The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

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  • myrrl
    myrrl Member Posts: 112
    edited November 2010

    This is a GREAT thread all around. But it sure has made me think . . .

     What have people said to me?  Mostly, very little I can find shocking. I have received the "you're an inspiration" tag, but gosh, I had less than 1 cm of DCIS -- it was the BRCA1+ status that inspired me to do the BMX and ooph, etc . . . so I usually just gently say "thank you, but I'm not all that inspiring -- just a wildly overcautious sort of girl" and change the subject because I feel odd taking that "inspirational" role when really, the cure I chose is far worse than the disease was at the time.

     But what have I started to worry about? A very dear friend recently died of ovarian cancer. It wasn't nice, or pretty. We didn't live close to each other, and I was flying back and forth to my father's side because at the same time, he was dying in a LTC facility. His side happened to be a few hours away from where she lived in the same state. I meant to visit her. I really did. But I never made it. And I'm not really a card-sending type. I sent emails, and I called several times in her final months. But I wasn't really THERE for her, not during her last year, and not during her last month: she went into her final illness at the same time my father did, and I was at HIS side, not hers in the last 2 weeks of his life. She died a week after he did.  I cannot seem to get past the fact that I was a disappearing friend -- and I didn't do for her a tenth of what many of my friends have done for me to support me during what is NOT even a life-threatening illness of my own. So -- I'm not asking for absolution, though please don't throw me under the bus. I'm doing that enough. But gosh -- I wonder how many of those people who have made the wrong choices, and didn't support us properly, are looking for a way back in to our lives? I would have begged for a way back in to hers as soon as I'd come out of the fog of grief my father's death laid over me for that last year. 

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  • mumorange
    mumorange Member Posts: 205
    edited November 2010

    Oh Myrrl,,,go easy on yourself. We aren't talking about people like yourself. We are talking about those who just can't handle the situation. I can assure you if I had a friend in your situation I would probably be more concerned for her than myself so do not feel any guilt toward your friend. You were in a tricky situation, you couldn't choose her over your Dad! I think we are all able to tell the difference between someone just "too busy" to have a friend in our shoes and those who genuinely do have their own battles/issues at the time. Your friend would not have felt neglected by you and I am sure understood what you are going through. This thread is for dumb things people say to us and there are plenty of those I can assure you but a friend who cares as you do would never be thrown under the bus...you are in totally different category.

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  • NativeMainer
    NativeMainer Member Posts: 10,462
    edited November 2010

    myrrl--being at your dying father's side while sending emails and calling your friend is NOT being a disappearing freind.  I'm sure she appreciated that you thought of her during your own family crisis and understood.Yes, I understand that you feel you weren't there for her, and you weren't.  But no can be in 2 places at once.  A freind of mine was taking care of her mother through chemo and surgeries for colon cancer when was having my second and third round of surgeries and she emailed and called periodically.  I was very, very flattered that she would think of me and make the effort to do that when she was so very stressed and busy with her mom.  It never crossed my mind that she would visit.  I never thought of her as a disappearing friend.  I'm sure your friend felt the same way about you. 

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  • riley702
    riley702 Member Posts: 1,600
    edited November 2010

    Thanks for that, Julie. I cackled at that very practical advice, "a little more time and effort for sure, but worth it..."

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited November 2010

    Myrll, I don't think I'd want my friends gathered around my death bed, visiting just to say good-bye and seeing me at my absolute worst. I think emails and phone calls keeps the boundaries appropriate for both sides. Families are for death vigils, unless your friend was beside you every step of the way, or you with her, a vigil wasn't to be.

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  • myrrl
    myrrl Member Posts: 112
    edited November 2010
    Mumorange, Nativemainer and Barbe, -- thanks. I hope I wasn't posting just for pity (!). I guess I am just dealing with the guilt . . . because I know I COULD have done more. And you're right -- she didn't want or need me there at the end. But it is interesting how these threads, meant to be one thing, can dredge up stuff we never intended!Undecided
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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited November 2010

    That's the beauty of the diaglog...it's natural and there are no rules to stay on topic. Be at peace....

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  • chabba
    chabba Member Posts: 5,065
    edited November 2010

    Myrrl,  Those who have posted before me said exactly what I would have said but said it better than I ever could.  I know that at times like this we recognize our true friends and that physical presence is not the true mark of being a friend.  All too often friends that are physically present are not truly there but are rather more concerned with their own agendas.  Often those who reach out from a distance are better connected with one than those present.

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  • AStorm
    AStorm Member Posts: 1,429
    edited November 2010

    Heathermcd - I can't imagine how you didn't slap that b****! Someone started a rumor once that I was pregnant and it really hurt my feelings (I immediately started running and stopped eating). And that was pre-bc! At this point I'm thinking b****-slap! 

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  • bookart
    bookart Member Posts: 564
    edited November 2010

    Myrll - my father had a similar situation- his wife was dx with bc about 2 weeks after me; she also has dementia, so he couldn't be with me for any of my surgery or recovery time.  He finally was able to come visit 7 months afterwards.  In the great scheme of things, I actually felt worse for him than for me.  My mom, his wife of over forty years, died of bc.  So he was dealing with a double-whammy with baggage.  I cannot imagine his distress; I know it was great.  Sometimes life just sucks that way.  The man deserves an honorary bc medal, if there was such a thing.

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  • 3jaysmom
    3jaysmom Member Posts: 4,266
    edited November 2010
    A Storm..i think that attitude comes with a particular peice of anatomy, so nothing surprises me.. hurts me, yes surprises me, no. sorry you got hit. thats' an ouch for sure..Pam in.. i wanted to say i hear it, it makes me uncomfortable, and i always answer.. not brave, or inspiring.. Desperate. that's MY truth.. Kate: i have a problem right now, with a woman that left when i got dx, and no that i'm NED, she thinks ts ok to dance right back into my life. i don't quite know how toh handle it, but i can tell you, i'm not REAL forgiving right now. her defense is, i know, i kept "checking up on you thru other ple. i felt so alone thru this trip, i coulda used her cking up WITH me, instead of ON me. im meeting with her sat. and don't know exactly how i'll handle it.. we'll see. and finally,Annie  Bear; here, we appreciate most the "gallows humour that we all ( i think  develop)its been nice chatting..we always are of like mind, it seems...
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  • NativeMainer
    NativeMainer Member Posts: 10,462
    edited November 2010

    3jays--I'm sure you'll find the words to tel your "friend" how you feel.  Then just be "busy" when she wants to get together.  She'll get the message eventually.  I'm a firm believer in throwing useless people under the bus. 

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited November 2010

    OMG That poster is perfect Native!!! hhehehehehhehe

    Bookart, you're right, your Dad deserves a medal, I hope you were able to make him believe you when you told him that!

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  • myrrl
    myrrl Member Posts: 112
    edited November 2010

    Bookart -- wow, your poor dad!

    Chabba - great point. I really don't mean to make the situation all about ME --  after all, it was my friend who died, and if that doesn't bite, I don't know what does. So I've made sure not to overdo my contact with her husband and son  -- really don't want to suddenly be all about "being there" for them NOW. I'm self-aware enough to know the guilt and issues are mine -- and not really in proportion with reality. But it is the magic of these boards that let me bring it to the surface and start to get rid of it. Nice.

     

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  • 3jaysmom
    3jaysmom Member Posts: 4,266
    edited November 2010

    ya know, i,ve been doing a lot of soul searching, toomyrlll, i think that comes along with the roller coaster that IS tx..or, maybe just any cancer.. i'm sure your friend knwthat you cared. i agree, i wanted to keep certain boundaries. didn't let most ple visit, could'nt stay on phone. a phone call; or really, an email STILL makes my day.  we truly aren't talking about a situation like you were faced with. that you could be there for your dad is what counts, so; don't gettoutta the bus! we need you HERE with us!!

          as far as comments go, i would die if someone gave me the preggers congrats. my chemo bloat really does make me feel that way.. i'm sorry,cause it cuts so deep at your age, anyone telling me at 60 would be mean, or blind...

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  • lago
    lago Member Posts: 17,186
    edited November 2010

    Trust me that comment is scary at my age of 49… and now in chemopause I hope cause I haven't had a period in 8 weeks! ;-)

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  • Shrek4
    Shrek4 Member Posts: 1,822
    edited November 2010

    I've been in chemopause since my 2nd chemo treatment. The bloating slowly went down, it's still there but much less than it was. I'm getting bloated less and less. Just keep in there.

    What was driving me nuts was that all my skirts had the tendency to start sliding up, towards my breasts, because  my abdomen was so bloated.

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  • outsidethebox
    outsidethebox Member Posts: 111
    edited November 2010

     What a great pic too ...under the bus...

    Bookart - big hugs to your dad

    Lago/Day. I haven't had a period either since this started... I love it .Bring on the chemopause I say, and lets hope it doesn't start agin!

    3jaysmom _- I relate ... to your soulsearching...I couldn't see anyone this week and had to drag myself out in the late aft to shop. Just not feeling social on any level... In fact I even leaving tele calls to message 'cos I can't/don't want to speak to people either.. The house is a sanctuary  but also a prison, in a way... Thank goodness for email.

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  • lago
    lago Member Posts: 17,186
    edited November 2010

    Period isn't coming back I know it. I think I get some hot flashed between 2am and 5am. I just kick off the covers and fall back to sleep. Not a big deal. Don't seem to get them during the day. Strange.

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  • AStorm
    AStorm Member Posts: 1,429
    edited November 2010

    Thanks for the visual NM! Now we can actually picture the dummy under the bus when the situation arises.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2010

    Love the bus picture. We should have t-shirts to hand out to people who say dumb things.Or maybe a buisness card to hand out. Just a thought.

    I haven't had a period since June '09. Hopefully I'll never have another one. 

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  • IsThisForReal
    IsThisForReal Member Posts: 384
    edited November 2010

    Absolutely agree with the bus pic - it's great!  I've been period free since April/10.  Not sure if they'll come back or not.  Am kinna doubting it as I continue with my hot flashes, sore knees etc.  Onc. says she'll refer me to an ob/gyn if they return to have ovaries removed since I'm so highly positive.  Can't say I miss ol' Aunt Flo :-)

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited November 2010

    Iago, that is SO cute!!! "No big deal on the night hot flash".....ehhehehehehehehehehehe.

    Wait until you start to ROT pillows from sweating so much. When you have to get up and change your nightgown AND lay down towels on the bed and your (rotted) pillow! It'll come! Just remember what you said today and think of me when you're up late changing your jammies one night.....

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  • lago
    lago Member Posts: 17,186
    edited November 2010

    If you're drenched then that's a night sweat not a hot flash. I did have one night sweat just before chemo. I was drenched and didn't realize at first what it was. But I might be lucky. My mom and sister never really had night sweats just some mild hot flashes.

    Really not everyone gets them bad. Granted lets see what happens after chemo when I'm on arimidex… that sounds like loads of fun :(

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  • 3jaysmom
    3jaysmom Member Posts: 4,266
    edited November 2010

    outside the box..I never, ever, wanted me, or any other woman to go thru this hell..but, here we are, non the less. my "window" to the world is still the internet, and i wouldn't have that 'cept i showed up, and the ladies here are so kind.. todays' a celebration, cause i learned to post pics.. again, a friend here, chrissy b. stayed on till i got it right..

        we truly ARE blessed wome, if ya gotta be here, at least here we take care of each other!!! love and light, 3jays

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  • riley702
    riley702 Member Posts: 1,600
    edited November 2010

    I hear you, 3jaysmom. Maybe I don't let you ladies know it often enough, but these forums have been better for me than any support group for getting through this thing. Think about it - tens of thousands of women with breast cancer, from all over the world, sharing their experiences with each other 24/7/365. Telling their experiences, giving tips and telling others what to watch out for. Just knowing that the others here 'get it', in a way our friends, family and coworkers can't unless they've been through it, too, is such a blessing.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited November 2010

    I read today a blurb that said that their is a higher survival of cancer when the person had a strong support system. Didn't say you had to see them in person....

    Iago, what's the difference between a night sweat and a hot flash at night??? Maybe you will get off easy...

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  • lago
    lago Member Posts: 17,186
    edited November 2010

    I thought a hot flashes only last a few minutes and you are not drenched. Night sweats wake you up and you are drenched… but what the hell do i know. I haven't been researching this. I was to busy learning about cancer.

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  • mbtlcsw01
    mbtlcsw01 Member Posts: 744
    edited November 2010

    I went thru menopause before BC and has a few ocassions of night sweats.  Bed was wet and I had to change clothes--but this was after I opened my sliding door and jumped in the pool to cool off.  Now I just have hot flashes with the femara.

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  • riley702
    riley702 Member Posts: 1,600
    edited November 2010

    "Didn't say you had to see them in person...."

    Hee hee, that's so true. Plus, here, it's at a time convenient to us and we can focus on whatever aspect of this we want by reading whichever threads we want.

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