droves. And I am not the ask for help type.  I knew I had to do this. And yes, I had a couple of friends, whom I thought would be there, that disappeared.  We all need support.  I hope that you look into these two suggestions.  There are others, I just need to go find my pamphlets on them.  I live in Pittsburgh, PA. 

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  • kathleen1966
    kathleen1966 Member Posts: 793
    edited March 2011
    And I guess your user name should have given away where you live Smile.  There HAS to be a Gilda's club in Chicago and likely numerous other services. I would love to help.
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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited March 2011

    I'm in the same boat Cynthia.  It sure can suck. 

    I hope it's OK I popped into your forum, but Cynthia's thread really spoke to me and I wanted to say you're not the only one having to do this on your own. 

    Take good care of yourself Cynthia,

    Elizabeth

    xox

    Edit to add:  the support from the women here on this site has been phenomenal.  Couldn't get through this without them.

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  • americanpinay
    americanpinay Member Posts: 338
    edited March 2011

    (((Cynthia))) Sorry to hear you're having to go through this alone. BC diagnosis is hard enough as it is. But I believe most people are stronger than they think. You can do this. Take care.

    Hi Konakat...glad to see you here...hope all is going well with your WBR...that should be behind you pretty soon...take care, ok?

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  • Moissy
    Moissy Member Posts: 550
    edited March 2011

    Cynthia,

    I'm sorry you are going through this. Cancer can be such an isolating experience even when there are others around. It feels to us like the world has stopped, while we watch others going on just as normal. I am one of those people who has a tendency to pull way back from people. But I have learned at least for myself if I don't say what I may need, most people don't really know what to do.

    You mentioned church soccer moms. Is it possible that there is some other connection you can make at church by talking privately with a pastor? Sometimes there's an underground support system or deacons group that provides meals or support in time of need. 

     For those of us who tend to have more solitary lives, it can be a challenge to connect. It sounds like you have reached out to people already, but maybe you just haven't yet connected with the right people for you. As others have mentioned, more organized groups may help you get introduced to a new circle of people who can wrap their arms around you in a better way than you are experiencing now. Maybe a call to Komen in your area might help connect you with other people who can provide support and who understand that it helps to talk with people who understand what we're going through.

    Know that you are not alone. On those times when you feel that way, sign on and somebody here will be along soon. Sending hugs.

    Moissy

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  • Cat123
    Cat123 Member Posts: 296
    edited March 2011

    Hello, I am also single, no hubby, no kids.  I am lucky that I have some really great friends.  Going through cancer can be very isolating as some people cannot handle it.  I drive myself to chemo although friends have offered to come with me but I would rather go alone.  Is that weird?  I find that it is better if I just zone out during treatment....my ipod helps!  This is a very lonely time in our lives but even for some women who are married and have kids, they can be very alone too.  I have read threads that husbands and kids have not been supportive and that can be worse than being alone.  Try to connect with people through support groups and remember, breast cancer.org is a great resource.  You can also PM whenever you feel like it and we can chat.  We can get through this together!  Would love to chat if you feel like it.  My thoughts are with you.

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  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited March 2011

    ((((hugs))))

    i was single; no kids...etc.  however, i did have friends who checked up on me.  i really got a lot out of my support group; which i looked forward to each week. 

    take it one day at a time.  hang in there and never give up

    d

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  • CynthiainChicago
    CynthiainChicago Member Posts: 27
    edited April 2011

    Thanks for your support. I never used one of these boards before and frankly was surprised to get responses so quickly. There are Gilda's clubs etc, but I have not yet met one other Stage 3 patient. I have met dozens of Stage 1s mostly in their sixties, a few in their seventies, only one under fifty. I am glad that these people have a stellar prognosis, but that isn't where I am at. My radiation oncologist wasn't even treating a single stage II patient, let alone stage 3. "No one is diagnosed as a stage 3 unless they skip their mamograms and ignore the signs."

    No doc or psych would think of saying to a stage 1 what people have said to me. The head social worker at the nearest Wellness Center (like Gilda's club) in Chicago told me I was pre-terminal and in her experience would progress to terminal and death and she would help me with that. At my local hospital a support group of stage 1s ganged up on me about how I let it get so far. (I never missed an annual digital mamogram and saw three MDs about a lump under my arm before one would order a biopsy since my mammograms from the top breast center in Chicago were all read as normal.)  Then the facilitator started talking about how sad it was to be a hospise nurse and see people dying from this disease. 

     I really have tried. The people the most willing to reach out have been other people with rsiky diagnoses. So three of the best friends I've made in the past year are all ...dying. It makes me feel a little like I am being sucked into a vortex. I have signed up to run with the Be Bright Pink organization in hopes of meeting someone else whose main concern isn't her 86 year old husband or 10 greandchildren. 

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  • CynthiainChicago
    CynthiainChicago Member Posts: 27
    edited April 2011

    Thanks to everyone who reached out. I am struggling, but not giving up! Very Best wishes for you all.

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  • Lisa75
    Lisa75 Member Posts: 137
    edited January 2012

    I just saw this thread and am in the same situation. My mom never learned to drive and lives far anyway. I hate bugging friends but luckily have one that will drive me back home from the lumpectomy. I had almost planned to stay in a hotel nearby, but they were strict on saying my adult driver cannot be a taxi or hotel shuttle. sigh

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  • Char2010
    Char2010 Member Posts: 532
    edited January 2012

    Cynthia - There is a wonderful discussion group here called Illinois Ladies, very supportive. Also, I live in Chicgo and will be glad to help - PM me if interested. My divorce was finalized in August 2009 (after being married 22 years, no kids) and diagnosed with BC in February 2010. I do have a great group of friends though and they are very supportive. Also brother and sister-in-law always there for me.

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  • Char2010
    Char2010 Member Posts: 532
    edited January 2012

    Cat123 -I did not want anyone with me during chemo either. Took stuff to read and my iPod. But a different friend met me right after and spent the whole weekend with me after each treatment - and that was so great. In some ways I was glad that I was not married while dealing with BC - could do (and still do) what ever I felt like. My ex would have been griping constantly about how my treatments interfere with his life :-(

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  • Lisa75
    Lisa75 Member Posts: 137
    edited March 2012

    I had several old high school friends on my facebook page, who volunteered to help me after my surgery out of nowhere. I was amazed. They brought me extra groceries (I had thought I had stocked up enough), and came to see me in the hospital. I hadn't seen them in years, but was so grateful for their assistance. My other current life adult friends would call or text, which is wonderful too but never expected the xtra mile from the others.

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  • financegirl
    financegirl Member Posts: 114
    edited March 2012

    I am single, no kids.  If I didn't know better I'd think cat123 and I were the same person!   I wanted to go to chemo alone but did need rides to/from.  Also, as others have written, just because you have no siblings/husband doesn't mean if you did have them that they'd be there for you.  I live pretty rural and had treatment 1.5 hours away.  My sibs all still work so when they asked what they could do (all live within a half hour of me) I asked if they could check on the house, take in my mail, cut the grass, things that could be done easily on the way home from work or on weekends.  Came home after second treatment to papers in the driveway, mail coming out of the mailbox, only thing missing was the sign "no one here, come on in".    I had to literally have a family meeting and asked if they realized I had cancer, not a cold. 

    OTOH I had two friends I've known for over 20 years who set up rides to chemo, set up small surprises during certain milestones (before first chemo, mid chemo, last chemo, etc). so I'd have things to look forward to.  They called every other day to check to see how I was doing.  I also liked doing chemo alone - they'd pick me up, take me to the doctor's office, and go to a nearby  shopping center and swing by and pick me up and drive me home which worked great.  The next day one of them would drive me up to get my Neulasta shot.  There's been a guy in my life for decades but he has his own medical difficulties. 

    During radiation, I was able to drive myself and became good friends with the woman who had the session before me.  We'd be there in the waiting room and struck up a conversation early on.  We began a day apart and she finished a few days before me but on her last day she waited for me and we went out to breakfast. 

    So, just saying - in my case family kind of let me down but sometimes (as I found) you sometimes have to find support wherever you can. 

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