Please tell me what you would do

Tabbymom -- my goodness!  MOVE!  It sounds like your fears about the future are totally overwhelming the present.  And dwelling on a negative that may never happen sounds like a surefire way to possibly bring it on, at least to me. 

I know the economy and job market are rough right now.  But if you can line up a new job and an affordable living situation -- even with a happy, positive roommate -- I think it would do you a world of good.  The last thing any of us needs in our lives is "toxic."  IMO, you absolutely need to get out of the living situation you're in, find new friends and interests, and start living for today.

Your post doesn't indicate when you were diagosed or underwent treatment, but moving on is something most of us experience some issues with -- no matter what our home environment.  It can be very tough to find our "new normal" after bc.  Maybe talk to the psychologist or counselor where you were treated.  Most cancer centers have them and many make them available as part of your treatment.  Someone like that will understand your fears and hopefully be able to give you some new coping strategies to help you move forward.    

I'm glad you've found BCO, and I hope you'll stay with us and let us know what you decide and how you're doing.    Deanna

Tabbymom, I just want to give you a heads up on the 5 posts per 24-hr. period for new BCO members, which is done to prevent scamming.  It's something most of us found out about the hard way -- posting 5x and getting shut out for 24 hrs.  If that happens and you want to continue talking to anyone, you can click on their avatar or screen name, and it will take you to a page with a Private Message (PM) feature that's unlimited.  Just thought you'd like to know!    Deanna

I'd move out and take my chance...what if the cancer does come back...what if it doesn't and then you've stayed there all those years for a "what if".  Deal with things as life throws them at you, not assuming they will.  I'm sure living in the stressful situation is not helping and if anything its adding to your condition.  I had a very stressful job and situation when I was dx and beleive in my heart it was a cause for my BC.  Good luck and stay strong. 

Go!!! Even if it would come back, that's all the more reason to live the life you want NOW!!!!

gentle hugggssss, Tabby.   I don't think you're going to get much support telling you to stay put!    Sounds to me like what you have gone through so far, you have basically done alone.    Go make a life for yourself and find some peace.   Don't stress the recurrence aspect--even if you stay put, sounds like you'd be dealing with it alone anyway.   Good luck and best wishes as you start your new life--get going!!!! 

here i am, with the same advice.. move.. but, plan ahead, if you can "scout" out a place to go that youcould afford, and try to interview for new jobs there. the suggestion of the social worker is an excellent one!! you already have the need in you, or you wouldn't have asked! no one needsto live with someone who doesn't give a s***! i was married a long time, putting up with crap Before bc. i was scared, with 3 little kids. even WITH bc; im happier than i was then. i've grown into a woman im proud of, because of thast decision. and, im married 20 yrs to a man who adores me. helped every which way whenever he could. he's stuck by me with a dx of MS. 3 strokes, and now bc... this chasnge may change your life in ways you could never imagine. and, yes, SSDI is available to you if you get sick again. you might never, without the stress where your'e living now.   wishing you well, and a Happy Holiday..     3jaysmom

Tabby,

May I ask what state u live in? I live in Quincy, Illinois. I like planning ahead too and totally understand your concerns. I would live like its not coming back for the most part but always have a plan B in the back of your mind. Dont let the worry of it coming back consume you. It will do no good constantly worrying about it. Go for any follow up appointments, check yourself religiously and if u get unusual symptoms ( like pain etc) that last more than 2 weeks or is severe...go get it checked by your oncologist. For example..if u have an pain in your back that wasnt there before or a pain that has always been there but gets much worse,  and it lasts for 2 weeks or gets severe...get checked. Unexplained weight loss, bowel changes, etc, etc. Most peope do not get mets and I hope you are one of them. Hugs, Mazy

As you plan your move try not to argue with your mom, that alone will reduce your stress.

I think the advice you have been given to find a new church and make friends is very valuable. I worked with homeless women and families for years. Invariably they had alienated their safety net. People who have been in abusive situations are often damaged by those experiences and need extra help maintaining existing and new relationships. Groups at church or in the community like adult chicldren of alcoholics and disfunctional families are a very good place to relearn the life skills you lose out on when you have a rejecting mother. It is called ACOA or ACA and is a safe place to be.

Please keep us up to date on your path.

GInger

Hey ... life sucks ... even to be me sometimes! Of course you know that no one can tell you what to do ... I can tell you from what I have read what I would do, and of course it would only be food for thought ...  but always nice to have input when having to make some large decisions in life ... normally what I do is 'nothing' until I have done my homework and made some decisions ... But ... In this case ... if it were me ... I would want to remove myself from the toxic environment (both emotionally and physically -the smoking) as it would give me cancer again ... I would plan my departure (research where I am going,what I will be doing, apply for work etc) ... I would give myself timelines so that I stay on track ... I would kindly leave with love and forgiveness and make sure that my mother was aware of how I need to go forward and stay healthy for me AND that my move was all about me and not her ... NOW this all does sound good on paper and if not the case ... I would quietly leave when noone was aware and leave a forgiveness and loving note to voice what I had just said ... If I believe in myself and a power greater than myself and the doors seem to open in the direction that I have chosen ... It will all be good! There are always more big decisions that have to be made along the journey ... Just enjoy the Journey! All the best ... YOU will know what is right for you. Peace Happiness and Health. Jainey

What would I do?  I would move, instantly.

Your cancer probably will never come back.  And, you will then have spent many years living with what you describe as a toxic, abusive person whom you don't like and who is negative. 

For what?  Cheap rent?  You sure sell yourself short.

If your cancer does come back, then who is to say you can't move back there at that time?  But, for now, you are cancer-free, are highly likely to remain cancer-free and you should move on with your life.  

Frankly, there is no amount of money that would get me to live with my alcoholic, mean-spirited mother.  So, I get where you are coming from about not having a loving parent but you are 45 now - time to cut the cord and get the hell away from her.

As for your question - if you become Stage IV you can get disability.  There are many groups who will likely help you should that occur.  There are some companies - my own, for example, that will give you full pay for a year if you are dx'd with a terminal illness.   If you are a church-going woman, then join a church wherever you move and make friends.  Those folks will likely help in a time of need.  Others are willing too - whereever you go you can build a support system so that if the unlikely happens - you have others to rely on.  

You don't need your mother, but for some reasons she has done something to you that makes you think you do.  

I would leave.

Tabbymom,

I was dx with stage III, BRCA II+, I am the mother of 3, two young ones ages 3 and 5.  I did tx, surgery, radiation, ooph.  My husband was horrible to me through every minute of it....it makes me sad to think of what an #$%^ he is.  5 months after treatment, I left.  I rented a truck, bought furniture from craigslist and moved out.  It is scary at times.  My insurance is through his employer and they will drop me as soon as our divorce goes through....but I do believe that the negativity and hatefulness was worse on my condition than facing the unknown.  I SO ENJOY the new found calm and peace in my life without him.  It is still stressful, now being a single parent, worrying sometimes about insurance and what I will do "IF" it comes back...but I just tell myself to stop the thought and turn it around...what if it doesn't come back??  Am I going to live for years in his hell just in case I am going to die?  If it gets to the very end--there is hospice services!!  And yes, disability payments... move on and enjoy the freedom!  Enjoy the clean air.  Enjoy peace at night when you go to bed and your own fresh coffee in the morning!  Best wishes dear!

Jainey, I really like what you suggested about how to leave. Leaving with a forgiving heart will only make the future brighter.