Am I healing or Surpressing

I am not a famous author but I'm definitely spiritual.  I'm also a cancer survivor.  I really don't understand how coping and feeling positive would interfere with healing.  When I get a cold (which doesn't happen very often) that is exactly how I deal with it.  I cope with the symptoms but I'm positive that I will get better.  It's how I've handled all my active tx.  It's how I'm handling this terrible fatigue that I've been going through.  I don't get what this guy is trying to tell you.  I've never heard that this is a "right" way to deal with this.  I consider it an individual matter.  Each of us has different mechanisms and paths to getting better.

And I understand your concern about letting go of the thought that someday you'll hear that it's back and somehow you would be more devastated if you had already believed you were cured.  I haven't been able to totally shed myself of the thought that I might reoccur.  But whether I get rid of those thoughts are not, that won't make any difference in my reaction if I ever hear that news. 

Physically, if there is nothing there than the body is healed.  Emotionally we've changed.  But that doesn't mean that you haven't healed emotionally, also. 

Like everything else about this horrid journey, the issue of positive thinking and hope are a matter of individual situations.  For me, I dealt well initially, but once chemo-tamoxi- pause really set in all bets were off...It is a process...I admire those who put a smile on it and have hope and positive thinking. I think there is a place for that, and if it works for someone...I think that is wonderful. I can't say how much of my "lost year" was due to processing a stage 3 cancer diagnosis, the loss of a breast and fear of death coming too soon, and how much was due to instant menopause. (I functioned during that year, took care of my home, but withdrew from activities and most people other than family and a close friend or two...it was too exhausting telling everyone what they wanted to hear and listening to them say that a positive attitude is the key and blah blah blah...)The last six months I have felt more like my old self most of the time and made plans to get the DEIP surgery in May, working out, making plans, and now I am diagnosed with lymphedema and need to start daily wrapping and therapy for 4 to 8 weeks...I really do not want to sink back down...but I need to allow my feelings and then move ahead again. Kind of accept everything and expect nothing and enjoy as much as I can of each day. For me, my ride is not a lateral one...I need to go down in order to get up again...but that is just my process. Allow your feelings, they are real and valid. I like to think that I have reached a level of acceptance of what is and what may come-but an article I read gave me pause. I think it was a Dr. out Boston? who was trained in Palliative Care...teaching people to accept death and go gracefully...she beleived her own words, until she was diagnosed...then she fought it and went against all of the advice she trained to give others. We don't know what we will do until we are faced with it really. Perhaps the illusion of control comforts some. I think all I can control about most things is my reaction. On my best days I remember that.

i think we just do the best we can...at different points ...recovery..in all of this.  i also think that feelings about having cancer...comes in stages....from initial diagnosis...to surgery..to treatment...to after care....to moving into your life after cancer..to oncology visits ....3 month...6 months...1 years.

 so, i am an "oldie"  the only reason i continue to come to the boards is to share my experience..and to support people. you are where you are...you are doing great jen. we all are.  i think every question...every feeling that comes up...is just a part of this whole experience.  looking back...the last 9 years....i went into so many different feelings...decisions...the whole monty. 

 i say, "just saddle up" try to not figure it all out as it is just life.....and being a cancer survivor. 

hugs***

Jenn....I just past 5 years since Dx, and I know I have not fully grieved what has happened to me with having had BC.....There is still a great deal of anger deep down in me that needs to get out....I am not the person I was before this all and don't see how I ever will be....not just emotionally, but physically and cognitively....to the outsider, I look like I'm doing well....and in many ways I am, but I miss "me".

Jen,

I have been going through a period of processing "what happened", and the best I can describe it is like the Wizard of Oz where suddenly life is in Technicolor.  So everything is very vivid and intense.  This is the second time this has happened to me.

I could not believe the sun on the snow fields of the Olympics a few moments ago.  (Headed out skiing in a little while.)

All of us now live with a lot less certainty.  For me, that had been the norm in my life for quite some time as I have been on both ends of a corporate downsizing, lost both parents, been through the 9-11 attacks, rebuilt my career, ended a marriage where I was constantly thwarted, and moved across the country in the past decade. 

So once more, I get to rebuild and move forward.

The point is that all this makes me appreciate the wonderful things I do have, and that I get more time here than I would have otherwise.  I still need to layer other experiences on top of the hammering I got a year ago, and I still need to prove myself, as this experience oddly saps your self-confidence.

I have chosen to move forward assuming I am cured, although fully congnizant that it could very well be otherwise.  But it won't help me if I live in constant fear.  It would just mean that I spent a certain number of years afraid of my shadow, when I could have been out in the brilliant sunshine.

Hope this helps.  Doing this exercise has helped me, as I often need to stand back and put things in perspective.

So what do I do next????  Well, there are only so many days with 2' of perfect snow for skiing.  So I will be out enjoying it, coming back for a hot bath to soak what hurts (all sorts of places) and out to do it again tomorrow with one of my friends.

Life really is wonderful. - Claire