So, how do I know what my risk of recurrence actually is?
I haven't thought about this for a while. It came up because of dating - guy worried about getting involved with me because he's afraid of getting hurt in 10 years when I die...but I don't think I'm going to die that soon...ha ha. I used to be completely obsessed with thinking I would die soon.
But the reality is that if I had stage 1, with no invasion of lymph nodes, a mastectomy 2 years ago - how can I figure out my actual risk - esp. as compared to a woman who has not had BC?
Andrea
Comments
-
I'd worry more about that guy! Nice thing to throw into a date, huh???
-
I'd want to know if he wears his seat belt. Does he come with a warranty that he's going to be alive in ten or even five years???!!!!!
-
Well, I suppose it sounds bad, yes. There are no guarantees for anyone, of course. But if you think about it, it is a big deal to get into a serious relationship with someone. I am not sure yet whether I think it's a bad thing that he expressed his concern about going through another loss (his 1st marriage ending in divorce being the 1st loss).
So yes, I am trying to come up with some sort of % for myself to compare to the % risk of a woman of my age and background who has not yet had BC. I'm only 2 years out, so I'm not close to that 5 year big deal yet.
-
There is an article in Tuesday's NY Times about a doctor whose wife has been undergoing breast cancer treatment. It is in the health section. I suggest you read the article and more importantly , the readers' comments. He and his wife asked the oncologist for her prognosis numbers.
Good luck to you. Sorry for being brutally honest in my other post. Life can, sometimes, be brutal. But hopefully, we can all learn from those experiences and make life better. -
What kind of warranty does he come with? Can he guarantee he will be alive in 10 years? Sounds like he is looking for a way out...sorry to be so honest but if it looks like a duck...you know the rest.
-
voraciousreader "come with a warranty"
Justsaying maybe you need to wear a "best if purchased by" sicker on your head on your next date. Either or consult the crystal ball.
Seriously. I've been married for 16 years now to my husband. Even if I only had 10 years with him would be so glad I did. Part of life is life ending. No one can predict. I met a 20 year cancer survivor (14 years stage IV) and she's still going!
Your onc should be able to give you some idea but your prognosis is pretty good that you will be alive and NED in 10 years. That means you will be living beyond 10 years.
-
Ok so are you all saying I should not pursue this guy?
I am so in need of someone who cares about me after going through all of this horror with a husband who wouldn't even take time off work to go to my biopsies, most of my surgeries, almost all of my doctor's appts, or any of my infusions. I need someone who cares about me. I have so much caring I want to give to someone, too. I'm not an unattractive woman, I keep myself quite fit too. What should I do? Are you all saying I should not pursue this guy? I know it's fun to make the cute little jabs but seriously, I am looking for real advice here, not smart quips.
-
Andrea - One of my dearest friends had an alcoholic husband who was also a physician. For many years she enabled him. She also was responsible for taking care of her ill mother for many years as well. Then, one of her children gave birth to a child with profound autism. The poor woman didn't know if she was coming or going. What she finally did, was, she began therapy. It brought her strength. After several years, she finally found the strength to leave her husband. Believe me how hard she tried to get him into recovery. Likewise, she was frightened of being alone. But she did it. It's been several years now and she's met a widower that is wild about her. She's not sure where the relationship will lead, but for now, she feels so good about her life with him. So where am I going with this?
You mustn't be afraid of being alone. Just like I used to tell my daughter, it's okay to be by yourself. Once you take comfort in being by yourself, do things that make YOU happy. Once you are comfortable with being by yourself and doing things that you enjoy doing...then you will find people that share in YOUR happiness and perhaps you will find THAT special person to enjoy your life with.
I highly recommend reading Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving:
-
One more thing...you want to meet someone from the point of strength...not from the point of weakness.
-
voracious - first, thanks for the reply. My ex is and was an alcoholic for most of our 14 year marriage. I have a son with very serious cerebral palsey from birth - and I was 19 at the time he was born (he does not live at home anymore, hasn't since he was 12) also have a son with autism - not profound, but still. So I know hard times. I just want to find a man who will be there for me. I have been feeling pretty pathetic lately. I was at the hospital on Friday for my clinical trial infusion, and I swear I'm always the only one there alone. Always.
I don't think I understand that I want to meet someone from a point of strength and not weakness. I am ALWAYS the strong one. Freaking SICK of it right now.
-
Give yourself credit! If you are strong then don't settle for weak. Being strong doesn't mean you can't be emotional. You can be emotional and accept comfort and support... But strength gives you the power to decide how much of each you want and need. Read some of Fromm. Loving require work. It is an active verb. It requires energy. I wish you well and hope you find someone deserving of your love.
-
Andrea, dear heart, this is not a keeper, this is a fish you throw back. If you were my daughter, that is what I'd tell you.
I would not let the door hit him (or perhaps I would) on his way out of it.
If you seriously want a prognosis or a percentage, then you could ask your onc I suppose. I believe most of that one is up to god, tho.
We are all dying. Life is fatal and no one's getting out alive, not this guy, either. This man is an A******le, hon. You are young, pretty, and have been thru alot. You need a man, not a jerk. One will find your light.
-
JustSaying Actually I'm not saying not to date this guy… yet. Only you can make that judgement. He might just be scared. He might have lost someone to cancer who knows.
My husband is over 10 years older than me and smokes. We always assumed he would go first. Of course now not so sure. (his mom lived to 86 and a huge smoker).
I think you need to let this guy that you can't give him any guarantees nor can he give you any guarantees. Can he promise you he won't have a heart attack in the next 10 years? Then I would give him the "If you want to continue dating then call. but I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to make up your mind so don't take too long deciding."
And don't be afraid to be alone. As you know it's much more lonely to be in a bad relationship then to be alone.
-
Voracious Reader- great suggestions!!!
you rock
Chocolate
-
Hmm...I would be very offended if I was dating someone who was afraid to love me because I may die.
Would the percentages change things?
-
Dear Justsaying:
geez Louise - life is difficult. I have no good advice nor any solution to your question. All I know is ... even when you're with someone special - who truly loves you, like my husband does....you're still alone in facing this beast of cancer.
What you are feeling is felt by each and every one of us - that's why, I think, we turn to these boards -- to others who understand where we are and what we are facing. Our spouses, our lovers, our children, our friends...they just don't experience this thing we're dealing with.
Do whatever gives YOU happiness. If this guy makes you truly happy, what the hell - grab the happiness for as long as it lasts. Our lives are short enough, even if we live to 86!
As for his questions...tell the truth. You could survive this cancer (the odds are good for your stage) and get hit by a bus tomorrow. You've faced your mortality and are a heck of a lot smarter than many others....you know there are no guarantees.
Have fun, get the love you seek, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
Pat
-
The fact that he admits he is afraid of losing you is a good thing. It shows he's honest. You have no way of knowing if the dz will or will not return. It's a toss of the coin. I am all for finding someone to grab onto and take the roller coaster of life with. If he's willing to help you and your sons during this rough time I say do it. Right now is not a good time to make a decision about him. You need to focus on you. If he's around to help than cool. Make a decision about your relationship after you are done with your treatment plan. He is not guaranteed to be here in 10 years either and you can tell him that.
-
Hi JustSaying,
Ask your oncologist directly, they should tell you if you ask. People like to comment "we are not statistics" and we are not, but if you want to know they really do have a very good idea of the stats for a given population. I wanted to know.
I am 6 years out Stage 1, tumour just under 2cm, Grade 3, ER+PR-, HER2-, 36 at diagnosis. My risk of recurrence is 7% on a sort of lifetime basis. My oncologist said in any given year it is about 1%. It is small but significant ER+ recurrence risk last a long time. Late recurrences, i.e. after five years are much more common with ER+ cancers.
I believe my oncologist and these are my stats. I understand the limitations. I also understand that I live with a higher risk of early death than someone who didn't have breast cancer. However there is always the proverbial bus. But I have a very scientific kind of mind so I am more interested in numbers than proverbs.
I hope you find love and happiness with this guy if he is right for you. Best wishes to both of you, I hope you can work it out.
Kindest thoughts,
Sandy
P.S. although it was probably obvious from my stage, editing to add I was also node negative (SNB - two nodes removed)
-
Ok,
I might regret this, but are you serious!!! You have a very good prog. If this guy makes you happy,
reasure him how treatable bc is. He is scared, and lets face it he's a guy, we are the stronger spieces, you know that, so give the guy a little break. Live today, only God knows how long we have to live, no matter what your stats are, we have no control over when we will die. We can do all we can to stay healthy, and we should. However, after bc, it's all a bonus and a gift. I had locally advanced lllc bc, I have two small children, and a husband I have loved for 24 years. I plan on being in the rocking chair with him, and raising my kids! We are all going to die, you deserve to be happy, and not alone, if this man is not the one, find a man that is. Please be happy, and live your life!
Believe your healed, the odds are you will never have bc again, look at it as a time in your life
a bump in the road. You are a strong beautiful woman, you are not damaged goods! Any man
you end up with will be blessed by you, don't let bc steal anymore time, date this man have a good time.
Your in my prayer's!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God bless you, and your new relationship!!
Stephanie
-
Justsaying~ Iam with some of the other posters dont worry about what any one else thinks, If that is what you want to do then by all means go for it, what do you have to lose? It's not any different than any other date you never know how it is going to turn out with or with out BC so let the chips fall where they may and take a walk on the wild side, give it a chance and if it dosnt work out well, then it just wasnt meant to be. I say go for it and have a good time, follow your heart and do what YOU think is right. Good luck and I hope it all works out, ((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
-
How reliable are cancer statistics?
No statistics can tell you what will happen to you. Your cancer is unique. The same type of cancer can grow at different rates in different people. The statistics cannot tell you about the different treatments people may have had, or how that treatment may have affected their prognosis. There are many individual factors that will affect your treatment and your outlook.
Justsaying- That was a quote from a bc site, We all kind of got lost in the "New boyfriend" that i for got to answer your question, Im sorry i dont know the stats for you but looking at your signature it seems you dont have an aggressive bc, and being er+ is in your favor being able to take the 5 year pill. BC is a crap shoot and we never know what is going to happen, you may never get a recurrance, we just dont know. Hopefully some one will come along and give you stats that you can give your friend some answers
-
debbie6122. You are absolutely right in what you say. That is why the best person to ask is your oncologist if you want to know the stats based on your own situation.
-
Only you can decide if you should date this guy or not. I totally hear you, you have had your share of heartbreak, sorrow and difficulties. I would continue to see the guy and also be cautious at the same time. Enjoy the time together, take all the good things out of it. Don't look too far into the future. If he keeps bringing up the fact that he is worried that you have an early expiration date, well that is problematic. It is something he has to deal with. I would think that anyone would have the thoughts he has, but may not express them.
If we have to wait to meet the right one untill we are in a position of strength etc, than I think 90% of the world would be single.
-
Gutsy... I don't know if justasking will return. But I most humbly disagree that so many of us would be single if we were not strong. Perhaps you are unfamiliar with Erich Fromm. I don't disagree that it would be nice to follow our hearts, but it requires risks. Fromm believes in the importance of taking risks so you can experience loving. Loving, an action verb, require energy and work. When one is wary and weak, it is very hard to work at loving. I love to be loved... But loving doesn't occur in a vacuum. I have to work at my GIVING of love as I receive it.
Perhaps when you have some time, please read about Fromm's philosophy and you will understand why I place importance on strength. -
Someone on here once said that the risk of recurrence is either 100% or its zero. In other words it will or it won't come back. There is no way of knowing. Some people have DCIS then go to stage IV. Some have 3C and never recur.
You just have to live your life and try not to think about it too much. Go to your appointments, do what the doctors say to do, but don't let it take your life away with worry.
-
When somebody states they actually want to know the statistics I think that should be respected. We are all different and we all approach things differently. If one patient doesn't want to know, respect that and don't tell them. When someone asks I think that also needs to be respected and they shouldn't be brushed off with platitudes.
Sandy
-
Off topic regarding this boyfriend, but important, I believe: the only thing I would argue in favor of our Stage IV sisters, and for all the misinformation I deal with every day: Stage IV and I are like apples and oranges. The statistics for Stage IV are 2 - 5 years, the Stage I people can go on for 20+ years. Sure, there are exceptions, but statistics are reliable up to a certain point. It's not "you get it or you don't"--that's a good philosophy for some, and easier for me to say as a Stage I patient.
For instance, my BC diagnosis is throwing a huge wrench into our adoption plans. Believe me, they would never place a child with a Stage IV family. I will be penalized, but not in the same way. These issues are based on statistics. Yes, we are all different, but averages do matter.
What makes me sad is all the friends I hear who talk about Stage IV as if it will be a big surprise when they succomb to the disease. We need all those people to fight with us for the cure.
-
Well I am at the bottom here and haven't read all the replies. But I see nothing wrong with a person voicing concern over a future with you as you have had cancer. I think it is refreshing and honest and completely makes sense. So now he knows and you and he both need to make the decision to proceed or not proceed regardless of the outcome. I wouldn't even look at your prognosis factors or your rate of recurrence, though I think they are probably low, probably between 5 and 12%. It is either a yes or a no. I hope it works out as it should.
-
Girls, thank you so much for giving me your thoughts and advice. I asked him if he'd had time to think about it - this was a week after he voiced his concern - and he told me that realizes that everyone's life is a crap shoot and that he is ok with it. Whether that is 100% true or not, I don't know, but I think that it's good for now.
I had reconstruction surgery on Friday - that is why I haven't been around to reply until now. I had a nipple, fat graft, lift of the non-BC side so it will all match, and I took advantage of the whole thing to throw in some lipo on my legs (which of course I had to pay for).
This guy - he offered to take me to the hospital at 5am, he then waited there the whole time (3 plus hours of surgery) and then brought me home back to his house so he could take care of me. I have never had anyone take such good care of me. He just ran around getting whatever I needed, kept track of my meds & when I should take them, cooked me meals from scratch...what can I say, if that doesn't show at least some level of caring on his part, then I don't know what else would. So for now I"m playing it by ear - he told me last week that he wants things to progress "organically" between us. I think that means he wants to be non-exclusive but I"m not sure. I will continue to date others for now.
Faithful heart - I like what you wrote - I do deserve someone who will be kind and loving. I don't have trouble getting dates. I have a lot of life left in me and I'm not going to resign by any means.
And, if he gets the sense that I'm dating others, he may find himself wanting us to be more committed, right? Or I may just meet someone who I like just as much.
Men surely are a different species. The support I have gotten from everyone on these forums has helped me very much. You guys are the best.
Oh, btw, I am going to read the Fromm book - it's not available on kindle so I'll have to do some bookstore searching.
Andrea
-
justsaying...
So you just found out that actions speak louder than words! You see how much more important his actions were? What a pleasant surprise! He's working on GIVING you love! See! Loving requires lots of work! As for you, enjoy accepting his actions with all of it's love and strength. Accepting his strength, doesn't imply you are weak. Instead, you are both sharing the process of loving! I know it sounds like gobble de gook...but once you read Fromm, you will understand what I'm saying. Really!
I hope you enjoy reading The Art of Loving. It's truly been a classic since the day it was published.
I wish you well and a lifetime bursting with love and happiness...AND, of course, good health!
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team