ANGER & Moving On

peverson · March 2011

Did any of you feed angry at yourself for getting BC? And how did you get past that, if you did? I just realized that I am VERY upset with my body for doing this to me. But I don't want to get stuck there.

Patsy

Celtic_Spirit · March 2011

My mother died of breast cancer at the age of 44, so I knew I had to be on the lookout. I purposely tried to make lifestyle choices different from hers: I never smoked; took tons of supplements; ate a high-fiber diet that included a lot of vegetables and little red meat; participated in heavy-duty athletics; and had a mammogram every year starting at age 35 (mammagrams weren't around when she was diagnosed). I even cooked out of a book called The Doctors Anti-Breast Cancer Diet. Still, despite my best efforts, cancer came knocking. At first, I was both dumbfounded and pissed off. I really thought I could make "environment" trump genetics. (I'm BRCA negative, but my doctors do feel that there's a genetic component to my bc.)

How did I get past that? Number one, I was too busy trying to save my own life to remain hung up on something I couldn't change. Two, I did do everything possible to prevent it, so there was no "If only I had done _____." Third, it's something that's probably hard-wired into my genes, like having brown eyes. I could no more prevent breast cancer from happening than I could change being 5'8" tall. I don't get angry at myself for being big-boned (not that it's a bad thing), so how could I get angry at myself for bc? Fourth, by age 50, almost everyone has something go wrong. You can't always see what it is. At the university where I work, I know of plenty of "healthy looking" people who have HIV, diabetes, MS, lymphoma, and other cancers. BC was my cross to bear, and while I know better than to consider myself "cured," it is something that I no longer have to deal with every day, unlike the crosses others have to bear.

I hope that helps. Try to be kind to yourself.

peverson · March 2011

Celtic Spirit, thanks for the reply. I think that part of my self-anger is that I am so slow to recover. Fatigue is still a major issue for me, as are muscle tightness issues. I think that I'm just so self-centered. My mother died of lung cancer, and I thought that not smoking, eating right, similar lifestyle choices, would protect me. So I didn't get lung cancer, but I did get this. I would love to be at a place where it wasn't something that I'm dealing with all the time, but I have so much trouble getting started in the morning, not to mention keeping it going. And my husband is taking me on a short vacation this week, and I don't want to disappoint him by lying around all the time. It's our first vacation in four years, as he had work issues one year, our son had testicular cancer the next year (and then I got a weird stomach virus that shut me down for months), and I have been dealing with treatments the past year. I'm feeling worn out and beat up, and I want to feel energized.

KerryMac · March 2011

Celtic spirit, that was a great post. Thanks.

barbe1958 · March 2011

Peverson, are you still taking pain meds? They can tire you down a lot. Perhaps the change of venue on your mini holiday will give you the trigger you need to change your path. Having cancer is like grieving a death. You are grieving for your own good health! So anger is certainly part of the healing process, and you probably went through other stages as well, denial, acceptance, etc. So look at it just as another part of the journey.

Use the trip as a trigger. Let yourself let go. Good luck!

peverson · March 2011

Thanks, Barbe! Nope, not on pain meds. Just don't have a lot of energy. I was just recovering from about six months of illness when I got the BC diagnosis, so I started everything in a hole. Still trying to climb out, and it's frustrating because it's taking a long time. I've talked to a few others that needed about a year after treatment ended to feel kind of "normal," so I know that I'm in that range. It's just frustrating and discouraging. I'll try to think of this trip as a trigger--thanks for the idea!

mscal02 · March 2011

peverson that sounds like me when I took a vacation right after treatment: I knew that my DH needed a vacation also and I did not want to spoil it for him. Once we were there, I felt better, but did not push myself. If he wanted to participate in a tour, I gave him my blessing and stayed at the hotel and rested so that I could enjoy dinner with him. If he went for a swim, I sat at the pool and watched. I also had a massage while I was there. Enjoy your vacation!

Jayne_in_UK · March 2011

Peverson, I second what Celtic Spirit said about being kind to yourself. I see that you were diagnosed in March 2010, so you are only a year out from diagnosis. That is still way too soon to be thinking that you are slow to recover. You have been going through treatments for the past year and it is going to take a while longer to fully recover from all that. It sounds as though you have had a rough few years apart from that so it's no wonder tthat you feel beat up and fatigued.

I did feel angry at my body for a while for getting cancer, although my mother died of bc and my brother died of lung cancer, so I guess I always had a good chance of getting some form of cancer. I am now coming up to 2 years from diagnosis and I am still noticing little improvements. I feel good again and definitely better physically and mentally than I did this time last year.

I bet your husband will be delighted that you are still around to go on a vacation and not at all disappointed if you don't yet have all your energy back. I hope you have a wonderful time.

nowords · March 2011

peverson,

I was diagnosed in April 09...finished active treatment in Sept. 09...took me until late summer of 2010 to feel completely (more or less) like my old self...some of us need to go down before we come up...there are still days when I feel the blues coming on...but I take a shower, a walk, call a friend and get moving and it is good....just allow yourself the time that the process takes...let yourself have a good time...forget cancer for a few days on your vacation...your husband probably needs it too...now and then when I can focus the energy on someone else, it rejuvenates me...living in my own head too long can bring me down....!!!

Like you, I was sick before diagnosis and had several life altering illnesses in the family...and then cancer...it takes a progressive toll for sure....

Be gentle on yourself...all in good time. It gets easier, really, it does.

lovemyfamilysomuch · March 2011

Would like to post more later, but sending love and support for you and seconding the be kind to yourself thing. xo

mcsushi · March 2011

I was (and still am sometimes) incredibly angry about getting breast cancer. My mother died of breast cancer when she was 39 (I was 9) so like Celtic Spirit, I knew to look out for it. Unlike Celtic Spirit, I smoked like a chimney, drank like a sailor and went out of my way to live hard and defy destiny. I guess a part of me always believed I would get this disease one day so why not live it up today. I have no regrets.

While I have no regrets about the choices I made for myself, I have spent a tremendous amount of time and energy being angry at god, angry at life, angry at my mother and angry at myself. Compounding the anger was the guilt that I had failed my family by getting sick. Whether or not it was my fault, I felt so guilty about putting them through this again; it was heartbreaking.

Since diagnosis a year ago, I quit smoking and drinking, I run 3x a week, and overall take much better care of myself. Besides being physically better to myself, emotionally, I try to stress less and smile more. As pedestrian and cliche as it is, life really is too short. Of course I still have moments when I'm angry, but I try to acknowledge the feeling, cry or vent, and then let it go. I think anger is normal and I try to accept it and move on rather than get stuck on it and let it eat me alive. It takes a lot of vigilance, but it makes my life a better place. I hope you find some release and peace and know you're not alone... (((Big Hugs)))

~Colleen

geocachelinda · March 2011

I am not so much as angry but get periods of weepiness. I had a breakdown at the hospital the other day getting an IV. I had to get poked 3x before they got it in. I sometimes think I caused it by not watching my weight. There is no family history of cancer, just fibrocystic problems. My life is troublesome enough with a child with diabetes, a history of being in rotten relationships, having a husband who doesn't seem to want to work, 3 bratty selfish and greedy children at home, ages 11, 14 and 19. Being broke all the time.. not being properly diagnosed for nearly a year. Having a huge wound in my side from the incision opening up. I guess I am a little angry after all. Just that everything seems to suck!

nowords · March 2011

I do think that anger is part of the process...right there with grief and denial, acceptance...but going through those stages is often "2 steps forward and 3 steps back"...I progressed through things and revisited them from time to time...anger has it's place....feel what you feel...at a certain point, you make a choice to have a life in spite of cancer...or not....at my last Oncology visit...I lamented about what I did or didn't do a bit and if it would of made a difference...my Oncologist said "Nothing that you did or did not do gave you cancer, you are a woman in America and the odds are there...that's all"...she also said that "while it was good to eat well and avoid too much wine and sweets etc., that life was to be lived and if I deny myself everything, I may live 20 years or not, but 20 may seem like 40...find a balance and enjoy..."

Kind of veered the topic off a bit and I apologize...but in spite of all the headlines about women who are over weight are more at risk or this thing or that thing...until every fat women has breast cancer and every thin one does not I just don't buy into it anymore...too exhausting...cancer sucks and it is here and all I can do is deal with now...

jennyboog · March 2011

I did feel some anger but more guilt & trying to find out why. I had no family hx and was caught blindsighted by this whole thing. Now I feel some guilt for my daughters (4 & 2) who might carry this rotten mutated gene that I gave them. It's an emotional rollercoaster so, I think it's normal that you feel this way. You can't beat yourself up over something you had no control over, it's the cards we were dealt so, we have to play them....how we play them is the one thing we do have some control over. We either stay in that dark place over it or we pick ourself up and move on. I try to keep reminding myself, how do I want my girls to remember me...it's what I use to move on. Yoga has been great for me with the muscle tightness and acheness. I'm not that good at it but makes me feel good when I'm done. Sorry I rambled on and on...have fun on your well-deserved vacation sweetie!!

SpunkyGirl · March 2011

That is a great post, Celtic Spirit! I would think anyone who reads it would feel much more peace that BC isn't for the most part about our choices. I was always an exerciser, but never made great nutrition choices. I often think about all the people out there struggling with a multitude of physical, emotional and mental obstacles, and I feel that this journey at least has made me so much more empathetic (and yes, strong).

ANGER & Moving On

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