Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

I agree I am glad this thread got started too. I havent had treatment yet - that is TBD...so far my closest friends have been very supportive. One sister in law who lives minutes from me called me when I was first DX and nothing since. I dont expect people to call all the time and in fact dont want them too. I am sure all of us are as sick of talking about our condition as people are of hearing it. I sent this same sister in law a giftcard for her 50th birthday Feb 11. Not received even a thankyou card...gotta wonder. I do understand people have their lives and our Dx should not be the focus of their lives but a phone call every now and then would be nice. I agree too -no cards. My office workers have not been that supportive with the exception of one and that is because her mom was dx too. I havent worked on the job that long but still you would think the manager, who is new, would at least send a card or flowers. My job is kind of a commuter kind of job. It isnt 8-5 and it is nights and people come and go a lot with different shifts. Still I know what I would do if it was one of them. Not a major deal - just saying. At least we all have each other.

Great thread!  Here's my story of my so called BFF.  

The day I received the news that I had BC, I called.  Like BFF would.  She was in Newfoundland finishing off her Christmas vacation and promised me that she would be there for me, from the beginning to the end.  My husband had just started a new job, (one day before I was diagnosed) so he couldn't come to all of the appointments with me.  She told me she would step up and come with me.  I told her the times of all my appointments, chemo dates, etc., and all she said was "I have to get back to you and check my calendar and see if I can drive you.  She was presently on LTD for a bad back, so it wasn't her work that she had to worry about.  Not once did she call me back and tell me if she could take me or not. I was very hurt by this, thinking that this was her way of dealing.  But this was not the case.

I was told from a mutal friend that she thought that I was over-reacting when I called her and cried. Losing a breast is no big deal - she just has to get over it.  She actually said to me that there is no cure for her bad back like there was a cure for breast cancer.  You go through breast cancer once and then that is it!  I couldn't believe that this woman that was sitting in front of me was saying this to my face.  I had to bite my tongue and ask  her to leave.  I haven't called her since.  I think she was and is a very insensitive person and no BFF would ever say that.

So, I have in the past few months, decided to get rid of all of the negative people in my life, and to tell you the truth, things have been a lot easier.  

I totally understand what everyone is saying. I was majorly surprised that only one of my friends came to see me while I've been recovering from the lumpectomy (my BFF, who also drove 30 miles to pick me up and then the 20 miles to my doctor appointment so her BFF status is completely safe lol). The only flowers I received were from my two sisters (none from work). I had one other friend stay in touch but otherwise...crickets!

The older sister (by 5 years) came and stayed with me (read: cooked for me...I'm sorry she's gone lol) while I recovered and awaited the pathology results. Poor sis saw more of my boobs in 7 days than she ever saw when I was a kid! 

I had one other friend offer to bring me dinner (had my sister's cooking so we passed lol) and maybe two emails checking on my progress but really...no one called let alone visited, which I found fascinating!

These are the times when you find who your real friends are, without a doubt...and God bless my sister for being there 100% for me!!

I think LtotheK and Rennasus have a strong point there....Pinktober (their 90% CURE), and the media, may have contributed to why some of our friends and family think we are "overreacting" to a breast cancer diagnosis. I even saw last week on a Canadian news channel how Stage 4 Breast Cancer is now basically in the same category as Diabetes...

I was shocked....

Sarah BFF is a slang term for Best Friends.  Actually its Best Friends Forever.  Teen girls used the slang and its now part of everyone's life.  I dont like saying BFF but its easier than typing out best friend all of the time.

I agree too that breast cancer is looked upon that way too.. so many people although I am sure well meaning have said oh youll be fine its curable now... ummm no my onc said they never say cured they say remission....

I think another factor is the desire for things to get back to "normal."  I was surprised that as soon as the "clear margin/clean nodes" answer came through everyone (family and otherwise) felt like life would "get back to normal" and we were done.  Uhhh..I'm nowhere near done. As much as I would love to be able to "get back to normal"...I'm just starting and there is no "normal" to get back to! I'm at the bottom of a big hill I've yet to climb and I will need their support all the way through!

Don't get me wrong: I feel very blessed to have caught it early...and I truly feel for those who will go through more than I will.  But ALL of our lives are now changed, permanently. We are all in a lifelong battle no matter where we start on the path. We all have to go through YEARS of difficult treatments with long term side effects! We all have to live in some level of stress and fear..and we are are likely going to age less gracefully as a result. Nope...there is no "normal" anymore for me ..or for those who love me. 

I feel this way too.  It's like life just goes on normal for them and here you sit fghting for your life and no one even calls.  My friends don't call as often - I guess once the shock was over with they just got back to their life.  It's hard for me to sit home alone every day (I am on short term disability through chemo) and have little contact with people that I normally talk with a lot.  I just try to stay busy.  I cook, bake and go to the gym.  I am disappointed in some of my friends and family.  My husband's brother and wife have not even seen me since this started three months ago...haven't even called me or sent a card.  It's just odd in my opinion especially since they live 30 minutes from us.  I have one friend that has seen me twice in 3 months since this started.  She hasn't called me in a month.  I think people just don't know what they should say or do.  The friend that is the best is the honest, sarcastic one.  She never makes me feel like she feels sorry for me.  She listens and supports and finds a way to make me laugh.  When I get really cranky I say "cancer bitch" is out.  Sometimes she just calls and asks if "cancer bitch" can make a phone call to her boss to put him straight.  I always say "cancer bitch is available to you any time...give me his number".  (sorry for the B word....that's what we call it...didn't mean to offend anyone).  I have realized that most of these people don't know what to say, what to do and if/when they should call. I think they ignore the situation out of fear of not knowing what to do.  I don't think they don't care and I don't think they realize they are letting us down.  I guess that is all they are capable of.  Maybe we should write a thread on what people should and shouldn't do when a loved one has BC. Too bad most people won't read it......  Just know you are not alone in this. 

Plus, I'm sorry about the address, and the italics in my former posts.  I am beginning to believe that BC.org, Safari and a Macbook don't make for a great posting combo on this site.  Again, sorry, this time for being OT!

Totally in with all this.  I lost friends during my diagnosis and treatments.  But I also gained friends.  It was such a surprise who went to bat for me and who just freaked out and ran away. 

It was a blessing really!  I had my moments of sorrow for their attitudes and then just swept them and their toxicity right out of my life!  Then, all those who backed me up, well, I owe those people and I never forget them and I make sure to do special things for them. 

I also make it my business to support others with serious illness and not to run from them but to run towards them and do what I can.  All of it was eye opening and has brought me great experiences with REAL friends.

Sadly, ladies, my friends have all been wonderful - it's my sister who is being an idiot.  I sent out over 30 thank you notes after my BMX!  I didn't realize just how many people wanted to help and I've had several say "please, call me, if you need anything". My sister, however, is going through IVF for the 3rd time after 3 miscarriages.  She acts like I got BC to take my parents' attention away from her!  She is my only sib and 15 months younger than I. 

She was so self-centered and narcisstic that she called the day before my surgery (on Monday) and wanted me to fax her the BRCA results (negative) which she HAD TO HAVE before Thursday in order for her insurance to pay for her to get it.  Or, she was going to have my DH get the docs to send it to her.  AS if he and I had nothing else to do or think about but fax her stuff.  I fired off a nasty email to her so now she is being a pain in the #@$.  She won't speak to me without her hubby on the phone, won't have a normal conversation with me, just says repeatedly "we're so sorry you have to go through this".  DUH.  I don't know what to do about it.  She will want me to apologize and say that of course I realize she was just upset about my DX and that is why she did that, but I'm not in that place yet.  She was DX with a melanoma about 6 years ago, so this is something that she has been through to some extent.  Surgery was the cure for her, though.  It is really bothering me more and more, but I don't feel like I should have to be the "bigger person", as someone else said.  If she were "only" a friend, I would have dumped her a long time ago, and that makes me sad.

She offered to come down but when I threw out a weekend she said she'd have to see, it depended on where they were in the IVF cycle.  And, she's probably pissed because they had their third anniversary this week and I forgot.  I talked to my parents that day and they told me, so I was able to call them, and boy that was a bunch of laughs, NOT.  She had sent us a gift card to wine.com for ours. 

She is also completely insensitive to the fact that due to cervical cancer and a radical hysterectomy I can't have kids and she goes ON and ON about getting pregnant and how many of her friends are on IVF and blah, blah, blah.  I can empathize with her about it, but it's hard to be really sympathetic when she is such a B**&^ about the IVF to me.  She never stops to consider that I can't ever have kids.  Not that I want a pity party, just some understanding. 

Anyway, it does show you a lot about who people really are.  Glad I can vent to you ladies.  Tired of talking about it with DH.

Goldlining - your last paragraph really hit home with me ...

I feel so bad for my DH right now ... talk about crappy friends ... those SOB's had no problem taking advantage of him when the world was a happy place.  Now, they are no where to be found!

Thanks Ren. It'll be interesting to see what happens, actually. As I mentioned, I'm more than a little bit introverted and don't really care to go out all that often -- and I'll bet that staying in the house most of the time probably isn't the best way to meet people. LOL!

My Pack Rat has his cousins nearby (I'd describe my present relationship with them as uncertain -- but that's actually way better than it was a few years ago LOL!), and there's his neighbor he sometimes hangs out and does Projects with (they help each other out a lot with car and home improvement stuff) and some guys in town he knows but rather than being friends he sees or goes out with a lot, they're kind of more like acquaintances and they all chit-chat when they see each other at the general store or auto garage or wherever, unless there's something going on with the town politics, then he and his fellow Rabble Rousers pitch in and do stuff. I enjoy hearing about all that through my Pack Rat but I moved to a different town, so I don't belong in his town's politics except to listen to the stories he tells me after the fact. I've met them when at the general store and such, but that's about it. The only people I know thus far (in my town) are the five next door neighbors (three of whom are "kids" in their 20s and one of whom speaks very little English, but I get along OK with the other one, who my Pack Rat actually knew from a previous job) and the landlady.  But, I only just got here in October, and the combination of me not being all that outgoing, the fact that I'm usually tired, and winter in the Northeast being what it is, well, as I mentioned, it's a good thing my social needs are as minimal as they are and I'm not used to a lot of social contact anyway.  ;-)