PTSD is my middle name, I think, and I can't imagine how most survivors don't have it, in varying degrees.

Somedays, I cry without "reason" - hearing a song my son loves, or watching my daughter ride her skateboard in front of the house. Thinking back to when my children were babies and I didn't have cancer. I don't even like looking at pictures of myself before my diagnosis, because all I can think is, "I didn't have cancer then". And I wish like hell I could go back in time.

That being said, most days I feel positive, healthy, and happy. I have an amazing husband, circle of girlfriends, and wonderful co-workers. My doctors are a wonderful bunch, too.

I think PTSD is part of the territory. I wish there was more talk about it, however. Much is written about cancer and depression, but honestly, I think I've had PTSD symptoms as strongly as I've had depressive.

Anyway, my long way of saying: you're not alone. I'll say a special prayer for you today.

hugs

janyce

Hi Barb,

Thanks for posting about PTSD-I don't think it's talked about enough, IMO. It has been over 2 years since diagnosis for me, and I still am going through feelings of PTSD_fear, anxiety, horror, regret...not all the time, but things can set me off, like seeing a photo of myself pre-breastcancer. Sometimes when I'm talking about growing older/retirement, etc. there's a little voice in my head that says, "if you live that long."

 We recently almost put our house on the market and to move to  another house, not even another town, just another house, and I had a little breakdown. It brought up intense fear and uncertainty, which is related to the PTSD. Change is hard for me to handle-I've recently been offered a better job with more responsibility, and I'm really afraid of the change.

Best wishes for our serenity and healing,

Cat

I felt traumatized during treatment (never a big fan of needles), but really, I went back to being happy-go-lucky "me" within months of treatment ending. Sure, I have moments when I'm pissed about the tamoxifen and oophorectomy turning my midsection into mush (I could lay off the ice cream; that would help, too!), and I wonder if certain aches are more than they seem. I can honestly say that driving the local interstates here scares the bejeezus out of me far, far more than having an onc visit, xray, blood work, etc. Change has been a constant in my life, as have hard times, so having bc seemed like just another battle to slug my way through.

Check out this thread- we have been sharing our experiences dealing with post BC depression- slightly diff than PTSD- but the core of it is how hard it is to get past the BC emotionally

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/759882?page=15#idx_448

Barb...I have not been Dx with PTSD, but I believe that is is an appropriate description for me....I have made an appt with a therapist who specializes in EMDR (eye movemovement desentization ) which is a Tx for PTSD...when I google PTSD, I'm not sure that I fit the cirteria, but then again, I do....I don't have a full range of emtions....can't cry, don't really feel...well other than anxiety and anger....I need to get some resolve....so I'm hoping that this therapist can help...I think that between the BC and the resulting loss with work all add up to PTSD...I'm not sure I ever truly mourned the BC....I was stoic through Dx and Tx.....but its been soooo hard since finishing Tx....maybe its all just cumulative.....I'm sorry that you lost your house....Hugs,

Wow, I thought I was the only one that didn't cry much.  Barb, I like you tend to diconnect, or disasociate too.  And things seem so anticlimatic for me as well, when I should be thrilled or happy I don't feel much of anything anymore.  I've been this way for a long time too, and think some of it is PTSD after the some major life tragedies.  And BC is just one of the latest in a string of "bad" things that have happened to me.  I just have to remind myself a lot of how many GOOD things have happened too.  It can't be good to dwell on the bad s$#t all of the time.

Love you,

Sharon

I get very emotional even now.  Weirdly, if I start to recall certain traumatic moments, like the last moment in the OR before the anesthesia took me out, I will feel tingling sensations across my chest where they did the surgery.  Mind and body...so powerful. 

This bad experience has made me a little more thoughtful.  I definitely know that most of what I worry about (that isn't health related) is just crap and I don't need to worry about it, it's just a habit.  But I still am a hypochondriac.  I often think I have some new horrible thing wrong with me.  It's very frustrating.