July 2010 Rads

LOL KIm and Karen - you both made me laugh - thanks for that. I am so bugged by the fact that I am surrounded by the most unhealthy people with no health issues. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. I have the image now of slapping food out of their hands. Woke up with anxiety today and still have it in my body. I've been worrying a lot about dying. Intrusive thoughts - thank god I can see my therapist this week cause I really can't stand feeling this way - hope she has her magic want available. I leave to go to Hong Kong and India a week from tomorrow and wonder if it is related a bit to that. First time I am going to be away from my guy since cancer. He has been my everything and I am really going t miss him. I think I am also nervous because of the food issues - can't juice, can't eat organic, can't eat fresh - won't be able to work out - feel like I am certain to have cancer back within a week. I am psychotic - don't even try and respond with rational thoughts. Just saying it here makes me feel better. I admit it - I need a therapist - thankfully I am already seeing one., 

I felt guilty about the cheese ball, so I'm now eating carrots.

Hey Lovely Ladies,

You guys make my day almost every day. Thank God for you. I am really super excited for my trip although I will be in Hong Kong alone for two days before I meet up with my daughters and the group we are traveling with. Hopefully my brain damage from tamoxifen won't get in the way and I will remember who I am, where I'm going and how to get back to the airport or I won't have to worry about eating because will find myself lost after taking a wrong turn, get abducted and sold into the sex trade. I suppose things could be worse - I could have cancer!!!! 

Brenda - I can empathize with being type "A".  I've really been trying to wrangle in my type "A" tendencies and it has been a struggle.  I found that Yoga helps.  Trying not to live to work, but rather work to live.  I am curious on how your doctor determined how much you were due to benefit from the tamoxifien?  You mentioned you would get a 1% less recurrence and I was just interested on how he figured that. 

Karen - I haven't made any major life changes because of BC. . . .yet.  My husband and I own a marketing consulting company and the stress of being a business owner has really weighed on me over the last year.  I have to say work just really seems secondary.  I would have never said that before all of this.  My husband has suggested that I try doing something different for a while, something less stressful.  I had this idea that I wanted to start my own swimsuit line for women affected by breast cancer but I can't seem to get going on it.  I think as much as I think it would be great to do, I know the work effort required to get it going and I am not willing to take it on.   

Sonia - I've been having joint pain here and there.  Mostly my knees.  A woman posted on the "T" thread just today about how she thinks Tamoxifien has lead to her arthritis.  Hot flashes have been not great for me.  I have had the gross side effects (sorry - about to over share) like the vaginal discharge and itching.  That has been the worst for me. . .I can't tell if I have a yeast infection or if I just have to live with this.  Had a normal pap like a month ago with no signs of yeast so I can only think to blame the "T".  Have you thought about talking to your doctor about taking a medication "holiday" to see if the SE's improve?  Your trip sounds amazing.  I love to hear you talk about your guy too. . .I can tell by your description of him how much he means to you.

Patty - my Onc also discussed the lupron shots for me.  My blood tests say my ovaries are still working but I haven't had a period since December of last year.  (I was sent into early menopause from chemo).  She initially said she would only do it if I got a period again but who knows. 

Kim - Mammo was just fine.  I love that I walk out with my results same day.  They did one where they took the full breast and one where they shove the implant out of the way and take a picture.  I was kind of fascinated about all this.  LOL about yelling at Paula Dean. . .I am a huge food network fan.  I have a love hate relationship with Giada De Laurentis because she seems so nice but I can't understand how she is 90lbs after having a baby and while eating mascarpone and pasta all day!  I obviously got the shallow end of the gene pool. 

Julie - hope all is well with you. 

So many of you talk about the food issues. . .I have to balance trying to "control" every bit I put into my mouth and eating healthfully.  I am trying not to have any black and white food rules. . .It seems when I am too hardcore about it I go to a bad place.  Like punishing myself for a bit of cheese instead of focusing on the fact that I've eaten organic vegetables and fruits every day for the week.  As women we are so hard on ourselves . . .how many men do you know completely re-vamp their eating habits and then berate themselves for the occasional M&M or cheese ball? 

Ok. . .rant over. . . .tomorrow is another expansion.  I'll let you all know how it goes!

Hello Everyone:

I'm still alive...)

 I hope everyone is doing well and the breast is healing....

Have been having a very hard time processing my mother's death.  Really all I is is cry and cry.  Then on Thanksgiving me and my sister are cleaning out my Sister's stuff that died 4 months ago.  Her birthday is the 20th of this month she would have been 57 same say she died.  So at the moment life for me is so depressing.  Wish I had better up-beat news...

I'm changing Onco this month, I just don't like the man I see, I had all those tests done and had to call over 4 times to get the results, that is BS if you ask me, then when I did call the nurse said "ALL LOOKS NORMAL" at that point I just hung up the phone...

I saw my family Dr. yesterday and told him I tried the pill from hell "A" and thought I was dying a slow death for a week, he said I was right in tossing it out. He got me a new ONco that he loves and my surgen loves her also, he said to keep taking the DIM as he has heard good reports from it, it said going "NATURAL" is ok until I meet with the new Onco on the 19th.  I cured my lyme doing natural...

Chicago-CONGRATS on the clean mamo, that hard to be music to your ears...

Sonia-Have a great time, you will enjoy I'm sure of it..:)

I have tried changing my eating habbits at the moment just not working for me.  Jim quit smoking day 7, I'm so proud of him, I'm trying, I'm down to 4 a day....Hopefully next week NONE...

We are going back to the Bed and Breakfast on the 8&9 of Dec for a little "get a way" we were going to go to St. Thomas but I told him lets wait until next year, I don't want to ruin the trip crying all day long...

Other than that doing ok, the therpist that works on my arm is also working on my breast, WOW what a difference it has made for me.  The pains are almost gone, the tight feeling and itching, it has been a hugh help.  

Today I start on my mom's room I decided to pack up a lot of it and save it for a nice winter day to go through it.  She had so many angels and this "Prayer Jar" I looked at all her prayers, and each one she wrote she always said "Thank you god", it was really cute.  So many prayers for me in her jar, I will keep them forever.  The last prayer I read was "Dear Lord if you can't fix me then please take me home", I guess he answered that one for my mom...Oh how I miss her my friends....

Ok, off to get ready for my little part time job, I hope everyone has a great weekend, stay warm, cold here in Chicago..

Thank you for asking if I was "OK" that means the world to me, you have no idea.

Many hugs to each of you

Julie

Hi Kim:

Thank you!!!!



Yes I really love this therapist, she is wonderful, she only deals with BC patients.



I go next week to a Grief Counseler and I think that will really help me deal with everything, BC, Sister and Mom.



Can't wait to see the new Onco, this man I have been seeing really gets under my skin, another one "NORMAL" not even a phone call back regarding all my tests, that really was the last straw for me.



I hope you are feeling "GOOD" and back to "NORMAL"...:)



Big hug back

Julie

Chicago - I know how you feel.  I had a lump but when I wear a basic t-shirt it shows how much smaller one breast is to the other and how lopsided.  The only good thing that i can see is that it's winter and I can wear layers of clothes.  It's a pain when it's hot and I still wear layers.  Ughh....

 Julie - My heart goes out to you with your mom.  It's been exactly 1 year since my mom passed and it's so hard to 'celebrate' the holidays.  We just go through the motions, but one the thing that settles my mind is that she's not suffering anymore.  My dad cleared out one dresser of her clothes this week, but still has tons of stuff that we need to go through. 

Sonia - I am so jealous.  I wish I was going with you.  It sounds like a lot of fun.  How exciting

Brenda - I too am trying to change my diet, but it's so hard to do.  My kids love pomagrantes and I started eating them too.  I also bought the juice thinking that it would give me some more benefits.  But ti's difficult because it seems like one book would say that certain foods are good, while others say that the same foods are bad.  I don't know if soy is good or bad since I'm ER+/PR+.  Some books say that it's a different type of estrogen, while others say to avoid it.  Yikes.  

It's just one day at a time.  Hope everyone has a great weekend. 

I am so sad to read about how hard things are for you Julie. I realize when I read your posts how fortunate I am right now - to be only dealing with one challenging event. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to loose your sister, your mom and have cancer in one year - I'm glad Jim is there taking care of you. I remember trying to get through my mom's things right away after she died and to be perfectly honest - I wish I could have given myself permission to do it when I was more ready and not in the throws of grief. I think we may have done things differently but my dad wanted her things gone immediately. Take your time with these things Julie, time allows you to process things differently.

Chicago - you have every right to have a meltdown - your are trying to deal with a complete transformation that has happened to your body and your husband is so likely unable to understand how profound this is to you that his response to it is to minimize this because he has no idea how to help. I don't think men's brains are capable of understanding how much women are impacted by the loss of their breasts, and their hair. I think breasts and hair are so attached to our feelings about ourselves, the media and our culture put such an emphasis on them and so to have to deal with this complete change in who we are takes time. I have had so many meltdowns in the past months - although I'm sorry you are feeling bad I am grateful you shared because it certainly helps me to realize I'm not the only one struggling with the changes in my body/aging in my case and feeling old and achy. I think until something happens like this to men - loose the symbols of their maleness - oh wait isn't that why they have mid life crisis' and buy fancy cars and have affairs??? they can't really understand. My guy has been great but he doesn't always get it - I'm mean he wears the same version of the same t'shirt everyday - just a different color.

Hi Ladies,   Nice to read up after a week of working 24/7.  So much to catch up on, I had to take notes.  I know I'm a dork, but I can't remember anything now on T. And that includes remembering to take the T.  I missed two over the past week.

Sonia,  I was worried about getting lost or losing my passport throughout my trip and didn't.  You'll be just fine and what a great adventure to go on with your girls.

Chicago, great idea with the swimsuits.  Sorry the idea had to come out of your frustration though.  I hope you find a hot dress for the wedding, one that makes you feel fabulous.  Glad to hear your mamo was good.  I just got a call today that my same day mamo/BS visit will have to be split.  I was looking forward to having it all done in one day but now they're a week apart.  Good luck with your expansion.

Karen,  the smokers, drinkers and fast fooders all are driving me crazy too.  It doesn't seem fair and is so maddening that C hits so randomly.

Brenda, Orange/Choc combo is the best.  My mom and I always fought over the chocolate covered orange peels in the box of Fannie May candy. I'm going to be on the look out for those.  Did you get the flu shot and pneumonia shot at the same time?  Anyone know how long you should wait following a cold before getting them?

Julie,  Your mom was really special and I was touched by her prayer jar.  Take your time with going through her things and your sister's.  My mom passed a month before my wedding and while I was away on my honeymoon, my dad thought he was helping and had everything cleaned out.  He thought we'd only want the jewelry, but it was some of the little things, known and unknown, that I always wish I'd had the opportunity to touch and hold and maybe save.  It's so hard, but you have wonderful memories and those will help you through it.

Kim, Right there with you on obsessing over food and 'offsetting' good and bad. If I have two cups of coffee it's ok if I balance it with 2 cups of tea.  I feel so silly, but keep rationalizing this in my head.

Gotta run... really miss you guys and hope to be back more frequently as things wind down at work.  Have a good weekend.  I'm going to get my Thanksgiving decor out and get ready for the big day.   Donna.

Julie, Is any of your sister's stuff high end and in good condition?  If so, I would sell some on ebay.  There are people who can do this for you.  I would be willing to pay them their commission on the premise that some money is better than no money.

Of sell at a consignment shop.  The owners are able to tell you what is likely to sell.  Most of those shoes have to be in pristine shape, and you could most likely sell the newer ones.

I can't believe the amount of stuff.  WOW!!!  Looks like she built closets as opposed to cleaning out stuff when she bought new.  (Speaking of which......)

I don't go nuts either about what I eat other than a ton of fresh fruits and veggies.  I try to do seasonal too.  But I wanted a bacon bluecheeseburger yesterday, so that is what I had (with fresh green beans, roasted yellow beets, and wild rice).  Have a ton of apples and pears.

Had the pneumonia shot ten years ago, and think I had tetanus and Lyme innoculation with it.  It was in January, so would have had flu earlier in the season.  I wouldn't do both at the same time as felt quite dragged out from this year's flu shot, and understand that a lot of people at the medical center felt the same way.

Good luck Julie.  So sorry about everything.

Hello,  Just in case you don't feel you have enough to worry about,  here is a list of the top 20 chemicals to avoid that are in cosmetics.   YIkes,   will it never end?  b

http://www.femmetoxic.com/en/femme-toxic-s-toxic-twenty-list-chemicals-avoid

Claire: Thanks for the tip, my newfew is going to put a lot on E-bay as she has a lot of expensive jewelry. She was a flight attendant and traveled all over the world. She has a nice life, shame it had to end the way it did....Miss her everyday....

I have not gotten any shots this year. I already have LYME and let me tell you it sucks, but I've been in remission for 1 years. Got it while planning my wedding in 2007.

I pretty much eat what I want also, BC took so much from me, it will not take the food I LIKE...LOL

Brenda-No there is nothing wrong with Pomegrantes, just have to be careful of all the seeds you eat, they can get stuck down below....LOL

Brenda-So you are not going to take the "T" pill???? My family Dr. told me pretty much the same thing as I was Stage 1, but very high in the hormones, so I will see what the new Onc has to say next Friday.

Funny I'm low on "D" and have been for over two months, but then living in Chicago we have not had much sun and today its FREEZING cold outside.

I guess I should also look into the flu shot, I just hate getting something I have never gotten in my life. I'm lucky to take an aspirin...LOL

Brenda-Have a great time in the mountains, take some photos for us...

Yes can't wait to get away for two days, it will be nice to just "NOT THINK". Today I got a lot done and found so many photos my mom had that I never saw, sat on the floor in her bedroom and keep looking at them, brought back wonderful memories of my childhood.

Ok, time for a hot cup of Coco, trash magazines, and then bed. WOW I'm getting old.

Have a great nite everyone
Hugs
J

Hi:  Like you I pulled the tick out and 7 days later got so sick I thought I was dying, even had to cancel the honeymoon to mexico as I was to sick to travel. But doing much better with my lyme.

The kids are going to put a lot on e-bay, they love doing it, and like you said $ is $ and the kids can use it.  It will take me and my sister 3 8 hours days  to complete this job, there is so much you have no idea.  That does not even include the upstairs which has 6 closets FULL....At least I can use a lot of it, will save me tons of $...Sue always gave me her clothes, she has nice clothes...LOL

Good news on the ride, bet you slept well last night....

So cold here in Chicago, going shopping today, and then home to watch the Bears game...

Have a great day everyone

Julie

Hi ladies!  I've missed you all so much!  Have been having one problem after another.  Had an u/s and surprise mammo (um, ouch) last week.  Very swollen and tender.  They think I have diffuse cellulitis.  However, a week on 2000 mg of Keflex daily hasn't done a thing. 

The big thing is, deep breath before I say this as I'm scared out of mind, TAH/BSO on Friday.  I don't know what I'm most afraid of.  I guess obviously cancer, but I'm also afraid of the pain, the time in the hospital and the time out of work.  I'm really kind of a mess...

 I keep up with everyone's posts and I pray for everyone and their struggles.  I think when you first hear stage 1, you think ok, I'll have surgery, maybe chemo, radiation, meds for 5 years and that's it.  but it sure seems to me that very few of us get away that easily.  Constant doctors, constant tests....I'm very thankful for all of my blessings and I have so many, but I sure am tired.

Love and hugs to all.  I'll be back as soon as I can! Tracye