2005 ROCK-TOBER CHEMO GIRLS

Hello Ladies,
Well, I went for my last AC today, but I couldn't get it because my white blood cell count was too low. They even did a recount in case the first one was wrong, but the second count was even lower. So--I go back on Monday to try again and maybe get a Neulasta shot. The nurse did say that if I got the AC on Monday, they would put me back on my regular schedule--hope it all works out as I was looking forward (as many of you) to being half done.

I am supposed to take Taxotere after the A/C.

As for chemopause, I was hoping (I am 50 years old and ready to be finished with my period)--but had my last period right before Chemo #3 and it had only been 3 weeks since the period before! I asked the oncologist--what is this? I thought I was supposed to be done with my period, not get it more frequently! She just laughed and said that sometimes happens before it goes away.

Thought I might get my period this week since it's been 3 more weeks, but no--so I'm not sure what my body is doing.

I am also feeling pretty good this week and now I will have a good weekend, I think, but I sure want to get my next chemo over with.

Jane

I guess I am bringing up the rear of this group with the A/C... I am only 1/2 way through and don't have my last treatment until Jan 13. I am finding it hard - I spent 4 days in bed unable to do anything this week, then I start to come back and feel better. I started wondering if I can do this, but I know I have to..... I just have to get thru 3 more treatments.... Anyone else having such a problem with A/C or is it just hitting me harder?

Amy, glad to hear you are still feeling good......Aren't you a walker? Maybe that is why. I have been slacking because it is freezing here in Buffalo, NY but going to do the treadmill now........HA....I will try anything, I go Monday for my first taxol not that two days of the treadmill is going to help but I figure it can't hurt, hopepfully I can continue after....Graycie

Sherryhaire,
Congrats to you! I had my last A/C on Wednesday! Hope you have fun shopping.
Laura (GTO)

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Just finished my last AC on Thursday yea!!! Had a pretty bad day yesterday some nausea and losts of bone pain but better today Need to go Christmas Shopping!!

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Woo-Hoo!! Congratulations Sherry--I will, hopefully, be joining you on Monday.
Jane

Hope your aches stop soon Amy. My last FAC on the 20-just int ime to make feel yuck for Xmas. Oh well it will match my mood which is going lower and lower as the big day approaches.
We are almost all half way.Yahoo.
Fists up!

A friend sent me this link - it took a long time to download on my computer but its worth a look if you havent already seen it.

www.thesurvivormovie.com

my 4th FEC this Thursday - seem to be coming round quick now!

Debbie

I hope the "T" part of this journey is a breeze. It's weird, last week I was celebrating the end of A/C and this week I'm dreading the start of Taxol. Dealing with this has been tough. I looked through some pictures today of life before bc and it put me into a very sad state. I miss those days. I miss my hair. I miss my life the way it used to be. I still have pain at the mast. site. And every time I feel the pain, it reminds me of the surgery and the emotions that went along with it. I am trying very hard to live each day as though this journey will come to a happy ending, but I can't help but feel the pain and agony of it along the way. There's no shortage of love, concern and support from my husband, mother, family, friends, etc. but I feel somewhat isolated and trapped in all this disease bears. I know I should be looking forward to the holidays, but what lies ahead is terribly overwhelming. I wanted you all to know that I appreciate and admire your strength and endurance. Yes, we've all had our moments, but the strong ones have out numbered the weak. I know there's an end to this. I hope we all can put this behind us at that time. And begin the rest of our lives. Thanks for letting me vent.
Laura (GTO)

i don't know if there has to be a reason for any of this. that's the craziest part of it all. i kept saying that this was going to make me a different person, appreciate things more, etc. but you know what? nobody needs or deserves cancer to take things seriously, reprioritize, etc. i think that the hardest thing for me is just giving up the security when i thought i was indestructable and untouchable. kinda loose your innocence through all this, which is the hardest for me. now anything can happen. but, we just move on, i guess. my husband and i had a good cry the other night...sometimes, it's so hard to realize that this is our life for now. even if it's just now, when i really think about having breast cancer...it's just so crazy. makes me remember that week when i was diagnosed...can't believe this is my life now! laura, i guess we just hang in there! don't be scared about taxol...you'll do great. we're all doing great!

-amy

Laura,
I am also surrounded by good family, friends, neighbors and colleagues and yet I feel alone too. I feel unable to share my negative thoughts with most people. Although I look well and feel pretty good I can't help but think about what can happen.
If I talk about it everyone thinks I am being morbid or have a bad attitude.So I tell people I feel great,am expecting a cure and can't wait to get back to work. What I really feel is scared that I will get sicker and sicker. I am worried that I am filling my body full of chemo and it is not going to work. I check my mastectomy site every night for recurrence. I have a pain in my rib that I worry is a met but I haven't told the onc because honestly I don't think I can handle it if it is. I am just beginning to cope with this disease as it is.
I know it is only a large amount of time passing with nothing bad happening that will allay my fears. Right now I feel raw, betrayed by my body and unlucky.
Am I depressed? I don't think so. I think it is more grief that my health has been kicked in the head.I have a good appetite, sleep well and can still enjoy life but I feel threatened. My future is uncertain.Yes, I know there are great drugs for this and many people live many years, some with a full cure. But, I don't know if I will be one \of them. No one can give me a guarantee. I know , I know no one else has a garantee of good life and health but most people are not told they have cancer at 44 . I fully expected to live til I was 96, this stuff was not in my life plan.
I is hard to be joyful this Xmas, it really is. I think what we are feeling is pretty normal and we would be foolish to think all this stuff is great. We can count are blessings that we have good people to help us and we are doing our best to fight this but we have to take time to grieve a bit too.

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. . . I feel unable to share my negative thoughts with most people . . .

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Yes, I understand this feeling--even from a few women who have "been there, done that"--I feel that some who have chosen to continue to work thru treatment judge me for choosing to take a leave from my job--some say that the key to recovery is having a good attitude--but I don't have a good attitude all the time and I wonder if anyone going thru this could truly have a good attitude all the time.

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. . . Am I depressed? I don't think so. I think it is more grief that my health has been kicked in the head . . .

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Yes, there is grief for me as well--for the innocence I lost when I got this disease. I look at photos of myself from before BC--photos that I thought I didn't look very good in--now I feel like I was beautiful in those photos. I had hair and my own boobs!

Also, this whole ordeal has brought back to me my grief over losing my father to Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma 3-1/2 years ago.

All this grief does seem to, for me, lead down the path to depression, especially in the week after each treatment. I am still not able to sleep without Ambien because if I don't take it, I am up all night either crying or watching stupid TV.

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. . . I fully expected to live til I was 96, this stuff was not in my life plan . . .

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Yes, I can relate to this thought as well. My paternal grandmother lived to be 101 years old. My maternal grandmother lived to be 100. I used to think I had good genes, but now . . .

Still, I am going to fight to live as long as I can. I have the grief and depression, but I also have a will to live.

Take care and hope you all feel better soon.
Jane

We have a friend who just died of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. He was 42. He left a wife and 2 girls, 6 and 3. Before he died he was hoping that his bone marrow transplant would give him a few more years. He just wanted to see his girls grow.

I am thankful for every day I am able to help my 10 year old with his homework. When he talks to me nowadays I really listen. I even put my glasses on so I can see his long lashes and the other details on his face. As I drive him to school I make sure the radio is off. Last night he said, "I'm so lucky to have a Mom like you."

Does my bc make me appreciate life more? Probably.

To all you ladies that are feeling so down, I think the holidays doesn't help.......Believe me I have my moments too. You really wonder "Why Me". I also thought I was so healthy, I exercised, tried to eat right, etc...No cancer in my family, I am the first.....As scary as it is I try to put the bad thoughts out of my mind which is hard sometimes but I try to think positive. I think that is the only way we are going to get through this. I know I will freak out if they tell me any more bad news but I try not to think of that. Right now, We are all doing everything we can to beat this, so hang it there ladies, we can do it......

Well, I had my first Taxol yesterday and as you can see I can't sleep probably because of the decadron in the drip and also because I went to bed at 9:00....other than that I feel pretty good...I know it is too early for the side effects to kick in but I agree with you Amy it is great to have no anti-nausea meds and I actually have my appetite back...Laura, don't worry you will do fine. You will feel so much better than you did after the AC. Look how scared I was. The only thing is the treatment was long...Take a nap..The benedryl makes you kind of loopy, you feel like you had one two many drinks.....They put me in a room with 4 other people until they got a private room and when I had to get up to move I felt like a drunken sailor, it was quite comical. I think they thought I was a little nutty because I was acting so silly and walking funny. It didn't last long though...I was mostly sleepy and I probably should have slept but I was afraid I was going to snore or wake-up with the wig on the floor..HA. I also had to go to the bathroom about 5 times which was unusal for me since I had nothing to drink.....Did that happen to you Amy. I noticed the lady in the room next to me was doing the same thing since we shared the bathroom.....Bladder must be working again. I hardly went at all on AC which I thought was odd.....I guess now all I have to do is wait and see what kind of bone pain I get. How is the tylenol helping you Amy? I got a presciption filled for Motrin but it is 800ml which I think is a little much....I am kind of afraid to take that. I think I will try the tylenol first. He also gave me a prescription for Vicodin, I think it could have codine in it which I am even more afraid to take. I guess I will wait and see what happens. I have two parties this weekend I just hope I will feel well enough to go. I guess I will go and take a Xantax and see if I can sleep......I can't believe it is 5:00 I have been up since 2:00 ......Amy, keep us updated on the Taxol and any advice you may have.....Graycie

Thanks to all of you for listening to me. It's so comforting to be able to share my thoughts and concerns with women going through the exact same thing. Thanks for the positive words, etc. I think I'm overly paranoid and frightened because my Father died of cancer at the age of 35 (I'm 45). I was only 8 years old at the time. My siblings were 6, 7 & 9. We watched him fight hard and then suffer much. Also, this is really hard for my husband because his Mom died from bc - she was 56. I/we just have to remain positive...surround ourselves with the love of family and friends and make the most of every day.
Graycie, I hope you have gotten some sleep by now! Thanks for the update. Quite frankly, I wouldn't mind feeling like a drunken sailor right about now! LOL My fingers are crossed and I'm hoping you are spared the bone pain. Keep us posted.
Laura (GTO)

I know. I have been feeling blue for the past few days, too. I feel like I'm drowning in cancer information. And everyone I talk to wants to know how I'm feeling, which is perfectly normal, but I just feel like I can't get away from it for even a minute. And, of course, I *can't* really get away from it, because I'm carrying it around inside me.

I think the holidays are making it worse. My husband and I moved to Minnesota just two years ago and all our friends and family are in Illinois. We aren't traveling to visit anyone over the holidays because I'm afraid the extra stress and germs will make me sick.

This is the first Christmas that we won't spend with family. At first, I was kind of glad, because it can be so stressful to drive between four sets of divorced parents and try to keep everyone happy. But I haven't seen my Mom since last Christmas and all this big bald 47-year-old wants to do is put my head in her lap and cry.

So I am crying now at work. Lucky I have an window-less office with a door I can shut. <grin> It also doesn't help that I'm enmeshed in the medical machinery this week. I get another fill this afternoon, tomorrow is blood work and a visit with the oncologist, and my second Taxol is Thursday.

Sometimes I feel trapped in the machine, and that they're making sausage out of me. Ah well. We have all had a lot to grieve for during these past few months. It's only natural that we get overwhelmed sometimes. I'm so glad to have this forum to talk about stuff like this.

Everyone around me thinks I'm doing so well, emotionally, and most of the time, I am. It's almost like I'm afraid I'll disappoint them if they really knew how I feel. And I have loads of great support. But it really comes down to us. We have to do this on our own.

Sorry to be so blue. I'll bounce soon.