Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?

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  • glendag
    glendag Member Posts: 53
    edited March 2011

    Ladies, just wanted to drop by and let you know I've had great luck on okcupid.com.--  Free site  @jeaniep, love your story!  I think it's true, we are MORE attractive!

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011
    I just find the less I give a damn and the less available I am to them, the more I hear from them.   The more I start to really like someone (and take down the walls), they go AWOL.   Sadly, games seem to work.  I guess that's why people play them.    Undecided
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  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,637
    edited March 2011

    I so agree, the walls come down people go AWOL!! :) never heard it put that way.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    My friend once said just act like you couldn't care if they lived or died and they will never leave.   While that sounds awfully cynical, I have seen this to be proven time and again among people and couples I have known.

    I think this only applies to men, though, because women crave love and nurturing - men run from it.

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  • sunangel27
    sunangel27 Member Posts: 310
    edited March 2011

    WOW Sweetbean..........how awesome is your insite and attitude!!!!! Love it sweety!

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  • sunangel27
    sunangel27 Member Posts: 310
    edited March 2011

    Will never understand that one dragonfly.........Adrian keeps on txting me about every three or four days........saying he still wants to have that  "moment" with me but nothing more.......then Wednesday got a txt from him that said......ok, guess you don't want me anymore..will delete you.....then last night another txt! WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU DELETED ME??? heheee      Oh well, I haven't answered any of them and don't plan on it either!! It's all or nothing with me.......if that is all he has wanted all this time, he can move on and go find it somewhere else. I don't have the time for him.....or the desire to just have that. 

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    Of course he texts you.   He's a man - they have to keep you on their radar.  Mine did that, too.   Then they meet the one they really want to be with and that is when you stop hearing from them.   You are very wise to not answer any of them - strong woman, you are!   I fell for it when my last guy did it - responded every time, no matter how long in between contact.   But I was just his back-up plan.   Then when he met other women he wanted to pursue (he actually told me this), I got the "friendship" speech and never heard from him again.

    I wish I had been strong like you, and wrote him off long ago. 

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  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,637
    edited March 2011

    The best way is to totally ingnore him, hopefully he'll eventually get the hint. Mine didn't even bother to contact me. My friend said he probably knows I'm mad at him so he's scared to contact me. I call BS on that. He is flat not interested and could care less if I'm mad. I'm happy to not be stressing over him and that situation. It is SO hard not to contact someone to try and mend things or to have the last word. Silence speaks volumes though right?

    I have a friend that is single he texts me often and last night he asked what I was up to. I said I'm out enjoying St Patricks day with friends and a couple drinks. His response was something about he would but he's single. duh I am too but the attitude he has is what you don't want. To sit home and feel sorry for yourself. Go out live life and have fun!

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited March 2011

    I think guys want to be the pursuer.  It makes them feel they have the power.  What they don't know, is that we are directing their power when we play hard to get.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    Dragonfly, I agree.   They generally are not "scared" to contact us (unless they are extrememly young and inexperienced in dating).    Silence is the ultimate blow-off.   My friends said mine got scared, too - I was like, yeah, right - but apparently OTHER women don't scare him, lol! 

    I don't know why you can't go out with your single friend?   Sounds like he was hinting, like he wanted you to know he was single?  

    Meece, I couldn't agree more....

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  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,637
    edited March 2011

    Because he likes me as more than a friend and I do not. I've told him this many times but he's not giving up easy. Plus I was invited to this thing by my friends, and was already out when he text.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    Oh well, I understand.   It's too bad, sounds like he really likes you.   

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  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,637
    edited March 2011

    Yeah not sure about that. He's so not my type. He's very needy, immature, unhappy etc..... I knew him in high school but just started talking to him a year or so again thanks to that dang Facebook.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011
    I'm weird; I kind of like needy guys.   But that's because I'm kind of a needy person, emotionally.   I like a lot of love and attention when in a relationship.    I like them a little needy - not stalkerish, lol!
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  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,637
    edited March 2011

    I think I'm way too independent to have someone clingy or needy. I like to spend a lot of time with the guy but keepu own identity too.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    I don't think you have to lose your identity to want to spend a lot of time with someone.   Think about the man (or men) you truly were in love with in your life.   Did you feel smothered by them or did you want to see them often?  

    When a man tells me he needs "space" (or however he wants to phrase it), I know I am not the one for him (and vice versa). 

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  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,637
    edited March 2011

    I have always enjoyed time with my boyfriend/husband. However I always enjoy my time with friends too. I don't feel it's necessary to go everywhere all the time together.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    No, I don't mean hang 24/7 or give up your friends.   I was just trying to say that in my experience, when a man says he needs space or doesn't want to see me very often that it usually does not bode well and ends shortly afterward.

    I think when men fall, they fall hard and fast.   They very much want to be with that woman.  I never have bought into the "fear" theory or the "busy" theory, just based on my own personal experiences.

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited March 2011

    I agree with you, Fearless

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  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,637
    edited March 2011

    Well yeah when they need space it's never a good sign.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    Dragonfly, I must say that I admire your independent spirit, though.   I can be too needy with a man and I know this scares them away.    I am strong in so many areas, but never have been strong in my romantic relationships and often devastated when it ends.  

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  • franie
    franie Member Posts: 73
    edited March 2011

    I have been hesitant to post and wasn’t sure where would be best. I am a bilat and no reconstruction. I choose this because of family history and having friends who had breast enlargements and had complications. I am single and am finding my confidence must have left with my breasts. My lack of breasts have been an issue in dating at times. Do to complications, I don’t need to get into, I can’t have reconstruction on both sides. With all the experience on this site I would appreciate opinions whether it is better to be a bilat or uni when it comes to relationships. I forgot to mention I do wear prosthesis.

     

    Franie

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited March 2011

    I can't comment on that other than I think it would have a lot to do with the caliber of man you have in you life.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    I had to go back and edit this because I think I misunderstood your initial question - but Franie, I am sorry you have had complications.    I would probably do a recon on one side if I couldn't do both.  But that's just my personal choice, there is no right or wrong with this.   It's really hard being single, and no doubt you have to have a thicker skin in the dating world when you have had a MX, either with or w/out recon.   But I know that you can still meet someone special, you will just have to weed through some of the shallow guys first - but heck, we end up doing that anyways....

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  • negirly
    negirly Member Posts: 318
    edited March 2011

    I've been a lurker for awhile and you have inspired me to try POF.  I got div during chemo (he was cheating, although it started before my dx) - The writing was on the wall but once I was diagnosed I was able to see what was truley going on with my ex.

    Dated a great guy while my hair was only 1 inch from Eharmony.  Treats me wonderful but i lack a true physical attraction to him.

    I signed up for POF a few weeks ago - met one guy and we are going out again, and have been talking to two others.

    KAryn 

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    I don't have the skin for it yet.   You have to be really thick-skinned and pretty confident and I am not there yet.   Which is too bad, because I am quite lonely.

    I had been on POF before, long before my diagnosis.   It wasn't bad.   EH was my favorite, but I met fewer people.   I would go on either one again.

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  • Meece
    Meece Member Posts: 19,483
    edited March 2011

    Fearless, have you done anything "for you" yet?  Gone to a salon, spa, mani or pedi?  Remember how others perceive you starts with how you perceive yourself.

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  • dogsandjogs
    dogsandjogs Member Posts: 1,907
    edited March 2011

    I just found this site and decided to join in.  After my mastectomy and reconstruction 28 years ago I didn't date until 3 years ago!  I then joined seniorpeople.meet and met a guy. Actually, I had put him in my "I'm interested": file and didn't realize when you do that the other person is contacted!!

    We chatted a few times; he was very anxious to get my phone number and I finally gave it to him. Then we had a few conversations and finally decided to meet for breakfast. I was recovering from a broken hip and was undergoing therapy at the local hospital so I suggested we meet in the hospital lobby! I wanted him to see me as I look most of the time; i.e. no make-up and in shorts and t-shirts.

    He seemed nice, but there was no spark. A few weeks later he invited me to dinner and it went well; he was a pretty good listener (which most men aren't) but still no spark.

    After that he came over to meet my 4 dogs; they kind of overwhelmed him as he had never had one dog (let alone 4) we took one of the dogs for a walk, then he said he had to get a part for his car so we did that and then went for pizza (I paid this time)

    Since then I have had one e-mail from him and one phone call, but nothing more. His first wife died of breast cancer and I had told him I had had it too (maybe that scared him?)

    I think perhaps I am too active for him - I used to run marathons and still jog daily--

    Bottom line though -I want to meet someone who can accept my dogs and my active lifestyle. That's seems to be the problem. Most people my age, 75, are just not that active. So I think maybe I should look for someone a little younger - I'm going to try POF.

    I am at the point though, where I don't need a guy to be happy. That was not the case in my youth, I was terribly needy and felt I needed a guy to feel complete.

    When do you guys think I should tell my prospective date about my breast cancer?  Right away? I think so - if he is scared off I don't want him anyway.

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited March 2011

    Meece, I am having my MX in a few days, so I really haven't done anything much as far as a makeover or treating myself.   But I will as soon as I get out of the hopsital and get to feeling back on my feet :-)   I hope by summer to maybe be dating again.

    Srbreast, I don't think you scared him away.   He sounded into you.  I think he just sensed you felt no spark for him.   They can sense that, just like we can.  

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  • Jainey
    Jainey Member Posts: 109
    edited March 2011

    SrBreast ... Wow! You are amazing ... still running at age 75! Anyhow, just thought I would comment on your telling a date about your BMX etc. I had my surgery on November 30 (BMX with TEs) and have been on 6 different dates (started in January). I think it totally depends on the individual as to if and when you disclose your diagnosis/surgery. The last guy I dated (and still am) is widowed and his wife died of lung cancer 4 years ago ... I told him on our second date (we have had 4 dates thus far) .. he is OK with it and we talk lots about cancer etc. The other guys that I dated ... hmmmm, it would have been a long time before I could have told them. And think of it this way ... would you like to know about his prostate cancer on the first date? (if that were to be the case) ... for me probably not. I would just like to get to know more about the 'Date' ... so, I would say that each date would be different in that regard. Just me thinking out loud here. Keep running with your wonderful dogs!

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