Not Buying Into It
Comments
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I've never understood the point of counting one's blessings. Is it supposed to make you feel better if you have more than other people do? We all have the right to feel sorry for ourselves and to step on the roses sometimes instead of smelling them. Not everyone comes immediately to terms with this disease.
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Misfit, the whole point is to be grateful for what you have,. Yes there are low moments..believe me I am having them, but it can really make a difference if you try to view things as the glass half full rather than the glass half empty. If someone wants to drown in their sorrow and be negative, throw in the towel, and tell everyone else too that is fine! Be my guest!
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Girs,Girls.Girls we need to simmer down..this thread is really gettin hot
can we have a group huggggggggggggggggggggggggg.
the weekend is comin.
lets save our energy to fight this damn bc.ok?
God bless us us.we need friendships,love and support here.
I love my sistas
K
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Hi hope,
Just wanted to welcome you to the boards. Your post put a smile on my face
I hear you, and your heart. I wish you many blessings in this journey, and do pop around a bit on the boards when you get a chance...I hope to see you "around."Traci
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Hope: I appreciate your message. I have never forgotten where I came from. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth and I wasn't a trust fund baby. My bootstraps are very well stretched and worn. I've been on my own and working since I was fourteen years of age. Which is how I came to be who I am. I am grateful for the opportunities some people extended to me along the way. With those very few exceptions, however, I got where I am by my own wits and sweat and no one else's money. If I have a comfortable life, I've earned it. And regardless, the comfort didn't impress cancer and keep it from my door.
The debate isn't about enjoying life. I don't think anyone needs that advice: that's a univerasl desire. The debate -- for myself only -- is how to do that when the only thing of value one really has is time. How to use an unknown amount of time wisely.
Misfit: You have it exactly. We can all be grateful every day of our lives that some part of our lives is better than some part of someone else's life. But I don't see the value of spending much time musing on that. Mostly because the musing changes nothing on either side and also because many of the circumstances for both are beyond the control of either.
Granny: You rock! And you send great private notes too.
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Pompeed - I'm trying to figure out why some people are misunderstanding your posts. I think they are carefully written and you aren't passing judgement on others' decisions. It might be the stream of consciousness writing style. To me it's like you're just thinking out loud but I guess maybe it's too much information for some people?
I agree there's no value in musing on the lives of others compared to our own. We can't know how many blessings another person has anyway. Some may seem to have many but have few and vice versa. We can only know our own and a serious illness most likely will cost us some of them. Maybe we can still be thankful for the ones we have left but that shouldn't preclude being able to mourn the ones we've lost.
What people seem to be saying on this thread is that we can either get some of them back or find new ones, which is probably true in many cases. It's a process that takes time, however, and being pressured to hurry it up isn't very helpful.
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Elephant in the room" is an English idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed. The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss.[1]
It is based on the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook; thus, people in the room who pretend the elephant is not there have made a choice. They are choosing to concern themselves with tangential or small and irrelevant issues rather than deal with the looming big one.
Ok i dont get it i guess, maybe the couple of glasses i had aout with hubby and friends tonight but how can you pretned the elephant isnt there when he really isnt0 some one please explain it to me so when i do see a big giant elelphant in my bedroom i will know what the shit he is doing there!
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Hopefortomorrow, Like your way of thinking A LOT....it's going to get you through this. I am going to find out on Wed. what my onco has in mind for my liver mets since the chemo I am doing is only controlling the bone mets. Whatever my choices are, the one thing I always have is HOPE.
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Pompeed and Misfit- My post was never about sitting and comparing what you have in comparison to others to feel better about your own life!
It's about making the most out of the hand life has dealt you.
I hope it gets better for all of us, and maybe this is as good as it gets, but I too believe it is better than the alternative.
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Your post is way out of line and should be removed.
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Pompeed - "The greatest discovery of my generations is that a human being can alter his life by altering the attitude of his mind." - William James
Hope you are well and find comfort, caring and love surrounding you.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
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Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours too.
"Altering the attitude of [the] mind."
Well, it's hard to alter the attitude of the mind when the FACTS of one's life tell one's brains that calling one's situation all wonderful, when that's not true, is a means of self-deception. Now I admit that self-deception can be a method of coping. But in my life, it's not helpful.
I had surgery last Monday. "You'll be out by Wednesday." "Let's not kid ourselves: the chances of that happening are 1 in 10 at best so I'm not going to plan my life around that prognostication."
"The drain is easy to maintain." Well, that was true for exactly three days. By the time of the second nurse's visit, the vacuum mechanism had broken, the piece was floating in the bottle and the tubling would not drain. Concern now rises about back flow into the wound as the swelling below and behind the wound is increaseing along, of course, with the risk of infection. Nurse calls her supervisor for advice. No help: never heard of this problem before.
Call to MDs office. Get a surgical resident. "Never heard of that before. Can't be broken: there's nothing to break. Not made that way. Can't be anything in the bottle which is man made." "Yes, there is. It's a piece of material which is tube like with a manufactured end. I'm a patent attorney and I know the difference between what is man made and what is human." "Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Come to the ER here." "It's 40 miles from my home." "OK. Go to the nearest ER instead."
Get someone to drive me. ER MD: "I don't know anything about these surgical drains. I'll go talk to a surgeon." One hour later: "Surgeon doesn't know what to tell you to do other than go back to your surgeon. Whatever is wrong can't be fixed here. The surgery wasn't done here. We understand that the tube is filled with fluid and your swelling is increasing so there's an increasing risk of infection. Continue to take your antiobiotics for that and good luck." Surgeon never came to even have a look. Seems no one is even interested in a defective drain which should be reported to the manufacturer. The end result of 5 hours in an ER and $250 out-of-pocket: please solve your own problems elsewhere.
And since I had not brought my pain medication with me, by the time I was dropped off at my house, I was pretty much non-functional for hours. An entire day had been taken up with the aftermath of surgery and more pain and more wasted time. Instead of any sort of useful, productive living.
I know you mean well, Stephanie, and it's Thanksgiving week. So I'll take Mr. James' advice for what it's worth and see if I can talk myself into looking upon the events of Monday with great joy. I'll try to be grateful for what I have.
I let myself get sucked into having a second surgery. To clear out whatever cancer was there. I agreed to it and it was a mistake. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror now what's left is so ugly. And every day since the surgery has been a miserable, unproductive waste of time in which I have done nothing valuable for myself or, more importantly, nothing valuable for anyone else.
It turns out that I have made the very mistake I was trying to avoid: I was trying not to get sucked into the guinea pig wheel of the medical professionals' wants and whims and promises and pipe dreams and more and more and more and all of that of what they have to sell. And, stupid me, I let myself get sucked in. I was responsible for that decision and I have no one to blame for the results except myself.
Now I'm in the loop of "if it can go wrong, it will go wrong" complications and in all of the time I'm spending now in the "going wrong" conplications stuff, I would have been spending it doing something VALUABLE for myself if I hadn't let myself get sucked in by FALSE hope and assurances which have little basis in reality.
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OMG Pompeed I am so sorry this has happened. What is wrong with these morons? Can't they just replace the drain? This isn't brain surgery. Your luck will change. Statically it has to. Things must get better for you.
But cancer treatment even when it goes well is a huge time suck. Hang in there.
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Sounds more like "Murphy's law" to me than getting sucked into a bad surgery. I don't understand not being of value while you are recovering from surgery. The point is to recover.
I am so sorry to hear of the problem with your drainage tube and the ineptitude of the doctors you saw in the ER. It must have been exceedingly frustrating.
I don't know why you call yourself stupid. The second surgery you had was quite common for women. You had a very bad experience with the tube. Nothing stupid about that .. just extremely bad luck.
Keep in mind that simple breathing is also a valuable skill we have.
Hope things improve for you,
Bren
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Pompeed- so fascinating to read that all you had predicted for yourself is apparently happening. Damn the bad luck. What can we say now,... "break a leg" perhaps? Isn't that the negative twist people put on things when they are hoping for a positive outcome? Damned if you do & damned if you don't it seems (or so I gather from your posts). Guess you were right or, you are on a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why bother with this crap when you can just hope for the best and prepare for the worst? Nothing more to say, right now, except good luck and happy trails (when you are able to ride again).
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Pompeed, I just PM you.
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HeidiToo, Did you ever see a movie called Summer Magic with Haley Mills....Burl Ives was in it and I think his wife's name was Mariah Poppum and she was a very negative person. He said something to the effect that she looked for the black lining in every cloud and had never been disappointed. Your post reminded me of her...
Hope you have a wonderful, Thanksgiving. You also, Pompeed because believe it or not, you do have things to be thankful for. Right now my tumor markers are at an all time high, the tumor in my liver is twice the size it was last year, but I am thankful that I am still here and able to enjoy life and even though it may be false, HOPE is what keeps me going. Marybe -
Pompeed-
You got on the train and the medical profession failed you. I'm sorry that this happened to you but I think it happens to people more often than we know about. It makes me so angry, what they do to us, while making us believe they are 'curing' us.
I am wishing you a speedy recovery and a happy holiday.
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Pompeed: My advice to you at this point is: stop becoming embroiled in pointless battles of will with the concept of treatment, the medical establishment, etc... You are wasting your breath. The most important part is: the doctors got rid of the cancer that can be seen, and hopefully somewhere inside you can acknowledge that to be a good thing.
You are flailing and fighting a pointless battle against what you think "should" or "should not" be. There are very, very few "shoulds" in life; most are a figment of ours or society's imagination. Just breathe easy, be happy, sad or indifferent about the visible cancer being out, but whatever you choose to be, be more efficient in your thinking and emoting. If you cannot, then you may indeed be suffering from depression and it is time to seek treatment.
Take it from a serial over-analyzer: do not over-complicate things so much; as if the mystery of cancer were not, by itself a conundrum. Most people's cancer surgeries don't get seven pages worth of posts, and when they do, either something is resolved, or they have discovered that there is nothing TO resolve.
So make the brave step and dare to not think, or even make a joke in terrible taste about it all. Above all, though, stop beating windmills like Don Quixote, thinking they are real battles. They are not. You just got an awful diagnosis you can do nothing about and doctors are the only ones who can do a little about it. It's rotten luck, worth ranting and raving over, but certainly not worth picking ancillary fights with.
Visit some of the other threads. Support other women. Learn how others cope. Get outside of yourself. If you cannot, then seek help.
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Lago: I haven't a clue. The surgical resident's solution: "Go to an ER. Any ER. The surgeon put in the drain here but don't come into our office for us to look at the problem." The ER MD's solution: "Go somewhere else. I wasn't put in here. It's your surgeon's problem if it is anyone's problem. Don't know why you were sent here: this is not an ER matter." Yeah, agree with that: that's what the visiting nurse and I thought when the instruction was given to go the ER.
And the rewards: a $250 bill to me for the priviledge of being the patient football of the day together with hundreds of dollars in wasted ER resources.
Heidi: "Break a leg" is the term performers -- actors, singers, musicians, even GP riders -- say to each other for good luck. They are well prepared for what they are about to do and the outcome of what they are about to do is, to a great extent, within their own control. About as anti-cancer and anti-medical establishment as one can get. Oh, and I've solved the riding problem: the horse is for sale and I'm hoping to find him a very good rider who deserves what he can do and he isn't stuck standing around being sucked into my situation. As you say: hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Baywater is right: it's what they are doing to us while they tell us "you'll be fine" and "it will all be OK" and "this will save your life" and "call us if you have any concerns" that's so maddening. As if they think we are not adults able to face our own situations realistically.
Taking Athena's advice: a snip or two and that's the end of the defective drain that's running fluid down my side and the damn stitches making the swelling worse. And a couple of phone calls and that's the end of any more hours in the company of the white coated "saviors" who look at the mess and say "well, you're a little bit bruised but you look great." I can look in the mirror for myself and see that's a lie: my entire chest is black and blue from left ribs to right ribs and from the bottom of my lungs to the tops of my collar bones. Lying to me in the hopes that I'll swallow some kind of sugar coated fairy tale isn't the least bit helpful.
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1Athen1- AMEN! Pompeed is a typical lawyer; seemingly always trying to blame someone else for her client's predicament. In this case, of course, she is her own client and we all know the cliche about that. Sad.
Personally, I think she is beyond help, as her replies on this thread seem to indicate an almost complete unwillingness to accept either reason or compromise.... let alone hope. In fact, her replies are... what... disingenuous? Despite all the well-intentioned women in here who have (and continue to) tried to support her she continues to act like a moth to flame.
I have always tried to infuse hope, humor and a touch of well-needed distraction in my posts in BC.org. This is the first thread to truly frustrate me to the point of acrimony, as it is so counter-productive. Really, what are we accomplishing here; both those who try to support and those who try to reason?
Pompeed is "making her bed". Let her lie in it.
FWIW, if I didn't care I wouldn't bother to post and, as has been stated before in here, we are all entitled to our opinions.
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From Heidi:
"Pompeed is a typical lawyer; seemingly always trying to blame someone else for her client's predicament. In this case, of course, she is her own client and we all know the cliche about that. Sad.
"In fact, her replies are... what... disingenuous?"
FWIW: No one who ever gave a damn about someone else would ever write anything like this. But go ahead: attack me professionally if it makes you feel better, Heidi, and follow that up with a back handed personal swipe too. I hope those direct insults hurled at someone else contribute significantly to your own health and well-being and improvement.
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Pompeed, your reply was exactly what I expected. You are getting very predictable and I hope it makes *you* feel better.
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Heidi: You get an A+ for prescience.
I've worked hard in my life to make sure I didn't disappoint others who were relying on me for assistance and I'm grateful, in this season of gratitude, to see that I didn't disappoint you and you're so much better off for my efforts.
May you be well and continue to prosper.
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Pompeed..I'm going to say this just once YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER!!!!!! And so do I and Heidi and all of the rest us on here!.. You are bitter about it..well yeah..so am I...
You need to accept this fact...
Oh well..nothing we say seems to help you...I just don't know what to do to help you....I wish there was something but I just don't know what do.
Nothing we can say will take this freaking cancer away..nothing...but I will be damned if I'm going to let it ruin the rest of my life...
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Pompeed, every woman in here has worked hard for something. Many more are grateful for what they have, regardless of season. And it is hard to be disappointed by your efforts when I have no expectations regarding them, let alone being better off because of them. It's that simple and it's that boring. You have nothing to offer me that I need or want. Not sure why you even took that tactic, as you sound a bit rattled, but, may *you* be well and continue to prosper in whatever way "floats your boat".
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Pompeed- You are not alone in the fact that you are angry having bc you just had surgery and that is normal to be angry we all were i know i was, but im a year out from my last chemo after having a mx and chemo i was angry and cryed alot but now i feel pretty good in fact better than before my dx maybe because i made it my mission to get my self in shape and make sure that i ate right and excersied becasue i didnt want to have to deal with this again or worse die from it, yes it is hard to look at a empty area on your chest with no breast there i dont like it either but i can live with it or i can go get reconstruction which i have decided at the moment im fine the way it is. I hope you get thru this and you will but i also think it might be a good idea to get yourself some anti depression meds it really does help- I wish you nothing but happiness try to have a good thanksgivng - God bless
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Can I make a suggestion. If Pompeed's words anger you maybe it's time to stop reading/posting to this thread. All of us here are dealing with this disease in our own way. Pompeed has come here for some emotional support. Lets try and bring her up not down. The last thing she needs is more reasons to be angry.
I may not agree with every action that Pompeed has taken but I support her choice. I may tell her my decision or try to encourage her to consider something else but never attack her choice.
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Iago, you are right we all deal with it in our own way. I feel everyone is entitled to have their own opinion, BUT I think the main complaint against Pompeed is the way she started out saying Pointless, not once, but several times. Many of us, and I am including myself, do not feel that the treatments we have done were pointless....they may have not been pleasant, but we are doing what we need to do to stay alive. Also many have tried to give her emotional support and tried to bring her up, but she made it pretty clear when she created this topic, she's just not buying into it. I have already given her my point of view and am no longer going to try to influence her or change her mind about anything. I am going to contine to read because I find all this debating rather fascinating.
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I have never taken Pompeeds' views about treatment personally. At this point, dare I say it, I feel confident that she is indulging in an epic self-pity trip that is eating away and damaging her more than it can touch any of us here. At the same time, though, I have felt we are being manipulated by her in some way, although I do not know her enough to say whether she is doing it purposefully. But we have all been used as her flogging ground.
I feel sorry for her because self-pity can be very hard to break out of or even acknowledge.
Pompeed, you did the opposite of taking my advice (not that you had to). No doctor is trying to sell you a sugar-coated fairy tale - that is patently absurd - do you realize it? When they say everything will be all right they mean that the procedure will be shown to be a medical success. If you are personalizing it and thinking they are giving you fatherly or motherly assurances, you are looking to the wrong people in the wrong directions. Again, time to stop flailing uselessly. No one is promising you a cure or a beauty treatment.
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